Owner of a Lonely Heart
by Phil D. Hernández

Disclaimer:
Any similarity between Joxer’s thoughts and the author’s is strictly intentional.

Episode references:
"Callisto," "Return of Callisto," "The Deliverer," "Gabrielle's Hope," "King of Assassins," "Maternal Instincts," "The Bitter Suite" and "Forget Me Not."

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. Scenes and dialogue from "The Bitter Suite" are copyright © 1998 by MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer/Ted Raimi, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at broadway@tvi.cc.nm.us.

GENRES: Xena: Warrior Princess, action/adventure, romance.
VIOLENCE: A battle scene from "The Bitter Suite" is recapped, in which Ephiny and Joxer are injured. The "Gabdrag" is mentioned. Xena's death is contemplated.
SEX: Joxer remembers seeing Gabrielle naked.
LANGUAGE: Squeaky clean.
RATING: PG-13.
SUBTEXT: None.
SPOILERS: "The Bitter Suite."
NOTICE TO JOXERPHOBES: This story features Joxer the Mighty as the only active character. So there.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Joxer the Mighty, erstwhile hero

In Joxer’s reminiscences:
Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Xena’s best friend, the woman Joxer loves, Queen of the Amazons
Ephiny, Amazon Regent
Callisto, Psycho Doll™, Xena’s enemy, now a goddess
Jace, Joxer’s brother
Jett, Joxer’s twin brother, an assassin
Argo, Xena’s wonder horse

It was cold this night, and the fire was burning low. A warrior sat before the embers, unable to sleep. The sounds of the night insects, of the owls and other night birds seeking prey in the moonlight, did not soothe his troubled spirit. He picked up his funny-looking helmet, stared at it awhile, then hurled it at a tree in anger and despair. He missed. Then he buried his head in his hands.

The night watches were always the loneliest times for Joxer. It was then, when there was no one around from whom he could crave approval, that he had to face himself and accept that he wasn’t as mighty as he wanted to be; that he wasn’t mighty at all. His act was all he had.

He cared about people, which was one reason he kept living. He’d learned about caring from his brother Jace. It was Jace who would return the toys their other brother Jett took away. It was Jace who sneaked him food when their father had sent Joxer to bed without supper. Jace picked him for his side in team games, taught him about girls (though he never could figure out how Jace had learned about them – his brother was different that way), and brought him special pieces of wood to carve. Jace had even tried to teach Joxer how to fight, though he never made much progress. But he couldn’t be that kind of a burden to Jace all his life, so he had left home to make his way on his own.

Gods, how I miss you, Jace!

When he signed on with Callisto, it was with thoughts of doing heroic deeds and winning favor in everyone’s eyes. Callisto had a good laugh and pretended to teach him ferocity. He couldn’t be cruel. "Bloody Joxer," she’d called him, only it wasn’t a nickname; she was cursing him.

Still, Callisto was the only one around who might give him approval. He couldn’t fight Xena and win, but how tough could it be to make off with her blonde companion? He ‘d found out the hard and painful way. Between the beatings Gabrielle had given him he learned that kindness and caring were not weaknesses but strengths.

In the end, he had thrown in with Xena and Gabrielle, making two true friends.

Do I depend on them like I depended on Jace?

It seemed like it. Both women had saved his hide, and his life, so many times it was getting hard to remember. It was a strain on Xena’s patience, he knew. She could be rough with him, and it hurt him inside, especially since he tried so hard to repay her friendship. There was a cruel streak from her days as a warlord that never disappeared entirely, though he had to admit that it was usually his own fault when he bumbled into her way.

And Gabby! Did she know how her words cut him so? He had fallen in love with her because they were so alike in many ways: caring, willing to help, talkative. She valued their friendship enough to let him travel with her, but sometimes he wondered if Gabby only cared for him as one cares for a playful puppy. When the puppy makes a mess in the house, it’s time for the rolled-up scroll on the backside.

No, Gabrielle didn’t love him.

The worst time for Joxer was when Gabrielle had gone with Xena to Britannia. She had been raped by an evil god, Ephiny told him later, and had a child she was forced to abandon. Gabby never said a word to me about it, he remembered. Soon she seemed to grow cool even to Xena.

When he learned that Gabrielle’s daughter had murdered Xena’s son, he had rushed to Amazon territory. He had to help his friends, even if he didn’t have a clue as to how he could do that. Ephiny had welcomed him warmly. Just knowing that she had friends who still cared would help Gabrielle, Ephiny told him. Xena wasn’t there herself. Inconsolable, the Warrior Princess had stormed off in anger.

It seemed Gabrielle would be inconsolable, too. She had closeted herself away, undergoing the purification ritual. Already she had spent three days torturing herself, but Ephiny would not let him see her. He was going to defy Ephiny and enter the hut anyway when he heard Gabrielle scream, "NO!" Before he knew it he was by her side. He gently lifted her up and carried her out of the hut. He remembered the tender arms around his neck as he tried to take her to safety.

And there was Xena, murder in her eyes. Ephiny called to him to flee. Gone were all thoughts of being a mighty warrior. If Gabrielle were safe, somehow he would deal with Xena. For now, though, Gabrielle came first.

Ephiny screamed as Xena broke her arm. Then Xena barred his way. He barely recognized his friend - he corrected himself: Xena has no friends now, he had thought. I said I would sacrifice my life for Gabrielle. I guess this is it. He would die so Gabrielle could get away.

He put Gabrielle down and told her to run, but Xena snared her with her whip. "Xena, what are you doing?" he cried. But there was no reply to this last appeal to her sanity.

Only he stood between Gabrielle and her death at Xena’s hands. He was unarmed, but that didn’t matter. If he could at least pull Xena off her horse – not Argo, he noticed – Gabby might be able to free herself and escape, or the Amazons could regroup and pile on Xena. He tried to call out Gabrielle’s name as a war cry, but it came out as an inarticulate yell of pain, anger and despair as he launched himself at the Warrior Princess.

To no avail. Xena carefully sized up his approach and struck him a blow with her fist that would have felled a truly mighty warrior. She had knocked him out.

(Joxer never did realize that at that instant he was a mighty warrior, and Xena had to hit him that hard lest he succeed in his purpose.)

He remembered bits and pieces of a strange dream in which he had seen Gabrielle naked and given her a dress, and later seeing her cradled in Xena’s arms, dead.

Then he had awakened on a soft bed. He tried to get up, but his head spun, and a gentle hand eased him back down. It was Ephiny, her broken arm now splinted.

"Gabrielle! Where is she?" he had asked.

"I don’t know. Xena dragged her behind a horse. Amazons are in pursuit."

"Which way?"

"You’re not going anywhere. You have a concussion. Xena almost killed you."

"But she’ll kill Gabrielle!"

"If she does, Xena dies," Ephiny said without emotion. "May Artemis keep it from coming to that."

"If it has to happen, then I have to fight beside you," he replied grimly.

"This is a matter of Amazon honor, Joxer, and you aren’t very skilled. You would die without striking a blow."

"Well, yes. But I told Xena a long time ago that I would do anything to avenge Gabrielle, even sacrifice my own life. I love her, Ephiny, even if she doesn’t love me. If Xena takes away my hope of ever winning Gabby’s heart, I’m a dead man anyway."

"Then you and your sword are welcome in the service of our queen. Let it be known that the Amazons regard Joxer the Mighty as their friend," Ephiny said formally. Her tone softened again. "You rest now. And so will I. When we have news, I’ll see that you’re told immediately."

Gabrielle had returned safely. Ephiny refused to speak to Xena, but nodded her head in acceptance of Xena’s apology.

An infinite sadness had replaced the madness in Xena’s eyes. "Joxer, you were right to protect Gabrielle. I’m sorry," she said. Without another word, she examined his head and gave him some herbs to ease the pain.

Gabby had kissed his forehead by way of thanks. She couldn’t trust herself to speak. Tears were forming in her eyes, but she was smiling as he drifted off to sleep again.

"Almost . . . forgot. Carrots for Argo . . ." he mumbled. Then Gabrielle did cry.

When he awoke later, Gabrielle had confirmed the formal declaration of Amazon friendship.

Thinking about that, Joxer felt a little better. Not everyone laughed at him, after all. At least not when he wasn’t bragging. Ephiny had taken him seriously, and the Amazons had been very kind, letting him stay with them until he had recovered.

Funny, here I am, friend of the Amazons, and I don’t boast about it. Better that way, I suppose.

Gabby had been a lot friendlier toward him since then, he realized. But somehow he just couldn’t figure out how to tell her how much he loved her.

Maybe I should just say it. But what if she laughs at me again? I couldn’t take that, no way.

Even when he did get up the courage, he always seemed to stick his foot in his mouth. At the temple of Mnemosyne, first he thought to take advantage of Gabby’s amnesia, but he lost his nerve because he knew it was the wrong thing to do. Then, making up for what he had done, he blurted out that he wanted to see her naked again. With perfect timing she had regained her memory and twisted his nose one more time.

Well, he did like her looks: so trim and lithe, such soft strawberry blonde hair, those bright green eyes . . .

Who am I to deserve a woman like her? She’s the most beautiful girl in the world! And she’s smart, and funny, and so alive! I don’t deserve her, that’s the answer. She’ll never love me. No one will ever love me.

Something inside him broke.

"I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE ANY MORE!" he cried.

There was no one to hear.

Morning found Joxer still awake, the tears dried on his face, his shoulders still heaving, the sorrow in his eyes utterly indescribable. He got up, put out the last few glowing coals, washed his face and started to break camp. Today would be another day.

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