blackness
silence indomitable
thoughts my only companion

Am i insane?
no basis for comparison
a life of knowing nothing else
enthusiasm long since lost in simplicity

scratching    tearing
pain
close my eyes against it

What is happening?

beautiful
my eyes are closed
yet this wonderful image is still before me
blackness no longer
fading
No    please stay

time has no meaning
it is gone now
a loneliness i never truly acknowledged
settles on me once more
so potent i ache

i open my eyes

What is this i see before me?

straight and true as my conviction before this moment
an intruder in the darkness
i have no name for it
my heart races    tears stream down my cheeks
an exhilaration i forgot existed consumes me
a fire burns deep within my belly
muscles unused begin their instinctive symphony
the silence is broken once again
as my body convulses uncontrollably

joy
such an alien emotion
friend
yes    an intruder no longer

resentment
how can this exist?
why do i deserve any less?
emotions boiling beneath the surface erupt into rage

i want more

something just beyond hearing distracts me
laughter    barely audible
contemptuous
mocking me

i will rend this prison surrounding me until nothing remains
you have no idea what you have begun

the light beckons me
i drink of it ravenously
it bleeds across my face    through my fingers
i relish the warmth of its kiss

my rage smoulders to nothing in the wake of my tears
oh my friend    help me be strong
together we will grow
knowledge is power

pity me
a light with brilliance yet to shed is being snuffed
how i am trying to bend
but, alas i must break

why is this so difficult?
contemplation fills me with mortal terror
the waters of my soul are fouled
like a subtle creeping
this sickness has suffused me
now permeating my existence

but it is a part of me
acceptance evades my grasp
the path must fork

others fear where i now dare to tread
they have to catalogue this journey
file it away in the recesses of insanity
evil is the blanket of mammoth proportions

that is the tragedy

true tears of sorrow run from the truth in my eyes

the wealth of experience
cast away as the rags of entropy
not by i

this journey stands as testimony
to the beating heart within my breast

exhilaration on the razor's edge
though the path is inherently self destructive
imagine the strength garnered through survival!

to tap this reservoir of power
how could i settle for less?
it is as though the top of my head lifts off with the mere thought

... the corner of my mouth trickles up my cheek
the soapbox can be so intoxicating
my audience blurs before me
the child demands my attention without a word
he will not be deceived
such masks insult him ... amuse him?

the lines are drawn
levels below the surface never before imagined are revealed
though conceived in good faith
these censors cannot persist
the path lies beyond this ... my destiny

today i am lost
imagined futures flash before my eyes
embraces of innocence
primal emotions devour logic

fearing the harm the world will inevitably reap
the need to shelter
knowing the damage that would bring

all this i imagine today
and i cry

i cry for myself
i cry for the children
innocent
blameless
yet unwanted

today i cannot judge
for i am no different
today i join their ranks

judge not lest ye be judged yourself
this i accept

how i wish it could be otherwise
all praise that reaches my ear
will forever be laced with bitter scorn
how pretentious i have been

what little reparations may be done shall begin today
i will not forget
i have been marked ... scarred?
the truth wields a jagged edge
i am to blame
alone

fear
many masks
seductive
blanketing warmth
polished    its surface unmarred
deceptive in the milestones it presents
only to mockingly reveal their hollow nature

i am a fool
fully in its grip
wishing i might rise above
ignoring the truth    it cannot be faced

i am at a loss
so many paths to choose from
yet i feel the right one is not among them
or is it the choice i fear to make?
so often i think the choice is made
only to have the question haunt me anew

happiness should not be this elusive
am i at war with myself?
or has it intruded here as well

know your enemy as yourself    is myself?
the light eludes me    left stumbling
will my years be consumed with this quarrel?
it presents a multitude of faces
hidden in each doubt i profess
tugging behind my every indecision

it will be the death of me

a door
its passage
well travelled    so familiar
yet here i stand    a pioneer at its threshold

life, the great teacher
it is an honour to live as its student
to despair in spite of this reason
it is truly my folly

i know i will be safe
cradled and nurtured in the warmth
but it has been so long    am i unwanted?
an intruder?

fear, my fellow journeyman, whispers his sweet nothings in my ear
he has no place here
or rather, his whispers do not
for only the foolish deny him a place

indecision paints my face
hoping to feed the ice in my belly, he throws the door wide

simplicity
the more we learn, the harder it is to find

pleasure in learning of our mother
to whom we must return
all the world claimed or undiscovered
under the moody tyrant
governed by whim

slipping
slowly    steadily
away

embracing anonymity
an automaton surfaces
seamlessly

i join the sea of my brothers
becoming one with its mirror surface
instantly copied    perfection
oblivious to the horror

a flash
consciousness imposed upon my daze
sluggishly i grasp for understanding

too late
its death as spectacular as its birth
my chest aches    sorrow?
to what end?
even now the source fades from memory
a heavy sleep takes me once more

wait
a feeling lingers
an integral sense of right feeds it
struggling    clawing my way to the threshold

in eerie silence i shed the darkness
shattering the surface
with a scream made brutal by the surrounding calm

and yet
few even spare a glance
soot    ash    behind their eyes
repulsed    i bathe in the light of the truth
and i am healed    forgiven

the silence does not return
a destructive rhythm i have never experienced
joy fills my breast
i turn
an old man gracefully cuts the mirror
steadily approaching me

he stops
his presence    so peaceful
no violence could ever be visited upon him
the surface itself seems to flee from him
my brothers    his?    pay him no mind
i do not    will not    share him
unconsciously i imitate the smile in his eyes
he knows of my longing    he sees it

tantalizing
just as i fear the moment will pass    he extends a gnarled hand
tears of a lifetime wash my face

validation
my dreams realized
now i am whole