1. When you're late for work, your usual excuse is:
A) I got a %$^%ing flat tire!
B) Stupid kid was projectile vomiting!
C) I lost 9 minutes!
2. When you take a shower you think:
A) Oh, no! The $^^%&ing drain is clogged again!
B) Ah, now I'll be Zestfully clean!
C) Pesky flukes!
3. When you make a mistake, your first thought is:
A) Aw, %#$^%$!!
B) I've done something horrible! I must confess!
C) Deny everything!
4. When a cop pulls you over for running a red light, you shout:
A) You $%$%^ing pig! I'm late for work!
B) I'm sorry, officer! I'll never do it again!
C) Noho on the rojo!
5. You like Brandenburg Concerto Number Two because:
A) Why would I like any #$%%$&ing classical music?!
B) How could you not!
C) I live for Bach!
6. Deep Throat is:
A) A $%^$*^ing porn star.
B) A Watergate informant.
C) Dead.
7. You see distant fires burning in the forest. Your explanation:
A) Those #$#&ing kids and their arson!
B) Oh, good! I hope it was the Newell's house! I never liked
them anyway!
C) Swamp gas.
8. When you wake up in the morning, your first words are:
A) Another $^%$*^^ing day at work!
B) I'm such a morning person!
C) I may not be who I am!
9. When someone rips your $20 bill, you cry:
A) Hey! Give me back my #$^&%&^%ing 20!
B) Hey! I was going to buy groceries with that!
C) Thanks! Now I can go through metal detectors without
anyone knowing how much money I have!
10. You say this when you hang up the phone:
A) Get the $&^ off my phone!
B) Bye now! Have a love-ly day!
C) All done, bye bye!
11. You hear a noise in the bathroom. You think:
A) Got to fix that %&^%ing toilet!
B) Well, I guess I better use my old Plumbo-Jumbo!
C) There's a man crawling through my toilet! AHHHH!
12. When you eat liver you think:
A) This is %^&%&ing disgusting!
B) This is chock full of vitamins! Yummy!
C) Five of these things and I can sleep for a long, long time!
13. Your nose starts to bleed. You exclaim:
A) Ow! That $&^%^&ing kid! Why'd he have to punch me
in the %&^ing nose?!
B) Oh, drat! I shouldn't have rollerbladed over bricks!
C) Must be that metal thing shoved up my nose.
14. You're stranded in the forest late at night. You're most scared
of running into:
A) A %&^&^ing bear.
B) A tree.
C) A swarm of little green bugs.
15. You meet an unarmed but extremely attractive person. You:
A) Shout, "Why don't you buy a %&^%&^ing gun?" punch
the person in the nose, and burn the person's house down.
B) Say, "I'm happily married. I won't even look at you," and
strut away with your nose in the air.
C) Wink, say, "Yatta, yatta, yatta," take the person's hand, and
rub the back of the hand with your thumb.
16. You see dark clouds in the sky. You think:
A) Aw! Not a &^%&ing storm!
B) It's going to rain cats and dogs!
C) It's going to rain frogs and toads!
17. You find a bottle with strange fluid in it. You say:
A) I'm going to get ^&*^*&ing drunk!!
B) I must turn this in to the authorities!
C) If this is monkey pee, you're on your own!
18. You notice something has been stolen from your home. You
think:
A) I'm going to get the @#@%$ who did this!
B) Those stupid neighborhood kids are into everything!
C) Must have been an E.B.E.
19. Who are the Lone Gunmen?
A) Those %^$ who stole my car!
B) Outlaws in the Wild West.
C) A group of guys who answer complex questions.
20. If you have a big secret, who do you trust?
A) None of your *&$$%ing business!
B) My family.
C) No one.
21. Someone tells you an outrageous story. You say:
A) Oh, yeah! Like I'm going to @#$@ing believe that!
B) Shhhh! I don't gossip!
C) I want to believe.
22. What do you think of the worm in tequila?
A) All right! I love drinking ^%&^%ing tequila!
B) Ewwww! I don't drink tequila!
C) If I drink one worm, I'd better drink another one just in
case.
23. You see an enemy wearing gloves. Your reaction:
A) It's summertime! Are your %^% hands cold, buster?!
B) I don't have any enemies!
C) I bet his hand is grossly deformed.
24. You discover you have a long-lost twin. You exclaim:
A) It better not want any of my ^%&ing money!
B) How wonderful! I have a sibling!
C) Our spirits must be separated!
25. You're sipping a diet Coke. It tastes really sweet. You:
A) Wish it were a %^& beer!
B) Drink it quickly and buy another one.
C) Let the coke plummet to the ground and run away.
A's: You're not an X-Phile. Either you are a naturally vulgar person or you watched David Duchovny on the Larry Sanders Show.
B's: You're just a nice, average person with an occasional mean streak. No X-Phile tendencies here.
C's: You're a member of the Honorary X-Phile Society.