Stone In Love
by Phil Hernández

Disclaimer:
Gabrielle’s sanity was not harmed during the writing of this story. Joxer’s finger, however, developed an infection. Xena put bread mold on it and he got better right away.

Episode references:
"Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards," "Return of Callisto," "Intimate Stranger," "For Him the Bell Tolls," "A Comedy of Eros," "The Price," "Gabrielle’s Hope," "Warrior…Priestess…Tramp," "The Quill Is Mightier," "Maternal Instincts," "The Bitter Suite" and "Sacrifice II."

Other references:
Jack Benny, Arthur Dent from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, A Present for Pat by Philip K. Dick, Mighty Aphrodite, Brylcreem and Toyota commercials and the myths of Cupid and Psyche and Pygmalion and Galatea.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer/Ted Raimi, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at broadway@tvi.cc.nm.us.

GENRES: Xena: Warrior Princess, romance, comedy.
VIOLENCE: The aftermath of rape is discussed seriously, but briefly. Threats of violence are considered. A past suicide is mentioned. No fighting.
SEX: Gabrielle and Joxer kiss. Some might call that obscene.
LANGUAGE: Squeaky clean.
RATING: PG-13.
SUBTEXT: Wishful thinking on the reader’s part.
SPOILERS: Nothing significant.
NOTICE TO JOXERPHOBES: This story features Joxer the Mighty. You were warned.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Bard of Poteidaia, Queen of the Amazons, Xena’s best friend
Joxer the Mighty, erstwhile hero
Aphrodite, Goddess of Love
Cupid, Aphrodite’s son, the guy with the arrows
Psyche, Cupid’s wife, formerly a mortal
Bliss, Cupid and Psyche’s mischievous son
Argo, Xena’s wonder horse

The Athenians have a special name for the farmland that stretches to the north, away from their city and the sea. Attica, as it is called, is very precious to them, full of small farmsteads and vineyards so rich that everyone prospers and a great city can be fed. It is a land devoted to Demeter and Dionysus, safe from warlords by the power of Athens and its patron goddess Athena, who paradoxically is a war god as well as Goddess of Wisdom.

Spring had come to Attica, the vines beginning to twine around latticework, green grass poking up from the earth to herald Persephone’s return. Flowers were blooming, olive trees budding and the grain promised a good harvest.

Two women leading a horse were on the road to Athens. Xena, armed and armored as always, was nevertheless relaxed, allowing the breeze to disorder her long, black hair. Her fair-haired companion Gabrielle was exuberant, pointing at songbirds and waving to the farmers and their families in the fields. They waved back in friendly greeting. Xena and Gabrielle were well-known in Attica and Athens, for they had stood beside many of these same farmers against the Horde.

Gabrielle inhaled deeply and let her breath out slowly to savor the fragrance of the land.

"Don’t you just love the smell of growing things?" she said. "It makes everything seem more . . . well . . . alive."

"Yes," Xena agreed, smiling. "It heals the soul, too."

She fell silent again, but Gabrielle knew what Xena meant. Her partner had seen too much killing over the years, had killed many times as well. Now the two tried to save lives, so people could have a little joy, as everyone in Attica seemed to have today.

They came to a crossroads and saw a familiar man walking along the other road. From his silly helmet he was instantly recognizable at any distance as their good friend Joxer. He styled himself "the Mighty" although the only things mighty about him were his clumsiness and his warm, caring heart. It was this latter quality that endeared him to them both. He had risked his life for them, and even for Argo the horse, though more often than not they had to bail him out of trouble.

"Hi, Xena! Hi, Gabrielle!" he called out.

"Hi, Joxer!" Gabrielle waved happily.

Xena gave him a warm smile. "Hello, Joxer."

"We’re on our way to Athens to see Euripides’ latest play. It’s all about Ion and Creusa. Want to come with us?" Gabrielle invited.

"No, thanks, I’ve got some business to take care of," was the surprising reply. Joxer reached in a bag and withdrew some carrots, which he fed to Argo. "There you go, girl. Oh, not the carrots," he said. "It’s just that Argo would be so disappointed if I forgot her. Say, maybe I can catch up with you later."

"All right," Gabrielle said. "We’ll see you in town, then."

"Wait. I’ve got something for you."

Fumbling among his gear, he produced an amazing variety of objects: some smooth stones, a candle, a toy sword, bits of parchment, a few small carving knives (he pricked his finger and stuck it in his mouth) and finally the thing he sought. It was a figure of Xena, standing with her chakram at the ready. He had carved it himself.

"Joxer! It looks just like her!"

"Yes, Joxer, you’ve done another fine job," Xena observed.

"I’d like you to have it, Gabrielle."

"I shouldn’t be taking presents from you, Joxer."

"It’s all right. I gave Xena one of you, so it’s only fair that I give you one of her."

"Well, then . . . thanks!" She quickly took the figure and examined it closely, admiring the detail. "Why don’t you do this for a living?" she asked him.

"Hey, then I couldn’t be ‘righting wrongs and singing songs, being mighty all day long,’ now, could I?" he joked.

"Start singing that song of yours again," Xena teased, "and the Athenians will bar the gates!" They all laughed.

"We’ve got to get to Athens or we’ll miss the play," Gabrielle announced.

"We’ll see you later," Xena said in parting.

"See ya!" As the women moved on, Joxer stood for a while, looking longingly at Gabrielle as he always did. Maybe she thought he had a crush on her, but he and Xena knew better. He collected himself and continued on his way.

Farther down the road, Xena was caught up in the spirit of the day.

"You aren’t thinking of dating Joxer, are you?" she kidded her partner.

Gabrielle playfully whacked Xena across the seat with her staff. Xena jumped.

"You’ll pay for that," she laughed.

"Oh? And how do you think you’ll make me?"

"Like this!" Xena reached out for her friend’s waist.

"Oh, no. No. You wouldn’t, Xena!" Gabrielle backed away, but not quickly enough.

"Oh, yes, I would!" Xena tickled Gabrielle, who squealed with laughter.

"Okay, okay, you win! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

They fell into each other’s arms, laughing. Even Argo neighed happily.

Joxer arrived at his destination, a small temple of Aphrodite’s. He was a little nervous; the Goddess of Love hadn’t exactly been kind to him whenever he had direct dealings with her. He withdrew another carving from his gear. It was Aphrodite. Perhaps she would like it and grant his special request.

He went inside, placed the figurine before the altar and backed away quickly. He prayed: "Mighty Aphrodite, accept this pitiful offering and hear the petition of your humble servant . . ."

On Olympus, Cupid and his wife Psyche had dropped in on Aphrodite.

"This could be fun," the Goddess of Love chuckled. "That nerd Joxer is making an offering."

"Mother Aphrodite, why do you enjoy picking on helpless mortals?" Psyche had personal experience of it.

"Because I want something different for a change. All the time I get ‘Make her fall in love with me’ or ‘Fill him with desire.’ And those funky sacrifices! Burning fat and bones! Grotty to the max!"

"But he’s a geek, Mom!"

"And he’s a man, Cupid. If he wants what I think he wants, I can have some fun with that prissy bard, too. This is gonna be juicy."

Aphrodite gleefully left for her temple. Psyche and Cupid shrugged.

Mouth open, Joxer gaped at the Goddess of Love.

"Hiya, studmuffin, what’cha got for me?" She reached out for him and toyed with his hair, then quickly pulled her hand back, rubbing thumb against fingers disgustedly. "Eww, greasy kid stuff!"

Then she spotted the figurine. "Hey, that’s pretty neat! Where’d you get it?"

"I - I made it myself," he stammered.

"I like it! So, whaddya want to ask me?"

"Well, you know Gabrielle . . ."

"Yeah, that bard who’s always getting my temples trashed! I know her."

"You see, I love her . . ."

"And?"

"She doesn’t love me . . ."

"Bummer. Reminds me of this guy Iphis, real sad case. He loved a girl who wouldn’t even give him the time of day. Anaxarete was her name. Cute, but kinda cold, if you know what I mean. Anyway, he tried everything. Candy, flowers, bards, you name it. She fed the candy and the flowers to the pigs and threw the bards in the pigpen. He prayed to me all the time, and let me tell you, he was borr-rring! But he really did love her. He even slept on her porch, and her servants let him ’cause they liked him.

"Well, one day he’s got a whole dinner catered, waiters, candles, the works. He didn’t have a whole lot of money, either, so it meant a lot to him. He never got past her front gate. So he sent everybody home and he hung himself, right there on the gatepost where he used to hang garlands for her. Yuck!

"She just left him there! Said it was what he deserved. Her mother got real mad at her ’cause she didn’t even want to let her servants take him down and bury him. But they did anyway, and gave him a nice funeral. Anaxarete is watching, and she’s still making fun of him.

"I said to myself, ‘Fine. This clueless babe’s got a heart of stone, she can have a body to match.’ So I turned her into a statue. I’ve got her in my temple at Salamis."

Joxer frowned. "That wasn’t very nice."

"Ah, c’mon. She had it coming. Anyway, she likes it that way. None of the guys try to bug her any more."

"Well, OK, but what I wanted to ask –"

"Hey, I know," Aphrodite interrupted. "Gabrielle doesn’t love you, either! I’ll fix her, and you don’t even have to hang yourself!"

"Wait! Don’t!" But Joxer was too late.

"You, know, Xena, you should try storytelling yourself. I know it’s got to be one of your ‘many skills’ and . . ." Gabrielle’s voice trailed off. She stopped walking and stood stock-still in the road.

"What’s the matter, Gabrielle?"

"Xena, something’s wrong. I feel so weird and stiff . . ."

"Gabrielle?" Her friend started to fade away. "Gabrielle!" Xena reached for her, but she was gone. "GABRIELLE!"

The air shimmered before Joxer, and Gabrielle appeared. She stood with her staff in her right hand and her left hand on her hip, leg bent slightly inward. She had a pretty smile on her face that would have been warm except that she was solid pink-white marble. Joxer turned white, as if he were becoming a statue himself.

"Do ya like it, cutie? Nice cheesecake pose, don’t you think?"

"What in Tartarus have you done to her?!" he shouted.

"Keep your Joxer shorts on. Every boy needs a girlfriend who’s solid as a rock."

"Yeah, but I don’t want a girl who is a rock." He made a sign to ward off a curse. "No offense, Gaia." He turned back to Aphrodite. "Change her back!" he demanded.

"Hey, I’m doing her a favor, mighty boy. She’ll always be young and pretty, in a perky sort of way. I hate perky. But – she’s your girlfriend."

"She’ll go crazy! That is, if you haven’t killed her already. I mean, if she’s still alive maybe she can still see us and hear us and think, but she can’t do anything."

"So? This is bad?"

"Yes, this is bad," he mocked. "She’ll never love me back."

"She doesn’t love you now. This way, she’ll always be there for you. Travel around all you want, and when you get back blondie will be waiting. Oops, I guess she really isn’t a blonde any more, is she?"

"Will you please change her back?" he pleaded.

"I dunno. I kinda like it when Little Miss Goody Two Shoes is quiet. Daddy knows she talks all the time. And look" – she patted Gabrielle’s bare midriff – "rock-hard abs! You know, babe," she addressed the statue, "a lot of mortals would kill for a hard body like yours."

"Now cut that out! If all I wanted was a Gabrielle who just stands around and looks pretty, I can carve my own statue."

"Ex-squeeze me, aren’t we the virtuous one! I know what you do at Meg’s place, dude. You can’t fool me. I’m the Goddess of Love."

"Some Goddess of Love you are. First you make me a hero to wreck a marriage. It didn’t work and Gabrielle had to save my butt. Where were you when I found out the truth? Then Gabby falls in love with me and I’m happy, but it’s just one of Cupid’s arrows. When he took off the spell, she laughed at the whole idea of being in love with me. Well, I wasn’t laughing."

He turned to the statue. "I’m sorry, Gabrielle. I didn’t think it was funny at all, but I couldn’t tell you, ’cause I never wanted to hurt your feelings."

"Whoa, major angst here."

"Yeah, ‘major angst,’ Aphrodite," he sighed. "Next you put a spell on Gabrielle’s scroll because some losers trashed your temple. I may be a cosmic jerk, but you almost lost your godhead forever. What kind of jerk would you have been then? I’ll tell you: a smelly jerk!"

"Hey! Don’t call me a smelly jerk! Besides, you got to see three of your precious Gabbys naked."

"Yeah," Joxer replied in a dreamy voice. "That was – don’t change the subject!" I want Gabrielle to love me for real, not because some god thinks it’s funny."

"You want her to love you? I can do that." She gestured at the statue.

Xena paced the road angrily. Whoever took Gabrielle away would regret it.

Now who in Tartarus could have done something like this? Probably a god, she thought. OK, let’s go over the possibilities.

Morpheus. No, that’s settled.

Ares. Maybe. He’s tried to use her to get at me before this.

Callisto. Not her style. She likes fire. And I killed her.

Velasca. No, she’d rather kill Gabrielle outright.

Artemis. No, Gabrielle respects her. If she’d given offense Artemis would have let her know. Anyway, she’d turn her into some animal, not snatch her.

Dahak. Not subtle enough by half.

Aphrodite. Hmm. She’s got a temple nearby. She likes to mess with Gabrielle and Joxer – Joxer! He’s here, too. It’s got to be Aphrodite! Oh, Zeus, what has Joxer done now? Xena whistled for Argo.

"NO! That’s not it! Aphrodite, you haven’t even bothered to hear my prayer yet," Joxer said unhappily.

"Then what do you want?"

"Well, first you’ve got to change her back. But what I came here for was to ask you that if Gabrielle ever falls in love with me, it’s because she does love me. No spells, no potions, none of Cupid’s arrows, no golden apples, no Olympic mind games. Just true love. And if Gabrielle never loves me, then that’s the way it is. I’ll live with it. OK?"

Aphrodite stood stunned for a few seconds. "Wow, Cupid was wrong about you," she finally said. "Sometimes you’re not a geek. OK. You asked for it, you got it. No toying around." She gestured at Gabrielle again. "If she ever falls in love with you, it’ll be for real. Now kiss her."

"What?"

"Kiss her, dummy. It might be your last chance. Anyway, it breaks the spell. Worked for Pygmalion."

Although Gabrielle certainly couldn’t resist, Joxer hesitated. He didn’t want to take advantage of her. But he couldn’t leave her as a statue, either. Gingerly, he kissed her stony cheek. Nothing happened.

"On the lips, studmuffin."

"No more games."

"Fer shurre."

Gently, he took Gabrielle in his arms and kissed her lips. They softened. He kept it up, summoning all his love for her. The stiffness left her and color returned as she became a living woman again. Not entirely against her will, Gabrielle returned the tender, passionate kiss.

"Eww, too schmaltzy. I’m outta here," Aphrodite said.

Gabrielle broke the embrace and shook herself angrily. "Aphrodite! Why, you –"

"Gabrielle, NO!! Do you want to be a statue again?" He seized her arms and restrained her.

"Like mighty boy said. Ciao." And the Goddess of Love was gone.

Xena urged Argo into a faster trot. She couldn’t afford to push her into a gallop, lest it wind her too quickly and they ended up losing time. Whatever Joxer had done, he wouldn’t try to harm her, but he never thought, either. Gabrielle might be in real danger, and so might Joxer. Serves him right, but I’d rather see them both safe, she thought. Aphrodite’s temple appeared in the distance. It wouldn’t be long, now.

Joxer released Gabrielle’s arms, now that there was no reason to hold her back. "Are you all right?" he asked.

"Joxer, of all the bonehead things you’ve done, this has got to be one of the dumbest ever!" Gabrielle was still angry, and without Aphrodite to vent it on she lashed out at Joxer. "Don’t you ever think?"

"Gabrielle, I’m sorry. I tried to stop her from doing it; you know that! I didn’t want any spells on you. That’s what I asked her for. It’s all I wanted. Gabrielle –" he hesitated for a moment, then spit it out: "– I love you!"

She stood speechless for a moment, then visibly calmed down.

"I know, Joxer. I’ve always known."

"But you laughed at the idea of loving me."

"I had to laugh, or I would have cried. I care a lot about you. I’ve told you that. I’ve always appreciated the attention you give me, even if you do lay it on a little thick.

"But too much has happened lately," she continued sadly. "I loved Perdicas, and Callisto murdered him. I’ve watched other men I liked die, and I don’t want to see you die, too." She began to lose control. "The worst was something you can never understand. Dahak raped me!" she shrieked.

"Gabrielle! Don’t do this to yourself!"

"Even without all the evil Hope caused, I would still feel dirty. I almost died in that purification ritual, and I still feel dirty!"

"No, Gabrielle," he tried to console her, "you’re not dirty. There’s nothing I can say or do to change how you feel, except be your friend. And I never want to replace Perdicas, even if I could. You’ll always love him. That won’t ever change, even if you do find room in your heart for me."

He gently held her. At first she recoiled from his touch, then she accepted the comfort he offered.

"There will always be room in my heart for you, Joxer."

"Really?"

Gabrielle brightened again. She stepped out of his arms and faced him.

"Hey, we’ve risked our lives for each other. You just stood up to a god for me. Even when Xena –" she paused for a second, unable to let go "– well, you were there for me. When I’m ready to love again, you never know – I just might be looking for that stupid helmet of yours on the trail. Friends forever?"

"Friends forever." He smiled, and they shook hands on it.

"We might as well wait here. I have a feeling Xena’s coming after us," Gabrielle said. "She’s never going to believe this."

"So who’s gonna tell her?"

"Why don’t you? You got me into this."

"Oh, no. Aphrodite got you into this. You tell Xena. She’ll believe you."

"Right. She’s going to believe a tall tale from a storyteller."

"So we both tell her."

"That, Joxer, is a plan."

"How about a kiss for the road?"

Gabrielle hefted her staff. "Don’t push it," she warned. Then she impulsively kissed him on the cheek. His goofy smile came back.

"Joxer, for somebody who’s a pain most of the time, you really can be sweet. What you asked Aphrodite for – well, I don’t know any other man who would have done that. Thanks." She kissed him on the cheek again. An impish smile came to her face. "Oh, come here." She grabbed him and fervently kissed his mouth. "Mmmmm."

Xena charged into the temple, chakram in hand. She stopped, shocked, when she saw her best friend in Joxer’s arms.

"Gabrielle? Joxer?" Xena was incredulous. Then she grew angry. "Joxer, if you had Aphrodite put a spell on Gabrielle, I’ll cut you to pieces and – and – and I’ll jump on the bloody bits!"

Joxer hid behind Gabrielle.

"It’s all right," the bard said. "There’s no love spell on me. In fact, there isn’t any spell on me at all, thanks to Joxer."

"What happened to you?"

"Well, it’s a little complicated . . ." she said as the three walked out together.

They made it to Athens in time to see the play. Euripides, seeing his friend Gabrielle in the audience, invited her along with Xena and Joxer to dine with the actors. Afterwards, the three returned to the inn where they were lodging for the night. Finally alone with Xena, Gabrielle needed to talk to her.

"I couldn’t tell him, Xena, but Aphrodite pulled a nasty trick on me. I could see and hear everything that was going on, and he was afraid I’d go insane, but all I wanted was to be a statue and belong to Joxer! I didn’t want to go back to you, I didn’t want to be free, I just wanted to stand there on display! It was all right with me!" She shuddered.

"You’re lucky Joxer cares for you. If he wanted a toy instead of a woman, you’d still be a statue and – if I didn’t kill him first – he’d go back to Meg’s place."

"I wonder if that’s where he learned how to kiss like that."

"Gabrielle!"

"I mean, when he kissed me for the very first time, I thought it was just Aphrodite’s spell on him. But it wasn’t. He can’t do much, but he sure can kiss."

"Are you falling for him?" she asked, seriously.

"I don’t think so. But I’m not so sure any more."

"You’d better sleep on it. We’ve got a long road tomorrow."

"You’re right, Xena. Good night." She hugged her, then she blew out the candle and they settled down for the night.

Aphrodite bounced her grandson Bliss on her knee. "Oopsie, doopsie, oopsie, doopsie," she cooed while the child laughed.

"So Joxer actually had a lesson for the Goddess of Love," Cupid observed.

"OK, so he did, but I think everything’s working out just fine."

"Mother Aphrodite! You promised not to put any spells on her!" Psyche reproved.

"I didn’t. But I like to see a couple of lovers get together, that is, as long as they don’t trash my temple over it," she said, glancing sidelong at Cupid, who looked away with a smile. "When she does fall in love with him – and she will, without any help from us – it’ll be the perfect revenge. It’s a win-win situation!"

"Win-win," Bliss said. He giggled.

"Yes, you little cutie!" Aphrodite snuggled him to her bosom. "I owe him to you, Psyche. You know a few things about love yourself."

"I guess I do," Psyche said, putting her arm around her husband.

Mischief with mortals forgotten, they enjoyed the night, too.

Author’s notes:
Euripides’ play Ion has come down to our time, and is in print. Another version of that story can be found in Edith Hamilton’s Mythology, in chapter 19.

The story of Iphis and Anaxarete is from Ovid’s Metamorphoses. I have taken the liberty of adding some small details.

Unlike the occasionally confused geography provided in Xena: Warrior Princess ("One Against an Army" comes to mind), Attica was as described, except perhaps for the temple of Aphrodite I located there. The people of Attica were Athenians, had all the rights of their city brethren, and as free men served in the Athenian army; hence they would have fought the Horde. Whenever an invasion of Attica occurred, the people were evacuated to the city, whose walls extended to the port of Piraeus to the west of Athens.

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