Xeenie Babies
by Phil Hernández
Disclaimer:
No eardrums or pieces of Joxer’s armor were
actually harmed in the writing of this story. Gabrielle’s
appetite, however, was left slightly unsatisfied because she kept
her promise to Xena that Joxer would get enough to eat.
Author’s note:
This story is dedicated to my friend
"Audrey," who inspired some of Gabrielle’s
behavior.
Episode reference:
"King of Assassins."
COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Argo
and all other characters who have appeared in the series,
together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole
copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures.
Beanie Babies, the figures on which this story is based, are the
copyright property and registered trademarks of Ty, Inc. No
infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the
writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by
Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the
story idea. Xeenie Babies are his own creation. This story cannot
be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may
be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and
copyright notices.
Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer/Ted Raimi,
your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the
author at broadway@tvi.cc.nm.us.
GENRES: Xena:
Warrior Princess, comedy.
VIOLENCE: None.
SEX: None.
LANGUAGE: Squeaky clean.
RATING: G.
SUBTEXT: None.
SPOILERS: None.
NOTICE TO JOXERPHOBES: You’re only
depriving yourself if you don’t read this story.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, the Bard of Poteidaia, Queen of the Amazons,
Xena’s best friend
Joxer the Mighty, erstwhile hero
a merchant
various buyers
children
The agora of Thebes seemed unusually full of activity this morning, most of it centered on a single toymaker’s stall. Many adults and a horde of children were surrounding it. As Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer approached, shouted words became distinct.
"I’ve got the dinars for twenty, and I’m going to buy twenty!" a man insisted.
"You just want to sell them tomorrow for twice the price," a woman complained. "Think of all the children who’ll go without!"
"I don’t care! I was first – they’re mine!"
A girl tugged at the woman’s skirts and wailed, a high-pitched cry that caused Gabrielle to cover her ears. Some of the links of Joxer’s armor snapped.
Xena raised her voice. "What is this nonsense all about? Who would deprive a child of a toy just to make a profit?"
A hush fell over the scrum of buyers.
"It’s Xena!" one finally shouted. "Xena, will you autograph my Xeenie Baby?"
The crowd enthusiastically gabbled its agreement.
"Xeenie Babies? What on Gaia’s green earth are Xeenie Babies?" Gabrielle asked.
A young woman rounded on her. "Why, they’re just the greatest toys ever made, girl! Soft cloth dolls filled with tiny beans. Children love them! And they’re so collectible! Oh, I hope I can get my Xena and Gabrielle Xeenie Babies today!"
"Yeah," another man agreed. "Yesterday I missed out on Amazon Queen Gabrielle, but I got Argo!"
"Oh, you lucky fellow. You have another to trade? I have an extra Warlord Xena."
"Talk to me after I buy today’s figures."
Bewildered, the three companions managed to shoulder their way to the counter, where Gabrielle was almost completely entranced by what she saw. "Look, it’s me! And I’m so cute, with my pretty green top…"
"She’s got to be the only person in the known world who thinks that top is pretty," Xena said in an aside to Joxer.
"I’ll buy you one," he told Gabrielle. "How much?" he asked.
"Twenty dinars," the merchant said.
"Twenty dinars! That’s highway robbery! Three dinars," Joxer replied.
"No bargaining here. Twenty, or the next time it might be twenty-five. Plenty of people will buy at twenty-five."
"All right, all right." He handed over the money, which was all he had. Gabrielle hugged the figure to herself.
"Oh, it’s wonderful! Thank you, Joxer!"
He leaned forward, expecting a kiss, but when he opened his eyes, he saw the bard was kissing her Gabrielle Xeenie Baby. Xena shrugged. She didn’t know what to make of it, either.
"Say, you wouldn’t happen to have a Joxer the Mighty Xeenie Baby, would you?" he asked the seller.
"Joxer the Mighty?" The man began to laugh. "No one would buy a Joxer Xeenie Baby, not even our most rabid collectors!"
"I would," Xena said.
Gabrielle was startled out of her Xeenie Baby worship. "Why?" she asked.
"Because I saw him empty his pouch to get you that doll, and I know the only food he’s got left is some carrots…"
"…which he’ll give to Argo. Joxer, I’m sorry."
"Hey, it was worth it. Joxer the Mighty can live off the land!"
"And probably land in the stocks again for ‘liberating’ a chicken." Xena took his arm and led him away from the clamor, Gabrielle following. "We’ll make sure you get something to eat and a place to stay for the night."
"It’s the least we can do," Gabrielle agreed. "Oh, Joxer, I just love my Xeenie Baby," she squealed. More links snapped, and this time Xena held her own ears.
THE END
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