Warning: Incest and sex between two men.

If you gave me just a coin for every time we say goodbye

Well I’d be rich beyond my dreams, I’m sorry for my weary life

I know I’m not perfect but I can smile

And I hope that you see this heart behind my tired eyes

--I’m No Angel, Dido

No Angel

By Zenia

Rick stepped outside and into the sun. He closed his eyes, feeling the warmth, blocking out the frank stares of hatred his uniform provoked. He had told his Mom and AJ not to meet him at the airport. It was almost inevitable that there would be name-calling and spitting. He didn’t want them to see that. Rick wasn’t sure that he could handle it.

God, he wasn’t even sure he remembered how to walk down the street without feeling exposed, like he should have a weapon in his hands.

He opened his eyes, hailed a taxi, and ignored the look of disgust in the eyes of the cabdriver.

Another fifteen minutes and he’s be home. For two years he had dreamed of this day, of this moment. He would be able to kiss Mom and hug AJ.

AJ. Would the kid hate him now?

Rick pressed his hand against the glass of the window and swallowed down the lump in his throat. He could still remember how angry AJ had been with him.

He remembered…

They were both lying back on the grass, staring up at the stars. He was curling his toes, letting the blades tickled them. It was nice, quiet except for the sound of the wind in the trees and AJ, breathing beside him.

Then the kid turned on his side and stared at him.

Rick ignored it, ignored it until it made him uncomfortable. He looked over at him “What?”

“Don’t go,” AJ whispered and stretched out his hand.

Rick looked back up at the sky. “You’re not going to start that again.” He sighed and out of the corner of his eye, saw AJ’s hand drop to the grass. “I have to go.”

“No you don’t. You could go back to Canada. A lot of guys--”

“I’m not a lot of guys. Leave it.” Rick sucked in a lungful of air then let it out slowly.

“You’ll die there. You’ll die.” AJ grabbed his shirt. “Don’t you care that you’ll die?”

Rick shoved the hand away. “You don’t know that. What are you trying to do, jinx me?”

AJ sat up “Please don’t go. Rick…please?”

Rick looked up over at him, surprised and pained to see the tears coursing down AJ’s cheeks. He scrambled up and knelt in front of the kid. Rick touched his cheek, wiping away the wetness. “I’ll be back before you know it. In a couple of months you’ll start college and you’ll be busy with classes and homework and--”

“And what?” Outrage flared in AJ’s eyes. “I’ll forget that you’re off somewhere getting yourself killed?”

“I’ll be back.”

“You don’t know that.”

Rick leaned forward so that he could feel AJ’s breath against his lips. “I’ll be back,” he whispered.

AJ’s eyes fluttered closed. “I don’t believe you.”

He kissed AJ then, on the mouth, letting his lips linger for what seemed like an eternity. He could taste the salty tang of tears, the bitter sadness, regret, and finally love, sweet and warm. He tugged AJ to him, the line of his brother’s body pliant against him.

They stayed that way for long minutes before he dragged himself back.

AJ frowned at him.

“You have to believe AJ. I gotta know you believe.” Rick brushed his fingers against AJ’s lips. He could see the pain in the kid’s eyes, the indecision. Then…

“I believe,” he said quietly so that Rick wasn’t sure he heard it. AJ wrapped himself around Rick and said it again into his ear. “I believe.”

“Hey buddy, we’re here.”

Rick shuddered and blinked several times, as if to dislodge the memories from his sight. He handed the cabbie some money and got out of the car. He stood on the sidewalk, duffle bag at his feet and stared at the house. Suddenly his mouth was dry and his heard was racing. What if, what if they looked into his eyes and all they could see was a murderer?

What if--

The door opened and Mom stood in the doorway. She smiled at him, warm and bright and he could feel tears stinging his eyes he picked up his back and walked slowly to the door.

“Rick.” She held out her arms.

He moved forward and held her tight. She smelled like roses and she felt…oh God, she felt so good. “Mom.”

“I know honey, I know.” Then she moved back and ushered him inside.

AJ stood just inside the living room, him arms crossed over his chest. He looked taller, his hair was longer: he was older.

“Hey Kid.”

“Hi Rick.” AJ smiled tentatively.

He stepped over to him and stood in front of him. “You’ve grown.”

AJ shrugged.

Rick put his hands on AJ’s shoulders, then pulled him into an embrace. For a moment AJ stood there, stiff as a Popsicle stick. Then suddenly he melted and hugged Rick back, hard. He laid his cheek against AJ’s hair and sighed.

**********

He had dreamed about being home so often he had forgotten what it was really like. In some ways Vietnam was easier, he had known where he stood there, knew what he had to do. But here… Mom kept looking at him like he was going to break or disappear. She cried a lot and hugged him a lot. And AJ, the kid had never been awkward around him before. But now he seemed happy to have some distance between them. It made him wonder what AJ saw when he looked at him.

Rick decided that he would need to try harder.

**********

AJ was sprawled out on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He didn’t spend much time at home, except Sunday nights for dinner. It was the perfect time to talk to him. The kid was well fed and quiet.

“So how did the midterm go?” Rick was sitting down on his own bed trying not to fidget.

“It was all right,” he said and fell silent.

Rick waited for him to continue. Usually AJ loved talking about school. When it became apparent he wasn’t going to say anything more, he tried again. “I’m sure you did fine.”

“I’m sure I did too.”

Rick nodded and cleared his throat. He didn’t know what to say. “How do you like staying in the door? You like your roommate?”

“Yeah, Tommy’s a great guy.” He was still staring up at the ceiling.

“Tell me about him.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I’m curious. I--”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” AJ’s face was impassive.

Rick couldn’t take it anymore. AJ had said only about ten words to him at dinner and wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”

“AJ, I know something’s wrong.”

He turned to Rick, his jaw clenched. “You don’t know anything.”

“Why are you so pissed at me?”

AJ laughed. “Did you think you could come back here after two years and just pick up where you left off? You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know hat I’ve been through, what I feel, so don’t pretend that you do.”

“I wasn’t--”

He stood up, towering over Rick. “How’s school AJ? Got a girlfriend AJ? How do you like your roommate,” he said mockingly. “You wanna know Rick, you really wanna know? School’s great, I don’t have a girlfriend, and Tommy’s a better big brother than you’ll ever be!” With that, AJ spun on his heels and walked out the door.

Rick didn’t stop him from leaving.

**********

She was beautiful. Kind dirty in some places, rusty in others, she would need a lot of work but Rick knew that it would be worth it. He regretted selling his old bike but it was necessary. AJ didn’t ride and Mom needed the money, so he got rid of it.

Rick ran his hands over the seat. This bike was freedom. He pulled out his tools and got to work. The familiarity of it was comforting and he finally felt at ease.

He had been working on it for a few hours when a shadow fell over him.

“What’s this pile of junk?”

Rick looked up and wiped the sweat from his forehead. “It’s my new motorcycle. I thought you had a full day of classes today?”

AJ squatted down on his heel and shrugged. “I wanted to apologize, for yesterday.”

“I know it’s been tough for you.”

“You were the one that was in that hell for two years. I didn’t have any right be cruel. I’m sorry.” AJ touched the side of his face. “You have grease on you.”

“AJ, what’s wrong?” He could see the sadness and pain back in AJ’s eyes. It hurt him to see that there. It made his kid brother look older than he should. “Why are you so mad at me?”

“I’m not.” In one fluid movement the kid was on his feet.

Rick scrambled up after him. “Don’t lie to me.”

He looked down and shrugged. “You’re different. I knew you would be, but…”

“I’m not that different.”

AJ stared into his eyes. “You’ve had to kill people.”

Rick felt his throat tighten. So this is what it was about. He never thought that AJ would think—but why should that surprise him, the kid was a campus commando. “Yeah, that’s right, I murdered people.” He spun around.

“No.” AJ grabbed his arm. “I didn’t mean it like that. How could you think I would mean it like that?”

“Then how the hell did you mean it?” He tried to sound angry but the pain got through instead.

“There wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that I didn’t think about you. Sometimes I’d lie in bed and think about how it used to be. I remember once you made a slingshot. Do you remember that?” AJ’s hand tightened around his arm. “You accidentally killed a bird.”

Rick nodded, he remembered. The bird had been tiny, warm. He had picked it up, it’s body broken…warm. Oh yes, he did remember.

“You cried for two days. Two days for a stupid bird. All I could think was how, how the war must have been destroying you inside. And there was nothing I could do about it.” AJ drew a shuddering breath. “God Rick, I’ve seen people coming back. No legs, no arms, dead inside. I didn’t want you like that but I knew that you’d be different. Yeah I’m mad, mad that you did this to yourself.”

“AJ.” He tangled his fingers into his brother’s blond hair and pulled him forward.

AJ laid his head against Rick’s chest and started crying. “I just wanted you back. I just wanted you safe and whole. Then you signed up for another year. You stupid fuck, why did you sign up for another year?”

“I had to. I had to because I was different and I wasn’t sure that I could live here anymore. I didn’t’ know if I wanted you to see the kind of person I had become. I’m a murderer.”

“No,” AJ said savagely, tilting his head up. “No. You did what you had to do.”

“You don’t know the things I’ve done.” If he knew…

“Maybe. But I know you. I can see it in your eyes, the pain. I never stopped believing in you, not for a moment.” AJ brushed Rick’s lips with his own. “I’ll never stop believing. How could I?”

“You don’t know,” he whispered.

“I believe in you.” He pressed his cheek to Rick’s. “You’re my brother, my best friend, that’ll never change. You’re here with me, alive and whole.”

Rick laughed, tears coming to his eyes. He didn’t know, AJ didn’t know, but how could he argue with this love? How?

**********

Rick woke with a start, his body bathed in sweat, his breathing harsh in the quiet of the room. He rubbed his hands together, sure that he could feel blood, tacky on his hands.

“Nightmare?” AJ called from the darkness. He had decided to stay the night. Tommy was…entertaining.

“Yeah. Sorry that I woke you.”

“No problem.”

He heard the bed creak, then AJ lifted his blanket and crawled into bed. “Geez, twenty and still afraid of the dark.”

AJ laughed. “I was never afraid of the dark, big brother. I just slept with you so you wouldn’t be scared.

He smiled and wrapped his arms around AJ. Stupid kid. What would he do without him?

“What did you have a nightmare about?”

Rick shook his head. He couldn’t tell AJ, not now, maybe not ever. “I don’t remember.”

“Tell me.” AJ slid his hands up and down Rick’s back.

“Don’t.” Why couldn’t he understand that it hurt too much? He couldn’t, if he told AJ then he’d have to tell him everything, the dead kids…Billy Morrow. Billy, who was just eighteen, eighteen and blond and so much like AI that it hurt to look at him. Billy, how died in his arms because Rick couldn’t save him. Couldn’t… And his nightmares weren’t of Billy, but of AJ, cold and dead in his arms.

He grabbed the hem of AJ’s t-shirt and pulled it off. His skin was warm and smooth. Rick stroked his stomach and then his sides.

“Rick?” AJ’s breath hitched.

“It’s okay.” He bent his head and gave AJ’s nipple a lick. It peaked under his tongue. He sucked it and heard AJ’s muffled groan.

AJ clenched Rick’s hair. “Should we--should we be doing this?” he panted.

Rick lifted his head. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Nu-no.”

“I’m your brother.”

“I--I don’t care.” He jerked Rick’s head.

Rick nuzzled AJ’s other nipple then used his tongue to tease it into hardness.

AJ gave a breathless little sob. “Rick, please.”

He trailed kisses down AJ’s body until he came to the waistband of his sweatpants. In one swift movement he pulled them, and his underwear, off. He let his hand glide up AJ’s thighs; letting the soft little hairs tickle his palms. AJ was so sweet.

Rick kissed the tip of AJ’s penis and with his tongue traced the underside.

AJ hissed.

He looked up. The kid’s eyes were squeezed shut and he had the corner of a pillow shoved into his mouth. Rick smiled and bent his head again. With lips and tongue, he started at the base of the penis and worked his way up. AJ seemed to like it when he used the barest trace of teeth.

Then he engulfed it, working mouth and tongue so that when he moved his mouth away it was slick with his saliva.

He shucked out of his boxers and straddled AJ.

It was going to be difficult. With one hand he positioned the penis, the other he held over AJ’s mouth. As he pushed AJ into him he could feel the vibration of his muffled scream on the palm of his hand.

AJ clenched Rick’s hips so hard there would be bruises.

When the kid seemed calm enough Rick began to move, slowly. It wouldn’t do to wake Mom. AJ’s body strained against his, trying to change the rhythm, make it faster but Rick kept it slow, easy. He wanted to show AJ what it could be like with him, not the brutality, the anger, but the gentleness, the love.

AJ was hot in him and heat meant living, meant blood pumping, sweat pouring, breath panting from the mouth. Hot, AJ’s tongue was hot on his palm, licking, teeth biting.

He sped up the motion, shifting so that AJ hit the right spot. God, it was hot, molten, burning him from the inside, burning and melting and--

Ah, the kid grabbed his cock and pumped. Please, he wanted to scream, please don’t die pleasepleasepleaseplease. He gasped, feeling AJ’s heat spilling inside of him, his own, pulsing out.

AJ laid there for a moment, a stunned look on his face, then he twisted so they were both on their sides and Rick was pressed up against him.

He put his ear against AJ’s chest, listening to the racing heart. He could save this one, he could protect this one. AJ…

“You’re going to leave aren’t you? When the motorcycle’s fixed, I mean.” AJ stroked his hair.

“Yeah.” His chest ached with that knowledge but he needed to find himself. If he stayed, if he stayed AJ would consume his every moment.

“Yeah, I kind of figured.” He was silent for a moment and then he said, “I won’t let the nightmares hurt you.”

Rick felt the tears come to his eyes and instead of stopping them he let them come. “You never do.”

“I’m glad you’re back. I love you.” In the face of such conviction…

He pressed his mouth to AJ’s neck. “I believe you,” he said, “I believe you.”

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