Police stress therapists deal with this all the time. Probably half of all police divorces involve sexual affairs. Police stress itself often occurs within police marriage and has little if anything to do with the job itself. Police stress is close to unavoidable with any married police officer who is engaging in an adulterous affair.

I wrote a commentary some time ago about what President Clinton and the rest of us could learn from the fired Surgeon General, (see What Pres. Clinton should have learned from his former Surgeon General) Dr. Joyclyn Elders. If you recall, she was fired for advocating that the topic of masturbation be addressed in school sexual education classes. In point of fact, as any psychotherapist or marriage counselor knows, adults are often abysmally ignorant about sex, and ways to resolve sexual problems within a marriage without jeopardizing the marriage. I think that sex ed. probably should be expanded and called marital education. President Clinton's crisis can be a lesson to us all. If police officers learn these lessons, police stress, and police marital stress, will be reduced.

President Clinton is the most visible example in history of a man risking ruin because of the way he acted on his sexual urges. According to the author of Presidential Sex: from the founding fathers to Bill Clinton, Wesley Hagood, fifteen american presidents had documented sexual affairs, including seven out of the last eight presidents. Lyndon Johnson is said to have bragged, probably out of egotistical ignorance, that he "had more women by accident than (John F.) Kennedy had on purpose". Far more men think about having sex outside of marriage than actually do it. At the extreme, I would venture an educated guess that many more pedophiles or woman haters fantasize about sex with children or rape than actually commit these deeds. Proof of this could be found by determining the numbers of men who access various forms of pornography, from the relatively benign to malignent child or sadistic pornography. Men who fantasize about, or commit crimes against children or women represent a horrid minority, but my point is that far more men don't act on fantasies and/or urges that can get them into trouble than do act on their proclivities and/or impulses.

As a police officer you know of instances where sexual behavior led to discipline or dismissal, or even incarceration, of fellow officers. Consider then how many cases a police stress therapist is aware of. Unfortunately, police officers often wait until their sexual behavior is discovered before seeing a police stress therapist or police marriage counselor. They often come in to the shrink's office reluctantly, feeling coerced, angry or embarrassed. Their spouses usually feel angry, betrayed and humiliated.

In virtually all cases, there was a period of time when the police officer, man or woman (but I believe men still have the unsavory statistical advantage), knew he was sexually unsatisfied in his marriage before he acted. Happily married men having spontaneous, truly and completely unplanned sexual adventures are more movie fantasy than reality. The fact is that men tend to be on the prowl for some time before they actually engage in sex outside of marriage. Police officers have skills that make them particularly adept at scoping out women, and the nature of the job brings them in contact with numerous women. Of course, we all know about police groupies.

So, here you are, police stress... marital stress... sexual stress... it doesn't matter what you call it. You meet a woman who wants to have sex with you. You're sexually frustrated in your marriage. What do you do?

I can tell you who not to emulate - our president. He's the perfect example of what not to do.

First of all, you wait. Have you tried to work things out with your wife? If not, that's obviously the first step. Tell her you aren't completely satisfied with your sexual relationship. Don't attack her. Bring the subject up in a loving way. Be cognizant of her feelings. Get a book on the subject, or look for solid marital sexual advice on the Internet together. Have her read this article. And most important, listen to her.

If you find yourself at an impasse, the next step is to find a therapist you're both comfortable with. This might be a police stress therapist, or a general therapist that comes highly recommended. Not all therapists are helpful, so don't just choose one blindly. That's asking for trouble and setting yourself up to be able to say "I tried marriage therapy and it failed." If your initial impressions of the therapist are negative, and not just because he or she is confronting you, seek another therapist.

At some point you may discover that change is occuring to slow for you, or that your wife and your sexual appetites are quite different and unlikely to change in the foreseeable future. You could try to put your urges on hold for the next twenty years until the aging process results in a balance between your desires and hers. But let's face it, most men won't do this. In therapy you should have been working on resolving any sexual inhibitions you or your wife might have so she can satisfy your sexual needs and take pleasure simply from the fact that she's pleasing you, without getting any physical gratification herself. Ideally, if your needs are more intense than hers, she should be able to accept that giving each other pleasure is part of a loving marital relationship, and that one way pleasure giving in sex is no different than her making you your favorite meal... a juicy rare steak while she has a salad.

The worst case may be that for whatever reason, things aren't changing and you still find yourself sexually frustrated. Here's where you have to make a choice that could mean the difference between continued marriage and employment and divorce, child support, living in a one room apartment and working in the car wash. You could have an affair. You could have one-night stands. You could avail yourself of the services of prostitutes. All of these activites may satisfy your sexual needs. They may also be exciting, after all, you may have become a cop because you like living of the edge sometimes. Part of maturation when you're married is realizing and accepting that the excitement of the courtship and the honeymoon phase of marriage doesn't last forever.

Or, if your smart, you'll do some heavy duty self-evaluation, and talk to your police stress counselor or police stress therapist if necessary. If you decide that you want to get a divorce after thinking it through thoroughly, it is best to separate before you begin an affair. If you decide you want to stay married, to be blunt, you'll have to do some growing up. You can't have everything. Stay married - no sexual relationships outside of marriage. Get divorced, be single - have affairs to your hearts content.

Back to President Clinton and Dr. Elders. Had he heeded her learned teachings about self-gratification, it certainly would have saved the country, and Hillary and Chelsea, a tremendous amount of grief. Don't tell me that the President of the United States doesn't have cable television with all the pay channels. He wouldn't even have to risk sending an aide to the video store for x-rated movies. (Having cyber-smart political foes, I doubt he'd want to access porn on the Internet unless he was sure nobody could discover this. Clarance Thomas survived the revelations about his interest in triple x material, but there's no assurance the president would.)

We'll never know how many presidents engaged in solitary autoerotic activity in the Oval Office. It's a tacky thought. I'd prefer our presidents have the good taste to use the residential quarters for such activity. Though if he craves a late night dalliance in the Oval Office, that seat of world power, who could blame him if he and Hillary... you get the idea. They say that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. (This is a link.)

Why should a police officer be any different than the president when it comes to something so basic? Just don't do a PeeWee Herman and break the law.

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