Gimli sat on the rock, smoothing and rubbing his with exaggerated care.

Legolas looked up, watching him with interest, “You have a big one, Gimli.”

“I’ve always had a big one,” Gimli replied.

Legolas nodded. “It is bigger than any I have seen before.”

Gimli glowed. “I pride my self in my big boy.”

“And so you should,” Faramir put in. “I would be proud too, if mine was that big.”

Merry frowned. “But you don’t have one at all.”

“And I only have a small one,” Pippin added.

“It’s not so much the size that matters,” Gimli said. “It’s how you use it that really counts.”

“I always thought it was the size,” Aragorn admitted.

“No,” Gimli replied. “It’s the way you wield it, slipping in and out before they know what’s happening that really brings the surprise. A bigger one with no thrust behind it is as much use as a tiny one with plenty of muscle, but no will.”

“Indeed,” Aragorn added, looking down at his own.

Legolas laughed. “Yours has both, eh?”

Aragorn had the grace to blush slightly, humble, but nonetheless proud.

Gimli leaned in teasing, “He thinks.”

Aragorn shot him a half-hearted glare. “It is enough that I wield it for a lady.”

“What happens when a lady gets her hands on one?” Sam asked.

“It is difficult to pace yourself if a lady gets her hand on one. she always wants to rush you through the moves,” Aragorn told him.

Gimli nodded, “Aye, and all yours wants to do is sing.”

Gandalf snorted rudely. “Then you should keep all of them, large and small, well away from women. They were not born to wield them.”

Gimli cast a furtive glance at Legolas. “And let us not forget the sound of them coming together.”

Legolas snickered, a slight pinking rose from his collar. “They sing all the louder when they slide together,” he agreed.

Merry piped up, “Éowyn wields one well enough. . .” And then realized his words and slapped a hand over his mouth as the group stared at him.

“I never got to wield mine at all, for a lady or a man” Frodo said, taking the conversation away from his cousin.

Legolas stood. “I would be honoured if you would show me yours now, Master Frodo. Come on, let us see its size and I will gauge the thrust behind it.”

Frodo whipped it out proudly and smiled at the gasps from his kin. It stood erect in the firelight, almost glowing with anticipation.

“What a beauty,” Pippin sighed.

Merry smiled in awe. “With one like that it’s no small wonder the ladies don’t go for you, cousin.”

“It is certainly a fine one,” the elf smiled. “Now show me what you can do with it.” And Legolas pulled his out in full view.

“I would not want to hurt you, Legolas,” Frodo said, noting that his was bigger by several inches.

“He can take it, Frodo, lad,” Gimli said. “He’s taken mine, and mine’s a lot bigger.”

Both Legolas’ and Frodo’s certainly sang well, sliding back and forth and thrusting against each other for quite a while. They were both grunting and moaning with the effort, working up a sweat before they finally pulled apart with a laugh.

“You wield it well,” Legolas agreed, breathlessly.

Gimli was impressed. “Is not an easy thing, to get an elf out of breath.”

Aragorn nodded thoughtfully. “I would be worried if I chanced upon you in some dark corner, Frodo, I would be unable to get mine out in time.”

Gimli nodded. “You should never be caught without one. That would be disastrous.”

“A man without one is no man at all, but a woman . . .so the saying goes,” Faramir put in.

Merry said nothing for a moment, though the shade of his glowing face rivalled that of the firelight. “True, but some women have one too,” he said defensively. “Éowyn's skill was good enough to kill the Nazgul.”

“True,” several voices chorused.

Gimli rubbed his with loving care. “Mine was placed into my hand on the day of my birth, and it shall go with me to my grave,” he said.

Legolas reached out to smooth a hand up and down the shaft in Gimli’s hand, feeling the silken splendour of it. “You are right to be proud of it, Gimli. I have many an occasion to be glad of yours, it has saved me from death more times than I can count.”

“Aye.” Gimli suddenly smiled wickedly. “And saved you from boredom.”

Legolas turned pink again. “And will for many years to come,” he added hopefully.

“Let us put them away,” Aragorn rallied. “Although a lady loves a good sized one when men do battle to save her honour, the same said lady would be afraid for her virtue should it be wielded out of turn.”

As one that they all agreed and put away their swords and axes, saving them for another day.

El fin

Ok, so how many of you did NOT know what they were talking about? Dirty minded lot, snickers.

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