THE SOUL GARDENS  by Lori Summers



Part Three of the Yin Yang Trilogy


You and me, we used to be together
Every day together always
I really feel I'm losing my best friend 
I can't believe this could be the end 


Don't speak, I know just what you're saying 
So please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts 
Don't speak, I know what you're thinking 
I don't need your reasons 
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts 
	--No Doubt



Chapter 1:  REASONS

	Romana looked up from her latest issue of the Journal of the Gallifreyan Academy 
of Science.  Something wasn't right...she checked her watch.  Ace should be up by now 
and making her daily attempt to indoctrinate Romana into the wonderful world of pork-
based breakfast meat.  She stood up and went into the hall.
	"Ace?  Are you awake?" she called.  No answer.  She went down the hall towards 
Ace's room but stopped short as she heard a sound.  She listened closely and heard it 
again...a low moaning, coming from a side corridor.
	She quickened her step and followed the sound to the bathroom, where she found 
Ace in a heap on the floor with her head hanging over the toilet, her face pale.  Romana 
rushed in to kneel at her side, concerned.  In the month that Ace had been living in her 
TARDIS, the Time Lady had become extremely fond of her, and had also begun to feel 
quite protective of her and her baby...to the point that she was beginning to share Ace's 
hostility towards the baby's absent father.
	"Oh, Ace, are you all right?" she asked, putting an arm around her and smoothing 
back her damp hair.  "It looks like morning sickness isn't going to pass you by after all," 
she said, referring to a comment Ace had made just the previous evening about how well 
she felt despite the horror stories she'd heard about pregnancy.
	Ace coughed weakly.  "Famous last words...must have jinxed myself.  Romana, the 
next time I start to say anything positive about pregnancy do me a favor and smack 
me," she said, managing a smile.  Romana laughed and helped Ace to her feet.
	"Don't worry, we'll fix you up," she said, leading Ace to the comfortable study 
cum living room.  She sat her down in her favorite chair and hurried out, returning a 
moment later with a small glass of blue liquid.  Ace wrinkled her nose.
	"Looks like window cleaner," she said.
	"Just drink it.  It'll help with your nausea."
	Ace took the glass, held her nose and knocked it back.  The liquid hit her belly with 
a slow burn like a shot of Jagermeister...but when the burning dissipated the nausea was 
gone.  She handed the glass back to Romana, a look of wonder dawning on her face.  
"Amazing...I feel fine!"
	Romana grinned.  "You didn't think I'd accept a pregnant woman as a houseguest 
without stocking up on some handy prenatal remedies, did you?"
	Ace jumped up, rejuvenated, her hand going to her still-flat belly.  "That's what I 
like about you, Romana...you think ahead."  The clause "unlike some others I could 
mention" was simply understood between them.  
	Romana watched as Ace went to her workbench and picked up the pieces of a Type 
5 phase blaster she'd been fiddling with.  "I still wish you'd let me contact him," she 
said after a moment's consideration.  Ace's lips thinned.
	"You know how I feel about that.  I'm fine on my own...probably better."
	"Ace, I understand how you feel..."
	"It's not that I don't appreciate what you're trying to say, Romana, but you can't 
possibly understand how I feel," Ace replied shortly.
	"Why not?" Romana asked softly, sitting down on a stool at Ace's side.
	Ace put down the blaster and folded her hands, not looking at her friend.  "Romana, 
my husband informed me that I didn't mean enough to him to risk feeling bad someday.  It 
was more important for him to keep his emotions under tight control than for us to be 
together."
	"That's not what he said."
	"Maybe not, but that's what he meant.  I once told him that his whole life he'd 
chosen safety, and that it was time to decide if this time he'd choose the risk.  He chose 
the risk...but he changed his mind when it became...inconvenient."  She picked up the 
blaster again.  "He could only keep loving me as long as it didn't interfere with his nice 
tidy view of the universe."
	"Despite everything, he should still know he's to be a father," Romana said quietly.
	"No," Ace replied emphatically.  "He's not going to ruin this too.  He's already 
taken everything that meant anything to me, and sooner or later he'll do the same thing 
to her.  I won't allow it."
	Romana shook her head sadly.  "You can't forgive him, can you?"
	Ace looked up at her for the first time.  "I've forgiven him so many times, 
Romana, I just can't do it anymore.  Not this time.  I really believed that he'd for once in 
his life made a real commitment, and he threw it back in my face.  I won't give him the 
chance to betray me, ever again."  She turned her attention to the blaster.  Romana 
stood slowly and went to the door, turning back at the last moment as if to say 
something further, then thought better of it.  She'd been about to ask Ace if she still 
loved him, but they both knew the answer to that.  Romana left Ace to her tinkering and 
went back to her journals.


	The Doctor walked down the tree-lined London street, periodically checking a small 
piece of paper in his hand.  Finally he came to a stop in front of a fashionable, expensive 
townhouse.  With a small sigh he mounted the stairs and rang the bell.
	After a moment it was opened by a petite cheerful-looking woman in her early 
50's...but very well preserved and resplendent in tight clothing and jewelry.  Jo 
regarded the Time Lord on her doorstep and took about half a second to assess his 
situation, but she knew he'd expect her to keep up appearances.  She smiled broadly,
displaying a perky array of teeth the Doctor remembered well.  "Doctor!  You found 
me," she said, flinging her arms around his neck.
	He staggered backwards a bit, hugging her back.  "Yes, Jo.  It wasn't too difficult, 
your directions were excellent."
	"Well come in before the neighbors start to talk," she said teasingly, standing 
aside to let him in.  He looked around the foyer of the palatial brownstone.  It was 
decorated much like its owner...unabashedly displaying the money behind it and somehow 
combining ostentatiousness and taste with a dash of tackiness thrown in for good 
measure.  He grinned.  If he hadn't known he could have guessed that such a home
belonged to his old friend, the well-traveled, filthy rich and irrepressible socialite Jo 
Grant.  "I was surprised to get your letter," she said, taking his arm and leading him 
through the foyer into a cozy sitting room decorated in a bizarre synergy of art deco 
and Louis XIV.  "I mean, I don't see you in over a decade and then twice in as many 
years."
	"Well...I was in the area and I thought I'd look you up..."  He trailed off.
	Jo sat him down on a white leather settee and went into the small tea kitchen, 
casting a knowing glance at the back of his head.  She got out some cups and pulled his 
favorite kind of tea from the cupboard.   She kept it around just in case.  "So what 
brings you to Earth?"
	"When have I ever needed a reason to come here?"
	Jo shrugged.  "Most of the time I've known you you were trying desperately to get 
*off* this planet.  It's just a question."  She handed him a cup and sat down opposite him 
on a brocade wing chair.
	He sipped the tea, not meeting her eyes.  "So...have you seen anyone lately?"
	"Come, Doctor, I see people all the time."
	"You know what I mean."
	She smiled and nodded.  "Let me see...I was at what passed for a reception at UNIT 
a few months ago...someone's retirement.  I saw Tegan there, and the Brigadier."
	"How is Tegan?"
	"Fine.  She's taken over the scientific counterintelligence task force."
	The Doctor frowned.  "Seems a bit out of her experience."
	"Hardly.  The task force doesn't exist.  It's a front for a group of operatives that 
hunt aliens, basically."
	"Ah.  That makes more sense.  Has there been a lot of activity lately?"
	"I wouldn't know.  I'm not exactly in the loop anymore, as they say."  He nodded 
and fell silent, turning his teacup around in his hands.  Jo set down her own cup and sat 
back, crossing her arms.  "Doctor, why don't you tell me about what really brought you 
here?"
	He looked up at her with a hand-in-the-cookie-jar expression of guilt on his face.  
"What do you mean?" he said evenly.
	"Oh, come on.  You look like death warmed over, Ace isn't with you, and by my 
count you've fiddled with your wedding ring seven times in the last five minutes."  She 
leaned forward.  "Doctor, you haven't visited me voluntarily in...well, come to think of 
it you've never visited me voluntarily.  I don't hold that against you and I know it's not 
because you didn't want to, but why me at this particular moment?  Couldn't have 
anything to do with the fact that I've been divorced three times, could it?  Misery loves 
company, you know."
	The Doctor looked at her and seemed about to protest again, but then he just sighed 
and cast his eyes downward.  "Ace and I...we're separated."
	Jo sighed sadly.  "Oh, Doctor...I'm sorry.  What happened?  You'd better start at 
the beginning."
	So he did.  He told her the whole story...Fenric, Constantinople, Daleks, stun 
weapons.  He tried to explain his reasons but they didn't come out too clearly.  He was 
still loathe to examine his own motivations too closely lest he discover that black center 
of motivated self-interest that Ace had accused him of having.  Jo listened closely, 
never taking her eyes off his face.  He finished with his departure, although he left out 
his momentary lapse into despair in the TARDIS immediately afterwards.
	He waited for Jo to say something.  She just sat there, that expression of concern 
frozen on her face.  He looked at her questioningly.  "That's it," he said lamely.
	Jo sat still for another moment and then suddenly leaned forward and took the 
teacup from his hand, picking up her own and striding into the tea kitchen.  Through the 
window in the wall he watched, puzzled, as she tossed the cups rather harshly into the 
sink and stood there with her hands on the edge of the countertop.  "I think you'd better 
leave," she said sharply.
	He stood slowly.  "What are you talking about?"
	Her head snapped up and she came back into the sitting room.  "You can ask me 
that?  A man who would do such an unbelievably selfish and horrible thing to the woman 
he claims to love is not welcome in my house, even if it is you."
	The Doctor's mouth hung open.  He'd expected just about anything but this hostility. 
 "Jo...I don't..."
	She sighed and put her hands on her hips.  "When we were working together, you 
were many things I disliked.  You were arrogant, you were condescending, you were 
self-absorbed and downright stiff, but you were...you were a gentleman, you had some 
consideration!  You wouldn't have done something so awful in a million years!" she cried.
	"I could never have loved her then!" the Doctor exclaimed.  "I was too young, I was 
too in love with myself!"  He put a hand over his eyes.  "I don't know how you humans do 
this."
	"Do what?"
	"Love, marriage, relationships, all of it!  You make it look so easy!"
	She shook her head.  "Well,  it's not easy, and if you thought it would be then you 
were sorely misinformed from the outset.  And it's true that love can bring out the best 
and the worst in people."  She leaned against the doorjamb.  The Doctor remained 
standing a few feet away, turned partially away from her.  "What's happened to you, 
Doctor?"  He turned to look at her.  "On second thought, don't answer that, let me.  
You've lost control, and I can't imagine anything more distasteful to you.  You must 
really love her.  How else could you have treated her with such cruelty?"
	The Doctor sank down on the settee again, his eyes far away.  "I couldn't stand it 
anymore, Jo.  The knowledge that someday...she'd be gone, and wondering what I'd do 
then."
	"Oh, you don't have to explain, I've heard it all before.  Men...they're all alike, 
Time Lords too.  Control freaks, every last one of them.  Why do you think they're so
afraid of women and commitment?  Because it means they lose some control...not so 
much over their lives, but over their own feelings.  If you love someone, it gives them 
power over you.  The power to distract you, to make you feel good and to make you feel 
bad," Jo said in a tight voice, speaking with the authority of bitter experience.  
"Couldn't handle it, could you?"
	He sighed.  "Seems I came to the right person after all," he said, his voice laced 
with irony.
	"Is that so?  So how is your newfound independence working out?  I suppose it's 
business as usual...and all your emotions are once again under heavy guard and rigid 
control," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.  He glanced up at her but said 
nothing.  She leaned over him.  "Why did you come here?  So I could commiserate with 
you about separations and divorces and tell you it was all for the best?  I'm sorry, I 
can't do that.  There *are* valid reasons for couples to separate, but what can you 
point to?  You still love each other, neither of you is sleeping around...and I can't help 
thinking about how happy you both looked at the reception.  The only reason for this 
separation is your cowardice, Doctor!" she said, punctuating her last words with jabs of 
her index finger in his direction.
	"You think I don't know that?" he exclaimed suddenly, jumping up to face her.  "You 
think I haven't spent the last month wondering what in Rassilon's name I was thinking?"  
He held her gaze for a moment, seeing the light dawn in her eyes as she realized what it 
was that had really brought him here.  He turned and went to the window, staring out at 
the street.
	Jo crossed her arms over her chest, marveling that someone could so thoroughly 
screw their life up in so short a time.  "Doctor, I certainly hope that you've gotten 
better at admitting that you're wrong...Lord knows my Doctor was no good at it."  He 
didn't answer.  "What is it that you want?" she asked softly.
	"I don't know anymore," he answered in a hushed voice.  "I thought that I could go 
back to the way things were before...but I can't go back.  Everything's different, *I'm* 
different.  She changed me in so many ways, and I can't change back to the way I was.  
The problem is...the person I am now needs her," he said, his voice catching at the end.  
"Everything she ever said about me was true, and everything you just said about me 
was true.  I thought that if I distanced myself from her...oh, I don't know what I thought. 
 But it's worse.  It's a thousand times worse than I ever dreamed.  It's as though...as if I 
had a cold and I tried to cure it by shooting myself!  I had some anxieties, but instead of 
trying to deal with them I ran away!  I got scared, Jo."  He looked over at her, his eyes 
full of naked vulnerability.  "How do you think that makes me feel?  I..."  He swallowed 
hard and hung his head.  "I promised myself that this time, I wouldn't hurt her.  Now I've 
hurt her worse than ever before.  I may have lost her forever...and all because of my 
idiotic fear.  I've never hated myself as much as I do now."
	Jo regarded him through narrowed eyes.  She could understand his pain and feel 
sorry for him, but she had precious little sympathy for him.  He'd brought this on 
himself, and she still couldn't believe that he'd actually just up and left her like that.  
"You're going to try and get her back?" she asked.  He said nothing.  "Well, good luck!" 
she said vehemently.  The Doctor jumped.  "If I were her I'd tell you to go soak your 
head, after what you've done!"
	"I don't know what to do, Jo!" he implored.  "I've never been in this kind of 
situation before!"
	"First of all, let's not lose sight of just who it was that got you into this situation.  
Second of all, I'll tell you exactly what to do.  Get your skinny arse out of this house, 
find her and then get down on your knees and BEG for her forgiveness, which 
incidentally you don't deserve."  She grabbed his arm and dragged him through the 
foyer.  She opened the front door and thrust him out onto the step.  He stared up at her, 
a stunned expression on his face.  Jo softened a bit.  "Listen, Doctor, you will always be 
my friend, you know that.  But...what you did was really low.  My advice to you is to 
try and make it right again, if you can.  Not everyone is lucky enough to find their true 
love...I've yet to find mine in 30 years of trying.  Those that do should hang on tight
with both hands...and you just threw yours away."


From the 500 Year Diary of Lady Romanadveratrelundar, Lord President of Gallifrey


	Just returned from a three-day stop on Heaven.  Her idea, I tried to talk her out of 
it but just try talking her out of anything.  Wasn't bad, actually.  Since the Hoothi the 
planet's grown up again in its natural ecosystem, inhabitants lead a simpler life.  Did
some hiking, made some contacts among the locals.  Think she just wanted to see for 
herself how much the place had changed since she was last there with the Doctor.  One 
thing...unnerved me a bit.
	Parked the TARDIS near the observatory that Benny found, now in the middle of a 
field surrounded by woods.  Picturesque.  The last night we were there A. went to bed 
early, I was restless, went out for a walk, a rainstorm came up sudden.  Hurried back 
to the TARDIS and poked my head into A.'s room (a habit since nightmares started) but 
she was gone.  Was somehow sure she'd gone outside even though it was pouring.
Grabbed a blanket and ran out, found her sitting on the ground near the observatory, 
staring up at the sky, soaking wet and sort of rocking back and forth.  I wrapped her up
and all but carried her back...don't think she was really awake.  She doesn't remember.  
But then again, she also doesn't remember the half a dozen or so times I've woken her 
from her nightmares when they make her cry out in her sleep...several times she's 
called for him, and she definitely doesn't remember that.
	Can't help worrying.  If she'd express some emotion, any emotion, that would be 
upsetting but normal.  She's like a rock, never cries, she never yells or screams or 
anything.  I know she developed detachment during her life, but she's an emotional 
person and it can't be healthy.  She spends a lot of time in the gym, where no doubt she 
pours a lot into the poor punching bag.  I've tried to draw her out a number of times.  
She talks to me openly, but when the subject turns to her feelings she never wants to 
talk about them.  Don't know how to help her, out of my depth.  Physically seems fine.  
Aside from semi-regular morning sickness her pregnancy has been pretty uneventful, 
according to the books I've read.  Claims to be tired often but I don't see any evidence of 
that.  Her bad dreams are probably hormonal as well, and her recent emotional upheaval 
can't be helping.
	Sometimes I curse him when I look at her.  She's got to be repressing a great deal 
and when it breaks free, it'll be rough.  I wonder what he's up to and if he's going along 
his merry way "footloose and fancy free," as they say.  And it makes me more relieved 
than ever that I never got that emotionally involved with him.  
	Starting to see as well why he always chose to have a companion.  It definitely has 
its rewards.   I know she's planning to stay until the baby is born...hope she stays 
longer.  I find myself looking forward to being a part of that baby's life.  Hmm...Aunt 
Romana.  Sounds nice.  That seems to be the only thing that gives her any real joy these 
days.  Lately she's been thinking about names and where she'd like to go to give birth.  
She's narrowed it down to Earth in the early 21st (sentimental value, mostly), the 
Domain (probably the safest) or Gallifrey.  That last one, not so sure about.  If news 
were to get around about that baby's parentage it could turn into a bit of circus, even if 
we do have the best medical facilities in the cosmos.  I think she's leaning towards Earth 
anyway.
	Right now just coasting along, no real destination.  Might land somewhere neutral 
and relax for a time.  Neither of us feels quite up to saving the universe at the moment, 
although we've already tried our hand at that once.  We make a pretty good team.  The 
fruit basket that the Delmar of the Mannic Kolrabes gave us as a token of his gratitude is 
starting to smell a bit, though.


	Vishna Zakarian strode through the main chamber towards the throne room, her 
boots clocking hollowly on the dark flagstone floors and her cape billowing out behind 
her.  Passing Legion guards gave her a wide berth, she had *that look* on her face that 
said "stay out of my way or suffer the consequences."  No one ever challenged Vishna.  
A handful of Legion who had managed to get on the majordomo's bad side had never been 
heard from again.
	She walked purposefully through the near-deserted throne room to Seth's private 
office, behind an unobtrusive camouflaged door to the left of the dais.  The Stronghold
was a study in gothic excesses, but Seth's rooms were understated and elegant.  The 
office was paneled in dark mahogany and furnished in forest green and saddle tan 
leather, an Oriental rug covering the floor.  The desk itself was a mammoth intricately 
carved item that must have weighed several tons.  A middle-aged rather matronly 
woman sat behind the desk, making notes and consulting several notepads at once.  She 
looked up sharply as Vishna entered the room and spoke with a voice not her own.
	"You're ten minutes late," he said.	
	"I'm sorry, I was...detained."
	Seth's brow furrowed and he snatched off the bifocals that his current body 
required.  "Something wrong?"
	"Oh, the usual."  Vishna sat down in the wide leather chair that she though of as 
"her" chair.  "Don't worry about it."  She leaned forward and flipped open her notebook.  
"Okay.  The Tharen infiltration is going well so far.  No sign of Guardian babysitters 
yet."
	"Just wait."
	"I know, but let's enjoy the peace while it lasts.  We did, however, lose two squads 
in a skirmish in sector 56."
	Seth sighed.  "How did that happen?"
	Vishna shrugged.  "I think there might have been another informer in the squad."
	"This is getting out of hand, Vishna.  These Guardian defectors are becoming an 
epidemic!"
	Vishna's lips thinned.  "I'm looking into it."
	"Very well."  Seth stood and went to his Glass.  "What do you know of this Time 
Lord?" he asked, and the Glass swirled and focused on a picture of a sharp-featured man 
with a goatee and a mustache.
	"I don't recognize him.  Is this image current?"
	"It wouldn't matter if it was.  He's known as the Master, and he's exhausted his 
normal regenerative cycle and managed to extend it through various unnatural and 
synthetic means.  He's currently in a similar predicament to my own...forced to 
commandeer body after body as he struggles to hang on to the shreds of his physical 
life."
	"You're sure this man is a Time Lord?"  Vishna asked, puzzled.  This wasn't normal 
behavior for them.
	Seth smiled.  "He's an outcast, a renegade."
	"Like the Doctor?"
	"Not quite.  He and the Doctor are mortal enemies, have been for centuries."
	"Maybe we should try to convert him."
	"I've thought about it, but I don't think he'd take to kindly to the idea.  I prefer to 
just give him a nudge here and there...and he needs one now.  If he doesn't get a 
breakthrough soon he'll be unable to maintain his corporeal integrity.  He'll die.  I'd 
rather he didn't die just yet."
	"What did you have in mind?" Vishna asked, smiling.
	Seth sat down and steepled his fingers in front of his face.  "Oh, I think we can find 
some way to help him hang on to his physical existence, but let's let him take all the 
credit.  He's far more dangerous when he thinks he's infallible."


	Romana pushed open the door to the gym.  Ace was at the far end with the 
stationary punching bag, gloveless and sweaty.  Romana made her way through the 
myriad of equipment to watch as Ace threw a series of expert punches and kicks at the 
silently accepting bag, grunting under her breath.  She glanced over at Romana.  "Hey," 
Ace said between blows, flashing a brief smile at her traveling companion.
	"You've been down here for hours," Romana said.  "Don't overexert yourself."
	Ace grinned.  It was nice to see.  "Oh, this is nothing.  In my heyday I used to work 
out four or five hours a day, sometimes more.  It was the only thing that would break 
my concentration, stop me from thinking too much."
	"I suppose that explains why you've taken it up again so enthusiastically," Romana 
said archly.
	Ace paused to toss a wry glance in her direction, then resumed pummeling the bag.  
"Touche, I guess."  She stopped then and stepped back, hands on her hips, breathing hard.
	"Are you feeling all right?"
	She nodded.  "Yeah, pretty good actually.  I'm hungry all the time, though."
	"Not surprising."  A companionable silence fell as Ace put her hands on her knees 
and leaned over, catching her breath.  She finally sat down cross-legged on the mat.
	"I think I've thought up some good names," she said.
	Romana smiled.  "Tell me."
	"Well...I like Kathleen.  After my grandmother.  I thought of naming her after 
Maire.  It was really Maire that kept me from getting caught up in real chaos after 
Heaven.  I would have ended up a lot wilder and I'd probably be in jail somewhere or dead 
if it weren't for her.  But I didn't want to take the exact name Maire and the closest 
thing would probably be Mary and that's just so...I don't know, churchy.  And I thought 
of naming her after you."
	Romana looked up, surprised.  "Really?  You'd actually saddle your poor daughter 
with a name like Romanadveratrelundar?"
	"No, not the whole thing," Ace said, laughing.  "Just Romana.  I still might use that 
as a middle name."
	Romana smiled, touched.  "What about your own name?"
	"No way.  No daughter of mine will be named Dorothy."  Her smile faltered.  "She'll 
be a Time Lord, won't she?"  Romana nodded.  "What if she wants to go to the Academy 
and become a real Time Lord?  Could she?"
	"Well, there's no precedent for anyone other than a full Gallifreyan attending the 
Academy," Romana said.  Ace looked away, having no intention of correcting the slight 
inaccuracy in that statement.  "But speaking for myself I don't see why she shouldn't.  If 
you wanted to raise her Gallifreyan, that is."
	"I don't know about that.  God, there are so many questions.  I'm worried about her 
already and she hasn't even been born yet."
	Romana smiled.  "I gather that's the short definition of being a parent."  The 
intercom alert buzzed.  Romana got up and went to find out what the TARDIS wanted.
Ace picked up her towel and mopped the sweat off her brow.  "Ace!  Transmission for 
you!"
	Ace got up and threw the towel over her shoulders.  "Pipe it through to my room, 
will you?"  She trotted down the hall into her room and turned on the monitor.  She was 
constantly and pleasantly surprised by how much nicer Romana's TARDIS was than the 
Doctor's.  None of the rooms in his TARDIS had personal communication terminals.  The
computerized voice informed her of the incoming transmission and then the screen was 
filled with Benny's face.
	Ace grinned.  "Hey, Benny!"
	She didn't look happy.  She waved a crumpled piece of paper in front of the screen.  
Ace recognized it as her last letter, which had described recent events.  "What the hell 
is this?" Benny exclaimed.
	"I thought it was pretty self-explanatory."
	"Please tell me it's some sort of sick joke."
	Ace sobered.  "It's not a joke, Benny."
	Benny sighed and dropped her hand.  "Fine.  Just tell me two things.  Number one, 
are you all right?  Number two, where the hell is he so I can go kick his ass!"
	Ace smiled slightly.  "First, I'm fine, and second, I'm not telling you because I don't 
know and because you'd actually do it."
	"You're sure there's not some sort of reasonable explanation?"
	"In other words, isn't there something that I did to drive him away?" Ace said 
angrily.  "There's no reasonable explanation, Benny!  We were..."  She sighed.  "What do 
you think I've been asking myself?  At first it was all I could think about.  Did I do 
something, did I miss something, weren't there some clues I could have picked up on.
But there isn't!  That's such a typical attitude and I started to disgust myself after 
awhile.  This was not my fault...he just turned tail and ran."
	"Ace, I understand, really.  I know him too, and I might have even expected this."  
The view shifted downwards as Benny sat down.  "You were becoming too important to 
him, and God forbid anything might start to mean enough to him that it would impede his 
ability to be Time's Bloody Champion.  So he backed off and left you holding the 
proverbial bag and carrying his child.  Bastard."  She leaned forward.  "And now you sit 
there and have the nerve to tell me you're fine."
	"I'm fine, Benny."
	"Bullshit!  You're always fine, Ace!  Well, you might be fine to Romana and fine to 
Theo and fine to the rest of the cosmos but don't try and put that over on me.  You're not 
fine and we both know it."  Ace dropped her eyes, feeling a traitorious lump rise in her 
throat.  "I know how important it is for you to keep up appearances and act like it 
doesn't matter.  I know how much you need for everyone to look at you and marvel at 
how strong you are.  But this is me here.  I've seen you at your damned worst.  I know 
how deeply you feel things and how good you've become at repressing.  Cut the Iron Jane 
act.  This has got to have affected you."  She stopped and waited.
	Ace leaned forward on her desk, her elbows crossed on the edge.  She didn't look at 
Benny as she spoke.  "Of course it's affected me," she said almost too softly for Benny 
to hear.  "But..."  She fetched a deep sigh.  She hadn't really talked about her own 
feelings much and it felt strange.  "I'm afraid to really think about how I feel."
	"Why?"
	"Because...well, because I'm afraid that if I let myself think about it it'll just hurt 
so much that it'll overwhelm me and I won't be able to move or think or anything."
	"And it's much easier to just be angry and determined...those you can detach from."
	Ace nodded.  "Yeah."  She swiped a hand across her eyes, but she knew she 
wouldn't cry.  She doubted the tears would even come.  "It's just hard to know where to 
start.  It's like every single emotion known to man was mashed together in a Veg-o-
matic and then just tossed into my head.  I'm not sure I can sort it all out."
	Benny took a breath and bit her lip.  "Well...when you think of him, how do you 
feel?"
	"I'm angry.  I'm so angry I can't even feel all of it at once or I'll explode," she said 
tightly.  "But there's more.  I feel betrayed, for the millionth time.  The anger's starting 
to fade, though.  It's hard to maintain it when I don't see him or know what he's doing."
	"Do you...still love him?"
	"Yes," Ace said without hesitating.  "I don't think that will ever change.  Once you 
start loving someone like that it's not so easy to stop."  Benny nodded, understanding.  
"And I miss him," she said softly.  "In the last year he'd become so many things to 
me...things he'd been before and things that were new.  I miss my best friend, and my 
lover, and my teacher, and my partner...I miss my husband.  God, I hate him!" she spat 
with sudden venom.  She clenched her fists.  "The reason I miss him is that he's not with 
me, and the reason he's not with me is because he left me like a piece of garbage!  No 
reason, no warning, just Sorry, Ace, it's too much trouble, I'd rather not be bothered, 
have a nice life."  She pounded one fist on her desk hard enough to make the monitor 
jump.  "Well I hope he's satisfied.  This time he's really screwed me up.  It might take 
me a while to bounce back from this one."
	Benny shut her eyes momentarily.  What a fucking mess.  "I gather he doesn't know 
about...um, about..."
	"No, he doesn't, and that's the way it'll stay."
	"Is that wise?"
	"I don't care, that's the way it'll be.  My daughter will be just that...mine."  Ace 
fetched a deep sigh.  "I'm sorry, Benny, I don't mean to unload all this on you."
	"Don't be stupid, Ace.  Why do you think I called?  You've got to talk about this or 
you'll go nuts.  You've got to put it behind you."
	"Part of me wants to, but...I've scarcely admitted this to myself, but..."
	"Part of you is still hoping."
	Ace nodded.  "Maybe it's stupid.  I'm sure he's finding life a lot easier without me 
around to cramp his style.  He's probably wondering why he didn't walk out sooner," she 
said bitterly.  "And I don't know if I could ever trust him again, but still..."  She trailed 
off.
	"Hope springs eternal." Silence fell between them for a moment.  Benny sighed then 
and smiled into the monitor.  "Listen, take care of yourself, Ace.  I mean that.  It's not 
just yourself you're looking after now, remember."
	"I know, Benny.  Believe me, I'm intensely aware of that.  Thanks for ringing.  
Maybe Romana and I will stop by and visit."
	"That'd be great.  You're welcome anytime.  You know where to reach me if you 
need to talk again," she said, and with a grin leaned forward to shut down the 
transmission.  The monitor went blank.  Ace sighed and flopped down on her bed, feeling 
drained.  She held her left hand up in front of her eyes.  Her wedding ring sparkled in the 
dim light.  Slowly, deliberately, Ace reached out and pulled it off.  It wasn't easy, the 
ring had been there for over a year and her finger were a bit swollen from the workout, 
but it came off eventually.  She reached over and carefully deposited the ring in her 
earring bowl on the bedside table.  She lay back down, curling into a ball, a wave of 
sadness washing over her.  Her left hand felt foreign and naked without the ring, and as 
she stared at the circle of paler skin where it had been she felt very keenly the absence 
of all the things he'd taken with him, and the part of her heart that still belonged to him 
wept in her chest even as her eyes remained dry.