(LIVING WITH MANIC DEPRESSION)

Thank you JANE

One morning during the Summer of 1996 I woke up to a different me.
I had no clueas to who she was or where she came from.
All I knew then was that it was not the same me that had
crawled into bed the night before.
I have always been a hyper person,
running around like that chicken with its head cut off,
never quite finishing anything, before rushing
off to something else.

This was different. My brain was racing, it would not stop
and I could not control the things that were in it
not even for a moment.

I have no memory of that day.
The days that followed are fleeting memories of them.
I know I walked out of my house,
and ended up 400 miles from home that night.
I was terrified. I was alone and I had no idea what to do.

I called someone in my family and they came for me.
I went home and was seen by a psychiatrist as soon as she
could see me.

I walked in hell (the tears) for three months and lost
all of the hyper (giggles) that was me.
I was lost and did not know how to find my way home.

Slowly I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel,
and slower still I am beginning to understand this life
that is now mine.

I have a disease. It is genetic....Where did I get it?
And Why? It does not matter because this is MY disease and I
must live with it day by day.
My family must deal with it too.
This saddens me but I am not at fault. It happened.
I did not ask for it It was given to me for whatever
reason to contend with and I will.

I am currently on medications which are slowly
returning me to a more normal state and I realize and I
understand that as long as I continue to take these
medications that I shall be ok in this crazy world we live in.
I can giggle now without the tears.

I have friends...without them I would have given up all hope of
making it. They have shown love and understanding
through this entire ordeal.
And of course My husband, God bless HIM for holding me
when the pain and the saddness was so terrible I wanted
only to "die".

Yes, I like millions of others am Manic/depressive
and I too will make it. I am alive and I am as whole as I can get.

This page is dedicated to everyone that has walked this
path before me and who will follow behind me.
There are giggles and there are tears and there is life
ever after.

UPDATE SINCE THIS PAGE WAS BORN

11-27-97

Since this page began last March, much has happened in my life.
I am no longer sure that i can giggle.
I know I have the tears.
My marriage of 31+ years has ended (although we are really
trying to make another go of our once happy lives together)
and I now wonder "Why I am here". "what is my purpose?"
"Why can't I love myself?" So many "WHYS" and nowhere has
there been an answer clear to me.
I am pretty level"
on my medications, which means I do not go days with no
food and little sleep (I have actually gotten 8 hours at one
time) nor do I curl up in a ball and cry all of the time.
Sometimes I feel that I am a worthy, wonderful person.
At other times I feel totally useless and helpless.
But seeing what my ex-husband has to endure (and what
I in turn endure from his pain), What my two sons have
achieved in their young lives,
The smiles of my 10 year old
grand-daughter,
The birth of a new grand-son (11-10-97),
The never ending desire to write, create and soar keep me
alive and going.
This homepage has also been a salvation also.
I have never really thought of suicide as an option.
I KNOW I have too much life for that.
but somehow, now I feel that I am already dead (at least
inside)

I have several VERY special friends, and a hundred new "sisters" (((((HUGS)))))
that have kept me alive for this past year. I need not name you, for you all know who you are.

Is it really possible to have TWO soul mates at one time?
I do and you know how dear you both are to me, and I thank you
from my heart for NEVER turning away from me.
I know " You are not going anywhere", nor am I

NOVEMBER 3RD, 1998
  Today my ex-husband and I were remarried. 
We have picked up the pieces of our lives
 that broke with me and now are continuing 
along the unknown path of life. But now 
we are stronger and have more knowledge 
of my illness and what comes with it. 

DECEMBER 2000

   Over the past two years years I have
continued to improve my outlook on life,
myself, my future and my past.
   Gone are almost all of the tears and
panic of facing life. Oh, I do still have
down times, and manic times but they are
with-in "reason", not going to the extreme
in either direction.
   Our marriage is as stong as it was before
my illness, and we clebrate 35 yrs together
this moth (excluding our brief divorce time).
   We are now the proud grandparents of three.
Our only granddaughter is a beautiful young
lady of 13, and our handsome grandson's are
1 & 3.
   I look forward to tomorrow, and all of the
tomorrows that will follow it, knowing that
there is that chance that I will crash again
someday, but never allowing myself to dwell
on what may never happen.
   We will deal with it then if it does.

 



BETWEEN A GIGGLE AND A TEAR

a poem by (Dixie) bgd  4/97



Between a giggle and a tear
There is me.
Looking outward from within
What do I see?

Sometimes I see the Sunshine
Shinning bright 
And then there is the darkness
Even blacker than the night.

My mind races wildly
Between the two
Each a different place
Each a different view

But both being parts
Waiting to be set free
That are here, 
So deep inside of me.

Between the Bravery 
And the Fear
Is a whole me
Living here
Waiting in the wings
To be set free.

I am roaming in my mind
For this person
I 've yet to find.
Between the giggles
And the Tears
She waits for me.