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I Am Not Old
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8 pm.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid....
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying
I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine
I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place
I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like....uh....
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind the green doors...
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days
I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP
I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 50?
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom
I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life
Do I have Alzheimer's? I don't remember. But, I'm happy, I think.
You Know Your're Getting Old When
People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while
you nap; to see if you're breathing.
You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages;
but can't remember WHY you wanted it.
You get to work before you discover;
you forgot to get dressed.
You reach the toilet;
you forgot what you wanted to do.
Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable;
under your armpits.
You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember
what you were talking about.
YOUR spare tire is larger than your car's.
You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned;
in favor of a living specimen.
Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.
You are declined as an organ donor;
you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional.
Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man."
Going to the bathroom at night used to require,
shoes, a candle and a corn cob.
The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit;
"The Evolution Of Man."
The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party;
in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.
George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday,
saying, "It's just you and me, kid."
Update: "Now it's just you, kid!"
The dictionary adds your picture;
under the definition of "octogenarian."
You had to get rid of your dog;
he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.
Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage.
You can't be tried by a jury of your peers;
because there are none.
Universities inquire about your donating your body to science
they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.
You try to donate to a sperm bank;
but they insist they require live specimens.
Everyone is happy to give you a ride;
because they don't want you behind the wheel.
Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.
Your bifocals need bifocals.
You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld;
because they may be too intense.
A passing funeral procession pauses;
to see if you need a lift.
You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you;
but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion.
Young girls feel safe in your presence;
knowing you couldn't possibly do anything.
Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.
Children often innocently ask you;
"What did people do before electricity?"
And you can't remember.
You can remember seeing double features;
for a nickel; sometimes with sound.
Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character,
Moses; since you were there.
You are often asked to give a personal account;
of the story of creation.
You often repeat things...
You often repeat things...
You often repeat things...
You discover the meaning of life,
but forgot to write it down.
You're not old UNLESS you can remember:
Being sent to the drugstore
to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
When Kool-Aid was the only other drink
for kids, other than milk and sodas.
When there were two types of sneakers
for boys.
When boys couldn't wear anything
but leather shoes to school.
When it took five minutes for the TV
to warm up.
When all your friends got their hair cut
at the kitchen table.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home
when the kids got there.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When a dime was a decent allowance,
and a quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter
for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed
until late high school, if then.
When your mom wore nylons
that came in two pieces.
When all your teachers
wore either neckties or
had their hair done, everyday.
When you got your windshield cleaned,
oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, for free, every time.
And you got trading stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses,
dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When any parent could discipline any kid,
or feed him, or use him to carry
groceries, and nobody, not even the kid,
thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege
to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids
back a grade if they failed--and did!
When being sent to the principal's office
was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited a misbehaving student at home.
When women were called,
"Mrs. John Smith,"
instead of their own name.
Hmmmmmmm!
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list
to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming
freshmen.
Here is this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
11. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
12. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are
pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new.
18. They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were one year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot imagine not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not singing groups.
42. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV.
Feel old yet?
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