The Amazon Queen's New Clothes
by Phil Hernández
Disclaimer:
No bilious green sports bras or cloth skirts were
harmed in the writing of this story. I blame my brother Frank for
giving me the idea of the Amazon Fashion Police.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer,
Solari and all other characters who have appeared in the series,
together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole
copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No
infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the
writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by
Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the
story idea. The characters of Philippis and Lysis are his own
creations. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any
way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and
must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer/Ted Raimi,
your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the
author at broadway@tvi.cc.nm.us.
GENRES:
Xena: Warrior Princess, parody.
VIOLENCE: Gabrielle is seized
by her subjects. No fighting.
SEX: None.
LANGUAGE: Squeaky clean.
RATING: PG-13.
SUBTEXT: Not from this
keyboard.
SPOILERS: None.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Queen of the Amazons
Solari, Amazon leader
Philippis, another Amazon
Lysis, a young Amazon
Other Amazons
Though the forest was dense, Xena and Gabrielle anticipated no trouble as they walked through it. This was Amazon country, and Gabrielle was officially queen of the Amazons, even if she rarely exercised the privileges due her.
Suddenly a large group of masked Amazons descended from the trees and barred the way. "Stop!" their leader demanded.
"What is the meaning of this?" Gabrielle asked angrily.
The leader doffed her mask, revealing her to be Solari, second-in-command to the Regent, Ephiny.
"We are the Amazon Fashion Police," Solari said, "and you’re under arrest for violating Section 42 of the Amazon Dress Code."
"What dress code?" Gabrielle inquired. "I never heard of a Section 42 or an Amazon Dress Code!"
"Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Even less so when you are our queen," Solari replied.
"What exactly is this Section 42?" Xena asked, curious.
"Section 42: ‘An Amazon shall not dress like a former villager from Poteidaia,’" was the answer.
"But I am a former villager from Poteidaia!" Gabrielle pointed out.
"All the more reason to dress like an Amazon," another warrior said.
"You tell her, Philippis!" a third encouraged.
"We’re embarrassed," Philippis went on. "Take that whatever it is you wear above the waist. Better yet, take it off and put on something else."
"Yeah, what is that, anyway? The Incredible Shrinking Bodice?" Solari asked.
"It looks like something the cows just chewed up," still another Amazon piped up.
"Well, it beats those dead animals you wear on your heads!" Gabrielle defended herself.
"That was Melosa’s idea," Solari sighed. "Section 8: ‘Game makes an excellent fashion statement.’ But since you’ve been queen, you haven’t even given a thought about changing it, have you?"
"We even gave you an Amazon makeover," Philippis complained, "and you went back to – that!"
"So we can’t take it any more," Solari declared. "Into the bushes with her!"
Gabrielle’s subjects seized her. "Hey! Let go of me!" she demanded.
"Nobody grabs my partner," Xena warned. She raised her chakram.
"Do not interfere, Xena," Solari advised. "She will not be harmed. Besides, we do not want Joxer blundering upon her naked."
"Oh, well, Joxer. That’s different," Xena said. "Go ahead."
"Xena! Don’t let them do this!"
"Sorry, Gabrielle. I hate that top, too."
"AIEEE!" Gabrielle screamed as the Amazons hauled her off. One remained behind and started a fire.
"What’s that for?" Xena asked. "A little barbecue afterwards?"
"It’s to keep her from backsliding. You’ll see," the Amazon replied.
"No! NO!" Gabrielle shouted from the bushes. "It’s my favorite top! AAUGHH!"
A two-toned bilious green object sailed from the bushes and landed squarely in the center of the fire. After a moment, it started to burn and smoke. Xena and the Amazon immediately doubled over and were sick to their stomachs. Xena heaved so convulsively that her breast dagger launched itself and was buried to the hilt in the trunk of an oak tree.
"It smells worse than it looks!" the Amazon gasped.
Xena finally caught her breath, then told her, "You didn’t have to travel around with her wearing that thing all the time. Even washing it didn’t help. In fact, washing made it shrink even more."
Back in the bushes, Gabrielle, hands covering her breasts, was hysterical.
"I loved that top! I made it myself!"
"Don’t give up your day job," Solari advised. "Now, here’s your official Amazon leather WonderTop.™"
"Builds strong bosoms twelve ways," Philippis told her. She handed it to Gabrielle, who had no choice but to put it on.
"Uh, guys, doesn’t it make me look a little, well, full?"
"That’s the idea," Solari replied. "Section 18: ‘Amazons shall wear tops calculated to make men want to drool over the resulting cleavage.’"
"Don’t forget Section 18a," one of the younger Amazons reminded her.
"That’s right, Lysis. Section 18a: ‘Joxer is not permitted to drool on an Amazon’s cleavage.’ We added that last year."
"At least that rule makes sense," Gabrielle observed.
"Next, the skirt," Philippis said.
"Oh, no, you don’t! That skirt’s comfortable!"
"Well, I admit it’s loose enough for fighting, but it’s ’way too long. Some guy could grab a bunch of cloth and rip it or pull you down," Philippis replied.
"It’s already too short!"
"Not short enough. Amazons?"
"Leather," they chorused.
"Like Ephiny’s," Philippis added. "You’ll like it. It’s soft and flexible. It won’t hinder you in battle, and it won’t look like sackcloth."
"My skirt does not look like sackcloth! Besides, I don’t want to look like Callisto," Gabrielle complained.
"Psycho Doll™? Artemis forbid! The skirt goes. Keep the belt, though. Nice design," Solari approved. The Amazons switched her skirts.
The brown cloth skirt was tossed from the bushes to join the remains of Gabrielle’s top on the fire. Shortly thereafter, the party emerged from the bushes and presented their queen to Xena.
"Well, what do you think?" Solari asked her.
"Nice," Xena replied. "Of course, I always did have this thing for wearing leather."
"Xena, you’re terrible!" Gabrielle pouted.
"Relax. The only problem I see is that you’ll have to twist Joxer’s nose every so often to keep him from staring at you."
"I was afraid of that," Gabrielle said.
"Here’s your official Amazon leather cleaning and polishing kit," Solari said, handing Gabrielle a wooden box. "We have standards to maintain."
"Standards? GRRR!" Angrily, she took up her staff.
"Our work is done here. Amazons, retreat!" Solari called, matching action to words. The other Amazons followed.
"Why didn’t you stop them, Xena?" Gabrielle furiously asked.
"To tell you the truth, Gabrielle, your fashion sense isn’t much better than Joxer’s."
"AARGHH!" Gabrielle attacked the Warrior Princess, who deftly plucked the staff from her friend’s hands and laughed as the bard pummeled her fists ineffectively on Xena’s metal breastplate.
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