Owner of a Lonely Heart
by Phil D. Hernández
Disclaimer:
Any similarity between Joxers thoughts and the
authors is strictly intentional.
Episode references:
"Callisto," "Return of Callisto,"
"The Deliverer," "Gabrielle's Hope,"
"King of Assassins," "Maternal Instincts,"
"The Bitter Suite" and "Forget Me Not."
COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Joxer
and all other characters who have appeared in the series,
together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole
copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures.
Scenes and dialogue from "The Bitter Suite" are
copyright © 1998 by MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No
infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the
writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by
Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the
story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any
way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and
must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer/Ted Raimi,
your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the
author at broadway@tvi.cc.nm.us.
GENRES:
Xena: Warrior Princess, action/adventure, romance.
VIOLENCE: A battle scene from
"The Bitter Suite" is recapped, in which Ephiny and
Joxer are injured. The "Gabdrag" is mentioned. Xena's
death is contemplated.
SEX: Joxer remembers seeing
Gabrielle naked.
LANGUAGE: Squeaky clean.
RATING: PG-13.
SUBTEXT: None.
SPOILERS: "The Bitter
Suite."
NOTICE TO JOXERPHOBES: This
story features Joxer the Mighty as the only active character. So
there.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Joxer the Mighty, erstwhile hero
In Joxers reminiscences:
Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Xenas best friend, the woman Joxer loves, Queen
of the Amazons
Ephiny, Amazon Regent
Callisto, Psycho Doll™, Xenas enemy, now a goddess
Jace, Joxers brother
Jett, Joxers twin brother, an assassin
Argo, Xenas wonder horse
It was cold this night, and the fire was burning low. A warrior sat before the embers, unable to sleep. The sounds of the night insects, of the owls and other night birds seeking prey in the moonlight, did not soothe his troubled spirit. He picked up his funny-looking helmet, stared at it awhile, then hurled it at a tree in anger and despair. He missed. Then he buried his head in his hands.
The night watches were always the loneliest times for Joxer. It was then, when there was no one around from whom he could crave approval, that he had to face himself and accept that he wasnt as mighty as he wanted to be; that he wasnt mighty at all. His act was all he had.
He cared about people, which was one reason he kept living. Hed learned about caring from his brother Jace. It was Jace who would return the toys their other brother Jett took away. It was Jace who sneaked him food when their father had sent Joxer to bed without supper. Jace picked him for his side in team games, taught him about girls (though he never could figure out how Jace had learned about them his brother was different that way), and brought him special pieces of wood to carve. Jace had even tried to teach Joxer how to fight, though he never made much progress. But he couldnt be that kind of a burden to Jace all his life, so he had left home to make his way on his own.
Gods, how I miss you, Jace!
When he signed on with Callisto, it was with thoughts of doing heroic deeds and winning favor in everyones eyes. Callisto had a good laugh and pretended to teach him ferocity. He couldnt be cruel. "Bloody Joxer," shed called him, only it wasnt a nickname; she was cursing him.
Still, Callisto was the only one around who might give him approval. He couldnt fight Xena and win, but how tough could it be to make off with her blonde companion? He d found out the hard and painful way. Between the beatings Gabrielle had given him he learned that kindness and caring were not weaknesses but strengths.
In the end, he had thrown in with Xena and Gabrielle, making two true friends.
Do I depend on them like I depended on Jace?
It seemed like it. Both women had saved his hide, and his life, so many times it was getting hard to remember. It was a strain on Xenas patience, he knew. She could be rough with him, and it hurt him inside, especially since he tried so hard to repay her friendship. There was a cruel streak from her days as a warlord that never disappeared entirely, though he had to admit that it was usually his own fault when he bumbled into her way.
And Gabby! Did she know how her words cut him so? He had fallen in love with her because they were so alike in many ways: caring, willing to help, talkative. She valued their friendship enough to let him travel with her, but sometimes he wondered if Gabby only cared for him as one cares for a playful puppy. When the puppy makes a mess in the house, its time for the rolled-up scroll on the backside.
No, Gabrielle didnt love him.
The worst time for Joxer was when Gabrielle had gone with Xena to Britannia. She had been raped by an evil god, Ephiny told him later, and had a child she was forced to abandon. Gabby never said a word to me about it, he remembered. Soon she seemed to grow cool even to Xena.
When he learned that Gabrielles daughter had murdered Xenas son, he had rushed to Amazon territory. He had to help his friends, even if he didnt have a clue as to how he could do that. Ephiny had welcomed him warmly. Just knowing that she had friends who still cared would help Gabrielle, Ephiny told him. Xena wasnt there herself. Inconsolable, the Warrior Princess had stormed off in anger.
It seemed Gabrielle would be inconsolable, too. She had closeted herself away, undergoing the purification ritual. Already she had spent three days torturing herself, but Ephiny would not let him see her. He was going to defy Ephiny and enter the hut anyway when he heard Gabrielle scream, "NO!" Before he knew it he was by her side. He gently lifted her up and carried her out of the hut. He remembered the tender arms around his neck as he tried to take her to safety.
And there was Xena, murder in her eyes. Ephiny called to him to flee. Gone were all thoughts of being a mighty warrior. If Gabrielle were safe, somehow he would deal with Xena. For now, though, Gabrielle came first.
Ephiny screamed as Xena broke her arm. Then Xena barred his way. He barely recognized his friend - he corrected himself: Xena has no friends now, he had thought. I said I would sacrifice my life for Gabrielle. I guess this is it. He would die so Gabrielle could get away.
He put Gabrielle down and told her to run, but Xena snared her with her whip. "Xena, what are you doing?" he cried. But there was no reply to this last appeal to her sanity.
Only he stood between Gabrielle and her death at Xenas hands. He was unarmed, but that didnt matter. If he could at least pull Xena off her horse not Argo, he noticed Gabby might be able to free herself and escape, or the Amazons could regroup and pile on Xena. He tried to call out Gabrielles name as a war cry, but it came out as an inarticulate yell of pain, anger and despair as he launched himself at the Warrior Princess.
To no avail. Xena carefully sized up his approach and struck him a blow with her fist that would have felled a truly mighty warrior. She had knocked him out.
(Joxer never did realize that at that instant he was a mighty warrior, and Xena had to hit him that hard lest he succeed in his purpose.)
He remembered bits and pieces of a strange dream in which he had seen Gabrielle naked and given her a dress, and later seeing her cradled in Xenas arms, dead.
Then he had awakened on a soft bed. He tried to get up, but his head spun, and a gentle hand eased him back down. It was Ephiny, her broken arm now splinted.
"Gabrielle! Where is she?" he had asked.
"I dont know. Xena dragged her behind a horse. Amazons are in pursuit."
"Which way?"
"Youre not going anywhere. You have a concussion. Xena almost killed you."
"But shell kill Gabrielle!"
"If she does, Xena dies," Ephiny said without emotion. "May Artemis keep it from coming to that."
"If it has to happen, then I have to fight beside you," he replied grimly.
"This is a matter of Amazon honor, Joxer, and you arent very skilled. You would die without striking a blow."
"Well, yes. But I told Xena a long time ago that I would do anything to avenge Gabrielle, even sacrifice my own life. I love her, Ephiny, even if she doesnt love me. If Xena takes away my hope of ever winning Gabbys heart, Im a dead man anyway."
"Then you and your sword are welcome in the service of our queen. Let it be known that the Amazons regard Joxer the Mighty as their friend," Ephiny said formally. Her tone softened again. "You rest now. And so will I. When we have news, Ill see that youre told immediately."
Gabrielle had returned safely. Ephiny refused to speak to Xena, but nodded her head in acceptance of Xenas apology.
An infinite sadness had replaced the madness in Xenas eyes. "Joxer, you were right to protect Gabrielle. Im sorry," she said. Without another word, she examined his head and gave him some herbs to ease the pain.
Gabby had kissed his forehead by way of thanks. She couldnt trust herself to speak. Tears were forming in her eyes, but she was smiling as he drifted off to sleep again.
"Almost . . . forgot. Carrots for Argo . . ." he mumbled. Then Gabrielle did cry.
When he awoke later, Gabrielle had confirmed the formal declaration of Amazon friendship.
Thinking about that, Joxer felt a little better. Not everyone laughed at him, after all. At least not when he wasnt bragging. Ephiny had taken him seriously, and the Amazons had been very kind, letting him stay with them until he had recovered.
Funny, here I am, friend of the Amazons, and I dont boast about it. Better that way, I suppose.
Gabby had been a lot friendlier toward him since then, he realized. But somehow he just couldnt figure out how to tell her how much he loved her.
Maybe I should just say it. But what if she laughs at me again? I couldnt take that, no way.
Even when he did get up the courage, he always seemed to stick his foot in his mouth. At the temple of Mnemosyne, first he thought to take advantage of Gabbys amnesia, but he lost his nerve because he knew it was the wrong thing to do. Then, making up for what he had done, he blurted out that he wanted to see her naked again. With perfect timing she had regained her memory and twisted his nose one more time.
Well, he did like her looks: so trim and lithe, such soft strawberry blonde hair, those bright green eyes . . .
Who am I to deserve a woman like her? Shes the most beautiful girl in the world! And shes smart, and funny, and so alive! I dont deserve her, thats the answer. Shell never love me. No one will ever love me.
Something inside him broke.
"I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE ANY MORE!" he cried.
There was no one to hear.
Morning found Joxer still awake, the tears dried on his face, his shoulders still heaving, the sorrow in his eyes utterly indescribable. He got up, put out the last few glowing coals, washed his face and started to break camp. Today would be another day.
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