Xena: Warrior Detective
by L. Fox
All the Action Pack characters (and you know who they are) are the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. The characters Joe Friday and Kojak obviously belong to somebody, but I have no idea who. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this, ah, ahem, "story." Any resemblance to actual Maltese falcons, whether living or fictionalized, is purely coincidental.
Cast:
(Opening scene. A shot of a
shingle above a door which reads,
"Fly By Night Detective Agency, We give green
stamps.")
(Cut to Xena, sitting at desk sharpening her sword. Gabrielle knocks on door and enters.)
Gabrielle: There's somebody here to see ya.
Xena: Oh, goody. Is it a client?
Gabrielle: Beats me. But you'll want to see her anyway. She's bitchin'.
Xena: Well show her in, Precious.
(Gabrielle goes to door and waves Callisto in.)
Xena: Good mornin', shhweetheart. How can I help ya?
Callisto: I need a dick real bad. I just arrived in Athens and when I asked the local chapter of the Evil Blonde's Association if they could direct me to one they mentioned you.
Autolycus: Well, actually, I think that would be me.
Xena: Ahh, miss...
Callisto: Callisto.
Xena: Miss Callisto, this is Autolycus my ahh, partner.
Autolycus (Leering.): So what's this about you needing a dick? (Note: Before we go any farther, let it be understood that the word "dick" as used here is a now largely archaic term for detective. So don't be gettin' any ideas.)
Callisto: I'm looking for something.
Xena: And what would that be?
Callisto: Stardom.
Autolycus: You and about a hundred million others.
Xena (Glaring at Autolycus.): Please, Miss, go on.
Callisto: I'm tired of being cooped up in a little box. Television is a horrible waste of my "assets." (She leaps to her feet and spreads her arms.) I deserve to be seen in Panavision!
Xena: Well I don't want to sound like the voice of doom, Miss, but bein' a star is tough. You gotta have talent.
Callisto: I got talent. How else could I play an angel one week and a she-devil the next?
Autolycus: She's gotcha there.
Xena: There's any number of ways to become a star, Miss Callisto. For instance you could go down to Hollywood and Vine and hope to be discovered. You could pose for Dionysian Monthly or you could...
Autolycus: Dump your husband for an executive producer?
Xena: Hey!
(At this point a yellow rag floats to the floor.)
Referee: Personal foul! Hitting below the belt. Fifteen yards. First down!
Xena: N'yah!
Autolycus: Sorry 'bout that.
Xena: We'll see what we can do, Miss.
Autolycus: Yeah. I'll see to it personally.
Callisto (Pulls out big bag of dinars and hands it to Xena.): Will this be enough?
(Xena nods. Callisto rises to leave.)
Xena: Hey, Miss.
Callisto: Yes?
Xena (Reaching into drawer.): Don't forget your green stamps.
(Scene II. A leering Autolycus gets plugged with an arrow to the chest.)
Autolycus (Looking down at chest.): Of course you know this takes you off our Winter Solstice card list.
(He collapses in alley.)
Director: Okay, slice! Auto, baby you were simply mahvalous.
Autolycus: That's cut. (Mumbles to self.) It's not bad enough that I get bumped off in the second scene. It's not bad enough that I'm only getting scale for this gig. No, they gotta stick me with a schmuck director that doesn't know a camera mark from a post mark.
(Scene III. Xena, Joe Friday and Kojak are standing over the body of Autolycus.)
Xena: So, how was he killed?
Friday: One .38 caliber arrow in the old pump.
Xena: Too bad.
Friday: You wanna have a look at him?
Xena: Nah. If you've seen one stiff you've seen 'em all.
Kojak: Mumph. Waar wuh yew rarier nite?
Xena: What?
Friday: Take that damn Blow-Pop out of your mouth, skinhead.
Kojak: Actually, Mr. Personality, it's a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Friday: Whatever.
Kojak: Okay, Xena, where were you earlier tonight?
Xena: I was with a friend.
Kojak: Can you prove that?
Xena: Say, what is this? You mugs tryin' to be cute or what.
Friday: Isn't it true Autolycus was penalized fifteen yards today for a low blow against you?
Xena: Yeah, but...
Kojak: Isn't it true you knew he was gonna be here tonight?
Xena: Yeah, but...
Friday: Isn't it true your hair is not actually black but to quote your own words, "A mousy brown color?"
Xena: I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might kill my career.
Kojak: I don't blame ya. Two murders in one day is a bit much. Even for a Warrior Detective.
Xena: Sunday...
Friday: It's Friday.
Kojak: You're both wrong. Today is Tuesday.
Xena: So whaddaya you guys wanna know from me anyway?
Friday: Just the facts, ma'am.©
Kojak: Who loves ya, baby?©
Xena: You guys are nuts! If you're gonna charge me with something then take me downtown, otherwise get the Tartarus out of my way!
(Scene IV. Xena returns to her office only to find Gabrielle working out on her Abdominizer.)
Xena: Hey shhweeheart. If I've told you once I've told you once--sweat on your own time. Besides it doesn't look good for the second banana to have a better bod than the star.
Gabrielle: It's...(Grunt.)...not my fault you can't...(Oof.)...lay off the groceries.
Xena (Smirking.): Just remember this, Kid. You can work on that thing from now until Rob wins an Academy Award for best picture and you'll still not gonna have gams like mine. Now, any messages for me?
(Gabrielle stops working out and begins to lovingly trail her hands over her abs.)
Xena: Gabrielle. GABRIELLE!
Gabrielle: Huh?
Xena: Damn it, Kid, snap out of it.
Gabrielle: Ohh, umm, sorry. Now...you were saying?
Xena: I said did I get any messages?
Gabrielle: Yeah uh, Hercules called.
Xena (Eyes rolling.): What did he want?
Gabrielle: He said he heard about Autolycus getting bumped off and he was wondering if you were looking for another partner.
Xena: Not on your life. He couldn't detect a shark in a bathtub.
(Xena goes into her office and closes the door. She then begins to practice for her next theater role--"Cats!")
Xena: Meow. Mew. Meeooooow! Purrrrr. Ssssssssss. Meow. Cough! Cough. Gag! Choke! Damn! I'm gonna have to work on coughing up that fur ball.
(Gabrielle knocks on door.)
Xena: Meoww--I mean, come in.
Gabrielle: Catwoman, somebody's here to see you.
Xena: Show 'em in, smart ass, and remind me to significantly reduce the amount of your Winter Solstice bonus.
Gabrielle: Sheesh! What a grouch. Wassamatter anyway? Is it that...?
Xena (Holding up hand.): Don't even say it, Precious. That crack is as old as Methuselah.
Gabrielle (Wrinkles nose.): Who's he? Another one of your victims?
Xena: Skip it. Now what was it you came in for again?
Gabrielle: Ummm...(Checks script.)...Oh yeah. Mr. Damascus, you can go in now.
(Xena stands and shakes the clammy hand of one Joel Damascus, effite wimp extraordinaire.)
Xena (Wiping hand off on her breast plate.): So, Mr. Damascus, what can I do for you?
Damascus: You must misunderstand, Mistress Xena...
Xena: Ahh no--it's Xena: Warrior Princess©
Damascus (Looking incredulously at Xena's boots and leathers.): Oh. How unfortunate.
Xena (To herself.): Oh no, not another one of those kooks. (To Damascus): Just get on with it, will ya?
Damascus: As you wish. I am in the need of the services of a good detective. As I am new in town I went to the local chapter of the Shady Characters Association and asked for a referral. They named you.
Xena (Rubbing hands.): Hot damn! If this keeps up I'll have enough money to hire better writers.
Damascus: Miss Xena, there was a woman in here earlier today to see you--no?
Xena: Maybe, maybe not.
Damascus: Did she give you the bird?
Xena: Listen, bub, nobody gives me the bird without gettin' a knuckle sandwich.
Damascus: I beg your pardon. You misunderstand me. I don't mean that kind of bird. I mean a real bird, or rather a statue of one.
Xena (Interest rising.): What kind of statue is it, shhweetheart?
Damascus: It is known as the Phoenician Buzzard. Surely you have heard of it.
Xena: Can't say that I have, muscles. And stop calling me Shirley.
Damascus (Whips out teeny tiny dagger and points it at Xena.): Please place your arms to the back of your neck. I must search your office.
Xena: You mean...(hee hee)...you think you can...(snort)...hurt me with...(haw haw haw)...that? (She falls to the floor in uncontrollable laughter. Damascus eyes her curiously, shrugs, and proceeds to search her office. Finding nothing, he leaves.)
Xena: Hoo hoo.What a gas! That little twerp...that little...ha ha ha ha. Oh boy, that was a hoot!
Gabrielle (Knocks on door and enters.): What in the name of Humphrey Bogart is going on here?
Xena: That little guy...Ahhhahahahahaha...
(Gabrielle shakes her head and closes door.)
Gabrielle: I knew it. I knew if she ever finally laughed she'd bust a stitch.
(From inside Xena's loud guffaws can still be heard.)
(Scene V. As a result of her little outburst Xena has been forced to change her black undies. She is just finishing up when...)
Xena: It's a good thing I always keep a spare.
(Gabby knocks on door.)
Xena: Now what?
Gabrielle: Some strange man just brought me this message for you.
Xena: Whaddaya mean...strange?
Gabrielle: Jeepers, I dunno. He just looked kinda looney.
Xena: Oh now that's a big help, shhweetheart. Everybody that's come through that door today, including you, has been about three bricks shy of a load.
Gabrielle: I wonder if I can break my contract.
Xena: Not a chance, Kid. Remember I got pull with the executive producer.
Gabrielle: How could I forget?
Xena (Looks at hourglass strapped to wrist.): G'wan home, Precious. Overtime hasn't been invented yet.
Gabrielle: Nah, I think I'll stick around. You never know somebody might drop in.
(Scene VI. As Our heroine is walking through the agora she is joined by a menacing(?) shadowy figure--okay make that stumbling figure. After all, it is Joxer.)
Joxer: Xeenna!
Xena: Howdy doody, Joxer. What are you doing here?
Joxer: I've been hired by the Fat Guy to be his ah, enforcer.
Xena: Youuu
Joxer: Yeah, me.
Author: To save time we will discreetly slip past yet another uncontrollable fit of laughter by the Warrior Princess©. Suffice it to say she has no spare undies with her.
(Scene VII. Xena and Joxer are standing in front of the Fat Guy's door.)
Xena: So uh, what do you know about this bird, Joxer?
Joxer: Well, I...
(Suddenly Xena reaches out and pulls down Joxer's pants.)
Xena: This ought to put you in solid with your boss.
Joxer: Gee, Xena, I always knew you had the hots for me but, really!
Xena: Get inside, stupid.
(Joxer waddles into the room followed by Xena. On the other side of the room sits the Fat Guy.)
Fat Guy: Well, well, well. This must be the notorious Xena. I've heard so much about you.
Xena: Nothin' good, I hope.
Fat Guy (Insincere jovial laugh.): On the contrary, they say you are a rascal of the first rank. (Looks at Joxer.) From what I see they are correct in their assessment. Wilbur--I mean, Joxer! Pull your pants up, boy.
Joxer (Whining.): Darn it, Xena, didja have to make look so stupid my first day on the job?
Xena: You don't need me to make you look stupid, shhweetheart. You're quite capable of doing that yourself.
Fat Guy: Xena, if I may be so bold as to suggest we, how do you say, cut to the quick?
Xena (Sitting down.): Let's.
Fat Guy: By gadfry, I like a girl that doesn't mince words. You have the bird, do you not?
Xena: Ahh no. But I know where to get it.
Fat Guy: Would I be wrong in saying Callisto has it?
Xena: Whadday think I am, a sap?
Fat Guy: Did she tell you how much it's worth?
Xena: Maybe.
Fat Guy: What would you say if I told you...(He leans close to her and whispers.) $1.39.
Xena (Whistles softly.)
Fat Guy: That's the minimun, you understand. Out in Hollywood I dare say it might go as high as a $1.50. I'm willing to cut in for half, Xena. That's fifty whole cents.
Xena (Furrows brow and counts on fingers.): Hey wait a minute! You trying to pull a fast one on me? 'Cause it you are I might...
Fat Guy (Another insincere laugh.): By gadfry, You are incorrigible. I knew I couldn't trick you. All right, we'll make it sixty cents then.
Xena: That's better.
Fat Guy: Splendid! I suggest to seal our new partnership he have a drink. Joxer, the grog please.
(Joxer brings the booze in on a tray and sets it down. He then leaves. Xena knows her grog contains whatever the Greek equivalent of a Mickey Finn is.)
Xena (Pointing.): Say, look over there. Isn't that Mary Astor?
(As the Fat Guy turns to look over his shoulder Xena switches the drinks.)
Xena: Oopsie, sorry. My mistake.
Fat Guy: By gadfry, I did so want to get her autograph.
(Xena and the Fat Guy both down their grog in one huge gulp. They quickly bend down face to face, each grinning evilly.)
Xena (Breaking into a cold sweat.): Uh oooh. I should have known Joxer would screw it up. Clunk! (Xena passes out.)
Fat Guy: Wilbur--I mean, Joxer! Let us pay a visit to Miss Callisto.
(Scene VIII. Xena staggers into her office.)
Gabrielle: Xena! Have you been in the sauce again?
Xena: Stow it, shhweetheart.
(Suddenly there's a knock at the door. Gabby opens it and a large figure stumbles in clutching a bundle in both hands.)
Gabrielle: Why it's Captain Cecrops!
Cecrops: Arrrrggghhhh! (He politely hands bundle to Xena and then falls face first on the floor. In his back the girls see two knives, a Horde war hatchet, an arrow, and a partridge in a pear tree.)
Gabrielle: I had a feeling somebody would drop in.
Xena: For the love of Zeus. Doesn't anybody observe normal working hours anymore?
Gabrielle (Pointing to bundle.): Oh m'gosh! Xena is that...?
Xena: It ain't this month's issue of "Warrior Babes," shhweetheart.
The End
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