It's Always Bad News...
by Ducks

I found the address from her letters easily -- a cute little stucco apartment building in the student neighborhood near the school.

It was early morning, and I crouched low in the car, the window rolled down to allow me to see... like the first time I saw her, scrunched similarly in the Whistler's car... when I was still so overcome by my guilt that I couldn't function. The first time I saw her golden innocence, her radiant sweetness -- I'd been renewed. She'd saved my life without ever knowing I was there.

And what was I doing now, exactly? Repaying that gift with a good, solid stalking? It wouldn't be the first time. I couldn't think straight -- couldn't formulate a rational reason to be sitting here outside her house after all this time, waiting. Maybe because there wasn't one. Maybe because I was insane with jealousy and terror of truly losing her....

But she must love this guy, right? She wouldn't marry someone who didn't honor her, respect her, make her feel special... Just who the hell was I to deny her that? To deny her the fairy tale she'd dreamed of since she was a little girl?

The front door opened, then, and suddenly the sun was outshined by her appearance. It had been years since I'd set eyes on her, and that time had been nothing but kind. She was so beautiful -- growing gracefully into the promise of radiant womanhood that she'd shown as a teenager. her hair was much longer, her dress more subtle, but her face... her smile... the way she carried herself -- all said she was the same old Buffy.

She and Willow were dressed casually, laughing and chatting as they got into a car parked two up from me. They pulled out, and I followed.

They went into a wedding store with a giant showcase window, where I was treated to the sight of Buffy's gown fitting. Willow fussed and fluttered all around her, and Buffy preened and posed, so grown-up, so elegant in the simple, but spectacular ivory gown. I sat there, crying, watching her, and soon I was lost in a vision...

A vision of me added to the scene I was witnessing, feeling like I was dying of joy as she showed off the gown for me.

"Well?" She asked, twirling so that the crinoline and satin skirts flowed out around her.

I could do nothing but smile, at first. Then I rose and placed my hands on her arms, looking deeply into her eyes.

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I told her, and it was more true than any truth I'd ever spoken.

My daydream was interrupted by a car door slamming, and Joyce joined Willow and Buffy in the store. She looked worried and tired, but put on a happy face for Buffy's benefit.

I was again reminded of Joyce's words, when she visited my home all those years ago...

"When it comes to you, Angel, she's like any other young girl in love. You're all she can see of tomorrow..."

Was this Owen now all Buffy could see of her future? A vision of the kid I met long ago holding her, telling her that he loved her, and she saying it in return, caused a piercing pain in my gut.

I watched the Hallmark moment a few minutes longer. Buffy looked happy. She looked like she was having the best time, preparing for the most important moment of her life...

Which she was.

I followed the women all over town for the rest of the day, as they shopped, stopped to eat lunch at a little cafe, then shopped still more.

It was like watching a television show about the most important person in your life. It did my heart good to see her again, to watch the way she smiled at her mom and her best friend. To see the way she moved, the way she tilted her head intently to listen...

I kept telling myself I couldn't believe I let her go. I kept thinking how she was the only sunshine that had ever shone on my darkened existence, and that I had snuffed out that precious light with my own words, my own actions. I had brought this crushing darkness back down around myself, and now, it was drowning me. I was trapped in the tunnel to hell -- a tunnel overpopulated with demons who taunted me -- who told me over and over in mocking tones how much I deserved it, all this pain...

And I believed them.

The women eventually reconvened at Buffy's house, and by nightfall, first Joyce, then Willow, had left.

If I was going to do anything, it had to be now. Now, while she was alone. Now, before I lost my nerve. Now, before it was too late and my darkness crushed me forever into lonely oblivion.

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