Occupation Jokes



MANAGEMENT TRAINING


RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from trainees, it will be our policy to keep all trainees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY-TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give trainees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your partner. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Trainees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.) . Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are already full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T). Those who have B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)



FLIGHT MAINTENANCE


"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
(Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)



From the "squawk sheets":

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.



ENGINEERS

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a heard of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is the first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence radius for the given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. She creats a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The Mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself, and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Acutally it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, " Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We have got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? you've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"



LAWYERS

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."



Tommy and Billy were discussing there parents professions:
Tommy said, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind." replied Tommy.!



The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"



A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"



Lawyerly Aspirations

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records...

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself.

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!



NERDS vs JOCKS

In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" I sumit the following:

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!

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