"Buffy?" She lifted her head from where it was resting on my chest and looked up at me. "I...I have something I want to say, and I don't really know how to say it."

"Angel?"

I could tell she was worried, thinking I was going to say something awful, like we shouldn't see each other anymore. "Don't worry. This is a good thing. Let's sit down." I led her over to the couch and sat down. She settled herself close to me, so close our thighs were touching. "I'm not quite sure how to begin, or if this will all make sense, but please, just let me talk."

Well I, I still can remember times when the night seemed to surround me
I was sure the sun would never shine on me

"I've spent the last two hundred or so years in darkness, both literally and figuratively. But life was never so dark as when I was first cursed. You can't imagine how horrible..."

"After the curse I didn't really live, I merely existed. I was so overwhelmed by guilt and pain that I couldn't stand it. I tried to lose myself in drinking, but it never helped. Nothing ever helped, so I simply got lost, cut off from everything. I wouldn't feed on a living human being, so I fed on whatever I could find. When Whistler found me, I was homeless and friendless, living in an alley. I was dirty and guilty and miserable. I didn't even have the strength to catch a rat for dinner."

"Angel -" The look in her eyes told me how much she hurt as she thought of my pain. So she tried to interrupt, but I wouldn't let her.

"Buffy, please, I need to tell this in my own way... I hated everything about my life, and regretted so much. I wished desperately, every day, that I had never met Darla, never become a vampire, never done all those deplorable things. I was sure that this was my punishment, to live in total darkness, miserable and alone, cut off from everything, for eternity. I couldn't die, so that was my purgatory -- or worse, my hell on earth."

And I, I thought it my destiny to walk this world alone
But now you're here with me, now you're here with me

"I thought I was going to spend forever alone, never knowing any human emotion except this monumental guilt. And then I saw you. You were so beautiful, with your golden hair shining in the sun. You were sitting on the steps outside of your school in L.A., sucking on a lollipop. You had this...aura of innocence and goodness...I had never seen anything like it. But I could tell that underneath there was an emotional strength you didn't show everyone. And I loved you. I knew that we'd probably never meet, and you'd probably never look twice at me if we did. And if you knew the truth about me, first you'd run screaming...and then you'd come back to kill me. I never believed that I could do anything deserve you. But still, my life changed, in an instant."

And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take, every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you, get me to you, get me to you

"So, you see, I no longer regret becoming a vampire. As horrible as it's been so much of the time, I'm grateful. I'm grateful to Darla for changing my life. Because if I was just a man I would have died long ago. Then I never could have even met you, let alone loved you. No matter how dark the journey got, I can't regret having to take it. I don't regret one night of pain, and guilt, and sorrow. I would do it all over again, or worse, if it would bring me back to this place with you. I would gladly suffer untold tortures for just a moment with you, because here, in your arms is where I belong."

Well I, I still can recall the days when I had no love around me
Makes me glad for every day I have with you
And I look in your eyes I know I'm right where I belong
And I belong with you, always belong with you

"Being here with you is even better, because I know how horrible life can be. I've seen the darkness, Buffy, so I can see the contrast in a way few people can. You have to have the darkness to appreciate the light. And you are my light. You bring sunshine to my dark and lonely world."

"Angel-" she tried again to interrupt. A solitary tear ran down her cheek, and I could see the love that burned strong in her heart, glowing in her eyes.

"Buffy, please, let me finish. I'm almost done. Where was I? I've thought a lot over the years about why I became a vampire, what the purpose was. And especially about why I got my soul back. There are so many vamps out there but *I* got my soul back. And I decided that it was you, for you. It was destiny. We belong together. When I look in your eyes, I'm home, and I'm at peace. I'm nothing without you, just an empty shell. You're the other half to my soul, Buffy, my soulmate. And I love you."

And if I could I wouldn't change a thing, wouldn't change a thing baby
Because your love was waiting there for me, waiting there for me baby

"Even if I could go back in time, to warn myself about what was waiting in that dark alley, I wouldn't. No matter what I had to go through to get to this point, it was worth it, because we're together. Your love is the brilliant light at the end of my tunnel of darkness."

And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take, every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you, get me to you, get me to you, oh yeah

I looked deep into her eyes, bright with unshed tears. "You, Buffy Summers, are my destiny. And I love you, more than I had ever thought I could love anyone."

"I love you, too."

There, in the darkness of the night, our lips met. And no more words were needed.

The End

DeanieBTVS@aol.com

Go here for more of Deanie's stories.