LarBear's Jokes

Hello! This page, as you may have guessed, contains jokes on it! I've collected jokes (and some other funnies) that I've heard, and some I've found on the web, and put them on this page. I will update it whenever I get another joke or two, so if you have one you'd like me to post, mail me!

Actual Newspaper Headlines:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Island
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields COuple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children When Baking Cookies
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Lawyer Jokes:

There was a Lawyer Convention not too long ago out in California. And at this convention the Lawyers were supposed to take some kind of bus tour. Unfortunately, the bus went over the side of a cliff and everyone died. But y'know what the real tragedy was? There were some empty seats.

One day a Lawyer accidentally stepped in a Cow Pie. For no apperant reason he started screaming bloody murder! When the rancher finally calmed him down enough to ask him what the problem was, the lawyer pointed toward his foot and shouted, "I'm melting! I'm melting!"

There were an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Lawyer, and a Wyoming Cowboy are all out on a hunting trip. One night, around the campfire, they are all bragging and telling stories about one thing or another. Suddenly, the Englishman finishes off his bottle of Irish Whiskey, throws it up in the air, pulls out his revolver, shoots the bottle, and yells, "God save the Queen!" Not to be outdone, the Frenchman polishes off his bottle of White Wine, throws it up in the air, shoots it and yells, "Viva la Fance!" Well, the Wyoming Cowboy won't be outdone either, so he dirnks the last drop in his bottle of Old Millwalkee Beer, throws it up in the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the lawyer and yells, "It doesn't get any better than this!"

Musician Jokes:

Did you hear about the drummer that graduated high school?
Me either.

Why did the guitarist have a pair of drumsticks on the dashboard of his car?
So he could park in the handicapped section.

What do you call two French Horns playing in unison?
A Minor Second.

Why is a drum solo like a good sneeze?
You know it's coming but there's never anything you can do about it.

Blonde Jokes:

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

If a blonde and a brunett jump off a cliff, which one hits first?
The blonde, because she has to stop and ask directions.

What sound is this? Vrrr. Rrrrch! Vrrr. Rrrrch! Vrrr. Rrrrch! Vrrr. Rrrrch! Vrrr. Rrrrch!
A blonde going through a blinking red light.

There's a blonde, a brunette, and a red head in kindergarten. Which one has the best body?
The Blonde, because she's 18.

Computer Jokes:

Last year a freind upgraded GirlFreind 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that it soon began spawning child-processes that are consuming valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. My freind is finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3 and BeerBash 2.5 are no longer able to run, crashing the system whenever selected (even though they always worked fine before).
As a result, I decided to avoid all of the problems associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 1.0. Even here, however, I found many headaches. For example, the uninstall program for GirlFreind 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Even worse, all versions of GirlFreind constantly pop up little annoying messages- about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

What is the Difference between IBM and Jurassic Park?
One is a theme park full of ancient mechanical monsters that scare its customers; the other is a movie.

The Nebraskan's Guide to Computer Lingo:

Modem: What you did to the hayfields.
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Log on: Making the wood stove hotter.
Hard Drive: Getting home during mud season.
Microchips: What are left in the bag when the big chips are gone.
Download: Getting the firewood off the pickup.
Megahertz: What you get when you're not careful downloading.

A helicopter was flying toward Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aicraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the extreme haze that day, the pilot now had no way of determining the course to the airport. All he could make out was a tall building nearby, so he moved closer to it, quickly wrote out a large sign reading "Where am I?" and held it in the chopper's window.
Responding quickly, the people in the building penned a large sign of their own. It read: "You are in a helicopter." The pilot smiled, and within minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft building," the pilot replied, "because like any computer company's help staff, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Misc. Jokes:

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

"Everyone stand back, I think I lost a contact!"
"Someone call the janitor, we're gonna need a mop and a bucket!"
"Sterile, schmerile; at least the operating-room floor is clean."
"Hey, that's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?"

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

God decided it was time to end the world, so he called together those whom he considered the three most influential people in the world- Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro, and Bill Gates. "The world will end," God told them. "You must go tell the people."
President Clinton made a live statement on CNN. "I have good news and I have bad news," he said. "The good news is that we have been right, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world."
Castro sent out a worldwide message to all Communists. "I have bad news and worse news," he said. "The bad news is that we have been wron all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world."
Bill Gates got on his computer and sent out a worldwide e-mail on the Internet. "I have good news and I have better news," he wrote. "The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most influential people in the world. The better news is that we don't have to upgrade Windows95!"

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune."

In the Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that He would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light our half the time.

God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."

The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and trees bearing fruit."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take a least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. The there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point God created Hell.

The Best Bumper Stickers of 1997

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Honk If You Haven't Slept With Bill Clinton.
I.R.S.- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats... They taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery- A tax on people who are bad at math.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Cynical Wisdom

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is and awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-- it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Guests who kill talk show hosts-- On the last Geraldo.
Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-- they don't expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all you other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
And finally...
Chastity is curable, if detected early.

WARNING!!!

This little story may be a tad offensive to some, so if you are easily offended, don't read it!

WARNING!!!

The Creation of a Candy Bar

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how's you like to Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was in to M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Watchamacallit and slip it up your Ho-Ho and I'll give you a Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was too!) She screamed, "Oh your Crackerjack tastes better than your Three Musketters!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, whe started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped................... Baby Ruth!

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