The Adventures of Krycek and Cancer Man

The Adventures Of Krycek And Cancer Man

Chris Carter sat at his typewriter, writing the final draft of The X-Files movie. There was a knock at the door.
"Come in," said Chris, who had naively left his door unlocked in the middle of the night. The door swung open to reveal Krycek and the Cancer Man.
"Oh, Bill! Nick! How nice to see-URK!" Krycek had him in a hand grip up against the wall.
"We're not Bill and Nick. We are the Cancer Man and Krycek." said Cancer Man.
"Huh?" said a bemused Chris. "You're not taking method acting again, are you?"
"Finish him." Cancer Man commanded.
Krycek smiled and GRAPHIC VIOLENCE SCENE.

"Now we can begin," said Cancer Man, sitting on the couch. Krycek stuffed CC's body in the trash can,and moved to the typewriter.
"How does he finish it?" Cancer Man asked.
"Scully and Mulder kill the aliens and bring the past 50 years of evil,incompetent government to light, anarchy ensues, and Mulder's sister is dropped off after staying out 30 years after curfew."
"Toss it," Cancer Man commanded. Krycek scrunched the page into a ball and threw it in the trash.
"How will we do it?" Krycek inquired, putting a fresh sheet in the typewriter. "Kill Mulder and Scully in the first few minutes?"
"No," said the Cancer Man, surprised at Krycek's unoriginality. "Mental angst is so much better!"
"But I wanna pound 'em!"
"Why are you so aggressive?"
"They've got more websites than me," Krycek said sadly.
"Don't worry," replied Cancer Man, drifting off into fantasyland now, "The day will come when we own every internet server in the world."
Terror filled Krycek's eyes. "But how will we overthrow Bill Gates?"
Cancer Man could not believe Krycek's stupidity. "He's one of us!"

"So read to me what we've got so far," Cancer Man said.

The Adventures Of Krycek and Cancer Man

Scene: Scully's apartment

Scully gets out of bed

Scully: "Oh, what a lovely day it is!"

Walks into bathroom (cue dripping sound)

Scully: "Where's that dripping coming from?"

Looks under sink

Scully: "Oh, shit!"

Scully sees leak under sink

Scully: "Oh well, I can fix this."

Goes and gets tools

Scully: "Just a twist here, a turn there, and-"

WOOSH

Scully: "Oh, crapsydoodle!"

Cancer Man raised his eyebrow. "'Crapsydoodle'? What kind of swear word is that?"
Krycek shrugged. "I learned it from a kid I babysat."
"You BABYSAT?!? Who the hell would hire you to babysit?!?"
"I happen to be very good with kids...I teach them how to build bombs."

Water gets deeper and deeper as Scully tries to reach her cell phone.

Scully: "Mulderrr..I *Glub* geed your gelp..."

Scene: Mulder's apartment

Mulder leaps out of bed

Mulder (singing): "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..."

"Mulder SINGS?!?" Krycek said.
"It's an added humiliation," The Cancer Man replied.

Mulder: "La la la la la la la la la la...what the fu-"

Cue squeak

"I love how you incorporated the rats swarming around his apartment." Cancer Man noted.
Krycek sniggered. "They don't call me 'Ratboy' for nothing!"

Mulder: "Aaaah! Get offa me!"

Rats nibble on his feet

Phone rings

Mulder steps amongst squeaking rats and checks his Caller ID box.

CALLER OUT OF RANGE

Mulder: "Goddamn it!"

Picks up Caller ID box and throws it on the floor in a rage.

SQUEAK!

Mulder: "I can't even throw the !#@* Caller ID box on the *&!@ floor without hitting a

$#@* rat!"

Scene: Headquarters

Cancer Man: "It is time to get rid of Mulder and Scully."

Krycek: "Shall I kill them?"

Cancer Man: "No. We will kick them out of the bureau."

Krycek: "Won't there be a public outcry?"

Cancer Man: "Not now that I've changed their records - Scully's 'Abduction' was really time

spent in a nuthouse for a nervous breakdown."

Krycek: "And Mulder?"

Cancer Man: "You really think we need an explanation for Mulder?"

Beautiful blonde in tank top comes up to Krycek

"Who said anything about a beautiful blonde?" Cancer Man asked.
"More people will come to see the movie that way."
"Who cares? This is far bigger than a mere movie."
"But," Krycek looked at him with puppy dog eyes, "I haven't been on a date for a year!"
"The puppy dog eyes are useless. There is to be no blonde in a tank top."
"Alright," Krycek sulked, scribbling out the blonde.

Scene: Mulder's apartment

Mulder: "Shoo! Shoo! Go away! Stop nibbling my crackers - NOT MY

PLAYBOY COLLECTION!!"

Rats shred up the porn for nesting material

Doorbell

Mulder: "Come in...if you can..."

Door opens and Scully appears in soggy pajamas

Mulder: "What's with you?"

Scully: "The plumbing broke...(looks around at rats) I called but you didn't answer..."

Mulder: "That Caller ID is a piece of crap."

Cut to shot of rats nibbling at the wires of the Caller ID box

Scully: "I can see that. What's with all the rats?"

Mulder: "I dunno...I woke up and they were just HERE."

Scully: "Do you think you can help me fix my plumbing?"

Mulder: "Sure, we can take a few rats and stuff 'em up the pipes."

Scene: Scully's apartment

Scully is under the sink with a caulking gun.

Scully: "There! I really think this caulk will work well!"

Gets out from under sink

Sink: "Drip...drip...drip..."

Scully: "No...it can't be..."

Looks under sink, sees drip

Scully: "Noooooooo!"

Scully puts caulking gun to her head

Mulder comes in, carrying something

Mulder: "Look, you got some mail."

Scully takes the mail

Scully: "Bill, bill...what's this?"

Looks at letter from the FBI

Scully: "'Just writing to say that the X-Files are finished and so are you.' Mulder, we've been

kicked out of the bureau! What are we going to do?" (looks wistfully at plumbing) "And how

will I pay for this plumbing?"

Mulder and Scully are silent for a few moments

Mulder: "I got it! You remember that Monty Python episode where Terry Jones hits the mice

to make them squeak to the tune of 'The Bells of St. Mary's'?"

Scully gives Mulder a look

Scully: "No, I'm afraid I missed that one..."

Mulder: "Well, with all the rats in my apartment, I'm sure we can figure something out..."

Scene: Tacky Vegas nightclub

Announcer: "And introducing our newest act - Mulder & Scully's singing rats!"

Curtain opens to reveal Mulder in tuxedo and cheesy grin.

Mulder: "Thank you, thank you...after many hours of meticulous practice, my partner Scully

and I have trained these rats to squeak a tune - Scully?"

Scully walks onstage in a long sequined gown and feathers in her hair, pushing a little trolley

with the rats in it.

Mulder: "And here we have - THE AMAZING SINGING RATS!!!"

Starts whacking the rats while Scully stands nearby making Vanna White motions.

Cut to shot of Krycek and Cancer Man in the audience

Cancer Man: "With Mulder and Scully out of the way, we can begin."

Krycek: "But there's still one who could stand in our way - Skinner."

Cancer man: "Watch."

Mulder: "And for our next preformance, Skinner will juggle three live chainsaws!"

The End

"Perfect," said the Cancer Man.
"When do we try to sell it to the movies guys?" asked Krycek.
"We have an appointment with a studio tomorrow." Cancer Man replied.

The next day Cancer Man and Krycek were motioned into Mr. Bigshot's office.
"Cancer Man, Krycek, sit down, sit down!" Mr. Bigshot said. "Would you like some coffee?"
"No thank you," they replied, sitting down.
"Now, I've taken a look at this script, and I don't think we're going to be able to do a deal."
"Why not?" asked Cancer Man.
"Because you can't promise me any big names."
"But we've got David Duchovny! Gillian Anderson!"
"You can't guarantee them. Show me a contract with their names on it, and then we'll talk."

And so Cancer Man and Krycek met with DD and GA's agents.
"So we were hoping you could just have your clients sign on the dotted line, and we could get this thing moving," Cancer Man said, handing over the contract.
The two agents exchanged glances.
"Let's have a look at the script first." one replied.
Krycek gave it to them and DD's agent frowned.
"'The Adventures of Krycek and Cancer Man'. First of all, that's no good. For my client to star in this, he has to be in the title. How about, 'David Duchovny Flashes His Ass'?"
"But he doesn't!" Krycek said.
"So put it in."
"Eeeew!" said Krycek, making a face.
GA's agent spoke up. "My client cannot be in this."
"Why not?!?" Cancer Man demanded, putting a cigarette in his mouth.
"Because she appears in soggy pajamas - very unglamourous."
"Likewise," added DD's agent, "My client cannot be seen among all these rats. It would alienate the environmentalist DDEBers."
"But the mental angst - it's perfect!" Cancer Man said, puffing agitatedly on his Morely.
"Perfect but not sexy. How about... the problem is, he has all these women beating down his door and..."
Krycek started to bang his head on the table.
"You're ruining the plot," Cancer Man said disgustedly, puffing very rapidly now.
"Sorry, those are our terms." GA's agent nodded agreement.

"So what do we do now?" Krycek asked Cancer Man once outside.
"We compromise," replied Cancer Man.
"But we can't - it'll ruin it!"
"The means are of no importance if the end is the same."
"Alright" said Krycek, reluctantly scribbling out "The Adventures of Krycek and Cancer Man", and writing "David Duchovny Flashes His Ass" over it.

In Mr. Bigshot's office once again the following morning, the Cancer Man handed over the contracts and revised script. "We think this will be more to your liking," he said.
"'David Duchovny Flashes His Ass' - love the new title!" Mr.Bigshot said, flipping through the script. "We're still going to have to make some changes, however."
Cancer Man and Krycek gave each other a look.
"But the script is already very saleable," the Cancer Man began.
"No" replied Mr . Bigshot. "First of all, you have to add a plumber. Fabio maybe. Then Mulder and Fabio have a big fight over Scully."
"But they still get kicked out of the FBI?" Cancer Man asked.
"Of course, of course! That's our big drama! See, just as Fabio and Mulder are in this death grip with a pipe, Scully finds out they've lost their jobs, which means she won't be able to keep Grandma on life support..."
"Well, that's fine, so long as the end is the same," Cancer Man said, beyond caring what kind of swill they put out so long as he got power.
"Yeah, well, we'll have to switch that around some too."
"How exactly do you want to switch it around?" Cancer Man asked warily.
"It should end where Mulder proposes to Scully, and says: 'Even though we don't have any money, I'll work in Vegas every day if necessary, to support you and Grandma.' So they get married, and Skinner juggles 4 chainsaws at once to celebrate the union.
"Fine," said Cancer Man through clenched teeth.
At that moment the phone rang. "Yeah? Oh, it's for you," Mr. Bigshot handed the phone to Krycek.
"Hello? Oh, hi Agent Three..." Mitch Pileggi's agent was on the line. "No, I can assure you that Mr. Pileggi will not have to juggle the chainsaws himself."
"We can't afford any stunt men," Mr. Bigshot interrupted.
"Then I'll juggle the chainsaws MYSELF if I have to! LOVE INTEREST?!?" Krycek cried. "He only appears in it for 5 minutes at the end! Yes, I KNOW he wants a challenge, but...alright, he gets a beautiful chainsaw juggling partner." Krycek slammed down the phone, seriously pissed off.

"The script is of no importance," Cancer Man said to Krycek, as they walked down the street. "The point is, we still get to take over the world."
"I guess." replied a surly Krycek.
They walked past a phone booth and heard a ringing from inside. Cancer Man raised an eyebrow and answered the phone.
"Hello? Yes, this is he. Oh, yes, Mr. Bigshot, we'll be there. Goodbye." Cancer Man put the receiver down.
"Should I ask?" Krycek said.
"We have a meeting in 5 minutes. The producers have some changes they'd like to discuss.."

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