Disclaimer: Paramount owns these characters (and half the world). I make no money off of this story. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Pain and Suffering

by Tamar Richardson

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Part 1: His Pain, His Betrayal

"Get out!" she screamed, through her tears. She heaved the empty bottle at Chakotay, barely missing him. Janeway was utterly drunk. This was no time to reason with her, and he knew it.

Chakotay exited their quarters. He knew she would take this hard, but he hadn't expected the reckless course of action she had taken All Chakotay wanted was to be near her. Why was Kathryn pushing him away? He didn't understand.

No one was in the corridor, so he let his own tears fall freely. The loss had been tough on both of them. He turned to the quarters next her's. They were no longer his, they hadn't been his for the past five years.

Chakotay entered the quarters, but refused to move from where he stood. He didn't want to disturb anything. This moment would never come again.

He scanned the room with his eyes. It was mess, but his choice. Chakotay hadn't wanted anyone in there, after a med team had removed Alexis's body. He inhaled the rich, sweet aroma of the air and went to work on repairing the room.

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Chakotay had finished cleaning and repairing everything in there. Everything, that is, except for the bookcase. The bookcase had been the cause of her death. He didn't want to even touch it. He wanted to leave it there covered with her blood, as a reminder. He couldn't stay here, it was too painful.

Chakotay walked over to the door that separated the two worlds (one of a child, the other of adults, both now filled with pain) and pressed the chime. No answer. "Kathryn?" he asked. Nothing. He entered in the access code and the doors swooshed open. There she was, sleeping. He picked her up off the couch and put her on the bed. Chakotay brushed the once red, now graying hair out of her face.

He was afraid that if she found him here she would be mad . Chakotay stood up and walked out of the door for the second time. He spotted B'Elanna just up the corridor. "What are you doing up?" he asked.

She walked towards him. "I was just about to ask you the same thing," B'Elanna replied. "Chakotay, it's 03:00."

"I could use a drink," he announced. "Sandrine's?"

She nodded (truth was B'Elanna could use one, too).

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After a few synthales and an idle conversation, the lieutenant couldn't stand it any longer. "You can't keep pushing her," she stated.

"B'Elanna, you haven't seen her. If she's not curled up in little ball crying, then she's drinking which eventually leads to her passing out. Kathryn has to pull herself together," he took another sip of synthale. "Isn't it bad enough I have to deal with Alexis's death, let alone Kathryn's decent into darkness?"

"Chakotay, she needs her space. Remember how Tammy reacted to Tom's death?" she paused, trying to hold back the tears. B'Elanna still hadn't gained all the weight she had lost when she tried to starve herself to death. "Tammy refused to let anyone within 10 meters of her. She locked herself in her room for three days straight." B'Elanna polished off the rest of her synthale. "It's not like I tried to help her..." she trailed off.

He got up and moved around the table and put a reassuring arm around her. She leaned her head on his shoulder and sighed. He lifted up her chin with his finger and spoke, "Where did that Klingon fire that I love about you go to?" He stared into her eyes and saw the same hurt and loneliness in his own. Chakotay brought his lips towards her's. She met him halfway.

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