We, here at The SPU, decided to actually watch some "REAL NEWS". We found it to be very unrealistic and had no bearing on the real world. Besides, all that was on every channel was some junk about "The Year 2000 Bug". This "bug" is the inability of computers to tell if it's the year 2000 or 1900. Personally, I would be concerned if the computer didn't know it was Monday, but that's just me.

What to do? Rather than going through the trouble of getting REAL facts, we decided to interview people off the street and see what they had to say.

We caught our first victim on his way to school.
SPU: Why hello, there. What's your name?
Billy: Bill - No, wait! I'm not supposed to talk to strangers!
SPU: But we're not strangers. Haven't you heard of the SPU Worldwide?
Billy: That name sucks! And you suck too!
SPU: Does your mother know you use that language?
Billy: You're not my dad! Get lost! (kicked our reporter)
SPU: Why you little...

It took three reporters to hold down Agent 000 until he was calm enough to stay in one spot. We decided to try someone else.

SPU: Excuse me sir, what do you think about the year 2000 bug?
Man: Huh?
SPU: Do you think that this year 2000 thing is just over-reaction?
Man: Momma always told me that stupid is as stupid does.
SPU: I'm hoping you didn't just say that.
Man: Would you like a chok'lit?
SPU: We have to go.
Man: Have you seen Jenny?
SPU: No. Bye.
Man: My name's F---
SPU: Very nice. We have to go.

We decided to head downtown and see if we could find anyone normal. We met a funny little man who seemed quite agitated.

SPU: Sir, what's your name?
Man: My, it is a FUN-FILLED day out. Do you have a 1947 PENNY?
SPU: Uh, no.
Man: So where is your VAN? Is is on the BOULEVARD?
SPU: Huh?
Man: You're not my contact. Who sent you?
SPU: We're a newspaper, doing some research...
Man: Are you one of THEM?
SPU: Uh, no.
Man: My name is Davis. Yeah, Davis.
SPU: Could you spare a few minutes of your time?
Davis: I guess, but we'll have to hurry. They may have found me already.
SPU: Who may have found you?
Davis: I can't tell you. They might kill you too.
SPU: Okay... What do you think of the year 2000 bug?
Davis: I'm, like, not supposed to tell you this... But it's all a big conspiracy. You see, they're forcing us to pay money to "upgrade", but that's not all there is.
SPU: Okay...
Davis: Yeah, they're using this as an excuse to reprogram computers so they alter our DNA.
SPU: You can't do that.
Davis: Yes you can. The government just doesn't want you to know.
SPU: We better be going...
Davis: Noooo! There they are! I have to go! FOOL! YOU LED THEM TO ME!!!!
SPU: Bye...
Man: I'll get you!!!!!!

Then he ran off. That just goes to show what watching "The X-Files" too much can do to your head. We decided to give this one more try, with a normal- looking person.

SPU: Excuse me, sir, what do you think of the Year 2000 bug?
Man: Actually, I'm frightened of the thing.
SPU: Do you think you'll owe the phone company thousands of dollars?
Man: No, I'm concerned about milk.
SPU: Milk?
Man: Yes. When the year 2000 rolls around, all of the "best before" dates on milk cartons will be for the year 1900.
SPU: I see.
Man: It will be chaos. People won't want to drink milk or eat youghurt.
Milk sales will drop, people will panic. The government will have to declare martial law to keep the masses in order!
SPU: I think you're exaggerating a little.
Man: Not at all. And don't forget the milk mixers. They all run on time clocks.
SPU: Milk mixers?
Man: Yeah, the big mixing machines that they make the milk in.
SPU: Milk comes from cows. They don't make it.
Man: Sure they do. Some water, flour, sugar, a little food coloring, and you're there!
SPU: Read my lips: Milk comes from cows.
Man: It's all a lie. They're just trying to fool you into thinking that the cow is a useful animal when in fact it has no purpose.
SPU: What about beef? It comes from cows.
Man: I'm afraid not. It's a little known fact that beef comes from Llamas.
SPU: Llamas?
Man: Except for ground beef. It's made of soy products and some plastic.
SPU: Back to the topic.... What about Pepsi and Tylenol? Don't they have expiry dates?
Man: Pepsi is black milk with the flour taken out and brownish food coloring.
SPU: And Tylenol?
Man: I'm not sure. But it probably has something to do with cows.
SPU: Well, look at the time. We should go.
Man: Nice talking to you.

We decided to give it another try. We saw a young woman walking around in a dazed state. She was wearing long robes and had a shaved head. She also carried a candle and a bundle of pamphlets. At least she wouldn't argue, we hoped...

SPU: Excuse me, miss. What do you think about the Year 2000 bug?
Woman: Oh, it's great.
SPU: But it's a BAD thing.
Woman: You see, it doesn't exist.
SPU: Are you sure?
Woman: No-one exists. You don't exist. This world doesn't exist. You are all a test by the great being to see if I should advance to a greater plane of existence.
SPU: So I'm not real?
Woman: You are all in my mind. It is my job to convert you all.
SPU: Sorry, we don't want any. Gotta go. Bye.

We took off. We didn't like the look of those pamphlets. I just don't like the idea of being in anyone's mind. The gluttons for punishment that we are, we gave it one more try. This time we tried a man in a business suit.

SPU: What do you think of the year 2000 bug?
Man: I can't believe this could happen. If they'd only showed some foresight.
SPU: So you don't like it?
Man: Nope. Gotta go.

Well, there you have it. We had a grand total of one person who can be believed. Nice to know that we have, again, brought you up to the minute news. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to seal myself in a bunker with thousands of cartons of frozen milk. You'll wish you're me when the year 2000 comes....

Agent 001