A Lesson in Human Behavior

Disclaimer: "The Waltz" is the property of Dorothy Parker. No copyright infringement intended.

By Tamar Richardson

Would you like to dance? After consulting my Earthlings for Dummies manual (one of many texts on human behavior implanted in my cerebral cortex), I determined that this was the correct phrase for asking permission of another human to move in accordance to a certain piece of music. I have 'danced' with several human females thus far, but this one intrigued me the most. She sat at a table talking to no one. She also did not have the appearance of wishing to dance. This is contrary to some of are most conclusive data available on human females. Perhaps she is playing what the humans call 'mindgames'.

What sort of dance would this music go to? A two-step? Waltz? Shall we waltz then? I check my data banks for the term "waltz". Hmm... it appears to be simple. As we begin, I discover that it is not as easy as it had originally seemed. My foot soon comes into contact with her shin.

Ow, a term used for expressing pain. I have injured the specimen! Are you hurt? Hurt, it is a good word. My brother taught it to me (due to his second head, his application was rejected by the Commision of Earth Research [or CER]). I received the proper training to deal with such a mission, but how does one act when faced with unusual circumstances? Dancing, etiquette, and slang words were never apart of my training. They taught me only what was needed, nothing more.

I wonder if I can engage the female in a discussion. Perhaps, it will provide me with more data to transmit to the homeworld afterwards. Are you enjoying the waltz? Yes, it is lovely. Lovely meaning beautiful, magnificent, attractive. Yes, I suppose the music is lovely. The woman is also lovely. It is a most curious feeling, to have emotions for an experimental subject. I wonder if any of the other scouting parties have had such a problem.

Oh, I'm very sorry. It didn't hurt, did it? Step? Yes, I suppose so. Yes, I did make it up. Make it up? Why did I do that? It makes no sense for me to say untrue things to impress her. She is just a thing to be observed. This is just one part of a multiphased project. It is no more different from the other experiments currently being undertaken by the others.

I think they are going to play a another waltz. Are you fati- I mean tired? I must be careful not to sound to alien. Of course, we can go on forever. Forever? How does one dance forever? The life function process cannot last eternally. Life ends. One cannot dance forever. But, if she wishes it, I will do what I can.

Yes, they have stopped. Twenty dollars? Of course. So I give the band the meaningless currency, and we continue to waltz. For what is paper revenue in comparison to infinite happiness. Besides, this may be her last dance. The invasion force should be here within a Earth week. But I do not wish to think of that now. It is better to dance and temporarily forget that she will be dead soon, her world becoming the property of others, and that she is only a specimen.