The Last Word on ………………………Golf

Why golf? Someone once told me "don’t start golfing! It’s addictive." But in a world where addiction has come to be associated with horrible things such as drugs, abusive relationships, and pro wrestling, golf is a tame alternative. Whether you’re a twenty year veteran of the game or picking up a driver for the first time (on the golf course, not the interstate- although my aunt tells me that can be fun too), golf promises a great time. Here’s why...

The ball doesn’t move in golf. Think about that all of you baseball diehards next time you’re standing 60.6 feet from an angry Cuban throwing a ball five times bigger at your coconut. Of course, any golfer will tell you the fact that the ball doesn’t move is a curse. While in baseball you have a split second to decide whether to swing or not (much like "last call" at Magoo’s), golf gives you an eternity to think about how badly you are going to slice this ball into the sand trap fifty yards to your left. As a general rule, the better your stroke, the better your balls will play out. (Coincidentally, dad gave me the same advice on prom night).

You can drink while you golf. While basic sporting supplies like a baseball glove or hockey skates price in at hundreds of dollars, golf easily outfits the linkster with a cooler and case for under $37.90. Unfortunately, the more you drink, the more relaxed you become and your golf game actually improves--up to the point of intoxication-- when it quickly falls off again. For this reason a drinking man’s score card will resemble a graph of the male orgasm while the skilled golfer’s card more closely resembles that of the female orgasm… whatever that looks like.

Golf supplies you with a motorized cart. In today’s sports arena you need to be a mascot to get on the field with one of these puppies. Trust me, if you’re dressed properly for golf, you already look stupid enough. When my game gets anywhere near Tiger Woods, I may walk the course too, but for now I need the consolation of a six pack and a box of ho-hos waiting for me as I drive to the next demoralizing hole. Of course, the easy accessibility of booze, snack cakes and transportation is why so many amateur golfers look less like Tiger Woods and more like Redwoods.

Even the newest golfer gets his money’s worth…Remember the time you tried skiing and you were out 133 bucks for equipment rentals and new parka that resides in your closet in case you’re ever asked to sherpa the next Everest ascent? Well golf promises a much better return on investment. Case in point: the first time I golfed I shot a 156! Do the math people, at a modest forty bucks per round, I’m only spending 25 cents a hole. Tiger’s looking at three to four times that! Besides who cares who finishes in a fewer strokes. Any guy could say that about golf but it takes a real man to brag like this after leaving a massage parlor (and someday my Uncle Frank will get the respect he deserves).

Every golf course is different …and beautiful, unlike NASCAR which is not only boring and repetitive but also unrealistic. Driving in a constant oval is not true to life. If it were then we would all live on a huge circle in Jersey. If you want to make this "sport" realistic, let the driver’s wife ride shotgun—now he’s got a little more to focus on! Better yet, if you really want to appeal to the people who watch it, show guys in mobile homes trying to outrun an approaching tornado. I’d watch that over the Phillies--Marlins any day of the week. Learned golfers can give you the exact name of every tree and stream on the course as in "that’s the [expletive] tree that my ball bounced off of and went over into that [second expletive using the infinitive form] lake two weeks ago and made me shoot a [third and fourth expletive] nine!" Ahh, the beauty that golf has to offer.

Oh yeah, the ball washer is for golf balls. I’m still walking funny.

Golf is a simple game that is played with many people but only against yourself. Golf asks only that you respect the game, by respecting yourself and the people you share golf with. Golf asks that you not dwell on missed opportunities or future chances but simply that you put forth your best effort on the attempt that lay before you. And most importantly, golf asks you to be true to the game of golf. For golf allows you to cheat and will never say a word until you become so accustomed to it that you can’t even remember the true player you were and, when the truth is inevitably revealed, you will be painfully shocked.

Now go back and replace the word "golf" with "life." Enjoy golf…

xoxo
…-g

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