No Business Like Show Business
by Ben Church
b_church@yahoo.com
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I do not own Highlander or the Immortal Concept contained therein.
Neither do I own The Last Vampire.
Tut sank into his chair, sighing happily. "Done." he thought.
"No more unpacking to do. I'm not moving from this chair."
Across the room, the phone rang. Opening one eye, Tut eyed
it irritably. "They're doing this on purpose." he decided. "I've done
something to annoy the Gods." He thought perhaps it was the fact that
he'd been unable to let Isis stay here, as the landlord was dead set
against animals of any kind.
The phone kept ringing, in fact, he could swear it sounded
impatient. "All right, all right." he grumbled, rising from his
seat. "Hello?" he said, picking up the phone.
"Hey there lover." a low, husky voice said. "What are you
wearing?"
"Hi Sita." Tut smiled, his spirits rising immediately.
"Hi. Did you get settled all right?"
"Well, the Landlord didn't allow pets, so Isis has to stay else
where, but other than that, yeah."
"How did Isis feel about that?"
"He had a few choice words. Most of them I wouldn't care to
repeat."
"I thought he might. Well I got the house up here rented, so
I'll be down there by tomorrow."
"I look forward to it." he smiled. A beeping alerted him to
another call. "Oops, let me put you on hold for a minute."
"Sure."
He activated the next line. "Yello?"
"Thomas Kammen?"
"Sure why not."
The person on the other end snickered. "This is Sally Blevins
from The Suicidal Tendencies Talent Agency."
"Ah yes." An agency that catered entirely to stuntmen.
Another call was coming. "Can you hold on for a minute?"
"Yeah." He opened the third line.
"Hello?"
There was a pause. "Mr. Kammen?"
"Yes,"
"This is MCI-"
Tut screamed and stabbed the button cutting them off, the
blinking button informed him he'd only put them on hold. "Damn." He'd
just hooked up the phone that morning. How'd they find him so quickly?
He put Sita back on. "Sita can I call you back?"
"Sure." she said. He pushed a button to switch to the third
line.
"Go to hell." he said.
"Excuse me?" Sita asked, having not hung up yet.
"Ack! Not you! Wrong line!" She hung up, laughing.
He pushed another button. "MCI?"
"Uh, no." Sally said.
"Crap." The Gods had it out for him. Definately. He should
have been able to figure this out. He guessed he was just tired.
"MCI?" he asked, after switching lines again.
"Yes."
"Go to hell." This time when he cut them off, he got it right.
"All right." he sighed. "What's up Sally?"
"Is everything settled there?" He could hear the smile in her
voice.
"Yeah, it's this dang newfangled phone." he grinned.
"All right, well we've got you an audition."
"Already? Great! Where and when."
"At Paramount in five minutes."
Tut's jaw dropped. He had five minutes to get there? Crap!
He got the details quickly. "This is a test isn't it." he muttered
after hanging up quickly. "Here I go!" He dashed out the door.
Malcom knew he was coming. He'd tracked Tut across the
country, waiting for the perfect time to strike. Then, he'd just
gotten impatient. "I'll just take his head now." he thought.
The sense of another Immortal washed over him, and he stepped
from the alley. "I am Malcom. Prepare to die Tut!"
Tut didn't even pause. He knocked the sword aside and shoved
Malcom away. "Not now! Busy!" He ran on.
"You can't escape me that easy!" Malcom shouted, chasing after
him. Fortunately, it was L.A. Nobody looked twice at a man with a
sword running down the street shouting about how he was going to kill
someone.
Tut didn't have time for a fight. He glanced at his watch.
Four minutes. He wouldn't make it on foot.
Running into the street, he stopped a Taxi. By jumping in
front of it.
"Madre de Dios!" the driver shouted.
Ignoring him, Tut opened the driver side door and shoved the
man over. "Start the meter!" He shifted into gear, and took off.
"You're Loco!" the Cabbie yelled. "Slow the fuck down! Look
out for that man!"
"He's in the road, he knew the risks." Never the less, he
managed to miss the pedestrian. He turned onto a side street that he
knew would shave at least a minute off his time. Unfortunately it was
under construction.
"I don't want to die." the Cabbie wimpered.
"Where the hell is he?" the casting agent scowled. She scanned
the crowd again, certain he must be there somewhere. Suddenly, she
spotted him. "Ah ha!" she cried, stabbing here finger down on the
page. "Right there!" She'd found Waldo once again.
"Um, Meris?" her assistant said. "We do have people coming
to audition."
"I know that." she said. "But we've still got ten seconds to
spare. Is everybody here?"
"Not quite." Matt said. "There's still Thomas Kammen. He's
not here yet."
"Well, if he's not here in five seconds, we'll start without
him."
"Right."
Meris began to count down. "In, three, two, one-"
"I'm here!" Tut shouted, bursting into the studio. "Right
on time." Once he had regained his breath, he approached the desk.
"I'm Thomas Kammen." he said. "I'm here."
"Right on time." Meris complimented him. "Let me guess, last
minute notification?"
"How'd you know?"
"We always do that to newbies. It's like a fraternity hazing."
Tut sighed. "Well, now what?"
"Well," Meris grinned, looking Tut over. "Are you familiar
with the term Casting Couch?"
Drawing back, Tut narrowed his eyes. Meris burst out laughing.
"I'm just giving you a hard time." she said. "Don't worry. Let's get
started."
Plate glass shattered as Tut was thrown threw the window. He
landed on his back, his body already healing.
"And Cut!" the director shouted. "Print that! That's a wrap
everybody, see you here again tomorrow!"
Tut stretched. Being a stunt man wasn't quite what he
expected, but it wasn't far off. He'd been working a week on this
movie, and in that time, he'd been hit by a car, thrown of a moving
train, off the roof of a building, been shot, stabbed, beaten up and
burned. It was a comedy.
Tut walked wearily to his car. They'd done that window scene
twenty times before they'd gotten it how the director wanted it. It
was repetitive, it was exhausting, and it was the most fun he'd had
in a long, long time.
Arriving home, he found a note lying on his table. "Meet me
at the Hollywood sign right now if you ever want to see your precious
Alisa again. Signed, A Friend."
Tut laughed. What kind of game was Sita playing that she let
herself get kidnapped by an evil Immortal? "Might as well go find
out."
Since they had found each other again, Tut had noticed that
Sita had been mellowing quite a bit. She wasn't going soft, but there
was something less violent and superior about her. He wondered if it
was the stability of their relationship.
He arrived soon after at the sign, not sure what to expect.
A dead Immortal? A fight? Sita still playing along? He wasn't
expecting what actually happened.
"Surprise!"
Sita and Seymour stood at a picnic table they had set up,
with food on it.
"What is this?" Tut smiled. "It's not my birthday." He
blanced. "Ra's eye, it's not our anniversary is it?"
Sita grinned. "No you twit, it's a congratulations party."
She hugged him. "It was Seymour's idea. Actually, this is a double
celebration. Seymour sold a screenplay, and you've broken into the
show biz."
"Congratulations." Tut said, shaking Seymour's hand. "What's
it called?"
"The Last Vampire."
Tut raised his eyebrows. "Sneaky." he complimented.
"What better place for Sita to hide than out in the open?"
Seymour beamed.
"You did remember to give me credit right?" Sita reminded him.
"Of course. Written by Alisa Perne and Seymour Dorsten."
"Good boy." Sita smiled. "I'll let you live."
Tut looked concernedly at Seymour. "She was kidding right?"
"Of course I'm kidding you twit." Sita laughed, wrapping her
arms around Tut. "Now c'mon, let's eat."
Tut lay awake in the apartment he shared with Sita. He could
hear Sita playing the piano in the other room. He'd loved Sita when
she'd been his companion when he was still mortal. When he'd awoken
in his tomb, he'd despaired of ever finding love again. How many times
had he fallen in love, only to have the object of his affection killed,
either by the ravages of time, or by other Immortals?
He had found Sita again, and she would not grow old, and she
was powerfull enough that no Immortal or mortal would be able to
take her away.
He came to a decision at midnight.
Tut came awake to the sensation of being kissed. "Hmm," he
thought. "This beats an alarm clock any day."
"Wakey wakey." Sita whispered in his ear. "You have a job
to get to."
She glanced at the clock. "Actually, so do I."
"You got a job?" Tut asked interestedly. "Doing what?"
"Selling Antiques actually." she said. "I impressed the
interviewer with my extensive knowledge of such matters."
"I'll bet." the Immortal smiled. "See ya tonight."
After another grueling day on the set, they filmed the big
fight scene, Tut set off on an errand that he believed far too long
delayed.
He entered the shop, and began perusing the merchandise.
Just as he'd made his selection, he felt the presence of another
Immortal. Turning, he saw the man enter the shop.
"Tut," the man said. "We have unfinished business." It
was the same Immortal he'd ignored the other day.
"Do I know you?" Tut asked.
"Perhaps not, but I know you. Think back. Alaska."
Alaska, 1800
Tut ran. He didn't know what had possesed him to come up
here, another of Will's hairbrained ideas, prospecting. Not having
anything better to do, Tut trekked north to join his friend. He'd
been nearing the place where he was to meet Will, when he
encountered a difficulty. Will had neglected to mention a tiny
quirk that the Alaskan Wilderness had. Bears did not take kindly
to strangers.
He barely noticed when he sensed another Immortal. He guessed
it was the man that he literally ran over in his escape. He also
barely registered the screams behind him as the bear caught whoever it
had been.
Hollywood, 1998
"Oh yeah!" Tut realized. "Now I remember you! Sorry I didn't
recognize you when I was standing still."
The other Immortal smiled grimly. "Well you've run me over
twice. Now I get my revenge."
"Give me a minute will you?" Tut said. He bought the item
with his charge card. "All right, lead the way."
In an alley far from prying eyes, the duel began.
"So," Tut said. "You've been hunting me since the 19th century
just because you got attacked by a bear that was chasing me?"
"You make it sound so trivial." the other said.
They fought some more.
"By the way," Tut asked. "Who are you?"
"Oh," his opponent apologized. "How rude of me. My name's
Sheamus McFly. Don't laugh."
"Wouldn't dream of it." Tut grinned. With a quick blow,
Sheamus knocked the sword from Tut's hand. Believing him defeated, he
lunged in for the kill.
Tut merely leapt up, and flipped over his head. Landing
gracefully on his feet, he pitched off balance and rolled. "Gonna have
to practice that move some more." he thought. He grabbed his sword
from where it had fallen and quickly parried a blow to his neck.
"Hello!" Tut shouted. "My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed
my father! Prepare to die!"
"What?!"
"What do you mean what?" Tut asked, aghast. "You've never seen
the Princess Bride?"
The fight lasted a good ten minutes more. After the lenghty
fight, and the Quickening afterword, all Tut wanted was to crawl into
bed and die.
Three young boys stopped him on the way home. "Give us your
wallet man." the leader said.
"Whatever." Tut responded wearily, and kept going.
Not used to having people ignore them, the boys gave up.
"What happened to you?" Sita asked. She'd arrived home scant
seconds before him, and could see the fatigue on his face. "Hard day
on the set?"
"Yeah," Tut said. "That too. Some Immortal waylaid me on the
way home, so, fight and Quickening. Can't talk, tired." He trudged
wearily into the bed room, and collapsed onto the bed without bothering
to undress. He was so glad he had the day off tomorrow.
He felt the mattress shift as Sita sat on the bed beside him.
"I think someone needs a massage."
Tut gave an affirmative mumble. Too tired to even get excited.
At first. But Sita was experianced at changing that.
The next day, Tut awoke, renergized. He stretched
languriously. He'd thought long and hard about how he would ask Sita-
"Tut," Sita asked, entering the room with a small box. "What's
this?"
Tut looked at her incredulously. "You just won't let anything
be a surprise will you?" he asked. He shook his head amusedly then
got down on one knee. Gently taking the box from her hand and opening
it, he said;
"Sita, I love you more than anyone I have ever loved, and I
want to spend the rest of eternity with you. Will you marry me?"
To Be Continued in:
Do You Take This Vampire? (
geocities.com/area51/dimension) (
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