"All right, everybody. Like FREEZE!" an authoritative voice boomed out.
Giles blinked the flashing lights out of his eyes and recognized a California State Highway Patrol car.
"Just a small accident, officers," Rio said in an diffident, innocent voice that was somewhat hampered by the biker's 200 and plus pound bulk.
A patrolman got out of the car and walked over, hand on his holster, to peer at Sheila. "Are you okay, miss?"
"They hit me," Sheila grumbled, rubbing her head and glaring at Giles and Willow.
"All right then, the two of you: Up against the car!" the patrolman said, and shoved Giles against Cordelia's BMW.
"You don't understand!" Giles tried to turn around. The officer tensed and began to pull the gun out of its holster. "Oh, very well," Giles said, and put his hands up on the car.
"What are you doing?" The patrolman had suddenly noticed Zuzu, Viola the Vampire, Lucy, and Professor Anderson in mid-brawl by the ditch.
"N-nous? De rien!" Lucy stuttered, and drew her hands away from Professor Anderson's throat.
"Sunny, better call in reinforcements!" the patrolman yelled to his partner.
"Andy, Zuzu, Lucy, stop acting like delinquents and come up out of that ditch,' Professor Scopes snapped. "You're giving this good man a turn." He smiled apologetically at the officer. "Auto insurance disputes. You've undoubtedly seen them before."
Holding Boyce in a headlock, Buffy staggered over from the other end of the BMW. "Giles? What's up?"
The patrolman swung around and unholstered his gun. "Let go of him!"
Buffy slowly uncurled her elbow from around Boyce's neck, then patted him on the head as an afterthought. "Hey!" she said. "Just horsing around with good ol' . . ."
"Boyce," the vampire muttered, rubbing his neck.
"Boyce, here."
"Is this some kind of weird initiation thing?" the patrolman asked, looking warily around him.
"Yep!" Lucy declared. "Exactly! Everybody?"
Affirmations chimed in from all sides.
"Can somebody give me a hand up?" Professor Szell whined from his curl on the ground.
"Well okay then, dudes. But I've still got an assault and battery here," the patrolman grumbled.
"They didn't hurt me," Sheila said with a sneer.
"Doesn't matter." He hauled out a pair of handcuffs. "You made the statement, so now I gotta bring 'em in." He latched one of the cuffs onto Giles' left wrist. "Sunny! Throw me your cuffs!"
"Can't!" she bellowed out the window. "Don't have 'em!"
"Well, shee-it," he said. "Guess you guys'll have to share."
"No!" Willow squeaked in dismay as he latched the other cuff onto her right wrist and appropriated her purse. "She started it!"
He sorted through the purse, scattering wadded twenty dollar bills on the ground, then retrieved the money and stuffed it back in. "Don't complain to me," he grumbled. He looped the purse strap over her left shoulder and patted Giles down. "Here Sunny and me are surfin' down the highway, half an hour from the end of shift. Got our boards up top all ready to go. And you guys have to show up."
"Troublemakers," Sunny griped, coming out to lean against the patrol car. "Now we got to haul you two in, fill out the paperwork, take this girly's statement --" she pointed a thumb at Sheila.
"I ain't giving no statement," Sheila declared.
The two patrol-people looked at her thoughtfully.
"You think I'm gonna say that these two were beating up on me? I mean, come on."
"Girl's got a point, Enrico" the patrolwoman remarked
"Hey!" Willow said indignantly. "We were kicking your ass!"
Giles kicked her in the ankle with the side of his foot.
"Okay!" the patrolwoman decided. "Everybody, break up this tail-gate party! Get into your vehicles and move on!"
The rowdy old geezers retrieved their fallen comrade and drifted muttering back to their Jaguar. The Harley's Angels went to their motorcycles and revved them up.
"You dudes too!" the patrolman snapped at Viola, Boyce, and Buffy.
"Tell them to move their car," Buffy muttered.
"Are you going to let us go?" Giles prompted.
"Oh, yeah man." Enrico fumbled about his pockets. "Sunny, give me the cuff key."
"Don't have it," Sunny said, popping a stick of gum into her mouth.
"What d'ya mean you don't have it? I gave it to you an hour ago."
"You gave me the key to the evidence locker," Sunny insisted.
"No, I gave you the evidence locker key right after we came out of the bowling alley. What the hell is wrong with you? Memory leak?"
"The key you gave me at the bowling alley was the key to the annex snack room," Sunny said with a roll of the eyes.
"Look, just give me the keys."
She pulled out an immense ring bristling with keys of all sizes. Enrico grabbed them and started to sort through them one by one.
"You guys should go," Sunny said to Buffy and Sheila, who were hovering nearby.
"Not without my friends," Buffy said, glaring at Sheila.
"Here it is!" Enrico declared, pulling a small key out from the rest. "I told you I gave it to you."
"Hate to dash your delusion, Master Mind," Sunny said. "But that's the key to my locker at the swimming pool."
"Don't I know my own keys? I painted a blue stripe on this one."
"Yah. Blue, for water."
"No, blue for 'blues'." Enrico glared at his partner. "How the hell are we gonna keep things straight when you won't stick to the color code?" He tried the key on the handcuffs, but it didn't work. He went back to sorting through the ring.
"Buffy," Giles said. "You wouldn't have an aspirin on you?"
"No drug dealing while you're in custody," Enrico said sternly.
"You didn't give the cuff key to me," Sunny insisted again.
He scowled, but continued to hunt.
"We're stuck like this?" Willow's voice quivered.
"Nah," Enrico said. "I remember now! It's in my gym bag!" He pulled open the boot to the patrol car.
"Enrico?" Sunny said as he rummaged around. "You left the bag in the locker room at Paddycake's Gym, remember?"
He hit himself in the side of the head. "Damned if I didn't! Silly me." He opened the rear door of the patrol car. "In you go, guys."
"You were going to let us go!" Willow said indignantly.
"Not with my cuffs!" Enrico retorted with equal indignation. "What are you guys trying to do, get me into trouble?"
"Stealing an officer's handcuffs is a felony," Sunny recited in a bored tone.
"Is not!" Willow attempted, but she and Giles were shoved into the car regardless.
"The gym is just down the road. Or we could get the master key down at the jail across the county. Of course if we do go to the jail, the sergeant will make us book you," Sunny said pleasantly.
"Don't want to do that," Enrico said. "It'll make us late for our surfing party."
"You're costing us enough time as it is." Sunny slammed the door on them and rounded over to the passenger side.
"What are we supposed to do?" Buffy demanded.
"Go home," Enrico said sternly. "You kids should be home at this hour anyway."
"And how are my friends going to get back?"
"Ain't our problem," Sunny declared. "They shouldn't have been picking fights on the roadside at four in the morning."
"Where's this Paddycake's Gym?"
Sunny gave a long put-upon sigh. "Down the road about a mile. Don't follow us there. It'll look bad. Wait a few minutes, if you must go."
"Like those surfboards tied on top of your patrol car look real professional," Buffy muttered as she stomped back to the car. She and Sheila glared at each other for a moment before they got into their respective cars.
"Now what?" Xander said.
"We're supposed to wait. I want to go back and pick up Angel and Cordelia, but if we go back to the 'Hog Wild' first, Sheila and the Motley Crew there are going to get first dibs on Giles and Willow. On the other hand, they've got two cops with 'em. And I don't know what mess we left Angel in."
"Not to discourage or anything. But looking at the cops in question, I'd stick with our two on this end," Xander said. "Besides, Angel has Cordelia to protect him."
"That's another thing to fear," Buffy muttered. "Hey, those cheaters! We're supposed to wait!"
Boyce had started the black Cadillac and was swinging out into the road directly after the patrol car.
The parking lot to Paddycake's Gym was swarming with police cars.
"Damn Saturday AM crowd," Enrico grumbled as he steered to the furthest reaches of the lot. "I thought we were going to switch to the Slammer. Why did we decide not to go there?"
"Too many farkin' feds go there," Sunny replied. "Besides, their jacuzzi has been on the blink forever."
"Oh yeah. Hey the Bingo parlor next door has the Doubles sign up! Want to play a round before we head for the beach?"
"Not to complain," Giles said, lifting his and Willow's arms.
"There's Flex Connell! Ha! Guess who's been OD'ing on the Chest-Master!" Enrico shot the patrol car into a just vacated slot. "Heard Flex got a gig as an advisor on Rory Vitali's new film."
"Fuckin' vice cops get all the breaks," Sunny pouted. She climbed out of the car, fluffed her short blond hair and struck a pose against the fender. "Flex honey!" she shouted out, "How's tricks!"
Flex waved cheerily back.
"Did you see him in drag for Vice's last prostitution bust?" she asked her partner as he got out. "He looks better in fishnets and slingbacks than I ever did. Is that Captain Spinelli over there?"
"Fuckacamel, it is," Enrico grumbled, "and here she was lecturing us about spending too much duty time down here." He stretched and rubbed the back of his neck. "I could sure use a massage before we hit the beach."
"Hey!" Willow yelled out the window as the two started to walk away from the car. "What about the handcuff key?"
"Huh? Oh yeah! Silly us." Enrico came back, opened the car door and hauled Giles out by the arm, Willow trailing after. "It'll only take a minute. I've got to stop by the locker room for it."
They walked through the automatic double doors that fronted the gym, into a large brightly lit reception area. "Sit here," Enrico told Giles and Willow, pointing them toward a day-glo orange bench. "And Sunny, don't leave them alone like you did the last two we had in custody? Captain Spinelli would spit if he found them loitering around in here on their own."
"Oh all right," she grumbled and plopped down on the bench next to Giles. "But don't get to admiring yourself in the mirrors in there and lose track of the time, 'kay?" She picked up a Muscle magazine from the spool table next to the couch and started to leaf through it.
Sheila and Viola came sauntering in. "Wow, man!" Viola was saying as the two vampiresses peered about at the abundance of well-built bodies moving through the reception area. "Cornucopia time!"
A muscular attendant came to the fore of the desk. "Hey chickies," he said, "I'd take a hike if I were you. This is a major cop hangout."
"That's okay, big guy," Sheila said. "We're major cop groupies."
"Jail bait," Sunny said, without looking up from her magazine.
"Not me!" Viola climbed up on the desk and began to file her long black fingernails. "I just dress young."
"Is that what you call that?" Willow said. "Looks more like the 'Many Ages of the Salvation Army'."
"Score one for the redhead," Sunny said, still not looking up.
Giles looked at Willow. "Cordelia's a bad influence," she said apologetically.
Enrico and Flex came out of the men's locker room, laughing uproariously at some joke. Sunny shot them an irritated look.
"Fuck me, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard," Enrico hiccuped. "Sunny, have you heard the one --"
"Yep, heard it. Can we go play Bingo now?"
"Huh? Oh yeah. Flex, wanna play a round of Bingo?"
"Sorry. I gotta go up to the shoot before it gets too much later."
"The Vitali movie? Can we come watch?"
"Sure, don't know why not. What're you gonna do with your prisoners though?"
Giles and Willow held up their linked wrists and looked at the patrolman expectantly.
"Shit, I forgot. Silly me," Enrico said. "Sunny, do you have the key to my gym locker? I don't seem to have it on me."
"It's on that key ring I gave you."
He pulled out the keys again. "No it isn't. See? No big orange key."
"Shit then, I don't know. Did you leave it over at the skating rink? That's where you left it last time."
He sat down next to Willow. "Yeah, either there or -- Hey, we were up over at the Boardwalk after we were last here. Bet I left it at the shooting gallery, because I was going through my pockets looking for tokens that I had left over from the week before."
"I ain't runnin' all over the place, if you're not sure," Sunny said.
"We can't go to the beach until we do something with these two."
"We could take them to the shoot," Flex suggested. "Maybe they have an all-purpose cuff key in props."
"No!" Giles said. The police officers all looked at him. "I-I have a fear of movie sets," he tried lamely.
"I'd rather go surfing anyway," Sunny grumbled. She looked at the gym attendant. "Hey man, you got the Master for the lockers here?"
"You kidding?" he scoffed. "With all the paranoid cops about? But tell you what, most of the guys when they have this problem haul over to The Goose's Crypt. They should have a cuff key there that'll fit."
"Good idea, Sport," Enrico enthused. "Should've thought of that on our own. Come on people, it's just --"
"-- down the road," Giles said. "Yes. Where have we heard this one before?"
"Can we like ride with you guys?" Viola said, putting her nail file away. "'Cause we're running kinda low on gas."
"We ain't runnin' no cab here." Enrico hauled Giles and Willow up again. "Com'on. Hey, we're as bummed by this as you are. I mean, we're supposed to be just about off shift now."
They ran into Buffy and Xander coming in through the sliding doors.
"Change of venue, Buffy," Willow said plaintively.
"Yeah, Buffy," Sheila said. "We'll meet you guys at the County Jail, okay?"
"Can't you police people give these guys a restraining order or something?" Willow said, glaring at the two vampires. "Because we don't want them following us around."
"I'll give them a restraining order," Buffy growled as she trailed the group back out of the building.
"Not in front of the police, Buffy," Giles said. "Just meet us at a place called -- uh -- The Goose's Crypt."
Xander grinned. "Sounds funky."
"Wait outside when you get there, kids." Sunny said as she shoved the prisoners back into the car. "You're not really dressed for the place."
"Us? And what about our friends? Tweed and fuzzy pink don't scream The Goose's Crypt to me," Buffy said.
Sunny looked at Giles and Willow thoughtfully. "I dunno," she said. "With the handcuffs, they're kind of right for the Crypt somehow."
"Buffy," Giles pleaded as the patrolwoman shut the door on him, "please try not to dawdle."
"'Don't dawdle', he says," Buffy muttered as she got into the BMW yet again. "Here we've been running our asses off all night. . ."
"What are those vampires doing?" Xander exclaimed, leaning hard over the steering wheel.
Boyce had pulled the black Cadillac to the lot entrance and had hailed an incoming police car. He was now talking to the cop inside and pointing excitedly back in their direction.
Buffy craned up out of the window. "Hey!" she yelled. "Whatever he's saying, it's a lie!"
Xander grabbed her by the belt and hauled her back in. "They can't hear you, Buff. In any case, that isn't a good way to talk to the cops."
The police car's lights flashed, and the cops pulled in to cut them off from the exit.
"Let me do the talking," Xander said, nervously clutching at the steering wheel. He rolled down the window and smiled foolishly at the burly policeman who came lumbering up to the door. "Hi, officer! What's up?"
"Well," the cop drawled. "For one thing, your headlight's busted out."
"Oh, darn," Xander said with a frown. "Those pesky parking lot vandals."
". . . and your license plates have been covered up. . ."
"Gee, Buff," Xander said. "Forgot to check on that after the mud slide we drove through."
". . . and you've got an 'Uzi Lovers for Shooting Ugly Cops' sticker on your rear bumper."
"WHAT!?" Xander said, looking back. "Can't be! Cordelia thinks Uzi is an Italian handbag."
"Those guys put it there!" Buffy said, shaking a finger at the black Cadillac as it drove out of the parking lot and out onto the road.
The cop scowled at her. "Those nice kids that you punks have been harassing all night?"
"Whatever they said -- IT'S A LIE!" Xander yelled.