Training with Ex -- was:
Dojo / Personal Life
(Extracted from Aikido-L)
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 11:19:18 +0000
From: Mike ?
Subject: Not OT :o)
As an illustrative example, my ex-girlfriend stopped Aikido a little after we
split up (I suppose because she felt uncomfortable being on the mat while
I was there amongst other things). But her current boyfriend who she started
seeing a little while after me is my sempai, and now that we've got to the
same rank we are frequently partnered together as we are often the only two
shodan grades on the mat. This has been quite awkward for me at least and him as
well to a certain extent I suppose, because as a general rule we tended to avoid
partnering each other before, whereas now we kind of have to at times.
I'm sure that there are other sorts of personal relationships between people in
a dojo that can cause tension, so how are they usually dealt with where
you guys practice?
I know that my teacher's teacher would often just say to the people concerned
that they had a few weeks to sort it out or he was closing the dojo, something
which he did do if it came to that. Kind of 'this pettyness isn't very aiki, so
if you can't fix it yourselves and soon then I'll close the dojo'
Any thoughts?
Mike Haft
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Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 07:05:30 -0500
From: Monica Norman
Subject: Dojo/Personal Life was Re: Not OT :o)
Heh. A few thoughts spring to mind, yes :-). Speaking for myself...I try very
hard to keep all that personal stuff, good as well as bad, out of the dojo.
Whatever emotional turmoil is going on in my life gets left behind when I step
onto the mat. Can't say I've been 100% successful, but I think I do a pretty
good job most of the time.
Monica
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Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 04:39:07 -0800
From: m kelly
Subject: Re: Not OT :o)
Hello Mike,
My previous school ( a place that studied striking
almost but not quite to the exclusion of joint
manipulation and throws) practiced a fairly strict
regimentation... colored belts for rank and a heirarchy
that stressed the chain of command. I make it sound
like boot camp- it wasn't. But we didn't have horse
play, little or no joking during class, and we
practiced a sort of pseudo- japanese etiquette that
Chuck Gordon and others like to smile at. It all
served at least one purpose- we had very little
problem, that i saw, with personality conflicts. Not
that there weren't people who didn't get along, but
they kept it off the mat and never had much
opportunity to let it on the mat, since our,,,'ritual'
didn't allow a place for that.
Class was usually big, I think that had a lot to do
with it. I think the rest was a fringe benefit.
-Martin
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Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 08:11:46 -0800
From: Cindy
Subject: Re: Not OT :o)
Hm...insofar as I met my ex on the mat, I suppose that biases my viewpoint :).
But more seriously, our dojo practices a good deal of formal etiquette on the
mat. That seems to keep interpersonal dynamics down quite a bit (although I can
easily see my sensei intervening in some way if it got noticeable).
Also, if I compare the different dojos I've been in, there was a lot more going
on in the university dojo (with lots of single students) than in this one (where
most ppl are already married, thank goodness).
>As an illustrative example, my ex-girlfriend stopped Aikido a little
>after we split up (I suppose because she felt uncomfortable being on
>the mat while I was there amongst other things). But her current
>boyfriend who she started seeing a little while after me is my
>sempai, and now that we've got to the same rank we are frequently
>partnered together as we are often the only two shodan grades on the
>mat. This has been quite awkward for me at least and him as well to
>a certain extent I suppose, because as a general rule we tended to
>avoid partnering each other before, whereas now we kind of have to
>at times.
Tangential question: why would you partner up with other same rank all the time
on the mat? And even if you did for one technique, by the next technique you
move on to someone else. In my experience, emphasis is placed on mixing more
advanced students with less advanced students; if anything that both of you are
same rank would suggest to me you'd be less often partnered (except perhaps in
an advanced class) so I found that observation interesting...
--Cindy
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Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 19:50:41 +0000
From: Mike ?
Subject: Re: Not OT :o)
You kind of nailed it in the 'advanced class' bit, I only get to train at our hq
dojo twice a month for special monthly training sessions, if we happen to be
practicing things that are done at a blackbelt level then you're best to
practice with another blackbelt (preferably of your level, so in my case shodan),
if you're 3rd kyu you practice the same thing but at a 3rd kyu level.
Of course these different levels of techniques are based around a grading
syllabus, so if we are practicing the syllabus it is best to practice with
someone of your level.
When we have just your average type class then obviously its mixed up all the
time.
Mike
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Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 17:51:56 -0500
From: Scooterman
Subject: Re: OT- ex s/o's & Aikido
[ * Moderator: Cut * ]
... So what do I think of the relationships in the Dojo??
For the one married couple in *MY* dojo, it's cool... except the time that her
husband couldn't properly help his partner training for their test because he
was too busy watching me train for my own test with his wife. [So it SEEMED, at
any rate].
There's a bloke that's been gone a good long while, but came back... but only
seems [now] to be able to make it the same nights as a woman who had also been
gone a good long while. If'n she was even remotely "my type", I wouldn't give
her the time if'n I worked for TIMEX out of respect of my dojo-mate [who I don't
even know, really... other than this is "his dojo"].
[ * Moderator: Cut * ]
That's my .02
Scoot
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Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 12:15:25 -0800
From: Flying Monkey
Subject: Re: Not OT :o)
Only example I can think of is a married couple we have, both 2nd kyu. They
seem okay with it and it's a really interesting thing for me because sometimes I
get to play with both of them at once. It's fun to compare their similarities
over time. For example, I could tell that she helped him prepare for his 2nd
kyu test because before he tested he had a very distinctive style with more
sharp edges. She likes the sweeping circles and he seemed to have picked them
up from her. Spotting the differences is fun, too. She also usually has more
power in her techniques than he does, but he has better back breakfalls (OTOH, I
think he has a slight advantage there... She got pregnant... *grin*). Great and
wonderful fun to practice with them both. Kind of makes me want to practice
with twins so I can compare them, too...
:oP
Angie
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Last updated on 13 Sep 2002