TITLE: Three Steps Forward
AUTHOR: Susanne Barringer
EMAIL: sbarringer@usa.net
ARCHIVE: Anywhere okay with these headers attached.
CATEGORY: VAR
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully romance
SPOILERS: none
RATING: R
SUMMARY: Sequel to "One Step" and "Two Steps Back."
DICLAIMER: Characters borrowed from Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox.
No money being made from their use; no infringement intended.
I wasn't sure there would be a third one, but this piece wrote itself. I guess
it's now the Steps series. Enjoy.
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Three Steps Forward
by Susanne Barringer
Mulder doesn't miss a single opportunity to make me suffer for the choice I
have made. Whenever we are alone and not officially on the job, he is in
my face, touching me, standing too close, driving me insane. He traps me
up against walls, sits too close to me in restaurants, brushes against me
when we're walking, and just looks at me with his heart in his eyes. I don't
understand why he is doing it, why he hasn't given up. It doesn't make me
feel any less terrified. I have made the decision. I cannot go back on it
now. I step away from him every time, even in my dreams. He tries again.
How did he come to know me so well, to know that every step away from
him is a struggle within my soul, a struggle that I am slowly but surely
losing? How many times must I step away before he relinquishes his siege?
We have just finished a case, and Mulder is in my hotel room, as he usually
is, helping complete the report. Actually, the report is finished, yet Mulder
remains. I wish he would leave. I yearn for him to stay. I don't know
what I expect.
I stretch my arms and yawn, thinking maybe Mulder will get a clue. He
doesn't. He just smiles that smile and teases me with his eyes. I go to the
bathroom to give myself some space. Despite the fact that the decision has
been made, his presence continues to fluster me. He does not make it easy.
As I come out of the bathroom, Mulder is standing right there, as he
always seems to be recently. I instinctively step back and find myself
pressed against the wall. My heart vaults in terror as Mulder steps
forward.
He stands in front of me and places his palm against the wall, just above
and to the right of my head. He leans forward, his propped arm blocking
my escape, leaving me no way out. Then, he waits. I am trapped. I
cannot move. The panic pounds down upon me again. I have been here
before, with walls and his closeness encircling me, the fear leaving no room
to breathe. His lips hover near mine, but not too close, just sort of running
in front of my face without actually touching it, the way they would if he
were kissing my forehead, my cheeks, my neck, my eyebrows, my nose.
He is getting more daring. I can feel him breathe, always more steadily
than I do. It is calm, unlike the gulps of air I am taking in an attempt to
arrest the dizziness, the disorientation. I can smell him, smell what he
wants from me.
Finally, he lowers his arm, moves slightly away, giving me room to step
out, step away. Now is my chance. His eyes challenge me, dare me to do
it. I don't know how many more times I can. He gives me only a few
seconds to decide, and when I don't, he steps closer again. I feel relief,
terror, I don't know what, as his lips come close to mine again but don't
touch. There is nowhere else for me to go. I close my eyes, willing it,
begging for it, wishing for it all to go away, hoping that he will disappear.
The confusion strangles me. I feel myself lean forward slightly, just a
fraction of a move forward, but it brings my body in contact with his, just
our edges. My breath trembles. Did I do that? Did I decide that? I must
have. We are touching. In the darkness of my eyes closed against him, I
feel his lips brush my forehead, barely perceptible.
Then I feel him move away, and when I open my eyes I see he has stepped
back. A long way. He is barely within arm's reach. I feel my pounding
heart slow, the adrenaline cease. The threat has gone and my fear breathes
easy. A smile plays around the corners of his mouth, and suddenly I
understand. He will not let me accept passively. He will not let this
happen by default, by my not stepping away. He wants me take the steps.
I meet his eyes and I see in them all he is offering me. My body shivers
with the overture; it is so much more than I thought. Everything. He is
offering me everything. My apprehension skirmishes with what I see in his
eyes. Don't be afraid, his eyes say to me, there is nothing to fear. I want to
believe. I want to believe there is sanctuary in the decision.
He waits. He has waited a long time. I watch his face carefully as I move
one foot forward. One step. His face does not change, but his eyes
encourage me, reassure me. He will not give away his hand, but I know he
is desperately willing me to do this. I take one more step and we are now
just a step away. Again. My God, how often have we been here? How
many times has one of us stepped back instead of forward? I swallow hard
with the realization of what I am about to do, trying to control the
trembling of my entire body and soul. Then, I take the last step. Three
steps forward and now I stand in front of him, touching him.
He smiles at me and releases a long, wavering sigh that whispers to my
very being. His arms wrap around me and pull me to him and God help me
it feels so good. Cold fear and hot desire clash and merge, sending my
heart into a rhythm of surrender. His heart, steady and solid, beats under
my ear, murmuring to me not to be afraid. I feel him pull away slightly; he
tilts my face up, leans down. His lips approach mine like before, like in my
dreams, no bee, no virus, it is happening, our lips touch.
Oh my God, so right, so right, spinning, quivering, soft lips, taste of man,
hands on my back, pulled closer, lights in the darkness, rush of wetness,
spinning out of control, then distance, lips move away, I lean forward, find
them again, press mine against his, softness, desire, taste of him, soft lips,
they part, I enter, I taste him, he moans, vibration through me, tongues
clash, question, challenge, accept, fear disintegrates, fear decays, fear
becomes need, intensity, power, struggle, desperation, heat, ache, so right,
more, more, more, so right, please God more.
END
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All better?
feedback needed: sbarringer@usa.net
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