How to Examine Your Own Cervix

Excerpted from The Urban Herbalist, a newsletter of self-help healthcare, herbal healing, and sexual adventure. The HAGS are resting right now, and are not currently publishing new issues. For information about back issues, send SASE to The Urban Herbalist, P.O.Box 974, Canal Street Station, New York, NY 10013. Disclaimer: In accordance with FDA regulation, none of the information contained in this text in intended to be used for diagnostic or treatment purposes. It is for informational purposes. Use at your own risk.

PART I: Vaginal Anatomy - "Get to Know Your Pussy {Reproductive Organs-Vagina}!"

THE VAGINA is a closed tube. If there is not a tampon, dick {Penis}, dildoe {Vibrator}, finger or other {foriegn} object inside it, the muscular walls of the tube are collapsed and touching one another {known as Potential Space in Medicine}. Compare it to an airless balloon. When you stick your fingers in, the walls may vary from very dry to very wet. This all depends on where you are in {the stage of} life {Virgin, Fertile, Peri-Menopause, or Post-Menopause} and where you are in your menstrual cycle {period or Menses}. Get to know this Gooky Goo {Mucus and Secretions}. It's completely natural and an intimate relationship with your own vaginal secretions means fewer venereal disease{s}, freak-outs, and better knowledge of the patterns of your cycles {Fertility Awareness}. THE CERVIX is that little knob at the end of the vaginal tunnel. It is the lowest tip of your uterus (where your monthly bloods come from){Periods or Menses flow}. To the touch it could fell like the end of a nose {Cartilage tissue} or, if you've had a baby, more like a chin {Hard like a bones tissue}. If you're having trouble feeling it, push like you're taking a shit{bowel Movement} or bring your knees closer to your chest. The small depression or intented ridge-like hole in the middle of the cervix is called THE OS; it's the doorway to your cervical canal which is about 1 inch long and lined with tiny mucus-secreting glands; lots of that lovely pussy goo {Vaginal Discharge, Mucus, or Secretions} comes from here. The cervical canal is also the hallway to your uterus {Womb}. No tampon, finger, or penis can pass up through the os, but it can expand for a baby to come out. Pretty fucking cool {Pretty remarkable}, huh? Too bad lots of women have to die very painfully and for no reason because some idiot thought they could stick a wire hanger up there for an illegal abortion.

PART II: USING A SPECULUM TO SEE YOUR CERVIX

Before beginning this adventure, you'll ned to get a speculum, a flashlight, a hand-held mirror, and possibly some lube {and some water based lubrication}. YOUR SPECULUM is for you and you alone {Do Not Let Others Use It due to the Risk of Infection and Disease}. Wash it after every use with an antiseptic soap or a very weak bleach mix {10% solution: 1 part bleach and 9 parts water}, and when you're not using it {the speculum} keep it in a clean plastic bag {Zip Lock Bag}. If you do not share it, you do not need to worry about gettig any weird diseases from putting it inside you. Check out how it works before sticking it in your cunt {Vaginas Opening or the Vaginal Orfice}. Practice opening and closing it a few times {before using}. To open, push the handles together and press down with your thumb. It's al lot easier to do outside your pussy {Vagina} than {when it is} inside. Most importantly, relax. Putting a speculum in at first can be difficult and frustrating. Remember the first time you had to use a tampon? Or the first time a sponge, diaphragm, etc. got stuck in there? Practice makes it easier. Also, speculums are designed for doctors to use on you; no one's designed one for women to use on themselves (evil gynos worry that they won't get so much cash out of us){I would have excluded this comment}. If putting it in hurts too much, then spend more time exploring your external anatomy and fingering {Massaging} yourself before trying again -- especially if you are not used to staring at, playing with, or shoving things up your pussy {Vagina}. Be gentle with yourself, don't force it. If you have penises and/or dildoes {Pessisaries or vibrators} inside of you regularly, your vagina is probably stretched enough to start out with a medium-sized speculum. Otherwise, start with a small one. {Note: They make them for juvinilles sizes and disposable ones with clear plastic, in fact, if a clear one is used on you, at a pelvic exam ask for it, since it will be thrown away and not reused. You or your insurance paid for it}.

HOW TO INSERT A SPECULUM

1. Lie down, prop your back up with pillows and spread those luscious legs {spread open your legs open and raised like at a pelvic exam-Lithotomy Position}.
2. Insert the speculum into your body with the duckbill closed, handles separate, and loose. I find it more comfortable to insert mine sideways and turn it. If you don't have too many natural juices going {secretions or mucus} on, putting a little KY jelly on the duckbill might help, but don't goop it on so thick your can't see which juice {substance} is you {yours} and which is the lube!
3. Once you stick it in, clasp the handles together to open the duckbill and separate the walls of the cunt. To open it wider and lock it in the open position, press down with your thumbs until it clicks no more and is all the way open.

PART III: MEET YOUR CERVIX!

So you've gotten it in and gotten it open. Shining the flashlight into the mirror will give you a view of the inside of your pussy {cervix}. If you can't see your cervix, bear down like you're taking a shit {having a BM-Bowel Movement} -- check also to make sure the speculum is open to the widest position. If you have a long vagina you might want to try just before or after your period (when the cervix is at its most visible in the vaginal cavity). Or try on the lightest day of your blood flow wehn it's easy to see the blood coming out of the cervical os. If your vagina is very fleshy, and pads of fat are bulging around the blades of the speculum, try a larger size, or inserting the speculum sideways. So now you check out your insides... groovy. Look at the colors and textures. If you are pregnant, your cervix (as well as the walls of your cunt){Vaginal Walls} might be a little blue to bright blue; in older women it might be pale pink. Repeat self-exams will cue you into the natural condition of your own {reprocuctive organs}. And don't be ashamed by the amount of mucus!!! It's natural and unless the goo is accompanied by weird smells{malodorous} or itching {irritated}, don't worry about it. {If they are malodorous or irritated go to your GYN}. Excerpted with permission from The Urban Herbalist, WHAM!'s newsletter of self-help healthcare, herbal healing, and sexual adventure. For information about back issues, send SASE to The Urban Herbalist, P.O. Box 974, Canal St. Station, New York, NY 10013.