Of which individual are you thinking when you consider giving gifts from the heart? My wife, Linda.

What are the benefits of your relationship with this person? Linda has been my companion, best friend, and partner through life for over thirty years. We have been parents, grandparents, and playmates in the game of life.

What specific gifts does he or she give you? Linda puts up with/accepts me. She listens, she shares, she forgives, and she supports my endeavors. She is also my constant travel companion.

Why don't you want to give gifts to him or her? I do want to give gifts to her.

What do you think would happen if you decide to give him or her these gifts? I think our relationship would be even better than it is now.

What do you think would happen if you decide not to give him or her these gifts? I do not intend to make that decision. She and I share everything, and we will share this exercise, too.

How do you feel about your response to the previous question? I do not like having to answer any of this first question because I was never undecided about my giving to her.

Name of individual you want to connect with. Linda, my wife.

List two opinions or feelings you want to share. I want Linda to know how much I love her and that I look forward to spending another thirty years with her, if the Lord wills.

Date by which you will share these statements: Today, February 1, 2001.

Name of the individual: Linda.

Belief, behavior, or habit: She often misplaces things, like keys, the checkbook, and her purse with credit cards in it.

List two verbal or nonverbal ways to give the gift of acceptance. I will learn to float, basically accept her habit and not be bothered by it. I can simply keep extra sets of keys. I can also have my own credit card so that I will not be greatly inconvenienced when she must cancel the one that she has just lost. I can express the thought that she try to be more careful.

Date by which you will give this gift: I gave this gift about ten years ago, but I still have to work on it from time to time.

Belief, behavior, or habit: I sometimes joke around too much and become callous of other people's feelings. I would never hurt anyone intentionally, but I sometimes do so unintentionally.

Do you agree to accept this for one week without evaluating or blaming yourself? Yes, I do.

What was this experience like for you? Muting the sound on a half-hour situational comedy was a strange experience. Because I could not hear the words, I paid a lot of attention to everyone's movements. I could tell when someone told a joke because people laughed, but of course, I did not know what the joke was. I was able to follow the story at a high level, but I could not understand any of the lower level stuff.

How did it feel to listen for feelings? I felt funny trying to actively listen to my wife when she was telling about the death of a close family friend. An elderly lady with Alzheimer's disease passed away early this morning, and Linda and I were talking about it this afternoon. I could tell by her nonverbal communication (her facial expression and the tone of her voice) that she was very sad. Through my eyes and my facial expression, I tried to communicate back to her my sadness over the loss, too. Then, I tried to reflect her nonverbal communication by telling her that I could see that she was pretty upset, too.

Did you notice any differences in your communications? Ordinarily, I would have expressed my sorrow the death of our friend. But today, I acknowledged to Linda what I could see she was feeling at the same time that I was telling her how I felt.

What was this process like for you? The process outlined in the book is very similar to some of the basic problem solving approaches in business. I have done these types of things before, so I did not feel anything special trying to do it on myself for this exercise.

What are some of the questions you used with loved ones? When we talked about the loss of our friend, I asked her how everything was making her feel. When we listened to several of the classroom lectures, particularly about coping mechanisms of a healthy marriage, I asked her what she thought about some of the things mentioned. She and I both came from unpleasant childhoods, so the lecture gave us a chance to ask questions of each other and explore how our marriage has survived for over thirty years. Our conclusion was that we were both committed to the Lord from the start.

How have these questions influenced or changed your conversations with others? Linda and I have always communicated well, so I cannot say that I felt any different than at any other time. The only difference this time, if anything at all, was that our talking seemed to me more like homework, so I actually enjoyed it a little less. This afternoon, she and I are going out, and we will not be doing homework when we talk. So, I think that those conversations will be a lot more natural.

How have these questions affected you and your relationships? I cannot say that they have affected me at all other than to say that I might be a little more aware than I used to be. I have always tried to be considerate, communicative, and eager to ask questions that draw other people out. Before, I just did those things in the normal course of conversation. Now, I might be more conscious of trying to draw people out, including Linda.

Name of the individual: Linda

Aspect 1: She and I can talk to each other about anything.

Aspect 2: She accepts my foolishness and forgives me when I make bad decisions.

Aspect 3: She trusts me, and I trust her.

Aspect 4: We have a symmetrical relationship where neither of us tries to be dominant. We are very supportive of each other and very caring for each other.

Aspect 5: Christ is first in our family.

Were you able to be enlarging for twenty-four hours? I usually do not have difficulty enlarging others or even in having an altruistic attitude about it. I understand that the good things we do for others in this life do not always come back to us right away. I even know that they sometimes take a very long time to come back, and of course, sometimes, they never do come back. In my opinion, one of the first rules for loving someone is to realize that they do not have to love you back. Furthermore, if you only love those who do love you back, then you probably do not love anyone. One of my favorite ways to enlarge Linda, and I have done so for years, is to tell her that her ministry is to little children and to the elderly. When she teaches a children's class or leads a children's choir, I can see the joy in the faces of every child. When she visits one of her elderly friends, I always enjoy watching the thrill that comes on their face. I have observed these things on many occasions for many years, and I often try to tell her this whenever I think she needs a boost.

If not, what percentage of the time were you successful? I have not had any problem enlarging others during these past twenty-four hours.

What was this experience like for you? I enjoy caring for everyone, even when they are not noticing. I am very fortunate, however, because most of the time, people recognize my sincerity. I have to confess that most people treat me very well even though my motivation for being kind to them has never been to get something back.

What was the conflict? Linda and I have been married for over thirty years, and we very, very rarely ever fight. I know her sensitive areas, and I try to stay away from them. My guess is that she does the same with me. Our last intense discussion was probably about five years ago, and it was over finances. We had reached the point that we could pay extra money on our mortgage, pay off a big credit card, or save some money. I wanted to save money, and she wanted to pay off the credit card. After debating the matter for several days, we decided to do some of all three. We were able to work through our conflict and find a good solution for each of us.

What were your feelings at the time? In our financial discussion, I felt that I needed to make her see my side. Most people pay off a credit card and then go right back into debt. However, if the money is saved, then you have the money and can use it at another time.

What was your response (fight, flight, flow)? I think we flowed through our conflict. We discussed the issue, but I do not think we fought. When the whole thing was over, neither of us owed the other an apology or flowers and candy. We also did not try to avoid the conflict. We dealt with all the issues in the most intelligent way that we knew.

What was the outcome? Eventually, I think we both decided that either course would be good, and by working through our conflict, we were able to do things that made both of us happy.

How could you have flowed with this conflict? I do not think we could have handled our conflict any better.

What is my usual conflict response style - fight, flight, flow? I am a non-aggressive person, so I rarely fight with anyone. Fighting and arguing usually means that someone has presumed themselves to be correct, and I usually do not feel that confident in my position. I realize that there are sometimes a lot of right ways to do something and that mine is only one more. However, I do not usually take flight from a conflict when it does occur unless I perceive that the particular issue cannot be resolved. But those situations are never with close acquaintances. If I am in a close relationship with someone, I try to work through any disagreements that we may have, and I think that this is what is meant by flowing. I am not uncomfortable with doing something someone else’s way.

How do you feel about my conflict response style? Linda and I have been together for a long time. In the past, she has sometimes gotten upset with my casual approach towards conflict. I tend to treat all problems as simple, and sometimes, she does not like that.

How might I improve my conflict resolution efforts? Linda and I discussed the SLACK method for resolving conflict, and she agreed with everything except "Ask". She told me that she would not want me to repeat everything back to her as though she were a kid, and I think I agree with her. My opinion is that you can show that you are listening and that you understand without replaying their every word. I also need to speak more softly and more slowly. Many times, she has said that it is not what I say but how I say it.

Describe the feedback you received and your response to it. I do not think that I have ever tried to repeat her words back to her. I also do not think that I speak less soft or more quickly than usual when we are in a disagreement. However, she is probably right, so I know that I should at least be aware of these things in my behavior during our next conflict situation. I will give it a try.

1. My grandson loved me by getting me one of my favorite foods.

2. My son-in-law loved me by fixing my 14-year old car.

3. My wife continually loves me by letting me be in the External Degree Program at Liberty University.

How do you feel about the impact these three individuals have made on your life? My family is my life.