The method of destruction demonstrated by the Empire is the AT-ST, or small Imperial Walker. This did not seem to work well, as one was hijacked by the attacked parties and a Wookiee and subsequently used against the hapless Stormtroopers.
A more direct method is to simply shoot them with a blaster. This, while not proven on a large scale, seems rather less likely to fail. If you attempt this, be sure not to allow your enemies to surround you. While they are small, if you have no control of the Force, they can be quite dangerous. To prevent them from kidnapping you, composing your attacking party purely of protocol droids may be a useful measure. If some modification is done to their programming so as to allow them to impersonate deities, new horizons of attacks may become possible: think of Hernando Cortes and the Aztecs.
Consideration is being given to the placement of a bounty upon Ewoks. Bounty hunters of the Empire or New Republic, please contact us if you would be willing to take on a large scale job on the moon of Endor for a large reward.
The surest way to rid the galaxy of Ewoks seems to be simply to destroy the moon of Endor, which is the only place they have been found. Aside from any strays that may have chosen to leave with the Rebellion fleet, this would almost definitely kill off the population and bring about extinction. At the very least, it would remove their home base and lower Ewok morale galaxy-wide.
Destruction of an entire moon can pose a dilemma for many forces. Since both Death Stars are now destroyed, any suggestions in this direction will be greatly appreciated.
kitton sent us this:
"It would seem to me that a little genetic caress to, say, Hanta or one of the better aerisol vector viruses could prove effective; due to their large eye size, intimate living conditions and to the fact that there were very few sneezes in the only anthropological data currently extant this would apeir to be an excilent approach. I would suggest a slight modification to the Hanta coat protein that would specify the lens material of the ewok eye - while crysteline has not yet proved a viable attack vector for human and human like beings, the limited mobility of the ewok should serve as an excelent ground for experimentation. one infection, blinds the ewok and effectively imobilizes him or her, the rest of the population are culturaly programed to provide intamate assistance, said assistance proving an
ideal transmition vector - hell they are already PROGRAMED to pass on the disease [i refer to the beformentioned anthropological data]..."
Thank you, kitton!
From: John S. Weaver [E17]-
?No Ewok is a good Ewok, unless of course he(or she) is dead. I find the best method of killing the pesky rodents is nailing them to a stake. Next, you cut each of the Ewok's toes and fingers or whatever is behind all that fur. Thirdly, chop off their arm's and legs(I prefer a lightsaber for the chopping) and leave them for dead, lying helplessly on the ground(they obviously aren't nailed to the stake anymore). Although this may not be the most efficient way of killing them, it sure is fun to watch them cringe in pain."
Romulus350's [E23] Theory of Ewok Extermination:
"First of all I would like to say that my plans for ewok extermination would
require a modicum of patience. I propose that we introduce the ideas of
greed and meglomania into the ewok population. This could be achieved by
systematically kidnapping some of the disqusting little hair balls and
programming their pea sized little brains through advanced Force techniques
or a full scale brainwashing session. If successful the ewok population
would become corrupted with anxiety and hatred towards others of their kind.
Because the ewoks have no obvious spacefaring technology, the threat of the
spread of the species can be sen as almost non-exsistent. Next, by slowly
feuling their hatred and fears of one another we could introduce large scale
tactical nuclear weapons into their village aresenals. By provoking one
another the ewoks could be coerced into launching their weapons at
neighboring villages thereby eliminating the native population of ewoks and
causing moonwide ecological failure that would lead to the eventual
extinction of the survivors.
Another thought. Why not try to bombard them from space using high level
gamma radiation to sterilze the entire population?
OPEN SEASON ON EWOKS!!!!!!!!"
Chris Delisio [E24] reports: "I found a way to attract the little buggers. When the MUZAK level on my weapon is set at 'slightly annoying,' the ewoks will mistake it for one of their sing alongs. I will donate the five surviving Ewoks left over from my experiments to SEE. Coming soon: the results from experimentation.
'Nothing beats the music of a hundred ewok voices screaming in unison.' "
Boba McClave [E 55] says- "I would take my trusty little lightsaber and cut the creature open and toss it's organs all over other ewoks!"
I received this poem from BarnPoPz:
Ewoks
Ewoks were shoved in a ventilation duct,
Because they had been so bad,
It was hot and clammy in that hole,
And soon they all were sad.
The heating was put up bit by bit,
Until it t'was hard to breathe,
Ewoks began fighting to get out,
But no-one managed to leave..
Strange smells start to sneak out,
From that clogged up hole in the wall,
"Golly gee what is that smell?"
"Cooked Ewoks, you darned fool!"
Then some died and bits dropped off,
Blood gushing from every hole,
Despite their poor dear cries for help,
Those Ewoks have no soul!
Brains ran down the grills outside,
Ewok screams heard from within,
Gore and flesh were cooking now,
They're darned payin' for every sin! :)
Time to open that grill methinks,
And serve up Ewok Delight,
Bits of Ewok splosh onto the floor,
A blimmin' gorgeous sight!
Look! Is that an eyeball I see?
Messed up with those ears?
Tiny teeth adorn the ground,
Mixed up in Ewok tears..
So on a plate the blighters go,
Jus' ready for din dins now,
Cos frankly Ewok is tastier,
An' safer than English cow.
(C) R.Jones 1996
Riboflavin [E 52] reports that his group has made certain advances such as:
Stormtrooper armor that shields not only against laser, thermal detanator and blaster fire, but also against rocks and sticks.
with anti-noogie helmets.
Napalm: fur is flammable.
Electric razors: if they're not furry, they're not cute. If they're
not cute, nobody cares about 'em and Amnesty International won't give us
any grief.
One word: wookiees.
Donald Judd [E 92] writes:
Here is my plan of action for the total annialation of the Ewoks: Two of my Gunships have been equipped with fast-firing Sonic Stun Bomb launchers. These bombs, once detonated, create an intense sonic wave which, when tuned to the right frequency, will interact with a specific creatures' brain waves. This induces severe pain and shock, followed by unconciousness. I plan to barrage Endor with SSB's in about a year or so, once I've finished my research into the side effects to the rest of Endor's ecology. I believe Endor is a beautiful planet, and will be even more so once the Ewok scourge have been eliminated. After the SSB's have detonated, and the entire race unconcious, a specially tuned heat sensor will pick out the Ewok villages and hunting parties. My Stingray fighter/bombers will then drop what I like to call the N.A.S.V., or Name A Species Virus, in the air above the hair-covered vermin. Once the NASV is deployed within approximately 1.5 kilometers from an appropriate host, it will slowly build itself up within the body, examining and adapting to the immune system of the particular species NASV has been altered to. Putting the NASV spore into the air via pinpoint-accuracy bomb drop over a single village will infect almost the whole population within weeks. in 30 days the virus will attack, and the blood of the virmin infected will become boiling hot, then sizzle through the vein, the skin, and eventually the fur. But by then the subject will have exploded, due to the bubbles in the veins. Bodily depressurization is only one of many ways this virus ensures a dead Ewok. In a few weeks the blood and guts would have been eaten by the local scavengers, the virus would be totally dead on the word a day after, and Endor's ecology will have shifted to smaller predators. A pity that the larger, Ewok-eating creatures on Endor (there has to be at least one such species), will face the risk of extintion.
Recipes
Our first recipes come from Red the Vampire [E8]. She suggests roast Ewoks with rosemary and mint sauce and, for the differently alive, fresh Ewok blood. Another the conventionally surviving is stirfried Ewok with soy sauce. Another perennial favorite: Fried Ewok brains!!!...stuff 'em with a little garlic, season with salt and black pepper, and Hey-Presto!!!!
Quorthon [E15] suggests drinking whiskey from an Ewok skull-"it's beautiful".
Another nugget of joy from Quorthon's Kitchen:
Marinate Ewok (preferably filets) for at least 4 hours in tequilla,cilantro and fresh lime juice. Grill to desired doneness. Serve on a bed of rice or a skewer w/ seasonal veggies. The tequilla acts as a great tenderizer, and kills some of the inherrent gaminess of the foul creature (and the unused portion is a nice treat for the chef).
Bon apetit
Eric Filemyr [E 20] has a recipe: after skinning it[there's a market for Ewok fur on Ord Mantell], toss it in a pan of boiling water for 25 minutes. Then add a pint of Jawa blood. Wait 10 minutes then take it out and cut the meat off the legs and arms. Serve with gravy.
Chris Delisio [E 24] likes marinating Ewok meat and then drying it. Viva la Ewok Jerky!
Captain Petrus Kairus Mortis of the Grey Panther Legion Independent Strike Force
tells us of a gustatory delight called:
EWOK SAUSAGE!!!
-Take one (1) freshly killed Ewok and cut out its intestines, squeezing
out any stool, washing the insides out and tying the end shut with
string..
-Next, finish cleaning the Ewok, saving the bones, fur, and meat, as
well as any organs that are considered tasty or useful...
-Take least expensive Ewok meat and place into a grinder with salt,
ground pepper, Ewok blood, garlic powder, curry, and other spices (to
your taste) and grind thoroughly into a mush, mixing in spices evenly.
-Pump Ewok mush into previously sealed intestines, trim and seal the
other end tightly, roast at 300 degrees in a pan, oven or over the pyres
of their ravaged treetop villages. Serves six.
BOOM sent us this recipie for Mexican Chilli Ewoks:
After collecting half a liter of blood, cook the Ewok in its own juice. Then fry
200 grams of "Chile Chipotle" in the Ewok's blood. Use the blood to season the
Ewok. Enjoy, serves for 6.
Walrus Arse [E62] sent us this:
Thinly sliced Ewok cold cuts with Havarti cheese on a rye bun. Hot or
cold.