Usual disclaimers, we don't own 'em, but the explosives…well, <eg>
I Love the Smell of Semtex/C-4 in the Morning (1/2)
By Shana Nolan and Cousin Mary
*****************
"But if we follow this plan, we might risk blowing ourselves up!" Ren yelled over the din of arguing Thugs.
Mary, Godmother of the Dark Perk Mafia, ran a hand through her short blonde hair and considered the -slight- problem of self-destruction. "True, I guess we should -try- to stay out of the blast range, considering some of us are more flammable than others." She paused to eye the flowing silk and lycra gown that Kimmer had insisted on wearing (you can take the Ravenette from the club, but trying to take the Ravenette out of the designer clothes was another matter entirely.) "But it's still a decent plan." She finished.
A few coughs murmured through the room. The assembled DPs waited for further comment by Mary before throwing more suggestions out.
The Godmother shrugged. "If we stick one general area, plant the drug-laced smoke bombs in the right place, keep the explosives to certain parts of the infrastructure and keep the pink paint bombs to the parts we want left standing, we should be set. But Jenn, I think your and Shana's plans of using blowguns and neurotoxin laced darts to keep the witnesses from talking is a bit too... uh, chancy. Tracy can't bail us out if we're caught after something like -that-!"
The mad doctor DP and the Dark Perk angel exchanged a confused look. She couldn't?
"I guess that means we should take the toxin off the Bunsen burner. Ya wanna get the heavy duty gloves for the already dipped darts?" Jenn asked.
Shana grinned, "Sure, I'll get 'em, but we really should drop them in liquid nitrogen for cold storage for future use... "
Mary cleared her throat and raised an eyebrow. "Thugs... before sunrise, if you don't mind."
Jenn and Shana shrugged and shuffled out of the room.
"And, yeah, put them in cold storage!" Mary called after them. "Okay, I've got tasks for the rest of you... "
* * *
"I wanna carry the coffee pot!"
"No! I was here before you were. It's my duty. You have to keep the guns polished!"
"Uh-uh." Maya stuck out her tongue. "I've done it twice and it's Jenny's job now anyways."
Anna clutched the huge silver carafe protectively. "I've got it, okay? You carry the creamer and sugar packet duffel!"
"I did that last time. Besides, shouldn't Kimmer be pitching in? She's new, too." Maya griped.
Anna made a face, "Kimmer said she had a 'plan,' and asked that her chores be suspended for awhile."
"And Mary agreed to this?!" Maya yelped, making another grab for the coffee pot.
Anna easily side-stepped her, "Yeah, she said that Kimmer's plan was 'sooo Dark Perkish that it went above and beyond the value of diamond-bright artillery.'"
Maya's jaw dropped, "What?!"
"I know!" Anna shook her head, "It's gotta be -some- plan!"
Maya nodded like she was agreeing, but then she lunged for the coffee pot again.
Anna jumped up onto the counter top and laughed cruelly down at Maya (who'd landed on the linoleum with a thud.) "Give it up Maya! I'm younger and faster, plus I've had more caffeine this morning!"
Maya let loose a guttural growl and prepared to show her friend the true meaning of 'Thug.'
Breezing into the kitchen, Anne, the only true-Perk of the Dark Perk Mafia, shushed the younger Thugs. "Girls! Sheesh, there's enough for everybody to do something. Besides, why argue over that particular coffee pot when there's three other carafes just like it that need to go?"
Maya and Anna blinked. Just as Anne had said, three large silver carafes identical to the one they were arguing over were sitting on the counter, filled to the brim with steaming cappuccinos.
Anne picked her smiley face coffee cup off the huge rack and stuffed it in her backpack. "Eat a brownie and go get Jenny and maybe a few others... we're on an itinerary after all." And with one last cheery smile, Anne floated gracefully from the kitchen, completely ignoring the <crash> and cursing that broke out in her wake. Well, she had tried.
* * *
Kimmer, Thug on chore-leave, was at the Raven.
Sitting across the way from the dark hared and awe inspiring Janette, she tucked her dark pink fingernails underneath the table and grinned.
The vampire arched an eyebrow at her Dark Perk-ified Ravenette. "You want me to do what?"
"I, rather we, need to get Vachon distracted for the evening. Y'know, keep the bloodwine flowing and *not* kick him out for being a 'slacker newbie punk vampire.'"
Janette was staring down the young woman. This was not a usual request. "Does Tracy let you arrange her plans for the evening?"
Kimmer hesitated. She was treading on dangerous ground. The kind of ground that required *bolts* of silk damask velvet to make up for it. "I, well, yes, kind of, we can arrange her plans, as much one can for a mortal cop that works with the bri-- Nick."
The dark hared vampire eased her stare and relaxed back in her chair. Lighting a cigarette with the flick a dexterous thumb, she queried, "And I, the vampire club owner...?"
"Has eternity to enjoy the way she wants to."
She blew a puff of smoke out and sighed. "Smooth talking as always Kimmer. What needs be done?"
"Well," Kimmer leaned forward, but at Janette's disapproving glance (a Ravenette should never forget the importance of proper posture) she straightened, "Well, what we're going to do is…"
Moments later, Janette's bell-like laughter echoed through the club.
"So you'll help?" Kimmer brightened, well, brightened as much as a Dark Perk -can-.
"Of course, my child," Janette smiled slightly, "I must, say you Dark Perks are a rather interesting group."
Kimmer rose elegantly to her feet and with a swoosh of her arm, swept the train of her dark pink evening gown (with its hidden daggers) behind her, "We try."
* * *
Across town, Dark Perks Ren and Laura were at their local neighborhood spy/whole sale leather shop…Bond's Bondage.
"Okay," Ren pulled out their shopping list (on pink stationary don't ya know.) "We need, fourteen packages of number 8 width fuses, 16 inches to be on the safe said. A HushCo brand detonator set, a half-pound of…" Ren's attention wandered to her side-kick's antics in the corner, "Uh, Laura?"
The Dark CERK Perk, thrust the riding crop she'd been toying with behind her back. "What?"
Ren fought back a grin, "See something you like?"
Laura looked around the shop with apparent disinterest, "In here? No, of course not."
Ren shrugged, turned back to the leather-masked clerk and finished her list.
All of the sudden a scream shattered the shop's calm atmosphere. Ren spun around. "What is it?!"
Laura stood in the center of the 'chap' aisle and pointed up at the ceiling.
Ren looked up and gasped. There, in the center of the ceiling was suspended a mannequin that bore a remarkable resemblance to Lacroix! "Oh my word."
Laura and Ren looked at the clerk and waited for an explanation as to why the city's master vamp was hanging from the rafters.
They waited a few minutes before Ren realized she had to unzip the mask's zipper mouth before the clerk would tell them anything, with a sigh, she did this.
The clerk smiled, "You mistresses like that?" He pointed at the mannequin, "I'm told it looks like the Nightcrawler, you know, that radio guy?"
Laura and Ren nodded mutely.
"He's gotta big following 'round here," The clerk continued, "And ya gotta admit, he looks pretty good in chaps!"
Laura and Ren looked up again, yep, he sure did.
Suddenly, Ren and Laura exchanged a devious look. They next turned to the leather masked clerk, and in unison asked, "How much for that dolly on the ceiling?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
continued in: I love the smell of Semtex/C-4 in the Morning, Part 2.
Usual disclaimers. Don't try this at home, we're professionals. <eg>
I Love the Smell of Semtex/C-4 in the Morning (2/2)
By Shana Nolan and Cousin Mary
*****************
Shana and Mary weren't having as much fun as Ren and Laura, or even Maya and Anna that matter. They were in the sewer, laying the radio relays in preparation for their 'celebration.'
"How come we got this job?" Shana asked, stabbing the damp wall with an aluminum spike.
"'Cause no one else wanted it." Mary explained, digging around her DP utility belt for some dark pink wire.
"But aren't you supposed to be in-charge?"
Mary blinked, "Yeah."
"So why didn't you assign this to someone else?"
Mary grinned, "You know, I didn't even think to do that."
Shana growled, her friend had no idea how to abuse the power of her office!
Just then, there came a rather offensive ditty echoing down the tunnel.
"Quick! Hide!" Shana yelped.
Mary looked around, other than the murky water flowing down the center if the sewer there wasn't much in the way of hiding places around here. "Um, I think we should be brave and stand our ground instead."
Shana's eyes took on a wild gleam, "You mean, show 'em what it means to be a Dark Perk?"
Mary looked back at the water, "Um, sure."
"Ha!" Shana through her head back and laughed, "Come out you fool! We're ready for you!"
Mary looked down the tunnel, really hoping that there was a city worker coming.
No such luck.
"Screed?!" Shana breathed, "Darn it!"
"Huh?" The carouche looked confused. "Wotter you two birds doin' dow 'ere? An' why ain't ya 'appy ta see ol' Screed?"
"Cuz we were 'opin' you'd be some'un we could beats up." Shana mimicked his accent.
Mary's eyes went wide, was Shana trying to get them killed?! "Um, she's just kidding, we were," She glanced at the wall where what they were doing still sat half unwired, "Um, we were, uh, lost! Yeah, that's it! We were trying to find the subway!"
"What are you taking about?" Shana slapped the packet hanging from the relay. Mary flinched.
Screed's eyes narrowed and he snatched the suspicious packet. " 'ey, there's just goo in 'ere!"
" 'ey! Tha's ours!" Shana grabbed one end and a small tug of war broke out.
"Shana!" Mary gasped, grabbing her friend's arm, "Remember what that -is-?"
Suddenly Shana did remember, "Oh!" She let go, and the two college students went tumbling into the murky water.
When the came sputtering to the surface Screed was still there, laughing at them.
Swimming over to the side (really, really hoping that what they were in was rain run-off) Shana glanced at Mary, "You know how many diseases are represented down here?"
Mary ignored her, she was getting a bit miffed about how Screed was continuing to laugh at them, "To hell with self-preservation." She mumbled, then grabbed Screed's pant leg and dragged him into the water with them.
As Screed went slashing into the water, Mary looked at Shana in horror, "Oh god, what did I just do?"
Shana shook her head, "We're going to die." She mumbled.
"Been nice knowin' ya." Mary said with certainty.
"See you on the other side." Shana nodded.
Shana and Mary cringed against the wall, hoping their deaths would be merciful and quick.
Just then, Screed came swimming back to the surface. He looked around for a moment, then grabbed Mary and with a cry of, "Woohoo! Feisty!" kissed her on the lips, hard.
Mary wrenched her mouth away, looking utterly horrified.
Then, Screed saw a nice juicy rat run across the opposite bank and took off after it.
Shana and Mary bobbed along in the water for awhile before either said anything.
"So?" Shana finally asked.
Mary blushed, "Not bad."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Later that night, Tracy checked her voice mail and found a rather strange message requesting her to come by the church after her shift, at least, that's what she thought it meant:
"It will be to your advantage to be present at this Church on this night, For certain persons with bodies, will put to an end a long standing and ugly structural liability."
The voice had signed off saying he was, "A friend," but Tracy had recognized the voice as Eric's.
"Hmm," Tracy set the phone down gently in the cradle and glanced at the clock, she still had two hours left on her shift. She didn't know what was going on, but knowing that her Dark Perk faction was involved…she was pretty sure she was in for a good time. Tracy next looked at her partner (who was currently lost in a flashback about 14th century codpieces) "Nick, I'm going to check out some leads okay?"
Nick didn't even blink.
"Bri- uh, Nick?" Tracy waved her fingers in front of his face.
No response.
With a sigh, Trace scribbled on a post-it note <tm> 'Going out for coffee.' And stuck it to her partner's forehead. "Later." She mumbled and headed out the door.
When Tracy arrived at the church she found a party in full swing. She looked around, no Vachon, no Urs, not even Lacroix. But all there were a lot of people around, dancing to…the Police?
Setting her purse down in the vestibule, Tracy was handed a nice steaming cup of cappuccino and a bagel. Yep, this was definitely a Dark Perk party. Tracy went further into the church and spotted some people she knew, "Shana!"
The DP angel turned guilty around from where she was dancing with a very nice extra from season two. "Hi Tracy! Glad you could make it!"
"I had a choice?" The blonde quirked an eyebrow.
"We all have choices," Mary walked up, "What is life if not a series of meaningless and profound choices?"
Tracy and Shana each took a moment to roll their eyes.
"Yeah, whatever," Tracy looked at the two before her, "So who are all these people?"
"Extras!" Shana grinned.
"What?" Tracy took a sip of hr coffee and waited for further enlightenment.
"Extras," Mary repeated, "You know, the guys from arson, some people who work in booking."
"That waitress from the Raven." Shana tacked on.
"All…" Mary's voice dropped to a whisper, "All mortals though, you know, considering where we're having it and all."
Tracy glanced around the darkly decorated church, "Yeah, why don't you tell me why we're getting down with our bad selves in Vachon's place?"
"Oh, it doesn't have anything to do with him!" Shana grinned.
"No?" Tracy looked over to the dance floor, where countless Thugs were shankin' their groove thangs with some forensic accounting.
"No," Mary smiled, "It's just really close to where we want to be."
"But outside the blast range." Shana added.
"Blast range?" Tracy echoed, getting seriously worried now. "What do you mean?"
"Well," Mary and Shana exchanged a look, "Kimmer commented that the building across from the Church was kind of…"
"Ugly?" Tracy supplied with a smirk.
Shana nodded, "Anyway, we did some checking and it turns out the place -is- condemned. But it's not slated for demolition for 8 months!"
"Budget cuts." Mary nodded.
"So you guys are going to -help-?" Tracy closed her eyes. Well, this faction certainly were a civic-minded lot weren't they?
"We checked and made sure the place was empty," Mary insisted, "Everything's set!"
"What about Vachon?" Tracy asked suspiciously, she was pretty sure the former Conquistador would -not- be happy to find her faction partying in his abode. (at least not if he wasn't invited!)
"Kimmer's taken care of him." Shana told her.
"He's not tied to the bed is he?" Tracy demanded, she'd pretty much figured out how this faction worked.
"No!" Shana and Mary exchanged another look, probably wondering why -they- hadn't thought of that.
"So when's the show going to begin?" The cop asked.
Shana giggled, "You don't know how right you are!"
Tracy's eyes narrowed, she turned them on Mary.
"Uh," Mary elbowed Shana in the ribs to quiet her, "Midnight. Until then," Mary swung her arm wide to take in the whole church, "Enjoy the party!"
For the next two hours, Tracy, the Thugs and their guests enjoyed a wonderful party. They listened to some great music, ate wonderful food, and more than one enjoyed the spiked coffee punch.
At exactly midnight, the party moved to the Church's front steps.
There was a small incident when one of the guys from arson asked to see the Thugs' permits for demolition and pyrotechnics, but as he was very drunk, when Eric showed his fishing license, he just nodded his okay and promptly passed out.
Just as the 12 chimes were finishing, the show began.
First, Ren pressed a button and a neat row of about 100 sparklers lit up along the abandoned warehouse's roof line.
As the cascade of dark pink fireworks exploded into the night sky. *Booms* of ear shattering proportion shook the church as the onlookers cheered the light show.
Next, the boarded windows pooped open to reveal the Lacroix mannequin.
Eric pressed a button and a cartoonish voice boomed forth,
"Dogs are for breakfast!"
There was a general hissing and booing from the crowd as the Thugs all did their best to let 'Lacroix' know what they thought of -that- statement.
Bob threw some fire crackers at the mannequin. Laura threw a trout (we didn't ask…)
Next, Jenny passed out some remote controls to all the Thug-affiliated party-goers.
When Tracy pressed the 'forward' switch on hers, she found a small remote control toy-dog rolled out of an unseen crate (hidden behind some of the DP motorcycles.) Tracy grinned as she noticed hers looked like Sparky.
"Oh yeah." She mumbled as she sent the yapping toy at the mannequin (who happened to be dressed in a little Bo Peep dress for some odd reason…)
Countless 'dogs' rushed at 'Lacroix,' yapping and snarling all the way.
After ramming her puppy into the wall beneath Lacroix window a few times, Tracy noticed a dark pink button on the side of her remote. Consumed with curiosity, Tracy, of course, had to pressed it. Her puppy promptly exploded.
Following Tracy's lead, the Thugs began to blow up their dogs too.
When the smoke cleared, all the dogs, and a good section of warehouse were gone too.
But, 'Lacroix' still stood there.
Eric pressed a button and an evil laugh filled the air, "I'm too old and powerful to die!"
Tracy was getting into this little melodrama now, sure she didn't have much against the -real- Lacroix, but then, this wasn't the real Lacroix was it? "Oh yeah?" She pulled her gun and squeezed of a shot, it hit him right between the eyes. The be-gowned vampire mannequin was dead.
The Thugs all looked wide-eyed at Tracy.
She looked back at them, blowing some smoke off the end of her gun. "What?" She asked with a wicked grin.
"Nothing…" The Thugs gulped, then returned to their revelry.
Mary waved her hands in the air towards Miranda, who was standing next to an old fashioned detonator box, the teen grin and pressed a the handle between giggles.
Raising out of the rubble, a circus cannon came into view on a platform. It's (dark pink) fuse burning towards the cannon body.
Tracy elbowed the Dark Perk Godmother. "What exactly are you going to do with that?"
"What -can't- you do with a cannon?" Mary asked, then smirked. "Just a little thug justice for all that paperwork, Trace."
The blonde cop shrugged. "Kewl."
A gasp hushed through the partiers as the fuse disappeared. Ten seconds later, a loud *bang* sounded and a huge round capsule of dark pink goo flew through the air near the warehouse district.
A second season desk sergeant (Murray Olansdski, jr.) tapped Kimmer on the shoulder. "Where's that pink blob going?"
Shana snickered and grinned at the two of them. "Towards a certain special skylight. Eh, I dunno, I think Nick's place needs a splash of colour. Right, Mary?"
"Yep... but not just him... " Mary gestured towards another box.
Running up from opposite directions, SC and June glared at each other and looked like they might resort to a bout of fisticuffs, but then they grinned and decided to push the button together.
The Thugs took a minute of sadistic silence, tormenting the crowd as well as savoring the experience, then, they pressed it.
The party-goers exchanged looks, at first they didn't hear or see anything.
"Just wait." Mary promised.
A few moments later, a manhole lid came flying off of its hole and a writhing, bald, pink dyed man darted up and down the street.
Carly gasped. "Screed!!"
Mary and Shana high-fived.
Finally, it came time to destroy the evidence (not to mention get out of there before someone called the cops, it was a pretty deserted area, but still…)
With a grand flourish, Tracy was handed the final detonation box.
Accepting it as if it were the most precious of jewels, Tracy took it and counted down from 10.
"10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2…"
Then, she pushed it.
There was a loud <bang> followed by series of smaller pops. With a slight rumble, the warehouse vibrated, the infrastructure shaking loose and crumbling in neat little piles.
As the outer layers of the building settled on the ground, the internal structure became visible, revealing a mural of a headless pink bunny holding a coffee cup and the words "Dark Perks rule, Knighties drool!" scrawled across its belly.
Tracy gaped, then laughed as the Dark Perks whooped and cheered and made all other kinds of noises that are not necessary to list. <g>
All too soon, the sound of sirens filled the air and the Thugs and their guests scattered like…well, thugs after a really good party about to be raided by the cops. <eg>
Back at the mansion, Tracy looked at the assembled Thugs over a nice cup of coffee. "Wow guys, that was -some- party."
"Nobody celebrates the Fourth of July like the Dark Perks!" Shana grinned.
"-That's- what the party was for?" Laura asked wide-eyed.
"Good an excuse as any," Mary grinned.
The Thugs all raise there mugs in silent salute to whoever thought up the idea of explosives as a holiday tradition."
>>>>>>>>>>>
Send comments to Shana, Mary or Macgruff the crime dog :)
No trout, pink goo covered Nick or Screed were harmed in the writing of this story.