THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM
Bearing The Mark of The
Beast Since 1666!
4/27 -
WIT MEMO TO RENO,
FATHER: RETURN ELIAN NOW!
to our tv sets
-and-
ADMIT IT: The Miami
family's press conference? YOU LAUGHED!
Hands down, the BIGGEST OUTRAGE of THE TAKING OF
ELIAN ONE-TWO-THREE was the disastrous advice of some kiddie shrink
on TV that ELIAN's media exposure should be "drastically curtailed,
as he returns to being a six year old boy."
How dare he! We want MORE Elian, now, right away, before another
commercial break goes by. It's too late for Elian to resume a child's reclusive
life, he's too far gone, we care too much, he's become too much a part
of the landscape to be snatched away from his REAL family, Mr. and
Ms. 27-Inch Color. It's as if JONBENET came back to life, to be
loved and treasured and gawked at for all time (if WIT MEMO had
a little girl today, we'd name her JONBENET GONZALEZ). Why should
the interests of one short cashier - Dad - trump the needs of all America?!?
Now that Elian is public property, the common good demands he be raised
on TV, like that guy in "THE TRUMAN SHOW," the LOUD FAMILY,
or best of all, LITTLE RICKY, whose birth made the "Lucy Goes to the Hospital" episode of "I LOVE LUCY"
the most-watched televison show of all time when it aired on January 19, 1953. THAT'S IT!!
With his good looks and winning smile, Elian would be a natural for a remake,
but WHO has the presence and panache to presume to assume the title
role of Lucy, the Feisty Redhead herself, one of the greatest comic personalities
ever? Surely not NERCY, JUAN MIGUEL's demure, almost
invisible wife, who is somehow attractive and mousy at the same time. No,
the only one with the moxy to pull it off is Elian's 21-year-old cousin
and supposed surrogate mother, MARISLEYSIS. With her flashing eyes,
bee-stung lips, gift of passionate speech, and her noted ability to turn
on the waterworks at will, she naturally grabs the camera and just refuses
to let go . . . her outrageous performance in the Miami family's press conference
Sunday was beyond masterful.
So WIT MEMO says, let FOX TV
obtain a court order forcing Marisleysis to join Elian, Juan Miguel and
family (perhaps in plural marriage with Juan Miguel), before the cameras
in the same New York brownstone still being seen in all corners of the
world in Lucy reruns, and let the sparks fly. And to round out the cast
and ensure humorous plot complications? What could be better than ol' FIDEL
CASTRO and JANET RENO, stopping by as FRED and ETHEL
MERTZ?
PLEASE . . . we're BEGGING . . . say we weren't the
only ones unable to keep from LAUGHING OUT LOUD during the Miami
family's Sunday "press conference" hosted by Senator BOB SMITH .
. . and not just because of bald-faced inaccuracies obvious to even casual
TV junkies like us. The interminable presentation was so over-the-top in
outlandish emotion that it recalled the mawkish best of vintage PTL
Club, or the twenty-third hour of the Labor Day Telethon back
when JERRY LEWIS was still popping pills. Sure, we don't want the
cops busting down OUR door, but if it ever happens, we hope we don't
come off like one of EUGENE LEVY's appearances as BOBBY BITTMAN
on SCTV's "THE SAMMY MAUDLIN SHOW."
Marisleysis of course was the clear star; for obvious reasons already
noted we're confident she'll find a home in television, and we hope her
fifteen minutes have barely begun. (By the way, the WIT
MEMO Award For "Person Most Envied and Pitied At The Same Time"
goes to the actress who gets to play Marisleysis in the TV movie: What
an unprecedented chance to chew the scenery, but at how great a risk of
paling in comparison to the gen-yoo-wine article, art never hoping to imitate
life?)
Marisleysis's best moment was her demand for a meeting with PRESIDENT
CLINTON. "I want to see President Clinton in front of me!" she insisted,
in those or very similar words.
Patience, my Surrogate Spitfire . . . you are not the first
hot-blooded young woman of passion who has dreamt of an assignation with
the virile, sexy President . . . Why, even Monica Lewinsky herself used
those same words when she was your age to voice her innermost desires.
So bide your time and gild your trap, as did she, and perhaps your desires
too will be fulfilled!
Picture that meeting: Alone in a darkened Oval Office, a furious Marisleysis
flies at President Clinton, and pummels his broad, manly chest with her
tiny fists before collapsing in a sobbing embrace, the large man comforting
the heaving young woman with skilled, solicitous caresses as her anger
gives way to burning desire, her hot tears lubricating their urgent, passionate
kisses.
Marisleysis provided some unintended yucks the previous day, during
her tearful "they trashed my room!" tour of the bedroom she shared with
Elian, when, hoping to display more damage, she turned to her dresser,
which, as it turned out, was cluttered with bottles, baskets, and other
little knickknacks likely to be found on a girl's dresser, none of which
appeared to have been disturbed in the slightest. "They . . . they . .
." Marisleysis repeated, her sobs tapering off as she gazed along with
the camera at the obviously undisturbed dresser, before comprehending what
she saw and turning away in search of better footage.
Closely rivaling Marisleysis in entertainment value was fisherman/rescuer
DONATO DALRYMPLE, and his blubbering declaration that he was "the
only man who rescued Elian from the sea," apparently forgetting his cousin
and fellow rescuer SAM CIANCIO. We haven't heard much from Ciancio
since he came out in favor of reuniting Elian with his father, and now
he's been written out of the rescue lore altogether, whereas Donato went
on to achieve immortality clutching Elian in that infamous machine gun
photo.
Many have asked, just what was Donato, neither a relative nor a member
of the Cuban exile community, doing with young Elian in that closet at
five in the morning? (Thanks to WIT MEMO
reader ELIZABETH B in DC for proposing the caption, "Fisherman
comes out of the closet, brings little boy with him.") And, why had
Donato gotten into the habit of daily abandoning his own home to spend
hours in the Gonzalez house, unlike fellow rescuer Ciancio? The answer
becomes clear once we take a look at the fiery young woman so close at
hand during those months, Marisleysis.
Ah, Donato! During those long, tense weeks in the steamy
Miami air, could you have been unaware of the beautiful young flower blossoming
so close to you, beneath the hothouse lights of the television cameras?
How the two of you must have been stirred and brought together by the shared
anxiety of not knowing when the dreaded moment would come, how you must
have longed to see those fiery eyes burning with desire instead of anger,
to see those full, soft lips quivering in passion instead of worry, to
feel them locked against your own! And now that her surrogate son has been
spirited away from her, now that she aches from her loss . . . and now
that she no longer shares her bedroom with a six-year-old boy, how you
must believe that the time is right for you to step forward to comfort
Marisleysis, to finally speak to her of the desires that have throbbed
within you for so long, to fill up her womb that now contracts like a empty
stomach!
But that can never happen, because let's face it, Donato,
you are not much of a man! Sobbing on the television, just like a woman!
Cowering like a scared rabbit in the closet with the boy, huddling frightened
among the clothes, again, just like a woman! Shielding yourself from the
federal guns with little Elian's frail body . . . what kind of man is it
anyway who late at night skulks in closets with little boys? Ah, Donato,
you cowardly flamingo! The federal agent comes into the room and he is
not much bigger than you and you know he dares
not use his gun so long as you are unarmed and holding the boy and the photographer
from the Associated Press is there, and instead of standing and fighting proudly as
the man you led poor Lazaro and Marisleysis to believe they could trust,
you instantly surrendered the terrified lad and then collapsed weeping,
just like the girlfriend of Janet Reno that the whole world now knows you
to be! What chance can you now think you have with proud Marisleysis after
your shameful display, after you disgraced yourself by behaving just like
. . . just like . . . just like a woman! Forget about Lyle Lovett or Mickey
Rourke; for you, in the TV movie, I'm afraid it must be PAULY SHORE!
And finally, Elian's great uncle Lazaro, him of manly aspect, was the sad
victim of a translator's apparent error that had him complaining about
the way a federal agent brandished his "semiotic weapon." Meaning what,
a thesaurus? A penis? Help us out here, WIT MEMO
is woefully ill informed in the analytical doublespeak enjoying currency
in college classrooms. But was it also a translator's error that caused
Lazaro to once refer to Elian (we could swear) as "an orphan?"
And as for New Hampshire Senator and two-minute GOP candidate Bob Smith's
demand for a "full explanation?" Senator, now why don't YOU just
give US a full explanation of your truly mammoth COMB OVER? What
ELSE do you think you're hiding?!?
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