TITLE: Audited
AUTHOR: Susanne Barringer
EMAIL: sbarringer@usa.net
ARCHIVE: Anywhere okay with these headers attached.
CLASSIFICATION: SH
SPOILERS: Fifth season and Fight the Future
RATING: G
SUMMARY: Mulder gets audited by the IRS. Light and fluffy.
DISCLAIMER: The characters of Mulder and Scully belong to Chris
Carter, 1013, and Fox. No infringement intended.
***************
Audited
by Susanne Barringer
In the waiting room of the Washington DC Internal Revenue Service
Office, Fox Mulder tapped his fingers nervously on the top of his
shoeboxes as he waited to be called. Mulder was being audited by the IRS,
and he was more than slightly worried. He knew everything was in order
with his returns, but his concern was whether the IRS would see it that
way. He had all his receipts for the itemized deductions--five shoeboxes
full, in fact. He didn't think he had claimed anything improperly, but then
why had he been targeted? They certainly knew that his job as a Federal
employee didn't earn him any more than he had claimed. It had to be his
deductions.
"Mr. Fox Mulder." An IRS agent appeared at the door, not a very pleasant
looking IRS agent for that matter. The man was dressed impeccably, but
his face was like concrete. Mulder stood to shake his hand.
"I'm Mr. Milligan," said the agent, "Pleasure to meet you."
"Wish I could say the same," Mulder cracked. The man didn't laugh or
even smile.
"Mr. Mulder, step this way into the conference room and let's get down to
business. You brought everything you need?"
Mulder nodded toward the shoeboxes balanced in his arms.
Milligan led Mulder to a small room with a large table, no windows, and a
definite pall hanging over it. Mulder wondered just how many innocent
taxpayers had met their death in this room. He took a seat, looked at the
impassive Milligan, then decided to take the offensive.
"You do realize I'm a Federal Agent, Mr. Milligan?"
"And your point is?"
"I work for the Federal Government, just like you. We're supposed to stick
together, aren't we? Catch the people who are breaking the law?" Mulder
figured it was worth a try.
"Sure, but from your last tax return, it looks like you might be one of those
people."
"No sir, everything's on the up and up. I've got all my receipts right here."
Mulder motioned to the shoeboxes he had placed on the table. "Look, Mr.
Milligan, it's important for us government types to help each other out.
You never know when you might need the services of an FBI agent, right?"
"In case my wife gets abducted by little green men? I think I'll take my
chances." Mulder couldn't believe his reputation had spread so far as to
encompass every government agency in the country. Not only that, if his
reputation had preceded him, he was probably in big trouble.
"No more bribery, Mr. Mulder. Let's get started." Mulder swallowed hard
and felt dizzy. "Let's begin with the deduction you've taken for loss of
property. It's extraordinarily high."
"I ruin an extraordinary amount of clothing," replied Mulder.
"You cannot deduct clothing expenses for work unless you wear a uniform
or something not suitable for daily wear." Milligan's robotic rattling off of
tax law didn't intimidate Mulder in the least. He had done his reading.
"Right, but I didn't deduct them as clothing; I deducted them as loss of
personal property due to casualty."
"Casualty? That's only for sudden, unexpected, or unusual events--
possessions destroyed by events that are unanticipated and atypical."
"Exactly. That's what happens to my clothes. Lots of unanticipated and
unusual things."
"Really. Would you care to give me an example?"
"Of course." Mulder pulled out the shoebox on the bottom and opened it.
No doubt Milligan was surprised at his organization. Groups of receipts
were paper-clipped together and labeled. Mulder wanted to give the
impression he knew exactly what he was doing.
"Suits," said Mulder handing over a pile of receipts. "Twenty-two of them.
All destroyed by unusual events."
"Twenty-two?"
"Yep."
"In one year?"
"Yes. For instance, one got ruined when I tried to chase down a runaway
RV. I got dragged behind it and, well, that can really ruin a suit."
"A runaway RV?"
"Well it wasn't exactly runaway. There had been a driver, but he was
killed."
"In the RV?"
"Yeah, by the pizza delivery boy. He was a vampire."
"The pizza delivery boy was a vampire?" Milligan looked unimpressed.
"Yep."
"Did you catch him?" Mulder wasn't sure if Milligan was being sarcastic or
not.
"No. Actually, the whole bunch of them got away."
"I see. The whole bunch of them."
"Then another suit got ruined when I tried to save a boy who was being
sucked under by quicksand. Quicksand is definitely not a day-to-day
occurrence."
"Quicksand?"
"It was really the boy's therapist who thought she was her father who tried
to kill him, but the trees and the mud had something to do with it. We
never did figure that out exactly."
"I see."
"So, I go through a lot of suits just trying to rescue people. All for a good
cause." Mulder smiled at Milligan. "And overcoats too," he added, pulling
out another stack of receipts from the shoebox.
"Uh huh. Okay, just for the sake of argument, let's say that your claim for
suits and overcoats as casualty losses is legitimate. That certainly doesn't
add up to this large figure you've claimed here."
"Shoes," pronounced Mulder with authority.
"Shoes?"
"Yes." Mulder presented yet another stack of receipts, neatly gathered
with a paper clip. "I go through a *lot* of shoes."
"Quicksand and run-away RV's?" asked Milligan. Now he was definitely
being sarcastic.
"No, not always. I run through the woods a lot."
"Looking for aliens?"
"Occasionally, but more often various monsters, mutants, and creatures
from the deep recesses of time and nature."
"Uh huh," said Milligan looking very puzzled. "And you ruin a lot of shoes
that way?"
"Exactly."
Milligan was silent for a moment.
"Okay, Mr. Mulder, let's just put that aside for a moment and move onto
some of these other deductions. Like travel. Now, you work for the
Federal Government, and I know for a fact they pay any business-related
travel expenses."
"Actually, they don't always."
"Why not?"
"Sometimes I don't get my paperwork in on time so I have to pay out of
my own pocket."
"And you think you deserve a tax break for not getting your paperwork in
on time?" Milligan had a look of triumph on his face. Mulder wouldn't
stand for that.
"Look, the tax book says you can deduct for business-related travel that
isn't reimbursed. It doesn't say, 'but only if you get your paperwork in on
time.'" Milligan had no answer for that one. "And sometimes I have to
take a trip that isn't exactly related to work," Mulder added.
"But you can't claim it as a business-related deduction then." It looked like
Milligan was smiling, like he was pleased he'd finally caught Mulder in
something wrong.
"Right, but it turns out it *is* related to work, I just didn't know it when I
went. And I didn't get pre-approval so it's not always reimbursed in full."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Okay, for instance, these . . ." Mulder motioned to a pile of receipts bigger
than any the IRS agent had seen yet, "are various travel expenses related to
my search for my sister."
"But that would be personal travel, not business."
"Normally, yes, but my sister is an X-File."
"An X-File?"
"Yes, that's where I work. In the X-Files division. I suspect you've already
heard about that." Milligan nodded in the affirmative. "There's a file on
my sister because she was abducted when she was a child."
"By aliens I assume?"
"By the government. For some sort of experimentation with hybridizing
alien and human life-forms."
Milligan was silent. Mulder was used to that after telling people about his
sister.
"So you see, Mr. Milligan, that even though she's my sister, it's still
business because she is an open case in my work as well."
Milligan still said nothing, just flipped through the various stacks of
receipts that Mulder had placed in front of him. One pile seemed to
interest him.
"Antarctica?"
"Yeah, I had to go there to rescue my partner."
"Was your partner abducted by the government too?" Mulder was getting
a little tired of Milligan's sarcasm.
"Not exactly. Well, not *our* government. She was abducted by a secret
government, one that has been secretly negotiating a planned Armageddon,
one that may or may not be led by a man who smokes cigarettes."
"Really."
"Yeah, and she had been stung by a bee which injected her with a virus
which might have caused her body to be taken over by an extraterrestrial
life form if I didn't get there in time."
"Really."
"Yes, so, of course I had to go rescue her. I would never let them have
her."
"And the FBI would not reimburse you for this trip, even though it was to
rescue your partner?" Milligan seemed confused.
"Oh, they reimbursed me for some of it, but I didn't follow proper channels,
and it wasn't exactly an official case, so I had to pay for some stuff on my
own. But it *was* business. No way could you call that trip a vacation."
"I see." Milligan continued looking through the receipts, then handed them
back to Mulder.
"Okay, let's just move on. What about these medical deductions? You
must have health insurance through the Bureau."
"Yes, of course. But I have an incredibly high deductible."
"And why is that?"
"It's the only way they would renew my policy. I think I was single-
handedly driving them into bankruptcy." Mulder smiled. Milligan didn't.
"Like when I was in the psychiatric hospital, they wouldn't pay for all of
that."
"You were in the psychiatric hospital." Milligan's tone was more of a
statement than a question. He didn't seem surprised. "And why was that?"
"Well, I know this sounds crazy, but I saw a gigantic bug attacking my
boss."
"And they let you out?" Milligan's eyebrows rose with the question.
"Only because my partner testified that I was sane."
"She did?"
"Yes, she was the only one who believed me. Because she saw the bug
too. No one else did."
"Really."
"Thank God for her. She keeps me out of trouble. Actually, she could
back up all I'm saying here--about needing new suits and coats and shoes,
and the travel expenses. I don't know if I'm allowed to have a witness, but
she could verify any of this that you don't believe."
"Right. I'll be sure to get in touch with her. Look, Mr. Mulder, to be
honest, I think that most of your deductions here are not even remotely
legitimate, but at this time I'm not willing to take it any farther."
"You're not?"
"If I were to take your case to the next level for action, I would have to
provide a statement of the reasoning and explanation you have given me
today. If I did that, I have no doubt I would become the laughing stock of
the IRS."
"It's not so bad," Mulder commented.
"What?"
"Being a laughing stock. You get used to it."
"Just the same, I prefer not to experience it."
"Suit yourself," said Mulder, gathering up the receipts and putting them
back into his shoeboxes. "So, that's it? I can go?"
"Please. Go." Mulder picked up his shoeboxes, balancing them
precariously under his chin. Milligan jumped up to open the door for him,
just to get him out of there a little faster. As Mulder stepped into the
hallway, Milligan quickly slammed the door behind him.
"Mulder!" Surprised to hear Scully's voice, Mulder turned to see her
walking down the hallway toward him.
"Scully, what are you doing here?"
"I just thought I'd come wait for you and see how it went," she said,
assisting him with a few of his boxes. So, how'd it go? I see you're not in
handcuffs or anything, so I guess you didn't screw up too bad."
"I'm excused, Scully. Your plan worked."
"My plan? What plan? I just told you to be yourself and tell the truth."
"Exactly. He couldn't get rid of me fast enough. He thought I was a
lunatic."
Scully laughed. "Like I said, Mulder, just be yourself." Mulder smiled at
her. Sometimes Scully spoke the truth more profoundly than anyone could
imagine.
"So, can I take you to dinner as thanks for your sage advice?" Mulder
asked.
"Do we have to talk about a case so you can deduct it as a business
expense?" she teased.
"Hey, I'm up for a walk on the wild side. Let's make this one personal."
"Deal."
They walked out of the IRS building and into the sunshine.
END
___________
sbarringer@usa.net
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