I knew the day I met you
You were gonna bring a change in me
But sometimes for a man
Change don't come so easily
It took a little time to figure out
What it is I need to live and what to live without

In the beginning, there was only pain. My soul had returned, and all of the memories that had brought the demon so much joy brought me nothing but agony. I kept seeing faces in my dreams. I saw the bloody visages of my victims, following me, accusing me...haunting me. So I tried to hide from my memories, drown my sorrows in an existence of nothingness. I tried to hide from life, living on the streets, no contact with anyone. I lived in pain and squalor as penance for my sins. But it didn't work. Nothing could take away the torment from all those memories. Until I saw her.

She was sunlight, a beauty too strong to be captured by mere mortals. Her heart was open for everyone to see. She cared about people, without reserve, not minding the hurt loving others could bring because the happiness it brought her was so much more. But she was so fragile. How could she be the Slayer? How could such a horrible destiny lay on the shoulders of this one girl? I was sad, because I knew her innocence was about to be taken from her. She was about to step out of the light and into the shadows.

So I followed her, and I watched her, and slowly I felt myself changing. Whistler's training helped, but I was changing for her...all for her. I hadn't even met her yet, and I was changing for her. And as I did, the pain was becoming easier to live with.

But some things were hard to change, even after meeting her. Like the secrets. For so long I was afraid to tell her who I was, who I really was, because I knew she would scream in terror. And she did. But her fascination was stronger than her fear. Eventually she listened, really listened to my story. And she believed me.

But some secrets that were not meant to be shared.

Many times I've tried
To tell you of the things that I have done
But when I think how it would hurt you
Somehow the words don't come
I just can't risk tearing us apart
So the truth will always be buried in my heart

So many times I wanted to confess everything from my shadowed past. I was tired of living with the secrets. But it was one thing for her to know I was a vampire, and quite another to have her know how horrible a monster I really was. I killed hundreds, thousands. Men, women, children. No one was safe from the rage of Angelus. I slaughtered my family, my friends...and I did it all with a song in my heart. I enjoyed the killing, loved the pain and the torture. I rejoiced in the screaming and the terror in my victims' eyes. How could she ever understand that my greatest regret wasn't the death, but the agony I had inflicted before their deaths, and the pleasure I had taken in doing

it?That was something Buffy could never fathom. Even being the Slayer, such utter darkness wasn't something she could comprehend. She was so full of goodness, so full of light. It would only hurt her to know that the man to whom she had given her heart and her love truly was such a monster. So I kept my silence. Until she wanted to know about Drusilla. Why did she have to know about Drusilla, what I had wanted most to forget?

I am more sorry than you'll ever know
Your love has touched me so deep in my soul
Just come and hold me and never let go
I am more sorry than you'll ever know

I couldn't tell her my darkest secrets, couldn't even tell her what I want to say when it was something good. I couldn't find the words to tell her she was my salvation. Her love brought my soul from the deepest despair into something that felt almost human again. With her holding me, I felt like a person, not a demon. But I couldn't tell her. Every time I tried, only cliches spring to mind. But they were true -- heaven would be spending forever in her arms. But I didn't know how to tell her. I loved her so much and I couldn't say the words. Maybe that was for the best. How could she ever love a monster like me? I wished I could have told her how sorry I was about what I'd done. How sorry I was that there was so much darkness inside me, so much I couldn't overcome.

How could I ask for more
Already you've forgiven me so much
When it's heavy on my mind
You wipe it all away with just one touch
So I'll just let the past lie where it lay
But if you ever ask I'll get down on my knees and say

So I told her about Drusilla. How I tortured a pure, innocent girl who only wanted to be good. How I murdered her whole family simply to torment her. How I drove her to a convent in a desperate attempt to escape the evil I brought to her life. How I made her a demon the day she vowed to remain pure and holy forever. As I shared the details of my vilest deeds, what I regretted the most, I saw the shadowed hurt in Buffy's eyes. I had never wanted to confront her with the particulars of my past, for fear it would destroy our love beyond repair, that she could never accept me after learning the truth about what I had done.

Buffy had overlooked so much about me. Sometimes I though she must have forgotten that I was once the most horrible demon in all of Europe, cutting a swath of death and destruction all across the continent. In a way, I hoped these deeds from my past would have driven her away from me, because it was so hard to be close to her. I loved her so much it hurt. I wished I had the courage to leave her. I wished I had the courage to stay and face her, to beg her forgiveness for the past. But I didn't. So I just told her about Ford. Hoping she would heed the warning despite the source.

I am more sorry than you'll ever know
Your love has touched me so deep in my soul
Just come and hold me and never let go
I am more sorry than you'll ever know

She would never know how truly sorry I was for the horrible wrongs I had done, for the pain I inflicted, for the death I caused. She could never understand the depths of my sorrow, because she couldn't comprehend the sheer number of horrors I had perpetrated and the pure delight I had taken in the suffering. But what she could understand, she forgave. She forgave me despite the lies, despite my best attempts to hide the truth. Even when I wasn't honest with her, she forgave me, because she loved me.

She was in so much pain as she stood at the grave of one who had once been a friend. I heard her voice telling Giles "lie to me." I wished she could have remained young and innocent forever. But if she had, she never would have been a part of my world. And I never would have known her love, holding me tight, refusing to let me go.

I gave her one last glance, and walked away.

The End

DeanieBTVS@aol.com

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