TITLE: Two Steps Back
AUTHOR: Susanne Barringer
EMAIL: sbarringer@usa.net
ARCHIVE: Anywhere okay with these headers attached.
CATEGORY: VA
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully UST
SPOILERS: Fight the Future
RATING: PG-13 for a few words
SUMMARY: Sequel to "One Step." Mulder contemplates Scully's choice.
DISCLAIMER: Not my characters. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013,
and Fox. No money is being made off their use; no infringement intended.
_____________
Okay all you people who wanted a sequel, here it is. I'm not promising it's
what you asked for, though.
The first part of this story, "One Step," is available at my webpage:
http://www.oocities.com/Area51/Dreamworld/2442 or from me via e-
mail.
____________
Two Steps Back
by Susanne Barringer
When Scully stepped away, it took everything I had not to howl my
frustration out loud. To be honest, it was not at all what I expected from
her. We stood there with barely more than a sliver of air between us, and I
knew that she would lean back into me, that I would take her in my arms,
that we would finally live the life that we were meant to live with each
other. I did not think she would step away. I could feel her hesitation, and
I understood it. Of course there would be some hesitation. I expected
that. I did not expect the refusal.
When she stepped away, my heart puddled in my stomach and I felt my
entire world shudder, challenging everything I had come to believe about
us. Sure, I have been rejected by women before. This was totally
different. For one, it hurt in a way I have never known. Scully's step
forward ripped through my body like fire, scorching each cell individually
like some sort of metaphysical torture. Secondly, I knew she didn't mean
it. Like every man, I've been embarrassed by rejected passes and the
humiliation of having a woman turn away from me. But I am not
humiliated about this, nor am I embarrassed. I know that I have not
misinterpreted Scully, not after all this time. I am right, and that is exactly
why it aches so much.
The kiss we almost shared defines our entire relationship. We have danced
that closely, our love just fractions from being displayed. We have stood
one step away from each other for five years now. Sure, sometimes it has
been a chasm as wide as the universe, but recently it has been just the
slightest of baby steps. We have never stood so close to the inevitable.
The fractions have become millimeters. And in my hallway, right before
that tragic, most ironic of events, the distance had dissolved from
millimeters into nothing.
I could see tonight that it was a struggle for her--the way she wouldn't look
at me during dinner, the way her hands trembled while doing the dishes, the
way her voice shivered over my name. Underneath it all, though, buried
under the hesitation and the doubts and the questions, I saw the desire and
the love encircling her like a radiant blanket. It wrapped around me,
fighting for life despite the suffocating power of her fear. I saw it. I felt it.
I would not have acted otherwise.
I know she was scared. Hell, I'm terrified. Of her, of letting her down, of
not loving her well enough, of not being all she needs me to be. I didn't
think, of all people, that Scully would let that fear control her. She is so
strong, so unwavering, so indomitable. Why does she let love be her
vulnerability, her weakness? Not my love. Never my love. Not when we
are so unconquerable together. We have been able to fight off the darkest
evil together. Our only weakness lies in being apart. That is why I was so
desperate when she told me she was leaving the Bureau, so frantic to keep
her by my side. Without her, I am unguarded, unprotected, defenseless.
Standing with our backs up against each other, facing the world and its
challenges, Scully and I are invincible. Standing face to face, we are more
than that--there is no world out there, no universe, that could defeat us.
All she has to do is take that step to face me.
I should be angry, and part of me is. But I am not angry at her stepping
away. I am angry because she cannot see what I am offering her. It is not
sex, or love, or my heart. It is my entire life. Everything that I am,
everything I have accomplished, the simple fact that I am still alive--all of
that I owe to her. I offered her my life and she stepped away. She doesn't
see it. She doesn't understand that there is nothing to fear.
When she stepped away, my first reaction was to walk out of there. Fuck
you, Scully. If it was anyone besides Scully, that's exactly what I would
have done. But this is Scully. I waited. I gave her one more chance even
though I knew she wouldn't take it. I knew that whatever had forged her
decision, whatever it is that scares her, would not change in those few extra
seconds. I waited anyway. I wanted her to know that I would give her
another chance.
I will give her another chance. In fact, I will make her step away from me
over and over and over again until she can't do it anymore. Until she gets it
right. I will not take no for an answer. Not when I know it is the wrong
answer, for both of us.
END
__________
In the words of Chris Carter, "The word 'sequel' scares me." I hope this
lived up to the former. sbarringer@usa.net
All my fanfic available at my webpage:
http://www.oocities.com/Area51/Dreamworld/2442
(
geocities.com/area51/dreamworld) (
geocities.com/area51)