FACE IN THE MIRROR III
I joined a wav club in January 1996. This is a place where you can get sounds and music to use in the chat rooms. I loved them and really started getting some good ones through this exchange club. I would sent two and get maybe 100 in return.
UPDATE: On November 3rd, 1998 My ex-husband and I were remarried, and are currently back to almost having the wonderful, loving, caring relationship we had for 31 yrs before my illness began.
My illness remains fairly stable, with a few brief cycles into depression, and occassional mania.
I am happy and content and proud of the efforts and achievements I have been able to make here on the internet, esp. on my own homepages. <
I also went to prodigy again at that time. I got their 20 hour free thing and spent 40 minutes a night in one of their chat rooms. I became a regular and made some great on line friends. NO ONE came on to me and everyone protected me because I was a lady. Because almost all of us were in the same state we had chat-parties. I went to several of them too. My husband was not thrilled to go but he did.
These parties were drunken brawls really, but we had fun, or I did until one of the couples invited my husband and me into a threesome!
So much for chat parties.
Through this group I met several more great people. One in particular became a "best friend" and we chatted and e-mailed all of the time. He never made a pass or said anything out of the way. We talked about our kids and social situations and other interesting topics.
Ok, I was breaking my rule. But I had learned my lesson and it would NOT happen to me twice.
He traveled a lot so when he was on the road I would spend more time writing and I sent him some stories I had written. He loved them and so I continued to supply them to him for months.
I felt so close to him. He was someone special to me in his own way. I did not see anything wrong with this because I have always had more men friends than women ones.
By April the two of us had become a real cut-up pair. He would come to my chat room on Prodigy (he was from another state) using a variety of names and crack people up.
In May the bottom was to fall out of my life totally.
My friend sent me some beautiful, sensual Blues wavs and I loved them. I did not understand why he sent them to me because they were rather personal in nature and his reply was "I knew you would like them."
My days got really tricky at this time because my husband had been going out to work on a new piece of property we bought and for the first time I was alone a lot.
One day my friend asked it he could call me and in a really down moment I said sure. We talked for four hours. Where did the time go? I have no clue. We talked about so many things it was unreal. Politics, social issues, integration (he is black, I am white).
I did not feel total right about this and told him that. I told him never to get personal with me because I could not go there. I was married and I was happy.
He also thought he was in love with me.
Later he said no, it was love, but more as a wonderful friend.
It was too late. Emotionally I was feeling it and when we talked on the phone several more times I knew something was wrong inside of me, but now I was powerless to change whatever it was.
We never went over that line. By this I mean we never had cyber-sex or any of the other on line things that many do that meet someone they are close too.
We were friends and we did share a love that would remain alive through more hell than the average two people could.
I had a nervous breakdown. I developed Manic-depression. I lost three months of my life trying to get regulated on medications to help me to be in control of myself.
So ended the first year on line.
I did not know or realize the hell my husband was going through.
I could not see beyond my computer screen and the ob
session I had developed.
I did not know it at the time but during that three months my friend was staying back from me knowing I needed to be with my husband to get myself together. I chased him to the Internet and made him talk to me. I let him know over and over that he too was responsible for this situation and he felt guilty as hell about it too.
But, looking back, I was the married one. I should have seen it, I should have known and been able to walk away but I could not.
I should have known by now that this entire world I was in
was my down fall. That it was destroying me, my husband, my friend and maybe more people too.
If you are still reading this you are probably shaking your head and saying "THIS can never happen to me."
Well, I did too. I swore my logic was good.
You think the story ends here? Read on.
Did things get better? No.
In December AOL went to an unlimited pay program and I jumped on it. I was there, playing cards in their casino, making friends and chatting anywhere from 10-13 hours a day. My friend came there too, He had a different name now and no one knew it was he but I.
My husband would come to play in the evening once in a while and HE liked this guy, not knowing it was the same one from the spring before. (oh yes, he knew about him, had talked to him on the computer and on the phone about the problems our "friendship"
was creating in our marriage)
We never did anything together though. We were playing cards, having fun and kidding around. Rarely did we even IM each other and we never wrote to each other. I knew better (I knew it would be somewhere in the computer to be found..I had learned something). I knew when he would be gone though and when he would be on.
Those were usually the only times I left the computer too. I was so addicted (YES, I can use that word now and KNOW it is true) that I would not leave the computer to cook or eat (I lost down to 94 pounds from 120).
I was sleeping, maybe, 5 hours a night.
I stopped reading the paper, watching TV and going anywhere.
Why? Because THEY all took time away from the computer time and my friend(s).
I started a home page. I worked on it when I had "time"
I combed the net for things for the page. It grew. I spent more time working on it. I made changes to it and I added new things to it. I would use the time I should have been asleep to work on it.
I HAD to be there when my friend(s) were there. I did not want to miss anything.
Whenever possible we were in the casino playing cards (usually from 8am-midnight if we could)
My friend and I would meet at the table and learn how to play "real poker" before the others came in around 10am. We were the last to leave. We were the group leaders and everyone wanted to be with us at our table. I was honored.
My husband grew sullen and quiet and our married life fell apart. He begged me to go places with him. I would not. He wanted me to eat with him (he cooked) I could not. He asked for a couple hours of my time to watch a TV show or movie. I was not interested (would take me off the puter when my friends were there.)
By March 1997 he had about had it. He was drinking more. Not seriously, but enough that it bothered me. But then, why not? I was not "there" for him
In April I was lost to him and by May he had had it. He told me to chose between him and the computer. I chose the computer!!!
He filed for divorce and told me to take my computer and get out. I decided to go to my friends up North. I did not want to go anywhere where I could not have my computer time and friends when I wanted them.
I felt safe there. I was understood there. And I was never called an "addict".
I spent three months there. My husband wanted me to come back and try to work things out. The only thing he wanted was for me to give him the time he deserved and to make him number one again. He also wanted my friend out of our lives.
This caused a major problem because this friend and I had come through hell together, gotten over it, and bonded as brother and sister. How do you walk out on your brother forever?
I finally did. I knew my now ex-husband was right. I knew I had to do something positive if we were going to have a chance to ever get back together.
The night before I left my friend and I talked. We agreed to not have contact with each other. A couple times I tried and he refused. The once we did talk was because of something serous that had happened to a friend.
It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I did it.
I cannot tell you that life has returned to its pre computer ways. I am still addicted to my computer. I am still here 7-8 hours a day but now my man is number one and we have a life off of the computer. We have joined a social group and go out almost every night together. We have two nights a week at home for television too or just us.
He is helping me on my page making backgrounds and animated gifs. We are making a dedicated effort to regain our life together.
We are engaged. We have not set a date but someday we will remarry I think and we will know where we are in our heads too.
My Manic depression is something that I must deal with on a daily basis. I have days when I am depressed and cry more than on other days but I remember the past and I can almost smile now.
As for my friend? He is not in my life now. He will always be someone I remember because of what we went through together. He will always be my "friend".
I have heard through others that he has finally met someone
special and they will marry in August, 1999.
May God bless you both forever. I wish I could be there in person, but will be in spirit, my friend.
If you have been hurt on or by the internet plese visit
SOCIETY OF THE SILVER ROSE
LINKS to ADDITIONAL HELP & INFORMATION
On INTERNET ADDICITION DISORDER
Internet Addiciton page for Teens
Defination and symptoms of:
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