In II Samuel 3:2, the Bible says that Amnon was the son of Ahinoam of Jezreel and also David's firstborn son. II Samuel 3:3 says that Absalom was the third son of David, and his mother was Maacah. Tamar, according to II Samuel 13:1, was Absalom's sister, and II Samuel 13:3 identifies Jonadab as Amnon's cousin. A family conflict resulted because Amnon was sexually attracted to Tamar. He had originally said that he loved her, but those feelings quickly changed after he had forced her to have sex with him.

David bordered on having a dysfunctional family. He had set a bad example for his sons by having his affair with Bathsheba. If they had been looking to him for an example, then they would not have gotten a very good one. David was involved in multiple marriages, so he did not enjoy a symmetrical relationship in any of them. He had a marital schism because he was not in any healthy female relationships where the husband and wife supported each other. He also had a marital skew because he was obviously the dominant spouse. Finally, his family had multiple subsystems because of all his wives.

In the matter of Amnon, David was in a couple of double binds. He was forced to choose between showing loyalty to his firstborn son but also with doing the right thing about his firstborn the rapist. He had to deal with a rape that had been committed by his firstborn son, but he had to do this knowing that he was equally guilty of his own sexual indiscretion with Bathsheba. In the end, he simply chose to not do anything, and this probably sent all the wrong messages to his whole family. If his past with Bathsheba was keeping him from taking action, then this was an example of an operational mourning in his life. He had made a terrible mistake in the past, but he needed to let it go and get on with his life as a father and family man.

David apparently had a low regard for women. While that might have been part of his culture, he still seemed to think that women were his and his sons for the taking. As a father, he was willing to let one of his sons rape one of his own daughters, and that was a situation that would have made most dads go berserk. II Samuel 13:21 says that David was furious, but apparently, he was not upset enough to do anything. Another way to look at this situation is that David was more in love with Bathsheba, so he may not have concerned himself as much with the children of his other wives.

When Tamar came to Amnon's house, she was being tricked by her half-brother. He got her there on false pretenses so that he could have his way with her. Amnon put Tamar in a double bind because she was forced to choose between yielding to his sexual advances and doing the right thing. When she chose to do the right thing, she suffered the consequence of being raped.

Interestingly, II Samuel 13:13 suggests that Tamar would have been content to be with Amnon if their dad would have sanctioned it. Perhaps, she had had a thing for Amnon, too, and maybe, their mutual affection for each other had grown through the years as they were growing up beside each other. She had wanted to do the right thing, but the Bible does not indicate that she ever gave Amnon a flat NO! It may be that she could have set up a better boundary in their relationship so that Amnon would have been more inclined to keep his distance. Amnon had received bad counsel from his cousin, Jonadab, because his cousin had encouraged him to be deceptive, and he went along.

Whether intentional or not, Tamar was very naive. In II Samuel 13:9, when Amnon sent everyone from the room, she perhaps should have been more suspicious. But if she was, the Bible does not say so. Picking up on the earlier theme that they really liked each other, it is also possible that she had wanted to play along with him until things started going too far. If one were to continue with this hypothesis, then it could almost be argued that Amnon, Jonadab, and Tamar had cooked up this scheme among themselves so that Tamar could visit Amnon without presenting the wrong picture to anyone who might be watching. Maybe the three of them were really trying to be more subtle and clever than David had been with Bathsheba, but of course, the whole thing eventually got out of hand.

No one can possibly understand all the dynamics that were at play in this family. But what is clear is that David's bad example with Bathsheba and his poor fathering with these three kids cost him at least one son, Amnon, one daughter, Tamar, and eventually, another son, Absalom. When one reads about David's life after his sins with Bathsheba and Uriah, it is very clear that he paid quite a high price for his infidelity. He might have been a man after God's own heart, but he was not a great husband or a very good father.

				Tom of Bethany

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