Taking Liberties
By Athena
NOTE: The reference to "SAM!" in the latter part of this story, refers to a fic by Samantha McCullah in which a main character dies.
Buffy: Oh dear, woe is me. Here I am again depressed over the loss of my beloved Angel. What ever shall I do?
(Neanderthal Vampire approaches)
Neanderthal Vampire: Ugh, you're the Slayer!
Buffy: Why yes I am. And you're the dimwitted vampire that I must always fight and always win yet give the appearance of distress so that I may be introduced to the mystery man who has: a) been watching and following me, b) tries to kill me as well, or c) has later accidentally ended up in the same motel as I or mistakes my motel room for his.
Neanderthal Vampire: Curses, why is it always my fate to be horribly cast in these minor roles doomed to forever be captured as a buffoon in the fanfictions of young authors everywhere.
Reader: Boo! Hiss! It is because you are ugly and we are superficial. You are always in your "game face" therefore we cannot see whatever positive features you may have and discard you as an after thought. Boo!
(fight ensues)
Neanderthal Vampire: Curses foiled again!
Buffy: Not to fear, due to shortages of good stuntmen you shall return in a later episode in slightly different makeup so that I may defeat you once again.
(Vampire turns to dust)
Buffy: Since the tall blond mystery man has yet to appear I shall return to my motel room and wait there.
(clapping from the reader)
[Back at the motel]
Buffy: Woe is me, I am again all alone feeling sorry for myself while back in Sunnydale my friends and family worry endlessly about me. Woe is me.
(enters tall blond mystery man)
Buffy: Why Spike what are you doing here and where is Drucilla?
Spike: Why the reader obviously wants me here, Dru is beside the point- she has either left me to find your Angel or I have left her to find you. Let me pose in my black leather trench so that the reader may get a mental picture.
(readers drool)
Buffy: I must put on my clouded face so that the readers know that I am thinking of Angel when it is really a convenience to have you here to comfort me in my misery. But you have no mental baggage (Dru).
Spike: You have no boyfriend.
Buffy: You have no soul.
Together: Let's make out!
Spike: And also commit immoral acts that would indeed made our ex-lovers jealous should they ever find out though the readers would be quite angry if they were to do the same to us.
Readers: Damn straight!
Buffy: Not to mention make me look cheap and easy.
(sound of clothes hitting the floor)
{Night After}
Buffy: I love you Spike.
Spike: But Slayer, a toss in the sack does not constitute love, it is merely the twisted view of today's society that equates automatic love with sex.
Readers: Boo, Hiss!!!
Buffy: Ahem... I love you Spike!
Spike: I love you too Slayer.
(sounds of kissing)
[Elsewhere]
Angel: Where am I? I clearly have no stable recollection of having stalked Buffy for months and murdering the meddlesome computer teacher. In fact I have no recollection of being in Hell because it was really just a clever ploy to buy me time off the show so that I could take acting lessons.
Drucilla: In my madness Miss Edith gave me a spell to pull your tortured soul out of acting class.
Angel: Very well, I was clearly brought back to create conflict just as you are crazy to add flare to your one dimensional and otherwise dull character. Now I wonder where Buffy is.
Reader: Boo! Despite your devilish good looks we do not want you to come between Spike and Buffy even though it is blatantly obvious to everyone but us that you and Buffy really belong together. Boo!
Drucilla: Since you have once again regained your soul I am inconsequential at this point and will now exit the story mumbling nonsense but not before you hear my psychic premonitions about the location of the Slayer and my Spike who I whorishly left for you.
Angel: What did you say?
Drucilla: (clears throat) I fear a horrible change, the trees are whispering about the Slayer in L.A. or some non-descript location (reader may choose). I shall now leave but I may or may not return.
Angel: Right, I will now go off to find my former
lover who is committing immoral acts with her mortal enemy though
I am not yet supposed to know this.
[Back at Motel]
Spike: I have cleverly pinned you to the bed Slayer when in fact I have never been able to get the upperhand on you because despite all my charm I am still only a recurring character doomed to loose every time.
Reader: Aww, isn't he cute when he's doomed.
Buffy: We have been positioned here to give
anyone who happens to barge in the impression that you are: a)
attempting to hurt me or b) forcing yourself on me when in fact
this is a mutual tryst.
(Door crashes in)
Buffy and Spike: feign surprise
Angel: GRRRR! (throws Spike against a wall)
Reader: Boo! Hiss! Not only are you trying to come between Spike (drool) and Buffy but you are a brute resorting to physical violence which only reinforces our already biased opinion of you. Boo!
Buffy: Oh dear whatever shall I do?
Angel: Well you must choose between us.
Spike: I will either growl and take off or stay and defend my new lover.
Buffy: For the purpose of this story you shall stay, and I shall pretend to have a difficult time choosing between you.
Angel: To help you along I will look at you with my smoldering gaze.
(snickers from readers)
Angel: (bewildered look on his face)
Spike: Let me pose once again in my leather trench to help you along. Take note of my erotic accent and razor sharp wit.
(Readers trip over themselves)
Angel: I will strengthen my smoldering gaze and continue to stand here looking pensive.
Spike: Notice the use of my many facial expressions, you see I have more than one.
Buffy: Oh dear I choose.....
Readers: (silence)
Buffy: Spike!!!
Angel: But *WE* are supposed to be together!
Buffy: Yes but this is due to Joss Whedons insensitivity to the reading audience. Not to mention that this is posted on Spike centered lists'. It just simply would not do to choose you over him. It would be like killing off a central character.
Readers: SAM!!!!
Angel: I will now take my leave and go growling in to the night angry or wounded (reader may choose)
Buffy: Oh Spike!
Spike: Oh baby!
Reader: Oh swoon!
Narrator: And of course our hero and heroine live or unlive happily ever after...or do they?