Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and Star Trek: Voyager. I own the story and make no profit off of this whatsoever. And I hope Paramount doesn't mind if I play in their sandbox.

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Letting Go

by Tamar Richardson

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He's dead, and it's all my fault. I should have never sent Chakotay out into territory disputed by the Vir. What really troubles me is that they didn't even leave the shuttle or his body intact. All that was left of the attack was a bunch of debris with organic residue all over it.

And now, I sit here sulking. Not fully sure if I should go to the memorial service. I might have been able to handle the ceremony better if it had been held in the Mess Hall, but that wasn't the case. No, the crew had decided it would be better to have it in the Holodec. And of all the Holodecs it just had to be Holodec 2. Chakotay and I had many memories built up in there. Holodec 2 was a place of first for us. Our first kiss, the first time we made love, his proposal (and my acceptance), gods we were even going to get married there a month from now.

But I refuse to grieve. It is not in the best interests of the crew. Gods, does that bring up old memories. It was the excuse I had used for 6, 7 years. But, finally, one day I just gave in. I was his program of the sun rising on top of a mountain on Dorvan V. We were still friends then. Although I had suspected for some time that he wanted more than that. Anyway, we were sitting there, talking. He started talking about how sometimes you wonder if two people were actually made for each other. He had been staring at the ground , but now looked up. Brown met blue. He then said the words I had been dreading/longing to hear, "Kathryn, I wonder if we were met for each other. Because I know that I love you."

"Oh Chakotay," I had said in awe. "I love you, too." We then proceeded to kiss. But the kissing wasn't as important as the sealment of love. Love that I used to think nothing could possibly break. But that turned out not to be the case.

I was about to get up and go to the Holodec, when the door chimed. "Enter," I said.

In walked Tom Paris. No doubt he sent to make sure I attended the service. "Captain," he said, "Are you going to go to the memorial service voluntarily or do I have to call security?" He was trying to cheer me up. It didn't work.

"No," I replied. "I don't think that's necessary." I got up off the couch and headed towards the door.

The walk to the Holodec was done in utter silence. Tom had been a good friend during the whole hiatus, giving the usual "I understand" speeches. The whole point is, he doesn't understand. No one does. Tom and B'Elanna have each other. And so do Harry and Seven. I'm all alone, but I won't grieve. Chakotay wouldn't have wanted it that way.

The doors to the Holodec opened. Most of the crew had already gathered. They all turned to look at us. I nodded my greetings and stood up in front of the crowd.

Tuvok had offered to lead the service himself, but I refused. Now was not the time to show weakness in front of the crew. They needed to see a strong captain.

I quieted the crowd and said the usual opening speech. Then after sharing a story of my own, I opened the floor to anyone who wished to share moments. Tom talked about when he and Chakotay had first met in the Maquis. Seven spoke of how Chakotay had first assigned her and Harry to build the new Astrometrics Lab. The stories just kept coming. We spent about three hours just swapping memories, until we left.

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"That was a beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?" Tom asked. He had walked me to my quarters to make sure I went directly to bed, instead of staying up more than half the night thinking: what if...

I nodded my reply. I went into bedroom and put on my night clothes. I slipped under the covers and closed my eyes. I fell asleep almost instantly. But sleep wasn't very comforting.

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"Stop worrying, Kathryn!" Chakotay exclaimed. "Voyager will locate us with its scanners soon enough. We just have to have patience." They were in a shuttle, stuck. The engines had just quit for no apparent reason.

"It's just..." I paused. "Something's not right about this are of space."

"I sent out a hail and Tuvok said they'll be here to rescue us in about thirty minutes," Chakotay comforted me.

"What'll we do till then?" I teased.

"I can think of several things," he teased back. He leaned forward and kissed me, passionately.

Suddenly, the shuttle rocked back and forth. "What was that?" I asked.

Chakotay turned toward the console. "We've been hit by an unknown ship.. They're more powerful than the shuttle; however, I believe Voyager could handle them. That is, if and when it gets here."

"Hail the ship," I ordered.

He pressed several keys on the console. "For one, there appears to be no lifesigns on the ship; consequently, all can get is a recorded message."

"Play it."

"We are known as the Vir. You have entered disputed territory. You will be destroyed. We are known as..."

"Execute evasive maneuvers, fire phasers, and pray that Voyager gets here soon," I commanded.

"Aye, Captain," he acknowledged.

Our shuttle kept dodging the incoming fire. It had been forty minutes before Voyager showed up. I felt my body dematerialize and rematerialize on the transporter pad. I looked around and noticed that Chakotay hadn't beamed over as well.

"Report!" I demanded of the poor ensign.

"The comm system's down, transporters are minimal, shields are down 47%..." she stated.

"Can you transport the Commander?" I requested.

"I'm trying, Captain, but I can't get a lock," she paused and looked up from the console. "The shuttle's gone."

"What?!"

"It's been destroyed..."

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"Captain!" Tom was shaking me awake. "Wake up, you're having a nightmare."

"What are you doing here?" I looked over at the chronometer, "Gods, Tom, it's 0300 hours."

"I fell asleep on the couch," he admitted. "You wanna tell me about the dream?"

"It was about the Vir," I said. I choked back the tears that were threatening to cascade down my cheeks.

"Captain, you can't keep holding back like this. It's not healthy." he pleaded.

"Not healthy? You're starting to sound like the Doctor!" I accused him. "Besides, my comfort is nothing in comparison to the crew's health and morale."

"But, by holding back, the crew is suffering. You've never been this drawn away from them." Tom looked into my eyes with such pain and hurt, I could no longer hold back. The tears slid down my cheeks and a great weight was lifted from my soul.

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