This story takes place just after the episode “Coda.” Standard disclaimers apply. Paramount owns all… I’m just playing with their toys. Said toys will be returned in better condition than when borrowed.

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A Moment of Reflection

By: Sariah

He’d almost lost her. Chakotay’s hands shook as he paused to take in that bit of knowledge. He hadn’t had time for the thought until he had her safely aboard ship. He’d pushed it back the first time, but now, after that sail on Lake George, after seeing her so vibrant and alive, it had occurred to him just how he would have felt if Kathryn had died. He’d almost lost her. He tried to calm himself down - at least he was off duty - but nothing was working.

He sought refuge in meditation, hoping that his spirit guide might be of some help to him. For some time, he stayed there, waiting for his guide, wishing for some advice, some calm, a way to handle these feelings that he knew Kathryn would not accept as part of their relationship. Then, in his vision, he saw her.

Captain Kathryn Janeway was concerned about her first officer. Chakotay had seemed distracted after their sail in the holodeck, almost as if there were something that he wanted to share with her, some fear or relief, but couldn’t bring himself to say it. She had sat and thought for a bit, then decided to go and make sure that Chakotay was all right. She had announced herself three times and verified that he was in his quarters, but there was no answer. Worried for Chakotay, she keyed open the door and stepped inside. The look on his face as she saw him sitting there on the floor reminded her of what she had seen while under the alien’s influence - Chakotay, pleading with her not to die; Chakotay, crying at her death. Crying, as though he’d lost something infinitely precious.

Kathryn.

This was his answer. Chakotay could do in his vision quest what he could never do in real life. Tell her about his relief, give thanks for her life, and let her know how much he treasured her and how much he would lose without her. “Kathryn,” he whispered. His eyes had misted over in sheer relief at seeing her alive, but he didn’t care. She was part of his vision, and she could see this without any harm coming to the relationship between him self and the real Kathryn Janeway. “I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you.”

Kathryn stood still in shock when she heard Chakotay whisper her name. He’d only used that tone once before, when telling her, on New Earth, the “legend” of the angry warrior. That same warrior had dedicated his life to seeing that the woman he loved - loved, why didn’t I realize it before - didn’t have to worry about anything more than absolutely necessary. She didn’t take more than a second to recover from the surprise of realizing that before she heard Chakotay whisper again, this time saying, “I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you.” His anguished eyes compelled her to move closer, kneeling beside him and lightly touching his cheek in comfort.

The Kathryn in his vision touched him, and Chakotay shuddered in relief. She was alive. Nothing else mattered, but how could he show her how he felt? He moved his hand up to cover hers, and brought her hand to his lips. He kissed every knuckle on that hand, then turned it over and kissed her palm. He could think of no other way to let her know how he felt, his voice too full of tears of joy to tell her outright.

Kathryn realized what Chakotay was trying to tell her, but wasn’t sure what to do about it. She wanted to back away - for the good of the ship - but it had been so long. With the exception of New Earth, it had been so long since she had felt cherished. She couldn’t move away now.

Chakotay drew the vision Kathryn closer. He didn’t want to kiss her yet, not yet - just hold her. He gathered her in his arms, there on the floor, held her as though he couldn’t bear to let her go. He had needed this, this reassurance…

…. And Kathryn knew it. She felt this need to know that she was alive and knew that part of that longing was his - but part of it was also hers. Held in his arms as she was, she knew that - despite her most depressing moments - she was valued on this ship, and without her, one very important person in her life, and on this ship, would never be the same. Chakotay had devoted everything to making their life comfortable for her - on New Earth and here. But he deserved to have that devotion and love returned, and Kathryn realized that she could do that. Or, to be more accurate, she didn’t have the strength to stop herself from doing that. Being held felt so good, and Chakotay…

… had suddenly realized that his vision state had faded, and that this was the real Kathryn Janeway, warm and alive in his arms. He paused, getting ready to draw from her, to keep his distance as they had agreed, knowing he had said what he had felt, and not quite knowing how to deal with it. Chakotay started to let her go, but Kathryn - the real Kathryn - held onto him. On the floor of his quarters, the light turned low, she held him where he could hear her heartbeat and know without doubt that she lived - and that she wasn’t about to let him go. The last thought in his mind as he drifted off to a restful sleep was a contented sigh - Kathryn.

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