Scene: George Burns has just dove into a pool to rescue a small child. Following the incident Gracie enters to find George still in the pool...
Gracie: George Burns, the idea of swimming with your clothes on. That's a fine example to set for those children. Look at you, you're soaking wet. If you're going to stay in the pool any longer at least put on some dry clothes.

Gracie: Spell the word "to."
Mickey Rooney: T-O, t-o-o, or t-w-o.
Gracie: Oh, no. You don't get three chances.

Even playing the straight man, Gracie was the funny one...
George: If I should say to you, "Why are apples green?" all you have to do is repeat the same thing. You say, "I don't know. Why are apples green?"
Gracie: I get the idea. I repeat what you say and then you tell the answer.
George: That's it. Well, here we go. What fellow in the army wears the biggest hat?
Gracie: I don't know. Why are apples green?
George: Now don't be silly. When I say, "What fellow in the army wears the biggest hat?" you must say, "I don't know. What fellow in the army wears the biggest hat?"
Gracie: Oh, I got it. Yeah, you're the comedian.
George: All right now. What fellow in the army wears the biggest hat?
Gracie: The fellow with the biggest head.
George: I certainly am the comedian.

Gracie: Is this the biggest hospital in town?
Nurse: Yes, this is the General Hospital.
Gracie: Good, I'd like to speak to the head man. Is the General in?
Nurse: The General?
Gracie: Well, if he's not in I'll speak to someone even lower: a private.
Nurse: There is no private here either.
Gracie: Oh, there must be. His name is right on that door: "Private Ward."

Gracie: You can't eat these peaches, it's twelve o'clock!
Harry Morton: What has that got to do with it?
Gracie: It says right here: should serve from two to four.