The
Change
(How many members of the Enterprise D does it take to
change a light bulb? )
Patrick
Stewart's monologue on Saturday Night Live
What
You'll NEVER Hear on Star Trek: TNG
Top
20 Plot Twists of TNG
Why
Seinfeld Is Like Star Trek
If
Dr. Suess Wrote for Star Trek
If
Dr. Suess Wrote for Star Trek Part II
What
if Data was a Windows-Only Android?
The
Moron's Guide to Deep Space 9 updated!
DS-9
vs Wesley Crusher
Beacon
of Hope
( How many members of DS9 does it take to change
a light bulb?)
What if
the Defiant was run by a Macintosh?
DS-9 Theme
Song
Star
Trek Voyuer A Voyager Parody
The
Voyager Song TWO Versions
Seven
Babysits Baby Wildman a short fan-fic
by Guinan
Rejected
Names for the Holographic Doctor
Illumination
(how many Voyager crew
does it take to change a light bulb?)
"Stardate 3.1.415.927, Admiral George P. Burdell, MIS Starship LANpoop.
"We recently ran out of space on our F: drive (a networked DOS partition
on
STIATL (our unix isolation ward hardware), which is networked to some
VAXen
via TCP/IP). We realized we were silly to tie ourselves to 1 drive
with
limited potential, and soon schemed to create a truly virtual F: drive
from
our available resources. Steve Lyle, our Systems Administrator, 1st
class,
carried out the operation, without consulting the Captain of the Starship
LANpoop."
Captain: "Status report, Mr. Spock?"
Spock: "I'm querying the new NetManager, now, Captain."
Sulu: "Captain! All dialup ports frozen solid!"
Captain: "Mr. Scott! Whats happening down there?"
Scott: "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?"
Captain: "Huh???"
Chekov: "Sir, I believe he said, "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona
e
disks, forsooth?""
Captain: "Say what?"
Spock: "Sir, I believe he said the disks are full, and backfeeding bits
onto
the BI bus. I've got the NetManager query response coming in now."
Admiral: (smiling) "Mr. Chekov, may I remind you that baiting an officer
is
a dangerous game?"
Sulu: (whispered) "It's better than no game at all."
NetManager: "VAX01 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX02 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX03 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX04 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
Captain: "Spock! What could have happened?"
Spock: "Insufficient data, Captain, but the ship's disk log seems to
indicate that the F: drive has broken out of the UNIX isolation ward
and
grown to an incredible size. It must have eaten all of our spare disk
to do
this."
Sulu: "Captain, we've got inbound WATS customers on TTYs 1, 5, and 7.
All of
them say their respective Commtasks are dying, and they have gone to
Condition Red. LANfleet command is on the LA120 with an urgent message
to
help them."
Captain: "Spock?"
Spock: "Not without more resources, Jim."
Captain: "Mr. Scott!!! I need more disk! Giga factor 2!"
Scott: "Huh???"
Spock: "Allow me, Captain. Mr. Scott, thah captain sesd heanz seasd
na ha
mure spece onha deesk ana hea musthef 2 gig or mure."
Captain: (head in hands, quietly) "Why did I ever leave the Equifax?"
Scott: "I canna dewit! We hefna thah moolah allocayhted theys fiscahlyeer!"
Captain: "Huh???"
Chekov: "I believe he said..."
Scott: "Myester Sulooh shuhht hyim oop! Iya ken heeyear tha noiz mahself!"
Spock: "Sir, I believe he said we can't afford it."
Captain: "Beam me to finance, Mr. Scott."
Spock: "Wait, captain. Not yet. Dr. McCoy and Lt. Anderson have been
training a new F: drive expert over in PD. Corporal Lyle, I think.
Maybe he
can help."
NetManager: "...VAX318 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX319 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX320 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
Captain: "Mr. Spock! Can you shut that thing..."
Spock: "Wait!"
NetManager: "STIATL - urgent msg for lyle: F: drive full"
Spock: "Fascinating. Here's the trouble. The STIATL drive filled up,
and a
virtual F:olator kicked in, allowing the other drives on the net to
consume
themselves. Even the Warp drive is full. All the dilithium crystals
got
archived to tape to make room for DOS programs."
Captain: "DOS!!! I thought we pawned those off on the Klingons. We did!
I
remember. The MS plague wiped them out!"
Spock: "Yes, sir, but DOS are like tribbles, but MUCH less friendly,
and
MUCH more dangerous."
Captain: "This is the Captain! Prepare to abandon ship! Mr. Spock, activate
self-destruct sequence..."
The recorded conversation is followed by a noise suspiciosly similar
to that
made by a mongo EMP applied to the recorder circuits of a Starship's
log.
The investigation is proceeding apace.
Who's On First - Star Trek Style Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock. Spock - Good day, Captain. Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan? Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalisations of 'Hurrah' and 'Kock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct? Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth. Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I may be of assistance. Kirk - That's the idea. Spock - Very well... proceed. Kirk - Alright... Who's on first. Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir. Kirk - So? Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy. Kirk - No... Who's on first. Spock - I do not know. Kirk - No... he's third base. Spock - Who is? Kirk - No... he's first base. Spock - Who is? Kirk - Correct. Spock - Who is correct? Kirk - Sometimes. Spock - Who is sometimes? Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity. Spock - Who's identity? Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman. Spock - Who is? Kirk - Right. Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman. Kirk - What. Spock - I said the second baseman. Kirk - What. Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second baseman? Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman. Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir. McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there! Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian. McCoy - Obviously. Spock - That much is certain. McCoy - Just get back to the skit. Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the second baseman? Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman. Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what is the second baseman.' Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman. Spock - That statement is most illogical. Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott... Scott - Aye, Cap'n? Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about. Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way! Kirk - You see, Spock? Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman? Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about! Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about. Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event! Spock - What has this got to do with field events? Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman! Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who' and not 'what' Mister Scott. Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock! Spock - What you are saying is most illogical. Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella! Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott? Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir! Spock - Who is? Scott - Right! Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott. Scott - Aye, sir. Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient. Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman. Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are. [Spock leaves.] Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a Whoever on the team...TOP of Page
"I have no illusions why I'm here tonight. It's because of 'Star
Trek: The Next Generation.'"
(applause)
"Well, thank you very much, but I have a confession to make. When I
was first given the role of
Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I pretended to take it all in my stride; I
was so cool in interviews; I claimed
never to have seen the original classic Trek. But, it was all
an act, because inside, I was so ecstatic...
I was delirious... You see, not only am i probably the biggest Star
Trek fan of all time, but
well, as my friends can tell you, I am virtually an encyclopedia of
Star Trek facts and trivia.
"Well now, for example, listen: Here's a fact I bet you don't know.
On the original show, the name
of the space ship was not the "Star Trek"! No, no, it was in fact,
the "Enterprise". Now that's true.
"Now, all right, here's another one: Everyone knows that the part of
Captain James M. Kirk was
played by William Shiner. Then of course later he was to become very
famous as the Six Million
Dollar Man. But how many of you here know which actor played the chief
medical officer, Dr.
McCray, who was of course otherwise known as Boney? You give up, don't
you?
Well that was Forest D. Kelley.
"Well perhaps you knew that one, but can you name to me the ship's other
medical officer...
you see, because of course, there were two. You see, you're stumped.
You are forgetting Dr. Spock.
Now you remember, right? He was the pointy eared creature, you
know? Half human, half volcano,
and he was forever tormenting old Boney with his cold volcano logic,
and uh...
"All right.. here's another bit of trivia. Did you know that another
Star Trek character, Captain Sulu,
was the first black woman ever on television? Anyway, being the Star
Trek trivia maniac that I am, well
you can imagine my feelings when I first learned that I won the role
of Captain Picard. I felt a kinship,
you know, with all those unforgettable legendary chartacters... Kirk,
Boney, and especially Spock, and
I even know... well I wrote a note to Leonard Fortnoy, but I guess
he never received it. Anyway,
Leonard, if you're watching, this is for you.
"Outer space: the last frontier. These are the trips of the Star Trek
Enterprise. Its five year plan calls
for us to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new
civilizations, to boldly fly
where no man has gone in space.
Live long (boy scout sign), and be happy."
Jerry, George, Elaine & Kramer are relationship-challenged.
Picard, Riker, Troi & Data are relationship-challenged.
Picard is on a "wagon train to the stars."
Jerry said "I was a wise man when I hitched my wagon to his star."
People always buzz Picard's room.
People alway's buzz Jerry's room.
Picard admires Everyman.
Jerry admires Superman.
Jerry like his coffee hot.
Picard likes his Earl Grey hot.
Picard said "There are four lights!"
Jerry said "'We have to talk': The four worst words in the English
language."
Picard was once turned into a uncaring Borg.
Jerry was once turned into a caring person.
Picard wore the same uniform for seven years
Jerry had "Golden Boy."
Picard is an astronaut.
Jerry uses an astronaut pen.
Picard seeks out new life.
Jerry seeks out new relationships.
Jerry dates but can't commit.
Picard makes commitments but cannot date.
Picard says "Do we have an agreement here?"
Jerry says "I think we have a relationship here!"
Jerry says "Kinda in the middle of something here Kramer."
Picard says " -- later, Data, later."
Picard doesn't want to be an oceanographer.
Jerry doesn't want to be a pirate.
Data once drove the Enterprise to save the universe
Kramer once drove a hijacked bus to save a pinky toe
Data cannot use contractions
Kramer cannot use words
Data is seeking to be human
George is seeking to be human
Picard is a optimistic diplomat.
Kramer once read a book about a cockeyed optimist who got caught up
in
the game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Troi is a mind reader.
Elaine's dates are required to be a mind-reader.
Troi said "It's like a cosmic string fragment, only bigger."
Elaine said "It's like a salad, only bigger."
Troi says "I'm sensing something."
Elaine says "Get out!"
Troi is addicted to non-fat chocolate.
Elaine is addicted to non-fat yogurt.
Elaine can't spare a square.
Troi is square.
Riker shouts "Damage report!"
George is damaged goods.
Riker was pulled into an oily pit.
George says "Everytime I find a way out, they pull me back in."
Riker dipped into worms with an alien.
George once double-dipped a chip.
Riker once said "What am I still here?"
George once said "What are we doing here?"
Picard, Riker and Data have all been in alternate universes
Kevin, Gene and Feldman are from an alternate universe.
Data invented an intelligent, artificial life.
George invented "It's not you, it's me."
Riker dated an androgynous female.
George dated a lesbian.
Picard says "Engage!"
Kramer says "Giddy-up!"
George wishes he had Riker's hair.
Picard wishes he had George's hair.
Riker was once in love with Troi, but are now just friends.
Jerry was once in love with Elaine, but are now just friends.
Picard's arch-enemy Q is omnipotent.
Jerry's arch-enemy Newman is omnipresent.
Picard says "You should read more history."
Jerry says "I'm history."
Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me. Worf: Not me. Picard: Computer, how long til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi: We still must save the Indran planet -- Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try! Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon. *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?* Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun -- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm. Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph? Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely. Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end! Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky! Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...? Geordi: Yes, sir, we can. Picard: Then make it so!TOP of Page
The whole thing began in the transporter room
When the Tranporter Chief beamed up a Zlagoon!
We shot it with phasers and sang a cantata,
But it didn't stop until we fed it raw data!
It detoured into the Ten forward Lounge,
And drank every bottle of booze it could scrounge.
It drank Vulcan Brandy and Cardassian Ale,
It drank creme de la cacao from a 10-gallon pail!
Finally it stumbled on Holodeck 5,
And Geordy's quick thinking gave hope we'd survive.
He programmed with Barclay,
They programmed till noon,
Untill they created....
A FEMALE ZLAGOON!
We thought they'd be happy, Mrs. Z and her beau..
But thier failed plasma coupling caused the warp core to blow!
(Adapted from Treks Not Taken by Steven R. Boyett)
What if Data from Star Trek was a Windows-Only Android? Imagine the following scene:
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. PICARD: On screen. The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide. PICARD: Data, what's wrong here? DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution? PICARD: Make it so. The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders. PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. DATA: Aye, sir. Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen. WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! PICARD: Shields up! DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command. PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command. LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. To Data: Control-alt-delete, Data. Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor. DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. LaForge pulls Data's left ear. PICARD: Shields... There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console. PICARD: Up, Data! DATA: Aye, sir. RIKER: All decks, damage report! WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor. DATA: Shields are now up, captain. PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship. WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console. PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action. DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console. PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril. PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? RIKER: I left them with Geordi. LAFORGE: (in a surprised voice) What!!? I thought you still had them! PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory? DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril. PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant 1. DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? PICARD: Abort! DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? PICARD: Well, fail, then! DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship. LAFORGE: (alarmed) Data, what the hell are you doing? PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data? RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots. Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless. PICARD: What's going on? LAFORGE: (checking the helm console) Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core. PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them. The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later. FERENGI: (with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?TOP of Page
Seven: "You wish me to tell you a
bed-time story?"
Baby Wildman: "YETH!"
Seven: "I do recall a story I was
told by the Borg after my parents were assimilated....."
Once upon a time, as you say the story should begin, there were three
minute Suidae-type
species. I believe you call them "pigs". Yes. Well,
one day they left thier mother's domicile
to build thier own domiciles. Do not ask me why, this seems to
be a trait of your
species.
The first pig was not very bright and foolishly build a domicile from
a reed-type substance.
A large anit-social Lupine was in the area looking for food, and smelling
the pig, knocked on the portal.
He said. "Minute Pig, Minute Pig, I wish to enter your domicile."
The pig, looked out the window and saw the Lupine and shouted,
"NO, not by the hair foliciles
covering my chin!"
And the Lupine became angry and threatend the pig. "Resistance
is futile! You will be
assimilated!" And he inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled
with all his strength and
blew the domicile down and assimilated the pig.
The second pig was a little more intelligent, but not that much.
He built a domicile from a plant
I believe you call a tree. Not much stronger than the substance
the first pig used, I might add.
The anti-social Lupine soon found this domicile too. He
knocked on the portal and said,
"Minute Pig, Minute Pig, I wish to enter!"
And the Pig replied, "No! Not by the hair folicles covering my
chin!"
The Lupine again became angry and shouted, "Resistance is Futile!
You will be assimilated!"
SO he inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled with all his strength
and blew down this
domicile and assimilated the second pig.
The third pig built his domicile out of an even harder material than
the others. A masonery unit
made of clay and shale called "bricks" that were held together by a
hardening substance known
as "cement".
The Lupine had walked the 20 kilometers from the last domcile
until he came upon this domicile.
He knocked on the portal and asked the pig to let him enter the
domicile. The third pig cried out,
"No, not by the hair folicles covering my chin!"
So the Lupine inhaled and exhaled and inhaled and exhaled, but his
usual method of tearing down
the domiciles was futile.
The Lupine, being Borg, called for the other pigs, now known
as 1 of 3 and 2 of 3 to assist him.
The two pig-borg and the Lupine cut through the portal and entered
the domicile. They found
the last pig huddled in a corner and assimilated him. And they
all beamed back up to the Borg
cube, where they lived happily ever after in the collective.
The moral of the story is Resistance Is Futile!
List
of Rejected Names for the Holographic
Doctor in Star Trek Voyager
Keep em commin' :)
If you have a funny trek parody or poem you would like
to see here, submit it to: Guinan.
