"There is True Art in Interpreting the World through the Minds of Imbeciles"

--Gomer the Greek, 2001 BC *                                                      .


* They had a problem back then, too, with the year 2000, even though they were counting the years backward; the only difference is that they not only didn't have computers but didn't know what year they were living in. If you appreciate stupid observations like this, then this page is for you; if not, try HEAVENSGATE.COM (if those folks left an endowment behind to maintain that web site). Update: that site is now gone, to flying saucer heaven, pity, but we will keep this here for the record.
Tour this Site

Bulletin Board


    

Lotto Number Picks plus Thoughts to Remember and Contemplate

CLICK HERE

Places to go from this site...
The Original Academy Page (amended lots of times as the programmer got more sophisticated at HTML coding and tried more and more fancy stuff just for the sake of it). This page addresses such issues as: Why do they sell hot dogs in packs of 10, but buns in packs of 8?
Grobius Index Fishe Index Grobnet Index Boitha Index
Planet Blenkinsop * Gerousle, the Game Dwarf's Tragedy Cartoons
* Blenkinsop now has a Home Page at Geocities. The Dark Ages: King Arthur and Others

Do you want a quick way into some Internet stuff? Click below

* ETAOIN SHRDLU *
Frames version

Here is something that is actually useful:
Metric Conversions

More subjects...
Platypus God Wounds Banana Book Public Transport Entertainment
WWW Sites Marshmount Castle Marshmount Folly Doctor Who Sump Man
Some outside sources in this vein...
The Dilbert Zone Worthless Web Pages Walter Miller Irving's Stupid Stuff
Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary 		Coolnerd
Web Page Options 		Harry Steven Keeler
Society Page 		The Bureau of
Missing Socks
Mutually beneficial links with other imbecilic sites: View list.
"It is a truth that a committee of imbeciles is more like to reach a consensus, in less time and with less argument, than any assemblage of men who call themselves well-informed and intelligent." -- Gomer the Greek

Additional Links from This Page

The Casebook of William Blackstone Wildman
Idiotic Detective Stories

Religion Sucks! Why Grobius is an Atheist
Atheism as a Belief

Some Observations about the British Empire after the loss of Hong Kong
Empress of Gibraltar

The Grobius Op-Ed Page
Items in the News (July '97)

This page is becoming very cluttered up as more things are added to it. Here is an alternative:

NEW: Hot News Buttons


This sort of thing is ephemeral. There is a special web page for items like this at Tripod, where they will be archived. Marv and Di will disappear from the Academy Hot News Buttons -- actually they already have -- as soon as the Monica and Bill pages are set up (if I ever bother). A list of old Hot News Items follows, since we never throw anything away at the Academy:

Princess Diana: What would she have looked like in 40 years?
Princess Diana: What was her Brooklyn connection?
Marv Albert: Trial Summarized in Four New York Post Headlines
Santa Clause Slain: He dissed my mom
They died on Snow: Farley, Kennedy, and Bono

Be Sure to Visit Our Sites in Great Britain

LEEK STAFFS BRANCH FLASH SUMMER SCHOOL
Constructive Dismantlement to Save the World
[This is an important new Web Site; important issues are raised]

New Items on the Fishenet

"Getting Rules" "Dumb Beams"

The Archbishop of Glasgow's "Monition of Cursing" against the Border Reivers

Campaign for the Defence of the Traditional Cathedral Choir
(not a joke -- this is just as endangered as the Spotted Owl)

Bart Simpson's Blackboard

An English-style Cryptic Crossword Puzzle (with answers & explanations)



[Note: this will only work on a Windows Desktop. Click here to download it.]

FESTUS McCOY

This man is like a Loose Cunanan. Scary, you know? Sends me e-mail threatening to transfer me FTP's of his grandfather's 2000-page mystery novel extravaganzas (and he apparently wrote several of them, which never found a publisher). So keep your shirt on, Festus. I will post your stupid short story, and here it is -- just stop bugging me:
Aggie MacHale's Lover

The Academy has now granted Festus his own web page on this site, called TRASHY WHITE DREAMS. See "I don't make Moonshine any more." We support academic freedom, not political correctness, and will not be browbeaten into doing otherwise. Cunanan is dead, long live Festus!

By the way, be sure to check out this excellent web page: Mobile Homes of Mississippi. They were too snobbish in that wonderful state to let Doug Kelley, as a Yankee, do plantations, so here is his revenge.

NEWS FLASH: CHANCERY COURT HAS UPHELD SETH GUICHARDO POTTLEBURY'S CLAIM TO MARSHMOUNT CASTLE! For more information on this breaking story, click here.

LEMEL and FLOORSWEEP

Can you decipher this clue?

   "--el 3 oz 5dwts
   --eep 9 1/2 oz"

The subject of jargon is undergoing major research at the Academy, and has serious philosophical repercussions vis-a-vis serendipity, scavenging, and stupidity -- analogies in the animal kingdom are the various creatures that eat shit. Humans are the only beings that can convince their fellows that beyond your having to eat it perforce, it tastes good too and is beneficial to your well-being whether you like it or not. The premise is that any jargon invented in the cause of baffling us normals with gobbledygook can be transformed into a meaning any one of us can understand -- language recycling, you could call it. See the prototype site at L&F. Fishe's 'The Jargon Basement Recycling Catalogue' is in preparation, and is now up and running to a great extent. (But as of March 1998 was deleted. In the meantime, amuse yourself with Douglas Adams's and John Lloyd's The Meaning of Liff.)

Recipes -- yes, this web site is also a cook book of sorts

Dum Di Di Do De Dum Dum (extra onions and hold the pickles). Use lots of hot sauce and cholesterol-free turkey meat*, but avoid salt at all costs -- that is guaranteed to give you a headache. Garlic should be used liberally in practically everything you eat (except for corn flakes).

* Click HERE for more information on turkeys and other stupid birds that let people eat them. If you are more interested in what hot sauces to use than the fate of these poor beasts that have the misfortune of not being red meat animals in this health-conscious age then click on what may be the most comprehensive hot sauce Web Page on the Internet -- plug, plug, and drink lots of water: HOT SAUCES

You might also want to visit my new web page Junk Food Delights.

Contact Information

Click this icon to send mail to Grobius.
Click this icon to send mail to Fishe.
Click this icon to submit a Form (which will be ignored, of course).

There is a brand new Quick Menu for the Grobius Shortling Site -- it is probably the ugliest menu you will ever see, but was done under our Arts and Imbecility Aegis, and it did not cost you taxpayers a penny
The Messy Menu

** The Academy Hot Desk is manned 24 hours a day, except on shorter ones **

"A pox upon't, ye cursed caitiff blatherskites!" We teach BUBONICS as a Second Language here at the Academy: We don't care what language you speak as long as you speak our language

Number of IMBECILES who have tried this page:

The Grobius and Fishe Academy of Arts and Imbecility has one of the most complete collections of pickled bird brains in the world; both Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan have willed us their brains, and we are looking forward to that so we can start our experiment:
'Can Science Clone a Smart Man from Mere Dull Gray Matter'Research Project (fondly called in shop CSCSMMDGM). We are looking for a better acronym: you are welcome to submit either a mnemonic or your brain, doesn't matter
It's tax deductible (to us anyway, since there is no capital value attached). The best entries in the name-this-project contest will be listed on this page -- sorry we can't display brain donations, but the Web does not support that technology yet. Please submit your entries on the form supplied above. If it's your brain you want to send us, please click on the "YES, MY BRAIN IS ENCLOSED" box, otherwise we might not know what to do with it. (But be sure to pack it in ice, and enclose a self-addressed, stamped return label so we can ship it back to you if it isn't needed. We use Federal Express and recommend you do the same -- UPS tends to hold back deliveries if no-one is there to receive them, and postal delays tend to be harmful to brain tissue.) We will NOT ACCEPT UNSOLICITED BRAINS unless they come with the SASE>. In most cases, you can't use that as an excuse for not going to work ("My brain is at the Academy") but if you click that button, we will provide a certificate: not quite as good as a Jury notice yet quite effective and official-looking, with the Platypus seal.

"Many now believe the seat of reason is in the brain. I know that the source of all wisdom resides in the heart. A person who is dead has no wisdom, and that is the proof of the matter." -- Gomer the Greek

Submissions for the Clone Project Name:

  • UMUMUM (Grobius)
  • OH_MANNN (Fishe)
  • WELLASISEEIT (Bob)
  • POSTPRANDIAL_SNACK (Hideaway)
  • AREYOUNUTS (Louis)
  • IMQUITTIN (Kirsten)
  • NOT_A_GAY_REPUBLICAN (Johnny)

These are pathetic -- come on, gang!
(I had to make these up. Submit something snappy, like BRAINPANS, or AIRHEADS, or REAGANAUTICS.)

Anybody who responds to this site with e-mail or a form will receive a copy of the BUB.GIF brain logo (which was free from DEBBIE'S graphic animation site). We would appreciate your adding this link to your Web Page if the site appealed to you:


"http//members.aol.com/grobius/academy.htm" The G&F Academy of Arts & Imbecility

Do you want a link to your web page on this site? Click here.

Bonus: The Alien Curse Generator

Another Bonus: The Profound Phrase Generator!

Grobius Shortling in Brooklyn

LISTINGS: Sites that Cite this Site are Cited here
Sturge's List of the Insane and Unusual
Please visit the entries in the Imbecile Web Page above in the table of mutually beneficial links, as this is very important to the CAUSE

Software to Download

Fonts: You might not have all the fonts for optimum viewing of web pages accessible from this site.
Sound Bytes: There is a handful of Fawlty Towers sound bytes on this site; you can have them if you want (they were free from AOL). But they are very large and will slow up the loading of your web page if you use them.
Browsers: We put the Netscape and Explorer Logos here although allowing free advertisements like this on a private web page is against our principles. You will certainly not be able to access these web pages unless you have Version 3 or later of one or the other (and even then some of the Javascript won't work, shame on them -- don't blame us)

Other good things
to have are:

 WinZip
HTML Pro 97 		GIF Construction
Paint Shop Pro

Take me out of here

Do you believe in Free Speech? Of course you do!
It doesn't cost anything to talk (although talk can cost you).

Time and Date

"

Web page copyright © 1997 Cthulhu & Nosferatu Inc.
"We Can Spin A Web For YOU!"

"http://www.nethernet.com/cthulhu/websnare.htm"



Note: If you are an AOL user, a lot of these pages won't work properly. They say they are using Microsoft Explorer as their browser, but they are lying in a sense -- they are using Version 2, which doesn't support much of anything except for basic web pages. Explorer is already up to Version 4, but everything on this web site is designed for Version 3.0, or actually for Netscape 3.1. Ain't it all a damned shame that they can't bury the hatchet and agree on mutual support in the original spirit of the World Wide Web protocol? The Academy is willing to put up $1 billion to stage a hockey game (if anyone will finance us) between Microsoft and Netscape, with Steve Case serving as the hockey puck. If you agree, send us a FORM (however, if you want to supply $1 billion, well, contact us directly -- we can work something out!).

AWARDS FOR THIS SITE (AND OTHER STUFF)

The Academy Award Page

Acknowledgements, Banners, and other Graphics

I am moving all future artwork to a new page. This one is getting too top-heavy to float in most browsers without capsizing. -- G.S. 5/98

BEGIN WEBSIDESTORY CODE - ALTERING THIS CODE WILL CAUSE TERMINATION OF ACCOUNT
[well, I must have changed something, because this doesn't work any more...]
CLICK HERE TO VISIT THE TOP 1000!

[must have done something naughty, because the WEBSIDESTORY account I had here got cancelled]
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The entire site is copyright © Grobius Shortling from 1996 on
Permission is granted, however, to right click anything you want off it.
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