Disclaimer: Star Trek and Star Trek: Voyager are the property of Paramount Pictures and Viacom. I make no money off of this story what so ever. No copyright infringement intended.
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Author's Note: As much as I loved "Mosaic" and "Extreme Risk", I thought that the depressions of both Kathryn Janeway and B'Elanna Torres didn't seem real enough. So, I wrote a story basically on my own experiences with depression.
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Author's Note 2: I started writing this story before "Extreme Risk" aired. So, if there are any inconsistencies in the way Chakotay acts in my story and the way he acted in "Extreme Risk", I apologize. I didn't feel like totally changing my story just to fit cannon standards.
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Warning: The following story may be offensive to some readers. It contains material describing the process of depression and with material on suicidal thoughts. You have been warned.
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Broken Dome
by Tamar Richardson
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*bleep*
No answer.
"Kathryn," a voice through the door called. "I think we should talk."
Still no answer.
Chakotay turned to Tuvok, "How long has she been like this?"
"In my estimates, about three days," Tuvok replied.
"Three days?! Tuvok, I was only a subspace call away. Why wasn't I contacted?"
"I didn't deem it necessary, since it was not interfering with ship's
systems.
Chakotay nodded, "I'm sorry, Tuvok. It's just, I worry about her
sometimes." Tuvok raised his left eyebrow. "Go back to the Bridge.
"Understood, sir."
After Tuvok left, Chakotay entered in the security override and was met with a horrifying scene. The lights were at half-illumination. Kathryn lay curled up on the bed. It didn't look like she had moved from that spot since she had first locked herself in there. The first officer went over and checked the replicator, just as he had suspected: it hadn't been used in over four days.
Chakotay moved over towards the bed. Suddenly, Kathryn began to stir. "Kathryn?" She opened her eyes and looked at him curiously, as if she had forgotten who he was. Those eyes pained him. They were so empty.
"Chakotay?"
He nodded. "Do you want something to eat?" he glanced over towards the replicator.
"No," she responded. "I haven't been able to eat anything in days."
"You should try," he coached.
Kathryn frowned. "I'd like to be left alone now." She turned and faced away from him. Chakotay stood still, baffled. "I said, 'Leave!'" Again, he didn't moved. Kathryn stood up, wavered for a second, and caught her balance. "Do I need to make it an order, Commander?"
"No," he replied. Hurt, Chakotay turned to leave and then whipped around, "If you feel like talking, contact me. Day or night. You understand?"
No response. Several seconds later, Kathryn heard the satisfying swoosh of the door closing.
**********
"Computer, tea." It was unheard of, Kathryn drinking tea. She had always sworn by her morning cup of of coffee, but today was different. It had been three days since the incident with Chakotay. Each day since, she had tried to eat something, but had always failed. Kathryn now hoped that the tea would stay down, but she was doubtful.
Slowly, Janeway sipped her tea. It ran through her system, calming her. Halfway through, Kathryn lost her appetite. It had been like this for days: she had wanted to eat something, even replicated food, but the moment she looked at it, her stomach turned at the very thought of eating food. At best, she had been able to eat a little, but the inevitable happened and Kathryn would run off to the bathroom and vomit it back up.
She put the cup in the replicator and recycled it. Kathryn walked over to the bed and fell asleep. It looked like the tea would stay down.
**********
Kathryn took her pillow and put it over her head, in an attempt to block out that infernal racket. They were trying to get her to talk again. The door chime kept being pushed over and over and over again. She had shut out their ability to enter into her quarters through their security clearances, so all they could to do ring the chime, pound on the door, and call her name.
The noise finally got to her. "Come in," she called from her bed. Kathryn dared not get up. The last time she tried that, the room started spinning and she almost collapsed. In order to look dignified enough, she sat up as straight as her stiff body would allow. It had a week and a half since this had all began.
Chakotay walked into the dark room. "Can I turn on the lights?" he asked.
"Yes," her voice croaked. It had been days since she talked to anyone (excluding herself).
"Computer, lights 50%.," he ordered. The first officer realized that Kathryn's eyes would need some adjustment. Most importantly, it was enough for him to see her features clearly. Kathryn looked awful: her skin was pale, her cheeks were hollowed in, her lips were cracked; lastly, there were dark circles around her eyes that plainly showed how little sleep she had gotten in the past week and a half.
Chakotay walked over to the replicator. "Computer, water. 10 degrees Celsius."
He walked over to her, carrying the glass of water. "Here, drink this." He held the glass up to her lips, while Kathryn drank. When she was done, Chakotay put the glass on a nearby table. "Kathryn, are you going to be okay?"
"Of course I am," she lied. Truth was, Kathryn wasn't sure she could take the emotional pain much longer. She had spent many nights contemplating suicide. Life just didn't seem worth it anymore.
Chakotay looked at her, perplexed. Could it be that he had seen through her lie? He took in a deep breath and spoke, "The Doctor was going to come here himself to give you this," He held up a hypospray, "But I convinced him that it would be better if I came and did it myself."
He started to place it near her neck, when she stopped him. "What is it?"
"A nutritional supplement."
She nodded her acceptance and he gave her the hypo.
Chakotay got up from his kneeling position and walk over towards the door, "I'll be back daily, until you feel better." He left. It had worked. He felt horrible lying to Kathryn, but it was necessary. This was the only way they could get her to take the anti-depression medication.
**********
"Computer, replicate one phaser," Janeway ordered.
"Unable to comply."
"Explain."
"Insufficient clearance."
Kathryn was baffled. "I am Captain of this vessel. Why can't I replicate a phaser if I want to?"
"Captain Kathryn Janeway's command over vessel USS Voyager has temporarily been revoked."
Kathryn brought her hand up to her head and preceded to rub it. So, they had revoked her commission. Fortunately, all previous orders she had given still stood. Meaning, that they couldn't get into her quarters unannounced. It had been yesterday when she had figured out what was really in the hypo Chakotay had been giving her.
Now, all that Kathryn wanted to do was end it. She could no longer deal with the harsh reality she now faced. Physically stronger than she was four days ago, she paced back and forth. And then suddenly got an idea.
"Computer, replicate one metallic knife." The replicator made a shimmering noise, and a large, metallic knife appeared. Kathryn took it from the replicator and held it in her hand turning it over and over again. All she had to do was slash it across her wrist and it would all be over. All the pain she was feeling would vanish.
Kathryn lifted the knife over her wrist and stopped. Reality hit her, hard. She couldn't do this. She now realized that she didn't want to die. Things still seemed hopeless, but not hopeless enough to die. She let the knife tumble to the floor.
Kathryn moved over towards her bed, laid down on it, and cried herself to sleep.
**********
*bleep*
"Come in," she called. Every day since her depression started, they always buzzed her quarters. Most of the time she had ignored their chime (with the exception of when they chimed over and over again), but today was different she was feeling better.
"Hi," Chakotay greeted. "Feeling better?"
"A little," she answered, trying to act cheery. It wasn't working, Chakotay saw through her forced smile. Kathryn was still very thin. Her eyes were swollen from the nights she had spent crying. Yes, he saw through it all.
"When was the last time you ate?" he asked.
The facade immediately dropped. It was no use to put it on if Chakotay didn't fall for it. "I don't remember," Kathryn replied. She looked off into space, not quite sure how to react now.
Chakotay went over to the replicator and ordered soup. "Here," he said, "Try this."
Reluctantly, she took the bowl from him and tried the soup. The soup trickled down her throat and into her extremely empty stomach. It felt good to eat.
Chakotay was looking around the room, absentmindedly. Suddenly, his eyes fell on a shiny object on the floor. He moved to pick it up. Immediately he knew what it was, "Gods," Chakotay said. He held up a rather large, metallic knife, "Don't tell you actually considered..." He couldn't finish the sentence. He knew she had reached points of desperation and some extremes, but he couldn't fathom his Kathryn doing anything drastic.
"Yes," her voice quavered. "but I'm better now. I just could see any other way out. Everything just seemed so hopeless." Kathryn burst into tears and flopped herself back down on the bed. Chakotay was speechless, both from the shock of her suicide attempt and from her current break down. Helplessly, he patted her shoulder and left.
**********
Kathryn walked down the hall, much to the astonishment of the crew members walking by. It had been almost month since she had been outside of her quarters. Now, all she had to do was get an okay from the Doctor, so she could return to commanding her ship.
It was hard to image that only two weeks had gone by since she had considered killing herself. Kathryn was glad that it was all over, glad that the pain had vanished; yet, something loomed over her. It was an idea, a passing thought. Kathryn had tried to ignore, but it kept returning.
**********
*bleep*
"Enter," Kathryn called to the ready room door. The Doctor had approved her fit for command; that is as long as she was kept on light-duty for the time being.
The door opened and Kathryn smiled to the figure standing just inside the door frame, as if asking further permission to enter. "Chakotay, come in."
He stepped in and the door swooshed behind him. The first officer came over sat by Kathryn on the couch. "Hello," he greeted.
"Hi," she returned.
An awkward silence settled over the two commanding officers. Finally she broke the silence, "Is there something you wanted?"
"How are you doing?"
"Better."
"But not alright?"
"No," she shook her head. "I don't think I'll ever be 'alright' again.
"We are all born with some sort of protective dome over us. It protects us from emotional bombs that are constantly being thrown at us. Occasionally, the dome can't withstand the emotions and it cracks. A relationship ends, that's one crack; a friend moves away, that's another crack. Over time, those cracks can be repaired.
"And then, there are life's events that just shatter the dome completely.
Death of a parent, death of fiance," she paused. "When my father and Justin,
my fiance, died, my dome was shattered. And, with the help of my sister,
I was able to rebuild it. But it was never as strong as it used to be. A
month ago, my dome was broken. No, it wasn't just broken; it was destroyed.
Chakotay pulled her close to him. He hushed and rocked her back and forth, trying to comfort her. Finally, he spoke, "Then let me protect you. Let me be your dome."
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