About Me
Somehow I thought this page would be easy. Not necessarily the layout, but the text content. Boy was I wrong. See, hopefully many people will eventually stumble across my website. And considering the fact I am using my sight to "advertise" myself for a job, well, the content of my personal info page becomes tricky.
I was going to put in anything and everything I felt like putting in. But some personal issues are best not publicized for all to see. Not that they are bad, but more like issues best brought up during a nice dinner with someone special, someone you care for and know you can share with. Well I guess that is my start.
So, what's my story? Here 'tis. I am 44 years old and single. Well, actually divorced. OK, twice. The first marriage was somewhat of a disaster, spawned from loneliness and shyness. Ex-1 was the first woman I dated, and that didn't happen until I was 19. Of course, I proposed quickly. Hey, best way to avoid that dating scene, isn't it? Anyways, the marriage lasted 12 years, most miserable, one or two OK. From this marriage, I have a daughter, Jennifer, who is now 18 and lives with her mom.
I started dating Ex-2 just prior to my separation from Ex-1. Ex-2 was actually the catalyst for me finally having the strength to call my marriage quits. And yes, I know, from one relationship right into another. Go figure. Anyways, I thought things with Ex-2 would be much different. And they were. I felt more alive, more vibrant, and more in love than I had been with Ex-1. But to not get into a long story (and for those of you that know me, know that I can do long stories very easily) we both had our emotional problems and baggage. After 7 years together, 5 in marriage, Ex-2 admitted she had cheated on me, several times, and asked for a divorce. I asked for her to come back. Yes, sometimes I am irrational. I just didn't want to be alone.
Well, I ended up alone. I tried the bar scene, twice. But it doesn't seem to work when you can't get up enough nerve to talk to someone. You just get drunk and, most likely, make a fool of yourself. And I did. I tried the personals, leaving messages with 3 or 4 "prospects." After about a month, one woman finally called back. That was Tena. We spent time together, although she never really considered any of those times a date and became good friends. Her biggest "flaw" was still having feelings for this jerk she used to date. I liked Tena, and wanted more of a relationship, but she only wanted friendship. That was OK with me. But we kinda drifted apart after she started dating someone.
So alone again. Chatting in AOL chat rooms. Meeting women online, and even striking up a long distance relationship with a woman in Colorado. And then along came Marta. She contacted me first, online. We quickly became good friends. She was going through a tough time with her (soon to be) ex-husband and I provided her with laughs and emotional support. We eventually met, and fell in love with each other. We spent a lot of time together, even though we lived about 70 miles apart.
Marta and her two wonderful, adorable children, eventually moved in with me. And for a while things were good. But I was unemployed at the time and having trouble finding work. Emotionally, I was falling apart, afraid I wouldn't find a job. Marta was the only thing keeping me together. Little did I know my emotionalism was something Marta couldn't handle. After 3 months, she moved back "home", but leaving me with the understanding we would continue our long distance love.
Three months later, Marta wrote me an e-mail, saying our relationship was over. I was devasated, crushed, hurt, lost. Not quite understanding everything behind her decision, I stumbled through the next few months. I had the help of some friends, especially a couple online friends. During this time, I had quite the opportunity to perform a self-assessment. I learned a lot about myself, more than I had ever through several years of therapy. My self-esteem improved, I became more confident in myself, and could perform tasks and feel totally satisfied in the final product.
So it has been over a year since Marta said goodbye. We tried to spark up a friendship, which was successful to an extent. But it was too difficult to see her without having overwhelming feelings. She was my one true love, someone who I felt totally comfortable with. And my heart aches knowing she has someone else she loves. But we still talk and hopefully our friendship and laughter will continue for a long time. I have had time to grieve my loss and wish I could move on.
Click on Nelly to read my story about her. She was my second greatest love after Marta. A wonderful Bulgarian woman, she was to be my wife, but for whatever reason, she decided to end not only our relationship but also all communication and even our friendship. I did a whole page about our relationship, with some wonderful graphics and pictures, but changed it slightly after she called it quits. That is why the story is not included here but as a link.
Why did I write all this stuff about myself. The only thing I can figure is that it is a form of sharing. A continuing form of self-therapy. I am sure I will re-write this page, someday. Now you may be wondering, why have relationships gone sour for me. Am I a bad person? Absolutely not. Am I a lousy lover? Wrong again. Other than getting involved with women who had their own emotional problems and baggage, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. And I have always felt it was necessary to help others, going to the extent where helping others was not beneficial to my own well being. And many times I have gotten little in return. Does that mean I will stop trying to be helpful and a good friend? Not at all. I will just have to learn how to recognize those who want help only for their own benefit, those that want to use me. There have been many and probably will be more in the future. I have seen in the past who my true friends were. And believe me, I can count them on the fingers of one hand.
Where do I go from here? Well I would like to get into another relationship. A good one. A true one. One that will finally last and forever be full of love and happiness. Although I am 44, I think about having at least one more child. I am a good dad and would like to experience a lot I missed with my daughter, because of the bad marriage I was in. I am a very considerate, caring, loving, friendly, funny, compassionate, passionate, sensitive, and warm person. Someday I will make the right woman a tremendous partner, soulmate, lover, friend.
I hope you enjoyed your visit. If you haven't already, please visit "My Likes" page. I write about my hobbies and things I enjoy and has links to relevant sites. :)