1. Tarzan lives in a jungle with no bugs.
Johnny lives on a desert planet with no water.

2. Zantar pays no income tax on all his jewels and gold.
Big John is always fighting for his empire.

3. Tarzan got more press coverage from ERB.
Carter had to scrounge for a place after the trilogy.

4. Tarzan was always fighting off the babes.
Dejah laid eggs.

5. Tarzan's kid went away to live with an ape.
John's kid was panting behind the throne.

6. Tarzan didn't wear a wristwatch.
Carter had to attend formal occasions.

7. Tarzan's meals were on the hoof.
Carter had to eat cheese and acidic milk made from a large plant.

8. Tarzan spoke 24 languages and dialects.
Carter had to go around talking like a 19th Century stiff.

9. Tarzan rode around on Tantor.
Carter had to ride those damned thoats.

10. Tarzan brought home the bacon for Burroughs.
Carter was just an old, sentimental buddy who drank his wine.

[Note from Elmo: I think Carter comes out on top on that last one....]

Top Ten Reasons Why Carson Napier Would Kick David Innes Butt

10. Two words. Astral Projection

9. Carson's too smart to fall for that 'inside of a bowl' nonsense

8. Ray guns are cooler than six-guns

7. Aiming for Mars and hitting Venus beats wanting to burrow down a few feet, and going to the Earth's Core.

6. David had to have a wacky scientist friend, Carson Was the wacky scientist

5. Ask yourself which is cooler, Anotar or Mole?

4. 'David' is so plebian, 'Carson' has that aristocratic ring

3. You're rich, where would you hang out, New England or Baja California?

2. Being red-blooded American sailors captured by Germans, beats being a whip-weilding artificial man (oops, wrong list)

1. Ulysses Paxton would whip both their asses.

Top Ten Reasons Caspak is Better than Pellucidar

10. Weiroos are spookier than Mahars.

9. Never have to worry about taking a nap and waking up to discover that the wife and kids have grown old and died.

8. Hijacking a u-boat to get there is easier than inventing an iron mole or building a dirigible.

7. Marriage laws are more flexible.

6. No bible-quoting inventors who swear like pirates.

5. Tarzan probably wouldn't get lost.

4. Doug McClure sucked in both movies, but he sucked worse in "At the Earth's Core." And "The Land That Time Forgot" gets bonus points for not having Peter Cushing in it.

3. Von Shoenvorts is more sly than Hooja. And uglier than Jubal.

2. "Dian the Beautiful." Talk about vain!

1. Two words: "Fort Dinosaur."

Top Ten Reasons John Carter is Better than Tarzan

By Elmo

10. Woola would eat Jad-bal-ja for lunch and use Nkima as an after-dinner mint.

9. John Carter's sword is bigger than Tarzan's hunting knife.

8. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

7. Never had dozens of really bad movies made about him.

6.When John Carter's son was 10, he helped the old man lead a slave revolt against the evil goddess of Life and Death. When Tarzan's son was 10, he ran away from home with an old ape.

5. John Carter arrived naked on another planet, and rose to become Warlord of all Barsoom. After all these years, Tarzan still pretty much just runs around naked.

4. When John Carter's wife is lost, her father launches 10,000 battle ships and starts massive wars. When Tarzan's wife is lost, her father wanders around the jungle saying "Tut-tut."

3. John Carter's best friend is a 15-foot green guy with four arms, tusks, and a big honking sword. Tarzan's best friend is a Frenchman.

2. Tarzan had to take pills to become immortal. John Carter was just born that way.

1. Four words: The incomparable Dejah Thoris.

The Top Ten Reasons John Carter is Better than Tarzan

10.) Woola would eat Jad-bal-ja for lunch and use Nkima as an after-dinner mint.

(This is more proof that everyone is trying to eat little Nkima.) Woola just is a dog with too many legs.

9.) John Carter's sword is bigger than Tarzan's hunting knife.

Who did the measurements?

8.) Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is that Tiggers are wonderful things.
Their tops are made out of rubber,
Their bottoms are made out of springs.

7.) Never had dozens of really bad movies made about him.

Carter does not have his Elmo.

6.) When John Carter's son was 10, he helped the old man lead a slave revolt against the evil goddess of Life and Death. When Tarzan's son was 10, he ran away from home with an old ape.

Old apes find the best grubs.

5.) John Carter arrived naked on another planet, and rose to become Warlord of all Barsoom. Tarzan still pretty much just runs around naked.

Running around naked is always preferable to being a warlord, in fact, it's almost preferrable to doing anything else.

4.) When John Carter's wife is lost, her father launches 10,000 battle ships and starts massive wars. When Tarzan's wife is lost, her father wanders around the jungle saying "Tut-tut."

You can choose your wife, but ya can't pick your in-laws.

3.) John Carter's best friend is a 15-foot green guy with four arms, tusks, and a big honking sword. Tarzan's best friend is a Frenchman.

Tarzan's real friends (the jungle beasties) don't talk very much. And they all run around naked.

2.) Tarzan had to take pills to become immortal. John Carter was just born that way.

Tarzan won't have to live forever on a planet with deformed creatures who wear jeweled harnesses and try to stab you in the back.

1.) Four words: The incomparable Dejah Thoris.

Tarzan can visit La anytime he needs more . . . gold.