Welcome to the Manchester United Home Page

...a virtual trip round Old Trafford.

"This is as close as I'll ever get"

Welcome, my brothers and sisters, to the Greatest Show on Earth. Join me as I whisk you round the cavernous recesses of Old Trafford. For most of you this will be the first time. I know how difficult it can be getting to Manchester from Berkshire, so join me now on my virtual Odyssey. We will see the stars together and burn the name of Manchester United across the heavens for all time. Forge on...

Some nice pix of our heroes

Bobby Charlton with his new rug
	Eric Cantona in national team colours
Ryan Giggs
	Our Secret Weapon revealed. PS: Don't click the link if you're under 5, or are offended by ginger pubes.

Let's go interactive -
Question Time:

Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: 540,001. » That's one to change it, » 40,000 to say they've been changing it for years, » and 500,000 to buy the replica kit. Ho Ho.

...That was REALLY unfair. Let's be more polite: Q: How many United fans does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Who cares, as long as the lightbulb is changed every 3 months, costs 30 quid and comes in a different colour. Ha Ha. That's a good one..

Finally, a conundrum (similar to a snare drum, but louder) Q: What do "Posh" Spice and a pig have in common ? A: Everything. Boom Boom !

Next, a Tribute to Andy Cole, the man with the Muscle Memory:

Highlights of Andy Cole's brilliant career

Er.. Ummm... Ahem.. Dum de dum.. "Unforgettable, that's what yoooou are" - (Sorry, that was his brother Nat "King" Cole) Etc.

Andy Cole is ill, so Lord Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Claudio Ranieri: Claudio: "Hello, Lord Alex, what are you doing here ?" Lord Alex: "I'm getting a bag of spuds for Andy Cole." Claudio: "Sounds like a fair swap to me !!" Arf Arf !

This Month's Prize Letter

"I've been supporting Man United for a couple of years now and I'm sick of people taking the piss out of us. In the past ten years I've supported Blackburn, Leeds, Arsenal and Liverpool, and I never had any stick when I supported them." Billy Bandwagon, London.

A funny joke that perpetuates the notion that Dave Beckham is thick:

David Beckham, Dwight Yorke and Roy Keane are having a five minute break toward the end of training one day when Keane tells the others he's noticed that Fergie slips away at least an hour before the end of every training each day. The group look around and notice that they are basically left without supervision, so collectively decide that the next day they too would slip off early once Fergie had left. The next day, after a gruelling session, the three stars watch as Fergie slips away a good hour before they are due to finish. As soon as Fergie's Bentley disappears out of the training ground Beckham, Yorke and Keane run into the changing rooms, get changed and speed off in their respective supercars. Dwight Yorke decides to go for an early slap-up meal, while Roy Keane decides to go to the bookies. Beckham, meanwhile, decides to go home for some quality family time. On entering the drawing room to his mansion, he peeps down the hall and is horrified to catch sight of Sir Alex giving Posh Spice 'a right good seeing-to'. Without saying a word or making a sound, Beckham quietly slips back out to his car and goes for a long, long drive. The next day the three players join up for the day's training. Dwight Yorke tells the others that he had had a fantastic slap-up meal and a rare early night with the missus, and that he felt really great. Roy Keane too says he had a great time, had won loads of money on the gee-gees and wanted to do the same thing again today. Beckham though, looks worried, and says 'No way lads, I nearly got caught by the manager last night ! Thanks to Mark Harrison for that one...

Now a section by our greatest ever striker, Eric Cantona

Excusez-moi, my name eez Ereec. Welcome chez-moi. Ah used to be a footballair before I took up ze acting. Some say zat I was a pretty good actair before, but zey are just jealouse. Ah 'ave "trawled" (geddit ?) ze "net" (geddit ??) to find some supair leenks pour vous to 'ave a boucher's at:

Eric's Diary

1996-1997 Season MONDAY: We've 'ad some ver' bad resoolts lately. We got ze good duffing at Galatasaray, zen we were narrowly beaten 6-1 by South'ampton. Ze boss, Mr. Fergie, say ze 0-5 at Newcastle was "tactics", and I 'ave to agree. It was ze tactic of not 'aving any tactics. Zat man is nearly as clevair as me. Now 'ee is doing 'ees bit for morale by walking around ze place wiz, 'ow you say, a mouth like a cat's arse. In retrospect, per'aps buying a box of Turkish Delight to cheer him up was a mistake... TUESDAY: I 'ope we can win a game soon, else all our merveilleux fans will be buying ze black and white tops and drinking zis facking broonale! Ha ha! Nevair mind, Ah weel make it all up when we visit Crystal Palace on Sunday. Ah can feel somesink special coming from ze boots of Eric Cantona.. WEDNESDAY: Zese armchair pundits like Andy bloody Gray and "Big Flaps" Lineker make me SEECK wiz their: "United 'ave no left-sided player and zat is why zey lose all ze time". What a load of MERDE - ze real reason is zat we've got no keeper. He is 'opeless. Even zis Vialli geezer put ze nutmeg between 'is legs. Zis schmuck Schmuckael eez a rassist. 'E say zat Vialli has got an 'ead like a penis. Zat is rich coming from ze biggest richard head in Manchestair. As Capitain, I must try to 'elp - I offer him one of my pommes frites on ze way 'ome from Southampton, but he say he cannot 'andle chips. He is, 'ow you say, not kidding ! THURSDAY: "..As for me, I am intact, and I don't care." Rimbaud said that in 'is poem "A Season in Hell". What INSIGHT ! What GENIUS ! I feel ze EXACT same way. Zis season HAS been hell. Only last night I 'ad a phone call from Bordeaux asking for my signature. I told zem don't be bloddy stuipid, Ah weel NEVAIR play en France again. "No, m'sieur", ze geezer says, "You 'aven't paid your bar bill." Tsk ! Zey can, 'ow you say' stick zeir bar bill where ze sun she do not shine, which is up zair ringpiece. FRIDAY: Heh heh ! some of the younger players are trying to pull, 'ow you say, my plonker. Zey try to kid me zat Rimbaud is being played by SYLVESTER STALLONE in a Film ! Sacre Bleu ! Do zey sink I'm bloddy STUPID ! "Mais oui," I told zem, "and I suppose Verlaine was played by Arnold Schwarzebloodynegger !" Tee hee ! Zey must learn. I may 'ave come over from France on ze banana boat, but I was NOT ze facking OARSMAN!

"For ze last and final time, MY NAME IS NOT OEDIPUS !!!"

Au revoir, mes braves.
See you in court !

Coming soon to this page:

"How I outwitted Chelsea by losing 5-0 and other tall stories" by Lord Alex Ferguson Directions to home games, sponsored by the Manchester A to Z Guide "How to Win Friends and Influence People - My World Cup Story" by David Beckham "Caught Short on The Hard Shoulder - Tall Stories Volume 2" by Lord Alex Ferguson The Salvador Dali Referee's Handbook (with surreal clock for Man U games)

And finally...