Title: Burning bright

Author: Zenia

Summary: Romance and a slow discovery of love.

Rating: R

Email: laimia@aol.com

Disclaimer: They’re not mine, never will be. Please don't sue.

Feedback: If you’d like to, but only if you’d like to.

Warnings: Incest and sex between two men.

Notes: The story begins where the episode “Love and/or Marriage” ends. In this episode Rick falls in love with a married woman (Carol) and AJ contemplates marrying Liz (longtime girlfriend). In the end Carol goes back to her husband, AJ asks Liz to marry him but she says no and breaks it off permanently.

Burning bright

By Zenia

AJ leaned his head against the back of the couch and sighed. “We really shouldn’t get drunk again tonight.”

“Hey, you were the one with the Don Diablo out.” Rick reached out and ruffled his hair. “Besides, if we can’t get drunk over a couple of broken hearts, what can we get drunk over?”

“Liz was right you know. I didn’t mean it. I could never give her what she needed, what she wanted.” He closed his eyes.

“Maybe she asked for too much? You can’t force a commitment.”

“Huh! You should know.” He felt Rick tug on a lock of his hair.

“I loved Carol, AJ. I would have married her.”

AJ opened his eyes and looked at him. “Let’s get drunk.”

“Yeah.” Rick grabbed the bottle and poured him a shot. “Sounds good to me.”

A few hours later, the bottle was empty and AJ was feeling very, very good. He gazed blearily at Rick and carefully tried to set the glass on the table. He didn’t quite make it and it landed on the ground with a thump.

“Oops.” He leaned over so that his head leaned against Rick’s shoulder. “I’m drunk.”

Rick smiled at him. “Ya sure are. That’s okay, so’m I.”

“You know, I feel pretty good.” He licked his lips. “I’m good. I’m…I’m not so good. I think I’m going to be sick.” AJ lurched to his feet and almost tripped over Rick’s legs.

He made his way across the living room, half-crawling up the stairs to the bathroom. He kneeled over the toilet, retching until his throat burned and his stomach ached.

Then he felt the touch of a cool hand against his forehead, brushing his hair back.

“You know you could have used the bathroom downstairs.”

“Shut up.” Then he was vomiting again.

Rick gently rubbed the back of his neck. “Easy Kid, it’s all right.”

“Why aren’t you sick,” he panted.

“Always could hold my liquor better than you.” Rick hauled him to his feet and over to the sink. He turned on the tap and splashed AJ’s face.

AJ sputtered and pushed Rick away. “I can do it.”

“Then do it.”

He rinsed his mouth out with mouthwash and dried his face. “I think I’m going to sleep for a thousand years.” AJ went into the bedroom. He pulled off his shoes and socks then crawled under the covers.

Rick lay on the bed, his head pillowed on AJ’s legs. “I don’t think I can make it back downstairs.”

“Stay here,” AJ slurred. “Don’t care.” The weight of Rick against his legs felt nice, comfortable.

Nice.

He was startled awake when a loud snore resounded through the air. AJ jerked his head from the pillow and groaned at the sharp spike of pain right behind his eyes. He looked over at the foot of the bed when he realized he couldn’t move his legs. Rick was still slumped over the back of his knees, snoring loudly.

“Rick.” He shifted his legs. “Rick!”

“Hmm.”

“Rick!” AJ kicked.

Rick jolted to a sitting position. “I’m up, I’m up.”

“Go sleep on the couch.”

He sprawled next to him. “Bed’s big enough.” Then he started snoring again.

AJ sighed and closed his eyes.

The next time he woke he was wrapped in a tight, sweaty embrace. He felt hot breath and a scratchy cheek against the back of his neck.

His mind registered, after a moment or two, that it was his brother who held him. He elbowed Rick gently in the ribs.

Rick grunted and loosened his hold.

AJ propped up on his elbow and stared down at his brother. Asleep he looked very young. AJ placed his hand very close to Rick’s mouth, letting his breath waft over his fingertips. He remembered doing that when he was young. Only then, it was he who crawled into Rick’s bed to watch him, to make sure that he wouldn’t die some time in the night.

He shook his head trying to clear nonsensical thought from his mind.

AJ got out of bed, put on a robe and went downstairs for coffee and aspirin.

He sipped the coffee slowly, letting the taste roll around on his tongue. Today, today was his first day of being alone…again. He had been with Liz for so long, he wasn’t sure that he could remember dating.

He was getting too old to be alone.

Rick came down the steps, looking pale and rumpled.

“It’s about time you woke up,” he said and took another sip of coffee.

“Yeah, how come you didn’t wake me up?” Rick poured himself a cup and sat down.

AJ shrugged. “You looked like you needed it.”

“It gets easier ya know? The hurt fades.”

“Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?”

Rick tapped his cheek with a finger. “Both of us I guess. And it’s not like either of us is really alone. We got each other.”

AJ groaned. “That makes me feel so much better.”

He laughed and tousled AJ’s hair. “Doesn’t it though?”

“You’re an idiot.” But he laughed too.

**********

His heart had been broken before--

**********

He sat on the bed, watching as Rick tugged on the pristine white gloves and adjusted his clothing. “How do I look?”

“Like a soldier. Like a Marine.” He stood up and walked over to Rick. He ran his hand over the rough fabric on his arm.

That made Rick smile.

“You’ll be careful, won’t you?” AJ tried to clamp down on the feeling of panic welling up from his stomach.

“Of course I will. Hey.” Rick ran fingers thorough his hair. “I’ll be back, I told you.”

“Okay.”

“AJ?” Rick touched his cheek with warm fingers. “I’ll be back even before you finish college. I expect to be invited to some of those frat parties.”

He nodded, unable to say anything because of the lump in his throat.

“I’ll write, I promise.”

AJ grabbed him and pressed his cheek to Rick’s. His brother smelled like spice and soap.

“It’s okay kid. Don’t cry, please don’t cry.” He hugged AJ so tight that he almost couldn’t breathe.

“Be safe Rick, just be safe.”

**********

“There’s grass on my sandwich.”

“That’s not grass, those are bean sprouts.”

Rick poked at it. “It looks like grass. I bet it tastes like it too.”

“It’s nutritious. You could use some nutrition after all that Mexican food and chili dogs you eat.”

“I like Mexican food. I like chili dogs. I don’t like food that looks like a cow should be eatin’ it.”

“It’s good Rick, eat it.”

Rick put it in the bag and tossed it onto AJ’s lap. “You eat it.”

“Fine.”

“I mean, can’t we just once eat what I wanna eat on a stake-out?”

AJ sneered. “Will you quit whining?”

“I’m whining?” he protested. “I--”

“Shh, there he is, Michael Dawson.” AJ nodded towards the middle-aged man emerging from a large white house.

Rick looked through the binoculars. “What do you think he’s doing with all those people?”

“I don’t know. We can’t even be sure that he has anything to do with the disappearances.”

“Aw c’mon. They were all clients at the insurance company he works at; they all met him at least once. He’s the best lead we got.”

“So what do you suggest?”

Rick smiled. “Let’s spook him a little.”

AJ answered with an easy grin and opened the door to the Camaro.

They fell into a slow and easy stroll. He didn’t expect trouble and he knew that Rick didn’t either. So it came to quite a surprise when Dawson reached into his coat and pulled out a gun.

AJ reached for his .357 but he knew that it was too late; the gun was pointed at him.

Rick seemed to realize it too because he shoved AJ hard, sending him toppling to the ground.

He fell to his knees, gravel cutting into the flesh of his palms. He rolled, his gun in his hand. But it was too late. Rick lay on the ground, staring up at the sky, shoulder bleeding profusely.

“Drop it,” Dawson said. “Drop it or I’ll kill him.” He pointed the gun at Rick.

AJ let it fall from his hand.

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice the two of you watching me?” Dawson glared at him.

He didn’t respond.

Dawson walked toward him, and then slammed the butt of his gun into AJ’s temple.

With an explosion of pain and a last thought of Rick, AJ was knocked unconscious.

Someone nudged him in the ribs. “AJ, c’mon kid, get up.” The voice was weak and breathy.

AJ opened his eyes and groaned. His head was pounding and it was worse, much worse than the hang over of a few days ago. He sat up carefully, holding his head as still as possible. There was dried blood caked on the left side of his face.

“I was worried I’d have to kick you awake. I’m not sure I have it in me for that.”

“Rick?” AJ looked around. Rick was propped up against the side of…a van?

They hit a bump and Rick moaned softly.

He crawled over to his brother and touched around the edges of the bloody hole in his shirt. He moved Rick’s shoulder gently. “Damn, no exit wound.”

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“What happened?”

Rick raised an eyebrow. “Dawson shot me and knocked you out. I-I musta passed out ‘cause next thing I knew he was dragging you in here and shuttin’ the doors.”

“How long have we been moving?”

“Don’t know.”

“Do you know anything?” He winced at the pain his loud voice created.

“Well I’m sorry AJ but I kinda had other things on my mind, what with bein’ shot and everything.”

AJ sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. I know.” He picked gently at the cloth around the wound. “It’s stuck.”

“Ya oughta pull it out.”

He looked into his brother’s face, noting the tightness around the eyes. “It’ll hurt.”

“Yeah.”

AJ pulled and Rick stifled a cry of pain. “Damn, it’s bleeding again.” He took off his shirt and tore a sleeve. He folded it and pressed it into the wound. Then he tore a strip and tied it firmly. With what was left of his shirt he create a sling. It was a good thing he had a t-shirt on underneath. “There.”

“You would have made a good doctor.”

“Well there are times I regret never going into a safe profession.”

“What, and miss this excitement? Besides think of all the malpractice suits you’d have to endure. You call that safe?”

AJ grinned.

“What do you think he’s gonna do to us?”

The grin faded. “Whatever he does, it won’t be fun.”

They were both quiet, the only sound was Rick’s hitched breathing and the grinding of wheels against the ground. Suddenly they stopped. He looked at Rick and frowned.

The back doors opened and AJ squinted against the light.

“The wounded one comes out first, then you Blondie.”

Rick shrugged his good shoulder and scooted out. “Not that I don’t appreciate it Dawson, but the transportation left something to be desired.”

“Shut up.” Dawson jammed the butt of his rifle into Rick’s bad shoulder making him fall onto the ground with a muffled scream.

AJ scrambled over quickly. That bastard, he thought.

Dawson pointed the gun at him. “Slowly Blondie.”

He knelt beside Rick holding his head gently. Then he glared up at him. “You didn’t have to do that. What do you want with us?”

“Well that’s simple. I’m gonna hunt you.”

“What? Are you insane? We have friends in the police department, when they realize we’ve gone missing--”

“Uh huh. I’m sure you left detailed instructions as to who you were following.”

AJ closed his mouth with a snap.

“It’s a simple game really. The others were too easy. You on the other hand, you look like you might give me a good hunt.” He stared distastefully at Rick. “If you ditch your partner. How about if I even up the score? Instead of a half hour head start, I’ll give you a full hour.”

“You really are crazy if you think I’m going to cooperate with you.” He stroked Rick’s hair, crouched above him protectively.

“You don’t have a choice. Because if you don’t, I’ll shoot off your kneecaps, then I’ll shoot Cowboy here in the stomach. Have you ever seen someone die from a stomach wound Blondie? It’s not a fun way to die, very painful, and it takes hours.” Dawson smiled.

“I’m going to kill you Dawson.” He looked around at his surroundings to see if there were some way he could get himself and Rick out of their predicament. They were in some sort of wooded area, a forest maybe.

“This is private property, no one around for miles. You’re in no position to threaten me Blondie.”

“Maybe not now…” He looked down at Rick. “Can you move?”

Rick nodded and with help, got to his feet.

AJ looked at Dawson. “An hour.”

“An hour.”

“Come on Rick.” Grabbing his brother’s good arm he led him into an easy jog.

Rick set the pace, not that he was in any condition to go much faster. His head was pounding so badly that his vision was blurry at times. If, when they got out of this he was going to sleep for a week.

Rick stumbled, falling to the ground with a groan.

AJ put his hand on his knees, panting. “Get up, we’re not far enough to stop now.”

He shook his head. “Can’t. I can’t.”

“Yes you can. You have too.”

“I’m bleeding again.”

“Dammit.” He knelt beside his brother and put pressure on the wound. “We’ll give a few moments.”

“He’s right you know. If you leave me you can make it.”

AJ ignored the comment just as he ignored the blood slicking his hand. “The first thing I do when we get out of this is take a vacation.”

“If you leave me, you can make it.” He put his hand over AJ’s.

He looked into his brother’s eyes. “Don’t be stupid.”

“If you don’t, we both die. You can save yourself kid.”

He shook his head.

“Think about Mom. AJ, think about how she’ll feel if we both die. Who’ll take care of her?”

“Mom can take care of herself. Now shut up.”

“AJ--”

“I said, shut up. Do you think I can just leave you? Think about Mom? What about me? Do you think I can live with myself if I abandon you here to die?” He blinked the blurriness from his eyes.

“We both don’t have to die.”

“Would you do it? Could you do it?”

Rick looked away and sighed.

“That’s what I thought. Now why don’t you try and think up a scenario to get us out of here.”

“Me? You’re the genius in the family.”

He laughed. “You’re the one with experience in guerilla warfare.”

“Oh…yeah.” Rick laid his head on AJ’s lap. “Give me a minute.”

He put his hand on Rick’s forehead, alarmed at the heat radiating from his skin. He couldn’t have an infection already. Could he? The wound was still bleeding. Wasn’t that supposed to keep the wound clean? He closed his eyes and hoped that Dawson would keep his word and give them that hour. They would need it.

**********

Rick was huddled on his bed, crying into his pillow. He and Daddy had got into another fight and now he was grounded.

AJ remembered hearing them yelling at one another but he wasn’t sure what it was about. He knew better than to get in the middle of their arguments.

Mommy said that Rick always did have a mind of his own, even when he was a baby. And it only got worse as he got older. She said that she shuddered to think how he’d be when he got to be a teenager.

He hugged Mr. Bear and walked carefully to Rick’s bed. Then he put a hand on his brother’s head. “Ricky?”

Rick lifted his head. He looked terrible, his nose was red and puffy and so were his eyes. “Whaddya want?”

“Are you okay?”

“Just go away AJ.” Rick buried his head back into the pillow.

Tears of sympathy burned in his eyes. “Daddy’s so mean!”

That got a surprised look. “What?”

“Daddy’s mean. How come he’s gotta make you cry?” He rubbed his eyes to keep the tears from leaking out.

“He’s not mean, he just--well he’s just being a dad I guess. Aw AJ, don’t cry. It’s okay.” Rick hugged him, petting his hair gently.

“I don’t like it when you’re sad Ricky. I’d never make you sad, not ever.”

“I know that. That’s ‘cause you’re my best buddy.” Rick kissed his forehead. “Hey AJ.”

“Uh huh.” He sniffled.

“I’m not sad no more. Thanks.”

AJ pulled away and smiled at him shyly. “It’s okay. You’re my best buddy too Rick.”

**********

Holding Rick like this, even with their impending death, gave him a sense of warmth. He felt a fierce sense of protectiveness. And he realized that he *would* rather die with him than live. He had never been alone in all his life. Even when Rick had been on the road or in Vietnam there had been letters and phone calls. Without Rick existing somewhere he would be truly alone, something would be missing.

“I love you.” He didn’t mean to blurt it out but he was glad that he did.

Rick looked up at him, surprise evident in his eyes. “I love you too kid.”

He smiled and traced a circle pattern on Rick’s cheek.

Rick turned his head suddenly and frowned. “Hey kid, can you climb in those shoes?”

“Sure, I guess. Why, do you have a plan?”

He looked up at the tree they were leaning against and smiled. “You could say that.”

AJ clung to the limb of the tree, ferverently praying that it would hold his weight. It wasn’t one of Rick’s better ideas but they were both in pretty bad shape. Considering the fact that Rick had a bullet in him and that he was suffering from a moderately bad concussion, it was as good an idea as any. But what did he know, he had a concussion.

He held himself still when he heard the sound of footsteps. Rick heard them too, because he lifted his head wearily. AJ felt a stab of worry. His brother needed a hospital, and soon.

Dawson stepped out of the bush, rifle pointed at his wounded brother.

Come on, he thought, come closer.

“So Blondie took my advice and dumped you did he?”

Rick sneered at him. “Better that one of us makes it so you can be brought to justice. And trust me, you will. AJ’s the best.”

“Not good enough to help you.”

He snorted. “You’re gonna shoot a wounded man? So much for the ‘Great White Hunter’.”

“I don’t need to prove myself to you.”

“Of course you don’t,” he said mockingly. “Most cowards can’t stand to get blood on their hands.”

Dawson lowered the gun. “I don’t need this to kill you. You’re right, it’ll feel much nicer to strangle you.” Then he laid the gun on the ground and moved forward.

As soon as he was directly below him, AJ went into action. He dropped from the tree and onto Dawson with a thump and whoosh. They both froze, the wind knocked out of them, and then AJ went into action.

They grappled but AJ was injured. His head hurt so badly he was sure it would explode at any moment.

Then he heard Rick. “Move off AJ, now!”

He rolled away just in time to see Rick swing a stick at Dawson. No, no a stick, his gun. Dawson lay on the ground, head bleeding. Rick collapsed against the ground, panting and holding his shoulder.

“Rick?”

“Not much of a hunter is he?”

AJ shook his head. He crawled over to his brother and fumbled for his belt.

His eyes widened. “Not now honey, I’ve been shot.”

AJ blushed furiously. “Shut up. I need something to bind his hands.”

“Use your own belt.”

“This belt cost me fifty dollars.” He turned Dawson over and wrapped the belt around his wrists. When he finished Dawson was coming to. “Can you walk?”

Rick looked thoughtful. “No. I’ll be fine if you go for help though.”

“We both walk out of here together.” He staggered to his feet, and then kicked Dawson. “Come on, get up.”

“AJ--”

“If I have to tell you to shut up one more time Rick, I’m going to shoot you again.” He scooped up the gun and braced himself. Then with Rick’s help, got him into a fireman’s carry. “Geez, you need a diet.”

“Maybe I shoulda eaten that grass of yours.”

“Bean sprouts,” he answered automatically. “Come on Dawson, on your feet.”

Dawson climbed to his feet.

AJ shoved the muzzle of the gun into his back. “Move before I decide you’re too much trouble and put you out of your misery.” Truth of the matter was that Dawson probably could have overpowered him and AJ wouldn’t have put up much of a fight. He was exhausted and hurt and his sight kept going fuzzy.

It took them all of an hour to get back to the van. By that time his back was killing him, his knees were shaking with exhaustion, and his back was sticky with Rick’s blood. He shoved Dawson in the back and locked it. AJ made it to the passenger door and braced Rick, who was now unconscious against the side. He opened the door and after some wrangling, got Rick inside and belted.

When he got behind the wheel, he sat for a minute trying to keep his hands from shaking. He took a deep breath.

“AJ,” Rick slurred.

“Almost there big brother.” He looked at Rick’s pale, sweaty face and felt a stab of fear. “You don’t look so good.”

“You’re no beauty either kid.”

He smiled, feeling tears flood his eyes. Then he reached shaky fingers and stroked Rick’s face. “I’ll get you to a hospital.”

“That might be a good idea. If I lose any more blood…”

He surprised that no one stopped him; he was doing ninety and he kept swerving into the next lane. He almost wished someone had. Rick was slumped in his seat and at any moment AJ was sure he was going to pass out from the pain in his head.

Rick was going to die, he thought in a moment of panic, he’s going to die right here and there’s nothing I can do. AJ sobbed and stepped on the gas. They were so close to the hospital. All Rick needed to do was hold on.

He could hear the sirens of the police behind him. When did he get into the city? Well it didn’t matter. Rick needed the hospital. He needed the hospital and now. AJ pulled up in front of the emergency entrance.

He unbuckled Rick and pulled him out through the driver’s side. Then he tossed him over his shoulder again. AJ took only a few steps before the police surrounded him, guns drawn.

“Please,” he said. “Please, Rick needs help he…” His knees buckled but that was all right because they had Rick, they had him. “There’s someone in the van. He…he…he’s the one who shot Rick. He…” AJ slumped forward into oblivion.

He opened his eyes with a quiet groan. He was waking up far too many mornings with a hangover. That was the last time he went drinking with Rick.

“AJ, honey,” he heard a familiar voice croon. Then lips, warm and soft pressed against his forehead.

He opened his eyes. “Mom?”

“Do you know where you are AJ?”

He looked around at the white walls and then at his mother and Town who stood beside her. “I’m in the hospital. Dawson, did you get Dawson.”

“He’s in custody AJ. I’m gonna need a statement from you later.” Town patted his arm.

AJ nodded and swallowed. “What about Rick?”

Cecilia frowned. “He’s in surgery. The bullet hit bone.”

“How long have I been out?”

“Only a few hours. You have a bad concussion.” She brushed the hair from his face. “The doctors want to keep you overnight for observation.”

AJ opened his mouth to object.

“I already told them you wouldn’t want to stay. The doctor said that as long as you take it easy I can bring you home.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“I know my son.”

Town cleared his throat. “Well I have to be getting back to the precinct. You take care of yourself AJ. I’ll call later to find out about Rick.”

“I’ll be by as soon as I’m able Town.”

He nodded and left.

AJ sat up slowly. “Did you bring clothing?”

She held up a bag.

Embarrassingly enough she had to help him into his clothing. But it felt good to be out of the hospital gown and into something that had more coverage.

“Now it’s time to get you home.”

“Mom--”

“No arguments AJ.” She held his arm in a tight grip. “The doctor said to take it easy. Sitting in a waiting room doesn’t count. I’m taking you home to rest for a while. Then I’ll bring you back. They won’t allow anyone in the room after surgery anyway. He’ll be fine honey.”

“Yes, of course.”

She hugged. “I’m worried too. But you won’t do Rick any favors if you collapse again. Now come on.”

His mother had been right, she usually was. When he got home he took a long, hot shower to easy his back, had a sandwich, and took a nap. Or, tried to take a nap. Having to be woken every hour wasn’t conducive to rest. Eventually, when he had convinced her that he was mostly fine, she drove him back to the hospital.

They both stood vigil beside Rick’s bedside. His shoulder was bandaged up, tubes stuck in his right arm. He was pale against the sheets, pale and fragile looking. AJ held his hand tightly.

Cecilia chuckled.

He looked at her questioningly.

“This just reminds me of when you were a baby.”

“When I was a baby?”

“Yes. When you were about two and a half, three, you had pneumonia. It was so bad that we had to take you to the hospital. This was before we knew you were allergic to penicillin. They gave to you. You almost died.” She shook her head. “Thankfully…well you didn’t. You’re whole body was swollen and red from the reaction. You had tubes coming from your arms and nose. You kept pulling them out so they had to strap you down. You didn’t like that much. You were crying and crying.”

“How does that remind you of this?”

She touched Rick’s hair. “The hospital wouldn’t let Rick see you. We left him in the waiting room with Ray. I don’t know how he found his way to your room. Jack and I questioned him later about it. He just shrugged and said, I just knew. We were speaking with the doctor and suddenly, the crying stopped. Somehow he convinced you to leave the tubes alone and to get some rest. When we went to see what was happening, Rick was sitting next to you, holding your hand. You were asleep.”

**********

AJ screamed again, tugging at the restraints around his wrists and ankles. He wanted to go home. He didn’t like it here. Mommy and Daddy looked scared and they wouldn’t let him have Mr. Bear and strangers kept poking him.

He was hot and he missed his bed and he wanted Ricky.

And he didn’t feel good.

“Go home Mommy. I wanna go home. Mommy,” he sobbed, wheezing for breath. He squeezed his eyes shut.

Mommy kissed his cheek and promised to be right back.

He opened his eyes and he was alone. AJ wailed. Now Mommy and Daddy were gone. Maybe the monsters got them. Maybe they would get him next. He sucked in another breath to scream when the door opened and Rick tiptoed in.

“Hey AJ.” He waved and plopped himself on the bed.

“Ricky. Wanna go home Ricky.” He was hiccupping little sobs now. “Go home, please?”

“You’re sick AJ. You need to get better first.”

AJ shook his head. “No, go home. Please Ricky?”

“You look like a little blond cherry.”

That made him pause. “Cherry?” He sniffled loudly.

“You’re all red and poofy.”

AJ blinked rapidly, tears coming to his eyes again. “I wanna go home.”

“You will. But first you gotta get better. Don’t you wanna feel better AJ? See.” Rick touched the tubes. “They’re giving you medicine. Don’t you wanna feel better?”

AJ nodded and wheezed again. “Hurts.”

“Medicine will make you feel better.” Rick looked down at the straps. “Geez, what’d they do that for?” He freed AJ’s hands and legs.

AJ tried to pull the tubes out again.

Rick grabbed his hands. “No AJ. Remember, they give you medicine to get better. You remember don’t you?”

“Uh huh.”

“You want me to bring Mr. Bear next time I come?”

“Mommy said no.” His lower lip jutted out.

“I’ll sneak him in. Okay?” Rick stroked his hair and smiled.

AJ smiled back. Rick made him feel fuzzy and happy. Like Mommy did when she hugged him or when Daddy called him a big boy. Only Rick always made him feel fuzzy and happy.

“You look tired. Do you want to go night-night AJ?”

AJ nodded.

He took AJ’s hand. “Then go night-night. When you feel better, you, me and Dad will play catch.”

“Too little.” AJ jammed his thumb in his mouth and sucked.

“No way. You’re too brave to be too little.” Rick shushed him and kissed his cheek.

AJ closed his eyes and sighed. Ricky made him feel not afraid.

**********

“He told me what was happening.” AJ smiled. “I didn’t know what was going on and he told me. He made me feel safe.”

“You’ve always done that for each other.” She kissed him. “I’m going downstairs to get something to eat.”

“Okay Mom.” He listened to the sound of her closing the door behind her. “It’s just you and me now Rick.”

Then without thinking why, he brought Rick’s hand up. He brushed his lips against Rick’s knuckles, turned the hand and kissed his palm, his fingertips. They tasted slightly of salt and disinfectant.

He stood, leaned over Rick and kissed his cheek. Rick shifted his face slightly and before AJ could rationalize it, he fastened his lips to his brother’s. His breath tasted like medicine but his lips were soft. So sweet. AJ ran his tongue across Rick’s closed mouth and moaned.

Rick made a soft sound.

AJ stumbled back, finally realizing what he was doing, and to whom. Dear God, he was molesting his brother while he was sedated in the hospital. AJ took a deep breath. What the hell was he doing?

“AJ?”

He felt a surge of relief at the weak, raspy voice. “Yeah, it’s me.”

Rick licked his lips. “Where ‘m I?”

“The hospital.” He sat down.

“Dawson. He in custody?” His voice was already fading out.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Rick reached out a groping hand and AJ caught it in his. “Staying?”

“I’ll stay.”

“Good.” Rick’s breathing was slow and steady

AJ pressed the back of Rick’s hand to his cheek and choked back a wave of panic. His brother’s taste still lingered on his mouth and he wanted more.

For the fifth time that hour AJ rearranged the magazines on the coffee table He looked at them and frowned, reaching for them again.

“AJ will you leave them alone,” Rick said from his position on the couch. He swatted him on the butt. “They’re fine.”

“I know, I just--I--”

“You wanna hover over me like a mother hen.” He grabbed AJ’s hand and pulled him down on the couch. “I am fine AJ. The doctor says that with physical therapy my arm will be one hundred percent.” Rick cupped his chin. “What’s wrong?”

AJ pulled away and smiled. “Nothing. Are you hungry? I could make you something? Or better yet, I’ll buy you some food. How about that?”

“AJ--”

“I’ll be right back.”

“AJ.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t be long.” AJ grabbed his coat and went out to the car, closing the door behind him, effectively cutting off his brother.

He sat at the wheel of the Camaro, his hands shaking. He kept getting these flashes of images, disjointed and unsettling. First his brother’s head lying peacefully in his lap, then a flash of slick turning to sticky as the blood, Rick’s blood, dried on his hands, moving to Rick slung over his shoulder, blood soaking into his shirt. And finally, Rick’s mouth below his as AJ kissed him.

AJ started the car. He had a thought about going to the deli and maybe picking up a couple of sandwiches. But he remembered Rick’s reaction to the last sandwich. And besides, Rick was recovering from an injury.

When he got back to the house twenty minutes later he carried in two Styrofoam containers of food. With great flourish he presented one to Rick. “Your dinner sir.”

Rick propped it on his stomach and opened it. “Mexican; enchiladas, Spanish rice, and beans. AJ if you got hot sauce in your pockets, I’ll kiss ya.”

AJ pulled little packets of sauce from his jacket. “I think we can forgo the kiss.”

He grinned. “So what’s the occasion? Did the deli run out of bean sprouts?”

“I felt like Mexican. You want a soda?”

“I’d prefer a beer.”

“Sorry, alcohol and pain meds don’t mix. You know that.” AJ went to the fridge. “So a Coke?”

“Yeah.”

AJ handed him his drink and sat down.

“How come you get a beer?”

“Because I’m not on pain medication.” He spooned some rice into his mouth.

“You’re enjoying this way too much.”

He tilted his head and smiled.

**********

“Are you sure AJ? I don’t wanna put you out.”

“Rick, I told you, it’s fine.” AJ pulled back the sheets. “You’re in no condition to sleep out in ‘The Hole in the Water.’ And I’ll be fine on the couch.”

“You’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

“You’re not gonna tuck me in are you?” Rick looked down at AJ’s hands. He had the sheets clenched in his fists.

He dropped them and blushed. “No.” He backed away slowly. “Well, good night.”

“Good night.”

AJ puttered around a bit downstairs, wiping the counters, making sure all the doors and windows were shut and locked, then crawled into his makeshift bed on the couch. He stared up at the ceiling watching the light and shadows play with each other. It was so quiet, dark, and lonely. The flashes of memory kept coming, faster and faster. Only this time he remembered being half drunk and comfortable as Rick’s arms held him close.

He turned on his stomach and buried his face in his pillow. He didn’t know how Rick did it. The couch was so uncomfortable. And that damn ticking clock.

Of course Rick didn’t have to deal with all of it because he was in AJ’s room, in AJ’s bed. A flush of heat ran through his body at the thought.

Dammit, he wasn’t going to do this.

He closed his eyes and began to breathe in and out slowly. He had almost made it when a thought came unbidden to his mind: this is what it must feel like to be all alone. AJ heart sped up and he opened his eyes. Then, tossing the blankets aside he made his way upstairs.

AJ opened the door quietly and made his way into the room. This was ridiculous, it was his room. Rick was lying flat on his back on left side of the bed, the blankets kicked down around his ankles. He untangled them and covered his brother. Rick must have taken his pain medication; there was no other explanation for his ability to sneak up on him. Rick always slept lightly, it was a gift from the war.

He climbed into bed, feeling like he did when he was a little boy, when Rick had been the only important thing in the world. His big brother, brave and smart and fun. It was strange to realize that nothing had changed. Rick was still brave and smart and funny. Rick was still the most important thing in his world.

AJ remembered his arguments with Janet, when they had been engaged. She had told him, well yelled at him really, that he couldn’t commit to two people at once, that he would have to make a choice, her or Rick. She hadn’t understood when he tried to explain how important Rick was to him. He kept AJ from suffocating when life became to congested with all the trivial things. He reminded him of what was important: family and friends and just taking the time to stop and be happy. The choice hadn’t been a choice because Rick was Rick and that’s all there was to it.

AJ put his head on Rick’s good shoulder and laid his arm around his waist. His brother’s warmth seeped into him, bringing with it a sense of lethargy. Rick’s hand pushed up his back and tangled into his hair. The action raised goosebumps and he shivered, pressing his body tight against Rick’s. He breathed in his scent and nuzzled his shoulder, kissed it, tasting his skin, remembered the taste of his mouth.

The hand tightened in his hair and AJ sighed.

Safe…loved.

**********

Eighteen with a bullet, that’s what Rick had told Mom and Uncle Ray jokingly. He had been excited about graduation, excited to finally get out of school. And AJ had been excited for him.

Rick was an adult, an adult who still had time for his kid brother. They still had their late night talks, whispering over the darkness and the space between their beds, their secrets. That’s when Rick had told him that he wasn’t going to college, that he was going straight to work.

“I thought Mom was going to have a heart attack when you mooned everyone.” He lay on Rick’s bed, watching him pull off his graduation gown.

Rick ruffled his hair. “I thought I was gonna have a heart attack when she started yelling at me. Uncle Ray thought it was funny though. And you were holding in the giggles.”

“Well it was funny. You going to any parties tonight?”

He smirked. “I’m going to a very special party.”

“With Annie Myers?” AJ waggled his eyebrows

Rick looked at him. “You’re too young to know about Annie Myers.”

“Everyone knows about Annie Myers, you just better be careful about her dad.”

He poked AJ gently on the nose. “Don’t wait up squirt.”

Later that night he had been startled from sleep when Rick turned on the lamp and started rummaging through his drawers.

“Rick?” AJ sat up, rubbing his eyes. “What time is it?”

“It’s a little after two.”

“In the morning.” He blinked. “What happened to your eye?”

“Annie’s dad caught us.” Rick shoved clothes into a duffle bag. “That’s why I’m getting out of here.”

“What?” AJ sat on the edge of his bed, his feet buried in the thick rug. “Will you calm down, please?”

“He’s gonna make me marry her AJ. And he’ll do it too. That’s how Annie’s older sister got married.” He paused as he heard a knock on the front door. Then he opened the window and started out.

“Rick!”

“Meet me at the park in about an hour.”

“What do I tell Mom if she comes up here?”

“Tell her I skipped town, that I’ll call her. You’ll be at the park right?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

Then Rick was gone and he could hear yelling downstairs. AJ turned off the light and crawled into bed, feigning sleep. He heard the door open a few moments later and his mother’s hand on his forehead. Then she kissed him. He waited five minutes after she left and then jumped out of bed and got dressed.

He crawled out the window and wheeling his bike from the garage, rode to the park a few blocks away. Rick was waiting for him.

“Was it him?”

“Yeah, it was Annie’s dad.” He jammed his hands in his pockets. “What’re we gonna do?”

Rick smiled. “I was thinkin’ this is perfect opportunity for me. I’ve been thinkin’ about, well… I got my trust fund, my bike, and a great excuse to skip town.”

“Skip town? Are you crazy?”

“AJ.” Rick grabbed him by the shoulders. “There’s a whole wide world out there I ain’t never seen.”

“But…but…what about me?”

“Well what about you?” He shook his head.

AJ pulled away, stung. “Never mind.”

“If I don’t do this now, I never will. This is my chance. You understand, don’t you?”

“No, no I don’t understand. Don’t you want to be with me? I’ll be alone Rick.” He turned away.

Rick spun him around and pulled him close.

AJ buried his face in his chest. “If I ask, will you stay?”

“I need to do this AJ. I’m not like you; I can’t go to college or get a job and settle down. If I don’t do it now, I never will. I’m suffocating here AJ.”

He looked up at his brother, tears in his eyes. “You promised I never be alone.”

“You won’t be.” Rick brushed the wetness from his cheek. Then he pressed his hand against AJ’s chest. “I’ll be here, right here. And if you get lonely just look up at the sky and think of me. That’s what I’ll be do, look up at the sky and think of you.”

AJ sniffed. “That is so corny.”

He laughed. “But true. And I’ll call and write and visit. Besides you’ll be so busy with eighth grade next year you won’t even realize I’m gone.”

“I’ll realize. I always realize when you’re gone.”

“Yeah I guess you do.” Rick cupped his chin and kissed his mouth gently. “Tell Mom I’ll call her and tell Uncle Ray thanks.” He pulled away and got on his bike.

AJ hugged himself and watched him ride away. He stayed in the park till the sun came up, then made his way home. Mom and Uncle Ray were still up when he got back.

“Where the hell have you been AJ?” She grabbed his arm roughly.

“Cecilia.” Ray touched her shoulder.

AJ looked at her shell-shocked for a few moments, then he hugged her and started to cry. “He’s gone,” he sobbed, “he’s gone. He wouldn’t even stay for me. Mom, I asked him to stay and he wouldn’t.”

“Damn him. I knew he would do this. I knew it.”

He pulled away. “You knew? I didn’t know.”

“AJ, honey, Rick has always been restless. He needs to find his own way.”

“No, no, no!”

Uncle Ray held him by the shoulder. “AJ, look at me. The leaving isn’t important, it’s the coming back. And he will be back.”

“No, I’m not listening to you. It’s all your fault. You came in here, telling him stories, making him want to leave.”

“Honey, no it isn’t.” She stroked his hair. “AJ, your Uncle Ray is right. It is the coming back that’s important. When he comes back, and he will come back, it won’t be for Annie Myers, or your Uncle Ray, or even me. He’ll come back for you AJ.”

“You’re his anchor Andy. You always have been.”

“It hurts. It hurts.”

“I know.” Cecilia cradled him against her. “Oh baby, I know.”

It hurt, for the longest time it hurt. And no matter how many times he looked up at the sky the emptiness in his chest wouldn’t go away.

Not until that day he was doing his homework in the living room and he heard the revving sound of a motorcycle and he looked out window.

“Mom, Mom it’s Rick!”

She had rushed from the kitchen and opened the front door.

He walked up, smiling and hugged her. “Hi Mom. What’s for dinner?”

She laughed and hit him softly on the shoulder. “Get cleaned up first, then we’ll talk dinner.”

AJ stood back. Rick was dark from the sun and muscled. He must have spent a lot of time working outside.

“Hey kid.”

He tried to smile, to put up a good front for him.

“AJ?”

He ran forward, grabbing Rick tightly around the waist. “I missed you.”

Rick’s hands were in his hair. “I missed you too.”

“It didn’t help Rick, it didn’t help at all.”

“Yeah I know. But I’m here now. I’m here.”

**********

There was a tickling in his ear. He tried brushing it away but it was persistent. Then suddenly he felt something wet enter his ear. AJ yelped and sat up.

Rick chuckled. “Geez kid, forget what a Wet Willy feels like.”

AJ rubbed his ear. “That’s really mature Rick. How old are you again?”

“What’re you doing up here anyway? Afraid that a monster was going to snatch you up?”

He shrugged, his mind churning for an explanation. “My back was giving me trouble. And as you’ve said before, my bed is big enough for two.”

“Oh. Do you want the shower first?”

“No, go ahead. I’ll start breakfast.

“Can we have pancakes?” His eyes were wide with enthusiasm.

“Yes, we can have pancakes.”

He watched with barely concealed disgust as Rick smeared peanut butter and strawberry jelly on his pancakes. When his brother started to squeeze maple syrup on them AJ took a drink of coffee and buried himself in the sports page.

He was started from his reading by a cold wetness nudging his arm. “Marlowe! Rick, what did I tell you about having that mutt in here while we’re eating?”

“Sorry. Soon as I’m done AJ, I’ll put him outside.”

AJ shook his head but he did sneak a sausage from his plate and feed it to Marlowe. He and the dog had a deal. Marlowe wouldn’t mind the badmouthing as long as AJ fed him treats now and then.

“What are we doing today?”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” He turned the page. “Well I have to the office and check our messages. You need to relax your shoulder.”

“I’ve spent too much time inside, I’m bored. Let’s do something. Let’s go fishing or down to Mexico.”

“Rick.” He put down his paper. “You are going to lay down and get some rest while I go to the office and get some work done. No fishing, no trips, nothing.”

There was a twinkle in Rick’s eyes that said it was going to be a long morning.

**********

Rick slurped on his ice cream cone. “See, I told you this would be fun. I mean, when was the last time we went to the zoo together?”

“If I remember correctly the last time I was shot full of drugs and you had to keep me from being mauled by a mountain lion.” He licked at the dripping strawberry ice cream.

“Well see, perfect timing.” Rick nudged him. “And it’s more fun than hanging around the house or checking messages.”

“Yes,” he replied grudgingly, “it is more fun. How’s your shoulder?”

“It’s not hurting me if that’s what you’re wondering.” Rick pointed. “Look, the monkeys.”

“Hey, that one looks like you.”

Rick glared at him. “Funny. I--”

“Rick? Rick Simon?”

He smiled and turned slowly. “Margie Wilson.”

Margie smiled and flipped her blonde hair from her face. A little girl of about five clung to her hand. “It’s been forever. What happened to your arm?”

“Got shot. Oh, Margie this is my kid brother AJ. AJ, this is Margie, we dated a few months back.”

AJ forced a smile on his face. “Nice to meet you Margie.”

Rick was squatting in front of the little girl. “Hi, I’m Rick. What’s your name darlin’?”

“Darla,” she replied shyly.

“She’s my niece.”

“No way.” Rick touched her cheek gently. “She’s too grown up to be your niece. Sister, maybe.”

Darla giggled. “You’re silly.”

“Yeah,” AJ said wryly. “I tell him that all the time.”

“You’ll have to forgive my brother,” Rick whispered loudly. “He hasn’t had his nap yet.” He stood and offered Margie his arm.

She took it and they walked off towards a bench to talk.

Darla looked up at him and took his hand. “Did your brother bring you to the zoo?”

He sighed. “He sure did.”

“I hate it when she doesn’t pay attention to me. Do you hate it when your brother doesn’t pay attention to you?”

Rick threw back his head and laughed at something Margie said.

“Very much.”

“AJ, AJ, come here.” Rick motioned for him.

He walked over. “You don’t have to yell.”

“Margie invited us to lunch.”

Which of course, by the look in her eyes, probably wasn’t completely true. AJ was pretty sure that Rick had been invited to lunch and he had just assumed that the invitation included both of them.

“I’d like to, but I’m afraid that I have things to do today that I really can’t put off. It was nice meeting you Margie and you too Darla.” He winked at the little girl.

Rick grabbed him and pulled him aside. “Come on AJ, the stuff at work can wait. You’ll like Margie.”

“I’m sure I will. But I think she’d rather be alone with you. You have fun and I’ll see you…tomorrow.”

“Aw, it ain’t like that.”

Maybe not, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. “I’ll see you later then. Go.”

Rick shot him a reluctant glance and walked away.

It wasn’t until much later, after the office, after dinner, after he had shut off the lamp and lay in the darkness, that he realized he was angry and hurt. How could he have been so stupid as to let Rick talk him into playing hooky? It always ended up with him holding the bag, always. But he fell for it, every time.

He turned on his side, fuming. Well he wouldn’t take it anymore. He was getting sick and tired of getting the short end of the stick.

The bedroom door opened and a recalcitrant figure tiptoed in, boots in hand.

“Well I hope you had fun.”

“AJ, what’re you doing up?” Rick turned on the lamp.

“So did you have fun ditching me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He pulled off his shirt and wiggled out of his jeans.

AJ’s face flushed and he looked away. “Forget it. I’m surprised she didn’t ask you to stay.”

“Who says she didn’t?” The bed dipped as Rick climbed in. “I told her I had a long day tomorrow. You’re mad.” Rick brushed the side of his face. “Why are you mad?”

“It doesn’t matter.” His voice wavered. Dammit, he wasn’t going to do this.

“AJ?”

“You just left me.” He faced Rick. “You left me as if I was some child.”

“You could have come to lunch with us.”

“Oh, I’m sure Margie would have loved that. She wanted to be with you Rick, not me. I thought--never mind.”

“You’re jealous.” He grabbed AJ by the chin. “You’re jealous of her.”

“Don’t be an idiot.” AJ was shaking. “I don’t care who you sleep with.”

“Maybe I should have stayed the night.”

“Go to hell.” He threw back the covers and got out of bed. AJ was half way across the room when he felt Rick’s arms around him. He struggled. “Let me go. Let--”

“Dammit, calm down!” His arms squeezed AJ all the more tightly.

“Please let me go.” AJ’s voice was thick with tears. “Please Rick.”

“Geez AJ, I’m sorry. I forgot, I just forgot how--” He kissed AJ’s temple. “I’m here. You know I’m here. You’re not alone. I’m alive and here and you’re not alone.”

He faced Rick and slumped against him. “You were bleeding, you were bleeding and I couldn’t do anything. You were dying and I couldn’t do anything.”

“I didn’t die. I didn’t die. Shhh.” He rubbed AJ’s back with his good hand. When AJ had finally got himself under control Rick squeezed his neck. “God kid, no wonder your back’s bugging you. You’re too damned tense. Take off your shirt and get on the bed.”

“Why?” He blinked away the wetness from his eyes.

“Just do it.”

AJ unbuttoned his shirt and placed it carefully on the foot of his bed. Then he lay down on his stomach, arms cradling a pillow under his chin.

Rick fumbled around in his nightstand and straddled him.

“Wha--” The word was cut off as Rick’s oil slicked fingers dug into his neck.

“Relax, I got ya.”

There was one thing Rick did extremely well and AJ imagined that what made him so popular with the ladies. Rick’s hands could do wonders. He couldn’t count how many times those hands had left him a quivering, giggling heap when he was a child or coaxed him into sleep when he had been upset.

Rick started off at the neck, fingers soothing away the knot there then moved lower to his shoulders.

“You shouldn’t…your shoulder--” He groaned as his brother massaged him.

“I can handle it.”

He arched into Rick’s hands, gasping and moaning at the pleasure that was generated. Heat, muscles relaxing, skin rubbing across skin in sensuous circles and his heart pounding in his ears, drowning out the panting of his breath.

“Rick, oh God.” As his brother hit a particularly tense spot and teased it into relaxation.

Fingers traced his spine, then pushed outward under his shoulder blades and down his sides.

He moaned and groaned, hips unconsciously pressing into the mattress until he realized and held them still.

And Rick’s, “That’s it. That’s my AJ. Good, good.” Words whispered so that he could almost feel them move across his skin along with Rick’s hands.

God, oh God he was close. Could Rick feel that in his muscles? And then, then…Rick pulled away to lie next to him.

He had to bite back a wail of disappointment.

“That ought to help you sleep.”

AJ kept quiet because he knew that if he opened his mouth all that would come out was begging.

“Good night AJ.”

He grunted and tried holding himself still as he felt the shakes coming on. Not for the first time AJ wondered what the hell was wrong with him.

**********

When AJ woke the next morning the front of his pajama bottoms were damp. He grimaced. Just what he needed, an opportunity for Rick to tease him. He looked over next to him surprised to see it empty.

“Rick?” Perfect. AJ jumped out of bed, took a quick shower, and changed into clean clothing. Then he made his way downstairs. “Rick, are you down here?”

There was still no answer. Marlowe ambled up to him and licked his hand. He crouched down on his haunches. “Hey Marlowe, have you see Rick?”

The dog let out a woof.

“That’s what I thought.” He scratched behind Marlowe’s ears. He looked up as the door opened. “Mom, what are you doing here?”

“AJ, hi honey. I didn’t expect to see you. Rick came by this morning and asked me to take care of Marlowe for a few days. Why didn’t he ask you?”

AJ stood up. “Well he knows how much Marlowe annoys me.”

Cecilia frowned at him. “Did the two of you have a fight?”

“No, why?”

“Rick seemed preoccupied.”

“Well we didn’t fight.” AJ shrugged. “He didn’t say how long he’d be gone, did he?”

“He just said a few days.” She laid her hand on his cheek. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about.” He stepped back out of her reach. “I can care of Marlowe, Mom. He likes spending time in the office.”

“Honey--”

“You know Mom, I’m going to be late to the office if I don’t hurry.” He swallowed against the lump in his throat.

“You can tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell. Look, I’ll call you later okay?” He kissed her cheek. “Come on Marlowe.”

**********

“You broke it! You little brat.” Rick snatched the broken plane from AJ’s hands. “I told you and I told you, not to mess with my stuff.”

“It was an accident. I--I can glue it.” He shoved his fists into his pockets. “I didn’t mean to do it.”

“Dad gave this to me before he died. Three years I had it, three, and you broke it.” He tossed it on the ground and shoved him. “How could you?”

“Please, I’m sorry.”

Rick shook his head violently. “I hate you.”

“Rick--” But before he could apologize again his brother ran out of the room. He picked up the broken pieces of wood and set it on his desk. Maybe with a little bit of glue he could paste it back together. Maybe he could make it whole again.

**********

Three days after that first morning AJ walked into the office and Rick was sitting at his desk. He paused and nodded a hello.

Marlowe raced past him and rested his paws on Rick’s lap, panting.

“Hey boy, did you miss me?”

AJ smoothed his shirt and sat down. “You left rather abruptly. I’m sure he was wondering where you had gone.”

“I had some things I needed to think through.”

“You couldn’t tell me you were going? You couldn’t--”

“You woulda asked me why. I wasn’t ready to tell you.”

“Mom came by and asked if we had a fight. I told her no, but now I’m not so sure. Did I…did I do something wrong?”

“No. AJ, I…” Rick stood up and walked over to him. He sat on the edge of AJ’s desk. “The other night, when I gave you that massage, you…you…you’re the most important thing in my life. I won’t jeopardize that.”

“I did do something wrong.”

Rick grabbed him by the lapels and pulled him up. “You don’t understand. AJ, you’re my little brother and--”

But before he could finish what he needed to day the door opened and woman stepped inside hesitantly. “Hello?”

He let AJ go and went to look out the window.

“I’m sorry, did I come at a bad time?”

“No, of course not.” AJ smiled. “I’m AJ Simon, this is my brother Rick. Please have a seat. How can we help you?”

“My name is Sarah Roland. It’s my daughter Daniela. I think she may be planning on running off with her boyfriend. I want you to follow her. You can do that can’t you?”

“Of course we can.” He glanced at Rick out of the corner of his eye. He never moved from his spot at the window. “Are you sure you want to do this? It might be better if you just asked her.”

“I have, but she won’t talk to me.” She pulled out a slip of paper from her purse. “This is a recent picture of her with Stephen, her boyfriend. I’d like you to start as soon as possible if you can. She should be at school now. Can you start now?”

“Well we haven’t even discussed our fee.”

“I don’t care about that. I’ll pay whatever it is.”

AJ looked over at Rick. “Well?”

He shrugged. “Where does your daughter go to school?”

AJ climbed into the cab of the truck carrying two grease stained bags. Rick was looking through the binoculars at the gym of the high school

“Do you see anything,” he asked.

“She definitely went to gym. I saw her running with her classmates. There’s still another half an hour of class, then she goes wherever she goes after school. Is that my late lunch?”

“Oh yeah.” He handed over one of the bags absently, squinting over at the direction of the school.

“Chili dogs. Am I dying?”

“What?” AJ stared at Rick, frowning.

“Are you dying?”

“I…”

“When was the last time you offered me chili dogs, when I wasn’t injured.”

“Well I don’t know?”

“Exactly. So I repeat, am I dying?”

“Maybe I just wanted to be nice. Is that such a terrible thing? If I knew it was going to bother you I wouldn’t have bothered.”

“Hey, I was kidding.” Rick put a hand on his shoulder.

“It wasn’t funny.” He shrugged it off.

“Let me make it up to you then, for everything. We’ll go out to dinner tonight, my treat.” He brushed the side of AJ’s face.

“I’ve seen your idea of dinner. Surf and turf doesn’t appeal to me.” AJ reached out to push his hand away.

Rick grabbed his hand and squeezed his fingers. “Your idea of dinner, not mine.”

“I…I don’t think that…” Rick’s eyes were the bluest he had ever seen. Why hadn’t he noticed that before?

“Say yes.”

“Yes.”

He let go of AJ’s fingers and dipped into the bag of food.

AJ looked out the window, silent.

“Ya know I feel kinda like a Peeping Tom.”

“Well you’re not supposed to watch her undress Rick.”

“Geez AJ, she’s sixteen. I do have some morals.” He hit AJ softly upside the head. “She ain’t leaving tonight.”

“Are you sure?”

“You forgot who you’re talking too. We can hang around another hour if you want but she’s staying in.”

AJ sighed. “All right. You were the master of sneaking out of the house.”

“So you hungry?”

“Starved. Are we going to dinner now?”

Rick smiled at him. “Sure.” He pulled out onto the street.

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a secret. Don’t worry, you’ll like it.”

“Huh. Last time you said that I was dangling from my ankles for half the night and you thought you were the great and powerful Oz.”

“Sounds like a typical Saturday night to me.”

AJ scowled at him.

A half hour later they pulled up to quiet little Italian restaurant.

“So what do you think?”

“I think I’ll reserve my opinions till the bill is paid.” But he was impressed. He hadn’t realized that Rick knew places like this existed.

“Wait till you get inside. Come on.”

He smoothed his jacket. “I don’t think you’re dressed appropriately for this place.”

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s go.”

Candles and dim lanterns lighted the place, giving it an Old World feeling. Rick must have impressed many a woman with the place. He ushered AJ towards the maitri di.

“Rick!” The maitri di moved from behind the podium and hugged him. “It’s been awhile. What happened to your shoulder?”

“Got shot.”

“Again?”

He shrugged. “Oh Geraldo, I’d like to meet someone.” Rick presented AJ. “Geraldo this is…Andrew. Andrew, this is Geraldo. He owns this dump.”

AJ gave Rick a quizzical look before shaking Geraldo’s hand. “Nice to meet.”

“Well.” Geraldo gave Rick a leering grin. “This is a first. Nice to meet you Andrew. You must be very special to Rick.”

AJ’s face warmed. “Actually--”

“Not to worry, we’re discrete here.”

“So you got a place for us tonight?” He laid a hand on the back of AJ’s neck.

“Of course. This way please.” Geraldo sat them in a corner booth, away from the crowd. “A waiter will be by to take your order.”

“Rick,” he hissed quietly. “He thinks--he--he thinks we’re lovers. And you let him.”

“Relax AJ, what do you care? It’s my reputation.” He put down his menu. “I’m gonna have the chicken Marcellus. What about you?”

AJ floundered a bit before giving up. “The linguini with clam sauce.”

Rick ordered for the both of them, bantering with the waiter who happened to be Geraldo’s eldest son. Then he surprised AJ by ordering the house wine. When it was brought out Rick made a big show of pouring him a glass.

“This meal is going to set you back.”

“You’re worth it.”

“So do you think Daniela’s going to run away with her boyfriend?”

He shook his head. “I don’t wanna talk about work okay?”

“Okay. So where have you been these past few days?”

Rick picked up a breadstick and broke it in half. “Fishing. I told you, I needed to think.”

“Did you come to some sort of conclusion?”

“Yeah.”

“So are you going to tell me or keep me guessing?”

“I was trying to figure out where we fit with each other.”

“I--I don’t understand.”

Rick took his hand. “Why did you and Janet decide not to get married?”

“Lots of reasons. She and I…we…”

“‘Cause of me.”

“She gave me a choice, you or her.”

“Why did you choose me?”

“You’re my brother. I need you.”

“You needed a brother more than you needed a wife?” Rick’s thumb traced little circles on his palm.

His breathing quickened. “I suppose. I never really thought about it.”

“I have. Most men would have chose Janet. She’s smart, sexy, and she loved you. I never understood why. Until now. Junior’s coming with the food.” He pulled his hand back.

AJ’s head reeled at the change of subject. His hand felt bare lying against the table so he gripped his wine glass. Then he figured, what the hell Rick was paying, and drained it.

He hated when Rick was right, but he was right. The food here was delicious. The pasta cooked to the right consistency, the sauce creamy and spiced enough so as not to be overpowering.

“This is really great. How’s your food?”

AJ poured himself another glass of wine. “Wonderful.”

“Wanna try some of mine?”

“Sure.” He reached out a fork, which Rick parried with his own.

“Let me.” Rick speared a piece of chicken and holding the back of AJ’s head, slipped it between his parted lips. Then Rick’s fingers traced the side of his face. “You got a little, here.” He wiped some sauce from the corner of AJ’s mouth and brought it to his mouth, sucking it off.

Something inside of AJ snapped at the action. He grabbed Rick’s head and kissed him hard, devouring the mouth.

Rick sucked his bottom lip, gnawing on it gently. His hands slipped inside of AJ’s jacket, rubbing up and down his back.

AJ broke away from the kiss. “We can get a doggy bag for the food right?”

“Yeah.” He licked at AJ’s mouth, making him shudder.

“I want to go home.”

“Are you sure? This is crazy.”

“I know.” He nuzzled his brother’s mouth. “I don’t care.”

They didn’t bother with doggy bag and AJ was extremely grateful. All he wanted was to get Rick home and into bed. He didn’t care, Rick was his brother and he just didn’t care. He wanted him, wanted him now.

Every time they would come to a stop sign or a red light Rick would turn to him and they would resume kissing and groping. They were likely to get arrested. Or else he was going to explode.

When they pulled into the driveway AJ jumped out of the truck and raced for the door. Rick followed, laughing breathlessly. Then he caught AJ by the waist, spun him around, and pressed him back against the house. AJ handed him the keys. With one hand Rick unlocked the door, the other he slipped between AJ’s thighs, teasing his erection.

Rick finally got the door open and grabbing him by the shirt pulled him into the house. AJ heard the door slam shut and before he could protest Rick’s tongue was in his mouth and he was pressed up against the kitchen counter.

Then Rick took a few steps back and started working on the buttons of his denim shirt. AJ took a deep breath, trying to calm himself enough to think. They couldn’t do it right here, even if his back would allow it, it was probably unsanitary. That was when he chanced a look at the answering machine.

Habit alone made him press play on the damn thing.

Rick came up from behind him, kissing his neck and pulling his shirt from his slacks. He moaned and braced himself against the counter. Bleach could kill anything, he’d give the kitchen a thorough cleaning.

Then three words cut through the fog of lust, ‘Daniela’s run away.’

“Rick stop. C’mon, stop.” He pushed at Rick’s hands.

“What’s wrong?”

“The machine. Listen.” He pressed the replay button.

Rick’s hands stilled as they listened to the message.

“Mr. Simon, it’s Sarah Roland. You need to come to my house quickly. I checked Daniela’s room a few moments ago and she’s missing. I think Daniela’s run away. Please hurry.” She sounded close to tears.

“Dammit.” Rick was already buttoning his shirt. “Looks like this is gonna have to wait. Ya wanna go in separate cars?”

“It might be best if we’re going to have to chase her down.” He grabbed Rick’s arm as he turned to go. “Are you all right with this?”

“I love you AJ. Now let’s go find that girl.”

AJ nodded and followed him out.

**********

The airplane was a lumpy mess of wood and glue. AJ looked at it and let out a sob. Rick would never forgive him.

**********

It was close to dawn when they finally picked her up at the Greyhound station, alone and crying. They took her home.

The homecoming went as well as could be expected.

“I don’t believe you,” she screamed. “You hired narcs to follow me?”

“Yes, I did. I knew you would do something as stupid as this. What were you thinking?”

“You don’t understand. I love him and he loves me.”

“You’re sixteen years old. What do you know about love?”

“I hate you!” Daniela turned away.

Mrs. Roland looked at them imploringly.

Rick shrugged.

“Daniela, I know you think you love him.” AJ sat next to her.

“What do you know? I do love him and he loves me.”

“Then where is he,” he asked gently.

Daniela looked down at her hands. “He was coming. Are you even married?”

“No.”

“Engaged? Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Then how can you say anything?”

“Because I’ve been in love a few times. What were you planning on doing for money when the two of you got to wherever you were going? You can’t eat love.” He touched her hair.

“I would have gotten a job.”

“Without a diploma?”

“You don’t understand. I know it’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. I love him so much it hurts when we’re not together. He’s all I think about. I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks, we belong together.”

AJ took a deep breath. “Maybe you do love him and in a perfect world the two of you could be together. But we don’t live in a perfect world, we live in this one. And in this world… If you really love him, you can wait. And if he really loves you, so will he.”

With that Daniela burst into tears and ran up to her room.

**********

Rick flopped down on the couch and let out a groan. “Oh, it’s been a long night.”

He sat down next to him. “Yeah, it has.”

“Go ahead.”

“Go ahead?” AJ leaned forward, leaning his arms against his knees.

“What you told Daniela about this not being a perfect world.” Rick laid a hand on his back.

“This isn’t going to work is it? I mean if anyone ever found out…if Mom or Town or… Our reputations would be ruined.”

“Speak for yourself. My reputation is already ruined.”

He sat back. “Will you be serious?”

“I am. AJ no one ever said it was gonna be easy. I didn’t exactly plan this. I didn’t wake up one morning deciding that I was gonna fall in love with you. But it happened. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment. Hell what am I saying, yeah I can.”

“You…you can?”

He nodded. “The moment when Daddy lifted me up to the glass at the hospital and pointed to you and said, there’s your brother Ricky, there’s your brother Andrew.”

“It’s not that simple for me.” AJ stood up and walked over to the glass doors leading out to the patio.

“Isn’t it? Do you remember my first date? My first real date.”

“Renee Parker.”

Rick stood behind him. “You were eleven years old and you begged to come along. Begged and begged until I finally said yes.”

“Boy was Renee mad.” He chuckled.

“How many times did you crawl into my bed ‘cause you were afraid I was gonna disappear sometime during the night?”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

He grabbed AJ by the shoulder. “It does mean something, you know it does.”

AJ spun around to look at him. “And if it does? It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s wrong.”

“I love you.”

“It doesn’t change anything. Love doesn’t change anything.” He slipped into Rick’s arms, pressing his face into his chest. “Don’t you see it doesn’t change anything?”

Rick buried his face in AJ’s hair. “It does. It does and you know it.”

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t you AJ? Don’t you?”

**********

He placed the Rick’s plane and his little silver truck on the bed and waited, heart pounding in his throat.

Rick came in, slamming the door behind him. He glanced down at the bed and sneered. “Couldn’t fix it could you?” He scooped up both the truck and the plane. Then he let the plane fall to the ground. “How come you gave me this? It can’t replace what Dad gave me.”

“I know.” He twisted his shirt in his hands. “Daddy gave it to me when he gave you the plane remember. I want you to break it, that way we can be even. I don’t want you to hate me Rick.”

“What if I wanna hate you?”

He sniffed. “S’up to you I guess. But you’re my best friend and…and I didn’t mean to break it! I know it was important ‘cause Daddy gave it to you. And I’m sorry. Please don’t hate, please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me!” He started to bawl, rubbing his eyes with his fists.

When he heard the crunch as Rick’s foot landed on his truck, he let out an even louder wail.

“Aw will you quit.” Rick hugged him, rubbing his hair gently. “I didn’t break your stupid truck. Open your eyes, look.” He thrust the truck into AJ’s hands.

AJ looked down at the floor and the plane that was now a broken gooey mess on the rug. “But--but we’re not even?”

“I didn’t even like that stupid thing. Besides, I got other stuff from Dad.”

“Really?” He dried his tears on his big brother’s t-shirt.

“Yeah, really. I mean, it was wooden anyway. I can get another one for ten cents at the corner store.”

“I’m stil sorry Rick.”

“I know you are. It don’t matter. And I don’t hate you. Okay?”

“Okay.” He nodded. “Mom’s not going to like the mess you made.”

“That’s all right. I’ll just tell her you made it.” Rick bolted out of the room.

“Rick!” He ran for the door. “Don’t believe him Mom, he’s lying!”

**********

“So we should tell the world to go to hell?”

“Why not? It’s not as hard as you think. I’ve been doing it for years.” Rick kissed his mouth quickly and gently.

“If anyone ever found out…” He parted his lips for another kiss.

Rick obliged, tongue teasing at his lips, moving deeper to scrape against the roof of his mouth. He untucked AJ’s shirt, running his hands over skin.

AJ moaned and pushed his hip against Rick’s crotch.

He sank slowly to his knees, laying AJ on the ground. “Your back is gonna give you hell.”

“I don’t care.” He parted his thighs.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” Rick pulled off his shirt and then attacked AJ’s buttons. He slid his hands over AJ’s stomach and chest.

AJ arched upward, feeling his nipples harden. “Rick, please.” Then there was the wetness of his mouth against AJ’s stomach, soft kisses, tongue slowly teasing out a heated response. He was burning as Rick trailed up his neck, sucking his Adam’s apple, his chin, then again, his mouth.

He wrapped his legs around Rick’s waist and started to thrust. Then Rick was pushing his legs down, holding his hips still. Rick’s fingers scrambled at his belt, opened his pants, pulled them down, along with his underwear, down his thighs and legs, stopping around his ankles.

Rick seemed to like his thighs, stroking them with his fingers then his tongue until AJ had to grab his hair and tug.

“I know,” Rick whispered before taking the tip of his penis in his mouth.

AJ choked back a scream, arching up, trying to bury himself in the wet heat. Thrusting, thrusting, and it all fell away and came back. It felt like jumping off a building and seeing the ground come rushing up. You knew you were in for something big but it was too late to stop it.

He lay back, boneless and satisfied, against the carpeting.

Rick flopped next to him, breathing hard and smiling. He brushed the hair from AJ’s face. “Hi.”

AJ laughed. “Hi.”

“Fancy meeting you here.”

He moved his eyes down Rick’s body, noting the disheveled appearance, the dark wet spot at the crotch of his jeans. “Too much for you?”

“Nothing I can’t handle. Though I’m probably gonna need to sleep for a week and take a pain pill. Damn you’re strong when you wanna be. I’m gonna have to take out insurance in case of an accident.”

“Does it hurt bad?” He started to sit up.

“Naw.” Rick pushed him back down. “I’m good. You?”

“I’m good.” He put his head on Rick’s chest. “Am I hurting you?”

“Nope.” Rick ran his fingers through AJ’s hair. “You okay with this?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Uh-huh. I’ve always loved you, ya know. I wasn’t lying about that.”

“I know. I’ve always loved you too.”

“We should get up. Your back…my back…”

“‘M fine.” They didn’t live in a perfect world, but sometimes, sometimes it was damned close.

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