DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully don't belong to me. Chris Carter
owns 'em and so does his company 1013 Productions and FOX. I'm
borrowing them without permission, but please don't sue me
because I really don't have any money. All you will get is my
huge 520+ photo collection of David Duchovny and possibly my
X-Files Key Chain. The moral is: don't sue me. I'm not worth
it. Songs used throughout will also carry seperate disclaimers
at the end of each part.
CATEGORY: MSR, Angst, Novel (no really, it's a novel)
RATING: PG-13/R Some cussing due to extreme emotional
situations. I will warn readers at beginning of each part to
how much there is.
****Abyss--No cussing
****Light--
****Fissure--
****Eclipse--Most cussing in series--Mild R/Strong PG-13
SPOILERS: SEASON 4 FINALE SPOILERS!!!!! Relationship, sap, and
angst warnings also apply.
DETICATION: To God as always. :)
FEEDBACK: Always welcome at kjones-731@worldnet.att.net OR
xphile324@geocities.com
---------
Turn Around...
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never
comin' round.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of list'ing to the
sound of my tears.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of
all the years have gone by.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see
the look in your eyes.
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Every now and then I fall apart.
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Every now and then I fall apart.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of
something wild.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying
like a child in your arms.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got
to get out and cry.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see
the look in your eyes.
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Every now and then I fall apart.
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Every now and then I fall apart.
And I need you now tomight and I need you more than ever,
And if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever.
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong.
Together we can take it to the end of the line.
Your love is like a shad on me all of the time.
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight,
Forever's gonna start tonight.
Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling
apart.
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's
only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Turn Around...
Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always
wanted to be.
Turn Around...
But every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who
wanted me the way I am.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as
magical and wondrous as you.
Turn Around...
Every now and then I know there's nothing any better, there's
nothing that I just wouldn't do.
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Every now and then I fall apart.
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Every now and then I fall apart.
And I need you now tomight and I need you more than ever,
And if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever.
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong.
Together we can take it to the end of the line.
Your love is like a shad on me all of the time.
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight,
Forever's gonna start tonight.
Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling
apart.
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's
only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.
A total eclipse of the heart, a total eclipse of the heart.
Turn Around, Bright Eyes...
Turn Around, Bright Eyes, Turn Around...
***Sung by Bonnie Tyler
****Written by Jim Steinman
--------
**********************
Phases of the Heart - Eclipse
By Xphile 324
**********************
X-x-X-x-X
He stood there staring at the door, wishing he would wake up
and find out this horrible situation was all a dream. Sighing
as he swallowed hardly, he knocked meekly on the apartment door
and glanced at her overnight bag. It was one of the few
possessions he had that was hers and now he had to return it to
her along with the key he kept in his jeans' pocket. Tears
threatened to spill down his face as she opened the door. He
continued to look at the floor as she eyed him in his blue
jeans, grey T-shirt, and black leather jacket, all drenched from
the storm. After a few moments he looked up at her, his dark,
sorrowful hazel pair of eyes meeting her pair of watery blue.
"Mulder," she whispered as she stepped back inviting him in.
He nodded at her weekend attire--black sweat pants and white
T-shirt. Both stood there, staring, each trying to burn the
image of the other into their minds--it would be the last time
they could. Scully held out her hand and Mulder turned his eyes
from her to her silent gesture. Ironic that only now, when he
knew she would be gone in the morning, would he recognize such a
petty, but incredibly beautiful detail of this woman he called
co-worker, partner, friend......Scully. He took her hand in his
and walked in quietly as she shut the door. After dropping her
overnight bag by the door, he stood before her, unsure of what
to say, to do, to think, to express.
"I-," he started, but stopped. Her eyes darted from the
precise curve of his jaw to his eyes in a nanosecond. He bit
his lower lip, chewing on it, trying to say everything and
nothing in one breath. She took his other hand and squeezed
them, encouraging him to go on. He turned his intense eyes back
to her, releasing her hands. Placing his hands on the sides of
her face, he swallowed again.
"I came," he whispered hoarsely, "to say goodbye." She looked
away and tried to dispel the sudden realization his words had
caused. Breaking free from his grasp, she walked toward the
window, watching the raging storm and wrapping her arms around
her stomach, gathering her thoughts. He watched her, wishing he
could somehow stop the pain she felt. Sighing quietly, she
turned to face him.
"Mulder--" she looked at him and stopped mid-sentence the
grave, slightly fearful look on his face. He wasn't supposed to
be like this, so......burdened. She wrung her hands into a
tight ball as the flashes of lightening cast shadows on the
floor. She at last met his gaze, then walked to him, stopping
mere inches from his tall form. "Mulder," she whispered, "I'm
moving. Nothing more. It still won't change--" He violently
pulled away and turned from her.
"Like hell," he said rasing his voice. Scully stayed where she
was and tried to contain her growing fury. "Whether you want to
admit it or not, Scully, things *will* change. You can't
deny--"
"Mulder, I'm moving!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, "I'm
not dying!" The thunder of the tempest clapped. He turned at
looked at her, his eyes a wild gold, full of shock, fear, and
revelation all at once. The silence cloaked them, her ragged,
uneven, angry breathing and the rain its only fissures. He
stared at her, his face reflecting first shock, then morphing to
concern and finally settling on panic-driven fear. Her face
grew cold with her voice. "What?" she asked crossly, not
wishing to be treated like fine china. The fear vanished and
the concern returned with a sort of tender look she couldn't
quite explain. He moved to stand closer to her.
"But you are," he whispered passionately. Her face fell and
she hung her head.
"Don't start," she begged her hand extended in a halting
gesture, her eyes closed. "Please......don't start." He
ignored her false wish and drew nearer to her.
"But you are," he whispered. She cocked her head back and put
on a skeptical look. "You have cancer--"
"Yes, I have cancer," she replied looking him sharply in the
eyes. "Yes, I will die someday, but we all do." Mulder looked
away quickly then back at her.
"But that's just the point," he said angrily. "What if when
you move tomorrow, you die? And I wasn't there?" She avoided
his eyes. "I would never forgive myself."
"Mulder, you're not my father," she accused. "This is *my*
life and I will continue to live with or without--" she stopped
when he turned away. A faint murmur cut through the thunder and
rattling of the window. She walked up behind him and touched
his arm. "What is it?" she asked gently. His eyes uneasily met
hers as he spoke.
"I would die for you," he whispered. She looked away and
sucked in a sharp breath as he continued. "Why won't you let me
help you through this?" Walking toward the window, looking at
the storm, Scully tried to avoid the question for so long. Now
it was at the fore front. She sighed quietly as she watched the
trees being whipped and torn my the wind.
"It's--" she sighed, "It's not your fight, Mulder." She
finished flatly. "It's something I have to face--alone." He
turned her around.
"No, you don't," he argued as his eyes pleaded. Thrusting a
hand at herself, she pointed at her rapidly beating heart.
"But it's my body," she forced through clinched teeth and
tear-filled eyes. He dropped his hands to his sides and tilted
his head back, sighing painfully and pacing. "We both know
there is nothing you can do to stop this cancer. It's *my*
fight and I need to fight it alone for myself--for both of us."
He abruptly looked at her.
"Then let me lend you some of my strength," he begged again as
he walked closer to her. "Let me be the one to help wipe the
blood from your nose. Let me be the one to take you to your
treatments. Let me be the one to hold your hair back from your
face as you vomit from the radiation and chemotherapy. Let me
be the one you call at three in the morning after you've had
another nightmare, and please, for *both* our sake's, let me be
the one to answer your call and cradle you in my arms when the
pain becomes too much." His voice cresendoed and cracked
slightly on the last sentence, his open hands held out in front
of him, an invitation. The tears had begun and she wrapped her
arms around his waist desperately clinging as she cried.
Placing his chin atop her head, he hugged her tightly,
whispering words of comfort into her hair.
The air grew more tense and the apartment shook as a clap of
thunder cut through the air. She jumped and froze as the lights
in the room flickered, then died. Scully allowed her eyes to
adjust to the dark.
"The power's out," she mumbled as she stepped back. "I'll go
get some candles." Mulder nodded and watched her leave, wiping
her tears as she walked, then return with four candles in her
left hand and another lit in the opposite. As he watched her,
he tried to ignore the effect of the candlelight had on her, but
that was futile in the end. He helped light the four remaining
candles as she ran back to get more. He met her halfway.
"I'll take some of those," he said taking a handful of candles.
She nodded quietly and returned to her position on the opposite
side of the coffee table from Mulder sitting indian style on the
floor. He looked directly at her, waiting for her to finally
meet his gaze. "Scully," he said, "can I ask you a personal
question?" She looked at him, slightly shocked, then
rationalized that Mulder would just cut straight to the chase.
"Sure," she said. "You know you can." He nodded, biting his
lip and casting his eyes on the table top once more, drawing
imaginary patterns on its surface with the tip of his finger.
He lifted his eyes to hers.
"Will you miss me?" he asked in a hushed voice. The silence of
the room grew louder and the thunderstorm seemed to have
disappeared from their universe. She stared at him dumbly now,
overwehlmed he would be concerned whether or not she would miss
him, something she considered trite to the other matters she
thought he would be concerned about. Finally, she smiled.
"Of course, I'll miss you, Mulder," she replied. The corners
of his mouth hinted at a smile, but he seemed to be relieved
from her response, as if it were a load of bricks he had carried
on his back all this time. "Did you honestly believe that I
would not miss you?"
"I was just--" he began, looking at the table again and paused.
"I needed to know I wasn't the only one." She nodded at the
statement, relating to it too well. Setting herself further
back from the table, she sighed and fidgeted with her hands
before tucking her auburn locks behind her ears, trying to stall
her own moment of truth. Clearing her throat, she looked down
at her hands as she gathered up her courage.
"Mulder," she asked quietly, "I've been meaning to ask you--"
she threw her head back and stared at the dark ceiling then
returned her eyes to her hands, "....a....well, a favor." He
looked at her, burning holes into the top of her head as she
nodded.
"Name it," he whispered. She finally met his eyes and
continued fidgeting with her hands. Although she had known him
for years, *that* stare was enough to crack diamonds--currently,
she was one of them.
"Could you," she started haltingly, "could you promise me
that.....you'll continue to search for Samantha and for.....the
people responsible for my--"
"Abduction," he finished flatly. She looked back to her lap
and nodded silently. Now he was the shocked one. He thought
she would make him promise to clean his apartment more often,
get a girlfriend so he could eat a well-balenced meal, feed the
goldfish, visit her mother, to write her, but promise to
continue his search was the *last* thing he expected. He'd do
that without question, as if it were instinct instead of
something willed. After a few moments of silence for him to
recover, Scully had finally looked up at him, meeting his gaze
with one just as determined.
"Of course, I will," he said taking her hand across the table.
"Did you really think that I wouldn't continue because you and I
weren't.....in the same city?" She bowed her head again, trying
to somehow bring this up as gently as possible. "What is it?"
he whispered. She met his eyes again, letting the cat out of
the bag.
"It's just.....the last time I was.....well, taken from you,"
she stopped trying to avoid his reaction, "you kind of.....let
yourself fall into a bottomless pit." He sat back and released
her hand. "Mulder, I talked to my mother...and to Skinner. You
were so......lost." He stared at the floor and mentally
chuckled at the irony. "It's just that I don't want you to stop
searching because of me. You don't need to sacrifice your
happiness for me and please, for me, *don't.*"
"But I *did,*" he countered returning his eyes to hers, "and
I'd do it again--in a heartbeat. No questions asked." She
gaped at him and stood, pacing frantically.
"Mulder, you were down right suicidal!" she yelled at him, the
thunder booming behind her. He stood and looked at her with a
furious glare, his eyes a dark green.
"Who told you?" he asked angrily. She stopped pacing and
looked out the window. "Who told you I was suicidal?"
Reluctantly, she turned to face him again.
"It doesn't matter," she said flatly. "All I need to know is
if you were." He turned away and looked at the ceiling, letting
out a deep sigh. "Well," she asked quietly, "were you?" He put
his hands on his hips and stared at the floor, whispering his
reply. She walked closer. "Were you?" she asked touching him.
"Yes," he answered his eyes metting hers again, and locked.
She gasped and let the information sink in.
"When? Where?" she asked urgently.
"The night you started to slip away," he said, still holding
her eyes captive. "I was told by X that *they* would come to
ransack my apartment that night. I was planning to surprise
them, but as I sat there waiting, I stared at my gun, in the
dark, wishing to end my misery." He stopped as her face
recoiled and her eyes, though furious, began to pool tears.
"Melissa came and told me you were slipping, but she wouldn't
let me alone. She convinced me to come and.....to keep vigil."
Although she wanted to deck him for his utter stupidity and lash
out at him, she remained calm--she had to hear the whole story.
"What," she sighed, "what did she say to you?" Mulder sighed
deeply and backed away from her slightly. He remained quiet.
"She said I should go visit--"
"What *exactly* did she say, Mulder?" Scully demanded. "Word
for word." He broke the eye contact and looked away then stared
at her shoes as he told her.
"She said," he began quietly, "....that you needed me down at
the hospital and that...ah, I kept walking to 'the darkness.'"
He shrugged and chuckled dryly. "Melissa said that walking into
this 'darkness' wouldn't help you any and that by staying at
your bedside, although it may not bring you back, at least you
would know how.....how I felt." Scully mentally smiled at the
oh-so-typical-Melissa-sounding speech. Despite Mulder's obvious
discomfort, she took his hand and forced him to stay where he
was standing.
"How did you feel?" she whispered. He broke away from her and
walked to the opposite side of the room, trying to get her to go
onto another subject. Remembering the pain was too much at
times, especially when he knew she would be gone in the morning,
off to catch a flight to Florida and, as far as he knew, never
return. She walked up behind him and took his hand and sat down
on the floor, welcoming him to sit beside her. He willingly
followed her like a rag doll and sat beside her, looking at her
for the first time since he spilled his guts to her.
Really, she was beautiful, he'd known that forever, but that
just complicated things even more. He knew he would have to
tell her sometime and it seemed judgment day was upon him. The
candlelight, although soft on her face as well as his own, did
nothing to comfort him, but tortured him instead, giving him yet
another reminder of what he had resisted for years, but now
seemed within reach--oh, so with reach, but never at a higher
cost.
She looked at him, looking at her. Something in his eyes made
her wonder what he was thinking, but part of her already knew
and that's what scared her. She looked away from him, before
asking him again.
"How did you feel?" she asked quietly. He quickly tried to get
up but she stopped him with a hand on his arm. Looking up at
him, she tried to persuade him to stay. "Please tell me," she
whispered. "You've been wanting to tell someone for sometime
now. Tell me....please?" He just looked at her dumbly
expecting an interruption, but even the rain had quieted down
for this. Returning to his place beside her, he looked at the
coffee table a few feet away. She inched closer to him, trying
to get him to open up. "I know it's hard for you, Mulder, but I
need to know and I think you need--"
"I don't want to talk about it!" he forced. She nodded.
"I know," she said ruffling his hair, "I know you don't, but
you've got to deal with it sometime." She paused. "Tell me,
Mulder." He finally relaxed a little and let the floodgate go.
It was time.
"Do you really want to know how I felt?" he asked shrugging out
of her grasp. He looked down at her, pinning her eyes with his
gaze. "What it's like to have your worst nightmare come true?
To know it's all your fault and you can't do a damn thing about
it? To spend months worrying and hoping only to watch someone
you love slowly waste away?"
He turned his head and looked out the window into the raging
storm, wishing again he could somehow make this easier. She
stared at him, taking in his face with its soft curves in the
warm glow of candlelight. Her mouth hung open slightly, but she
quickly closed it and turned away as well.
She wasn't immune to him, and definitely not to the way he
looked now, so vulnerable and lost in the dim light it was
almost seductive. He was handsome, and she knew it--more than
she cared to admit. It was her excuse for holding him at an
arm's distance--to hide and control the unwanted desires that
raged within her. Now there were no excuses, no backdoors, no
escapes. He fidgeted with his hands, trying to relieve some of
the tension, then quietly bowed his head.
"It was hell, Dana," he whispered. Her head turned to him. He
slid his hands over his face as she reached to comfort him.
Brushing her aside, he stood.
"Mulder--" she said climbing to her feet. He stopped in his
tracks, his lanky frame slouched and defeated. She walked
around to stand in front of him, his eyes glowing as she looked
at them. "Mulder, what--" He placed two fingers lightly on her
lips.
"I couldn't save you," he whispered while he shook his head.
"After all you've done for me, I could have at least stopped him
from ever taking you." He looked around the room, his eyes
darting from one place to another, avoiding her eyes even as she
silently begged him to let her help. "I should have been here.
I should have realized that I was putting you in danger." He
paused and fought to control the pain, hidden and ignored, yet
healthily nurtured, as it threatened to overtake him. She
yearned to move closer to him, to wrap her arms around him, but
stood helplessly by, watching him fall apart, unable to stop the
onslaught memories and self-torture he had put himself through
for years. "I should have seen it, Scully," he breathed as his
eyes softened. "If I had been here, you wouldn't be dying.
It's all my fault," he said as he stepped away from her,
"....all my fault." He turned around, his fingers gently
slipping off her lips as he moved. Walking toward the door, he
grabbed his jacket on the chair, but her hand landed on his arm,
halting him. She looked up at him.
"Mulder, you had no idea," she said persistently.
"But it's *my* fault, Scully," he said jerking his arm free
from her grasp. "You said it yourself. They gave you this
cancer to make *me* believe. If I had--"
"They would have found another way even if you were there," she
pleaded. "I don't blame you, Mulder. I never have." Her head
bowed and he returned his wide eyes to her, surprised. "I know
you would have gladly taken my place," she rasped as she once
again met his eyes. "I would have done the same." Mulder
walked closer, shaking his head.
"Scully--"
"You brought me back, Mulder," she smiled tightly. "I felt you
near me. I knew you needed me, and....I came back." He came
closer and tried to stop her.
"Scully, please don't--"
"You *did* save me," she whispered as her fingers trailed down
his face. "And for that I am eternally thankful. I owe you my
life." He clasped her hand, his eye lids drifting down over his
eyes as he looked at it. She stood there, hoping she had said
the right things to him, to help heal him. Inwardly she wanted
to say more, the statement was so inadaquet. Opening her mouth,
she prepared to speak again, but the gentle sway of his head and
the slow motion of him returning her hand to her side halted her
words. Releasing her hand, his eyes turned back to hers, a
slight hint of regret lingered, but was quickly replaced by
determination. He watched her as he stepped back towards the
door and his escape.
"You don't owe me anything," he said softly. Anger grew in the
pit of her stomach and a bright flash of blue flew across her
eyes. Mulder observed the reaction calmly before continuing.
"I still couldn't save you," he insisted, then turned and
reached for his jacket again. Shaking her head, she walked
closer, having none of his self-condemnation and unrelenting
self-inflicted guilt. She reached out for him.
"Mulder--" He faced her again, slamming his fist on the chair.
"Damnit, Scully," he yelled, "I can't even save you now that
I'm here." Flinching, she stopped mid-stride at his outburst.
He looked at the floor, his entire body shaking and his feet
shuffling in frustration. "Now that They've done what They've
done to you, They return you and now I--I have to sit here and
watch helplessly as you die because of what They did. I can't
stop this cancer. There is nothing--*NOTHING* I can do."
Violently turning around, he put his hands on his hips and
stared out the window to the unseen stars, the tear glistening
in his eyes. "I've done countless hours of research--local
hospitals, specialists, military hospitals, experimental
treatments, the internet. I've asked the Gunmen. I've tried
Skinner. I've tried my contacts. I've even submitted myself to
that cancer breathing dragon." He chuckled dryly, painfully.
Her eyes widened.
"And all for what, Scully?" he asked facing her, his eyes a
bright gold in the dim light. "What have I got?" She shifted
uneasily and remained silent. "Nothing," he stated angrily.
"Not one alternative. Not one clue. Nothing." Standing to his
full height, he shifted his weight to his other foot and raked
his hands over his face, grasping for answers that weren't
there. She moved to him now, her scared resolve melting into
concern and a quiet tenderness.
"I--I--" he gulped as he put one hand across his forehead in
frustration. He turned to her. "I'm running out of places to
go and things to bargain with." Her arms quickly wrapped around
him, trying helplessly to comfort him. "And you're running out
of time," he whispered into her hair. She leaned back and
placed her finger on his lips.
"None of that," she said weakly. "We can't think--"
"We can't think what, Dana?" he interrupted, pulling her hand
away but still remaining in the circle of her arms. He looked
into her eyes, each pair clouding with the glossy veil of tears.
He had his hand on the side of her face, gliding his thumb over
the smooth skin of her cheek. She looked at him, her eyes wide,
trusting.
"That you're not dying?" he asked wearily. "That we can some
how beat this?" She shook her head slightly.
"We *will* beat this," she assured him, her voice slowly
growing desperate. "I won't let it beat me. It can't--"
"What if the treatm--"
"It *can't,* Mulder," she said with newfound conviction.
Closing her eyes, she swallowed and took in the heat of his
touch making slow circles on her left cheek. She opened her
eyes and stared into his, finding the support she needed.
"Regardless what this disease does to me, it will never beat
me," she whispered confidently.
"Scully, what if I fail?" She hushed him quickly, placing her
hand on his mouth, feeling his soft, hot breaths through her
fingers.
"You can't fail me, Mulder," she said looking at her hand on
his mouth. "This isn't about your search for a cure. This is
about--"
"But--" She quickly pressed her hand down on his mouth harder,
silencing him.
"I know you want to heal me," she said calmly. He nodded
faintly. "I know you would give everything--your life, the
X-Files, and maybe even Samantha." His eyes slid shut and he
breathed deeply, cleansingly as she stared at him. Her nose
wrinkled and she frowned, trying to hold back the impeding
tears. "But this isn't about that," she choked. "This isn't
about what you'd give. This is about what you've given." She
removed her hand from his mouth and turned from him, a single
tear escaping against her will. Wiping it away, she tried to
organize her thoughts--the way to tell him. He slouched and
sighed, resigning to his defeat.
"Apparently it wasn't enough," he said softly. Turning, she
faced him.
"What more could you have done?" she asked confronting him. He
tilted his head in thought then shrugged slightly.
"I don't know," he said. Her anger grew and she shot him a
battery of accusing glares.
"How--" she exasperated, "how could you even *think* that?"
She swallowed and touched her temple, placing her other hand on
her hip. "Why can't you realize that there is only so much you
can do? Can't you see that you've done all you can? Why--"
"Because I would be giving up," he looked at her, his face
reflecting no emotion, but his anger began to simmer, building
steadily to a rolling boil. She shifted her feet and sighed
disgustedly.
"Mulder, it doesn't work that way," she explained, her eyes
piercing his cool deminor. He listened, but inwardly hated
this. She was right, they both knew it, and he didn't want to
change his thinking. If he did, he would be lost--his hope
gone. "You're not giving up on me, you're--"
"That's the way I would see it," he pointed to himself, showing
the first signs of anger. She continued to direct her rage at
him, her eyes an icy blue. His dark green eyes burned brightly
as he spoke. "And I gotta live with it--with myself." She
walked closer to him, seemingly unaffected by his condemning
look.
"Why can't you see that I won't think any less of you?" she
asked, trying to connect to the small rational part of his
brain. "I wouldn't hate you if you decided to stop." He shook
his head.
"I would hate myself--" Her flame of anger burned with his,
igniting the air around them. She snapped, her frustration
taking over her.
"Mulder, why are you being so self-destructive when you don't
have to be?!?!" she yelled at him. He stepped closer to her,
taking her head in his hands and forced her to look into his
dark eyes.
"Because I--" He froze, his mouth open, the words stuck in his
throat. Staring at her, he knew all the reasons why and now he
couldn't say it. He couldn't tell her. His eyes shifted from a
blazing green to an even hotter brown until they were almost
black. This is what he wanted, and it all stood before him.
His face, no longer displaying anger, slowly softened as he
examined first her eyes then drifted from place to place on her
face, taking in each feature. This was what his fantasies were
made of--walking the fine edge of a dangerous razor just to feel
she was his, to know she was his. He could feel it now, that
strong connection, his anchor, as it threatened to drown him.
His hands longed to move over her face, her neck, the rest of
her, but stayed stationary. Moving would tell her what he
wanted, and she would run, he was sure of it.
Finally dragging his eyes from her mouth, he looked back into
hers, knowing he couldn't hide what was within him. Her eyes
searched his, reading his soul. She had always had questions,
now she had answers. Instantly she was aware of everything, as
though her senses had increased ten fold. His eyes became
lasers to her, his hearbeat--thunder, his touch--fire. Quickly
capping those thoughts down, she waited for him to decide what
to do. He saw her change, then released the breath he had been
unconsciously holding, letting her escape him as well. He
stepped back a few steps, trying to somehow cool the air that
was suddenly so hot.
"I better go," he mumbled, reaching for his jacket again. She
clinched her teeth and pressed her lips tightly together as she
ran into her bedroom and returned. He opened the door, part of
him regretting what he was about to do. She threw her body at
the door, slamming it. The sound echoed in the room, coupled
with the rumbling of the storm. Facing him, she put on a blank
face, not caring she had probably woken up more than half of her
neighbors at two in the morning. To her, he was more important.
"You can't leave yet," she accused. His shoulders sagged,
wanting to bolt, knowing she was going to punish him.
"Scully--" Throwing his overnight bag into his stomach, he
bent over slightly.
"This is yours," she forced, nodding at the bag, then took her
keys from the table nearby, removing one key as he watched. She
took his other hand, his jacket draped over his arm, and opened
it. Shoving the key into the center, she closed her hand over
his fingers. "So is this," she said. Throwing her keys back
onto the table they came from, she finally met his sad, shocked
gaze, hiding her own pain. The tears began to form and she
blinked them back, fighting to hold eye contact for a few more
moments before he left.
"Now you can leave," she whispered emotionally. She brushed
past him, the faint breeze cooling his face. He looked at the
overnight bag and opened his hand. The key to his apartment
stared up at him with plain tape and her bold handwriting
declaring "MULDER" across its width.
He turned it over in his hand, his eyes glazing over. When
he'd given it to her, it had been just an assurance, a comfort
to know that she would take care of his stuff when he was gone.
Now he wished she had used it more often. It pleased him to
know she came in and fed his fish, sat on his couch, ate in his
kitchen, slept in his bed. He imagined her around his space and
to him it seemed so real, almost as though her spirit was
somehow transmitted through her touch and capible of leaving
imprints in his apartment. He smiled at the memories. Then, it
was enough--but not anymore.
He thought the pain would stop when he could have pieces of
her, little tastes of Dana Scully, but the samplings he got just
made him want more, feeding into his wild, untamed imagination
and eventually into his dreams. Nightmares still haunted him,
but so did the other dreams, fantasies filled with nothing but
her, and little bit of him.
This key was not just the key to his apartment, it had become a
key to his heart as well. She had unlocked it, now by returning
it she said she didn't want it. He refused to believe that,
he'd seen her eyes. Placing his jacket back on the chair and
setting the overnight bag on the table, he stared at the key one
last time before he slowly walked up to her by the bay window.
Her arms were wrapped around her and the quick flashes of light
showed her tears. His eyes trailed over her, amazed at her
strength and warmed by her presence. The walk was slow, painful
as he stopped behind her. Although she tensed, he slid his arms
around her waist, bringing her small body to him. He looked at
her, then out to the storm she was watching. Hail was falling
now, making little pings as the tiny pellets hit the window
paine. Lightening flashed and the rain increased its fury.
He sighed quietly, then brought her closer to him, allowing her
to lean on him. She followed willingly, but was unsure of his
actions, unable to determine what he was doing. He laid his
hands on top of hers, around her waist, hugging her. He leaned
forward, his head beside hers. Gently he kissed her temple,
then took her hand in his own, turning the palm to their faces.
He placed the key back into her hand. She hiccuped slightly as
he closed his hand around hers. Turning his head to her ear, he
whispered to her.
"Keep it," his lips brushed her ear. "It's been yours for some
time now." She shivered, feeling him kiss her just below her
ear, then again on her jaw. Lifting his mouth from her skin, he
dragged his bottom lip along the smooth surface, wanting to do
more, but not daring to go further. As he breathed, the warm,
moist air slipped past her neck before cooling. She slowly
closed her eyes, and relaxed further against him, tilting her
head to the other side and granting him access as the rain
increased its intensity, the winds more savage. Lava boiled
over and dropped in her stomach, twisting her physically and
tangling her emotions. Heart won out over reason this time and
she let it happen, just this once. She owed him that.
Her head tilted, he weighed her reaction and chanced to go
further, to play with the fire they seemed to be fanning. The
hail pounded its final time as his lip trailed over her skin,
feeling her pulse beneath the thin layers of tissue and veins.
His eyes searched her neck, looking for a starting place and,
having found it, he kissed her again. She moved her hand to the
back of his neck, urging him to continue as she reopened her
mouth to breath. Lightning flashed. Her eyes flew open, then
rolled back into themselves as he continued his skilled
exploration, and the key fell to the carpeted floor and making
slight "plop" sounds as it bounced off the floor. The thunder
echoed.
She arched her back and began to squirm, wishing to see his
face. Bluish light luminated them. He stopped, part of him
scared that she was finally going to slap him and throw him out,
but another part felt the slightest beam of hope that she
wouldn't. Releasing her, she turned within his arms and faced
him, locking his eyes. Soft rain beat on the roof, lights
flashed, but silence prevailed and everything he had wanted to
see, hoped to see existed there within her eyes. All he had to
do was reach out and take it. Fear began to grip at him, but
courage leapt within her. Her hands moved to the sides of his
face, her thumb caressing the slight stubble and the mole on his
cheek, the apartment shook. He watched her, content to see her
graceful movements around him as she started her own
exploration, acknowledged her own passion. Light danced on the
walls, and where his hands remained loosely at the small of her
back, waiting. She finally forced her hands to stop and drew
his eyes back to hers, giving herself up to him.
Nothing had been so easy to him, than it was to give in to her.
For once, this one glorious time, he acted on those hidden
desires for this woman and met her mouth with his. Faint
brushes against each other was all he could manage before he no
longer controlled his movements. She drowned him with herself,
just as he drowned her, each lost in the other, but having found
a home so sweet, so perfect words nor thoughts were needed to
express it. Down pours flooded the streets, overflowing them as
his hands moved to her face, framing it as the kisses grew
deeper, slower, hotter. Her fingers played with his hair as he
smiled against her mouth. Feeling the slight vibrations against
his fingers, a slight sound grew from her throat escaping
through her breath. He captured it as tree limbs broke and fell
to the ground, the sky lit up above them. He tasted her,
enjoying the way her form shrunk slightly, then quickly felt
himself give way to her as she discovered his secret weakness.
She exploited that weakness again, her reward coming in the
shape of his muffled moan at her fingertips.
Bolts crashed and sparks flew as lightning hit across the
street, sending a deafening wall through the night. They jumped
apart startled by the storm within and without, staring at each
other. She quickly turned and tried to slow her breathing from
the panting she was experiencing to the normal even breaths she
needed. He looked at the floor, pacing. She reached within
herself, trying to calculate what was going on in her heart. He
would want answers and she was frantically looking for them.
Sighing, he looked at her, the gears in her brain almost visible
she was so deeply in thought. The sight of her flushed cheeks
and slightly swollen lips flashed across his mind--this would be
how he would remember her. A frown appeared on his face and he
knew it was time to go. His steps seemed unnaturally loud on
carpet as he walked, but he reached the door, picked up his
jacket and her overnight bag. Turning once more, he looked at
her for the last time. Turn around. His eyes, bright with pain
and longing, closed. Opening the door, he exited as quickly as
possible. Turn around. She turned to see his retreating
shadow, reaching for him.
"Muld--" she pleaded as the door shut, "please don't.....go."
Her arms fell to her sides, lost. Tears brimming, she looked
again to the room with its storm, its candles. She counted
them, thirteen. She walked to the window, watching as his car
pulled out of the parking lot, knowing he wasn't coming back.
Her hand trailed over the window where the car's image had been,
her final farewell. She stood there, somehow blocking
everything out as though it hadn't happened. She was supposed
to be strong.
The candles burned as she walked to them. Her plane would be
leaving in a few hours, she needed sleep. Taking the first
candle in her hands, she blew it out. The flame extinguished, her
farewell to his apartment. She walked to the next one, her foot
brushing an object on the floor. Picking it up, she placed the key
in her pocket. It was the only piece of him she could take with her.
One by one the flames disappeared. His office. His crazy theories.
His face. His eyes. The light in the room dimmed, but seven more
lights beckoned. Her breath snuffed out another flame, smoke trailing
to the ceiling, his sensitivity. His respect. His understanding.
His over-protectiveness. She counted his flames in her life, each
one fading just as she cloaked the candles of the room back into
darkness. Another flame flickered, then died. His touch. She
shuddered as she looked at the last two candles. Shakily she
blew out another. His kiss. The last light remained, her
anchor, her strength. His love. She breathed deeply, looking
for the peace she would never find again.
"Goodbye, Mulder," she whispered painfully. She blew out the
candle and the lights were gone, cast into the abyss. Her
heart's eclipse complete, she wept alone.
***END
Phases of the Heart - Eclipse
-------
Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's
only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.
-------
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