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The Trashy White Dreams Home Page
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The Trashy White Dreams Home Page
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Hidy!
Always say hidy to folk you never saw before. Somethin' bat
that word makes people, specially Yankees when they tour on by and stop to
take a pitcher of your house (har, har, Millicent, look how primtive these hillbilly
chaps are, what they live in, how many broken washin' machines and jalopy cars
they got in the yard, look at that mangey dog--careful he's gone bite you, Wilbur)
well, a "hidy" set'm on they guard, right? Nice friendly greetin (and you see Wilbur
almost piss his pants when you say it), so they come right out and speak you all
this great bullshit, beautiful countryside y'all live in, guess you wont starve in the
winter, hey we get four foot of snow where we live, trade places with you any day
to get away from that. Yes'm I say. That a Mercedes you drivin'? Not a dent in it.
They Masschoosits plates? Don't see many a them, more usual Noo Yoke or Jersey.
Mind I look at y'all's engine? Well, they go away fast then, specially when granpa come
out on the porch with his shotgun (hey, he only cleanin' it, but how's they to know?).
Yuck, yuck, that makes our day. Pretty borin round here most times. That's why
we say Hidy (them Yankees think we said Howdy, but that's them Texicans who say
it that way).
ShineYou know that you got good 'shine when you shake the bottle and the suds go right away and there ain't no oil slick thing like the Windows Logo showin' on the surface when you hold it up to a flashlight.My dream? Well, I'd like to be able to buy it at the local K-Mart. Real hassle havin to drive off into the coves after midnight to get it, and they wont sell you more than a flagon at a time (somethin bat Fedral law bein less'n a fellony if less'n a gallon). BearsAre there bears in them thar hills? (And I mean bears, not bars, and I dont say it that way, I mean bars for bears, even if I am a hillbilly. Sound more like 'beers' the way I say it, and 'thar hills' is 'theer hails'. Harvard folk come down and record my accint on tape, was a real honor that.)Well, yes, there are bears. Not near as nasty as 'coons, though. My dream? Well, I'd like to see some of them bears run crazy in one of them condo places they shits from Chattanooga from the insurance companies and other carpetbaggers are puttin up all over our country. Country MusicThem Harvard folks also say some of the songs I sing on the Gittar come from the days of old Queen Bess, well I don't know, just bin around for a long time. What I sing ain't what Dolly Parton sings, but I dig that stuff too. (And she's got great tits.) You Northron folks never really heard what we sing private, and never will less'n its dressed up for y'all to what you 'spect to hair.My dream? Let me have a spot on Natianal Public Radio. I do a mean "Barbry Allen" Elvis-style. Y'all never heard the likes of this before. ReligionThere's Southern Baptists, and there's the rest. Most folk in these parts are one kind or other of Baptist. Then there's Methodist like my kinfolk. A few snooty Piscopals who claim they Old South aristos. Anythin else is foreign. Nigras is Baptist too but they got their own kind and don't mix much even now with us white folk, exceptin' maybe in big towns like Tullahoma. Way in the back coves is what Yankees call Primitive Baptists, they handle live poison snakes and brew up potions (not the kind I brew).You ain't in the above list, y'all are Heathen or Papist or worse. Me? I reckon I don't concern my self overmuch, so's you could count me amongst the Unredeemed destined to go to Hell. OK by me -- that's where my grandaddy and all my old dead buddies are. My dream? Like to be the one who catches Rev. Blowser drunk in bed with Miz Daisy Bell down to Hog's Hollow Farm. That's the old hypo-crit likes to damn me to Hell from his pulpit oncet a month. (Cause I wount give him a clergymans discount?) IncestDo we screw our sisters in the mountains? Hell no. Whatever gave you Yankees that idea? You beat the crap outa any trashy redneck touches your sister even if she already in the family way -- lessen he do her right. Have to say tho that ain't many marrigible girls in these parts that isn't related to you already, least on the cousin side.My dream? Well, I wount mind nailin that Madonna brat, teach her how to be a real mountain mom. Y'all know what I mean? Foreign TravelI ain't been tucked down in my little cove all the time like others I kin name. Been to Veet-nam (even got a kid there still, I think, must be like growed-up by now, but he wount fit in here, so just as well). Been to a couple of big cities like Louisville and Cincinnati -- ain't even countin Knoxville and Chattanooga. One time a Veet-nam buddy had me up to Callicoon Center in NY state for some fishen. Cain't say it was much different up there. Y'all just be careful not to mention jobs, politics, religion, or nigras. Also, them Yankees only drink that hogwash they call beer.My dream? If everyone chose to live in the mountains, we'd all get along a lot better, mindin' our own bidness. Ever notice how all the bad stuff happens in the lowlands? Floods, tornadoes, riots. Somethin abaht the thickness of the air. Also your coast and river places attrack all them foreigners and Commie-Liberals. Bring back Noah's Flood -- we all will outlive the rest of the world up here in our coves. FAQs (you think I'm too ignorant to know what that means? Ha!)
Quote of the day: "What's wrong with strip mining? Yeah, we lost our family farm we lived on since 1762, but brother Bob got a job for the first time in his life, workin for those damn Yankees. He is now a real estate salesman for those city folk in Knoxville who want to live in country condos, and -- yuk yuk -- them things are built on top of them spoil pits, got boatin lakes where the water is blue, from cyanide, not from sunshiney skies, but what do they know? Ain't no fishin' worth anythin, but Bob done set up some catfish farms in old waterin' ponds in places he bought up, so these city folk can pretend they really doin' it country style. Charge'm a passel to fish then direct them to his sister's fry shop up the road." I heard that Mammy Yokum and Snuffy Smith were bein evicted by Jewish Commie Condo landlords from Noo Yoke -- think it was that degenerate Rev. Blowser who said it (but I wount know cause I don't go to church). Besides, that can't be true since those people ain't any more real than Santy Claus. Do you want to submit any questions to Trashy White Dreams? Send E-mail to this address Here's a pitcher of my house that grandaddy left me! I still got all his books in it (that room over the porch). And that's my truck, 'Maybelene'. NOTES:
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