Free Form Poems -- After the Fact

"Alone"

Sometimes,
often these days
I feel like I am totally,
utterly
alone.

I am alone in a room
filled with people
chatting
greeting
saying hi

I am alone
unloved
unwanted
by any
save maybe
my parents.

I am alone
in a world
were it is not
good to be
alone.

Some people look for solitude
cherich it.
I suppose I would too,
if I had not been alone
for 5 long years
unloved for at least as long.

Do you know what it is like
to be alone when there was
another living in the house?
Do you know what it is like
to be ignored for at least 5
long
years?

Do you know what it is like
to have a hug that you know
is empty,
lacking in love?
Do you know what it is like
to be totally,
utterly,
alone?

Do you know what it is like
to have been told
"I love you"
by someone who
didn't really?

Do you know what it is
to doubt that anyone
really,
truely
cares?

Do you know what it is like
to be insecure about
anyone's love
save your own mother
your own father?

Do you know what it is
to be
totally
utterly
alone?

"Tears"

I cry
tears
that match my mood
the emptiness
the loneliness
that I am feeling
at this moment
this instant
in time

Tears
like rain
fall
reflecting my soul
like a mirror
or a window
or even a puddle
in the rain

Some say tears
like rain
cleans the soul
if so
why do I still cry
after so many months?
why is there so much pain?
why am I not cleansed?

Tears run down my cheeks
like rivulets
reflecting my sadness
at loss
not so much of a person
but of what could have been
and of time,
of part of my life

I cry also for the part of me
that was lost
that was destroyed
damaged
by he who has no heart
no capacity to love
to really love.

Tears fall down my cheeks
now
as I type
matching my mood
reflecting my inner self
my sadness
my loneliness
my lack
my loss
my pain...

Tears
would that they did
indeed
cleans
my soul
so I could begin again...

"Time"

They say time heals
yet
it will have been
5 months in a few days...

They say time heals
yet
still I cry
I hurt

They say time heals
yet
I wonder
how much time before I heal?

"Fears"

I a full of fears
of always being alone
of loosing the few who love me
or loosing their love
it has happened before.

I am full of fears
of of having no one
of being ignored
of being rejected
of being betrayed
it has happened before.

I am full of fears
of never being able
to trust
to believe
to be secure
to get past the damage
that he has done
to my very soul.

"Frozen"

I am frozen
by my fears
my sadness
even my shyness

I am afraid
to ask
afraid to act
to move
I am frozen

Uncertainty too
keeps me in place
keeps me from exploring my options
from moving ahead
from acting
or from asking.

"I Try"

I try
to be strong
to be brave

I try
not to cry
not to be sad

I try
but sometimes
I fail

"I Need"

I need
to heal
to become whole again
to learn to trust again

I need
to be reassued
to be reminded
that someone cares,
that I am loved.

I need
to to be able to sleep normally
to not wake,
being unable to go back to sleep
because I think too much.

I need
to relearn
how to live
how to trust another
how to believe another

I need to undo
the damage he has done
to my heart
to my soul
to my life...

I need
all this
because I need
to begin again

"Choices"

Life is full of choices
some good
some bad

I have made some really poor ones
ones that cost 10 years of my life
ones that seemed good at the time
but turned out to cause great pain

I made the choice
to trust
even when that trust was betrayed

I made the choice to continue
despite the warning signs
in the beginning

I made the choice to not believe
the one truth I was told.
Had I believed
I could have avoided this pain

I made the choice to keep trying
when I was the only one trying,
the only one who cared
about a marriage that was failing

I chose to try up until the very day
that he broke my heart
shattered it, into tiny pieces
when he left me

Life is full of choices
and also consequences
Life is full of choices
and I am not the only one to choose

He also chose
Chose to pursue me
because of what he thought I was
not what I truely was

He chose to ignore
what made me me
and in the end, he chose
to ignore me too

Life is full of choices
some good
some bad

I cannot undo history
I must accept the consequences
of all of my choices
be they good
or bad

And I must
make more choices yet
and hope
that sometimes they will be good ones
that I will have learned from my mistakes